DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own the Animorphs because K.A. Applegate knew that I would take them and teach them about S-E-X. Nyahahahahaaarr!!
NOTE: Okay, please allow me to explain the WTFness of this story. We had sex ed in Health and it disturbed me beyond all rational reason ::shiver::. Thus, I was afraid to fall asleep lest the evil nightmares and STDs come attack me in my sleep so I thusly had…dum dum DUMMMM a cup of coffee. Thus this story was born. Thusly.
WARNING: Contains references to naughty bits, human and even some slight implication to some alien. Also mentions a few things about STDs, but nothing graphic. I have a stomach too, ya know.
"Oh come on." I looked at his worried expression and gave him a 'stop whimpering and be a man!' shove. "Everyone already knows this crap anyway, I don't know why you're getting your panties all up in a knot about it."
Jake sweated as we drew nearer to what apparently was going to be his doom: A big brown door plastered with self-help posters that boasted slogans like "Crack is Whack", "Smoking Kills", and "Don't Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy".
Okay, so I made that last one up. But it was funny, although when I told Jake about it five minutes ago in lunch he turned a distinct shade of green.
He shook his head.
"Come on, dude. You're the leader of the only resistance to a planet-wide alien invasion! How the hell could this possibly be bothering you?"
"I-I don't know."
We were standing in front of the Health class's door now. Nothing left to do but open it up and walk on in.
"You do know about sex…right?" I prodded, then smirked. "See Jake, when a man and woman love each other very much – "
"Or if there is a whole lot of alcohol involved – "
"Stop!" He was turning green again.
"You see, the boy takes his – "
I raised an eyebrow.
"I know all about it." Jake mumbled.
"I knew the internet was good for something." I winked at him obnoxiously. He blanched.
"No! I mean…I just never, like, talked about…it…"
"It being…?" I prodded.
"Do I, now?" I plastered a look of innocent ignorance on my face. He just glared at me. "Jake, you're gonna have to say it sometime."
"I can say it!"
"Then say it!" I dared.
Jake looked at his thumbs. Then he took care to read every single poster on the door. The lights. The floor tiles. His shoes.
"S-sex…" he mumbled finally, making sure to keep the eye contact broken.
"What was that?" I cupped my hand to my ear. "I didn't quite hear that, say again?"
"Sex." He squeaked.
"Jake, just freaking relax already!" I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "It's just SEX!"
Suddenly the classroom door swung open, the entire class staring at us, me with my hands on Jake's shoulders screaming the word "SEX". I dropped my hands abruptly and he jerked away unnaturally fast. As if it wasn't bad enough that the class of all guys probably thought I was demanding some "action" from Jake, our eyes finally rose to see the person who had opened the door on our little completely misunderstood exchange.
Jake and I stood rigid, trying very hard not to bore holes through his forehead with our eyes.
"Ah, Jake. Marco." He greeted us with false cheer. "Glad you could join us. I think it's safe to assume you already know what today's lesson is going to be about?"
We blushed and I made a mental note to eat red meat, play some sports, and pee in some not-quite-obscure place in which peeing is frowned upon, just to reinforce my masculinity. Then Jake cleared his throat. "Where's Mrs.Anderson?" He asked bluntly, showing no sign that he had any knowledge of the alien wrapped around Principal Chapman's brain. I silently applauded his boldness, even if he was a big pansy about sex.
"Well, if you two had been here on time instead of out there conducting your own…lesson…" He paused for dramatic effect while the class inside, snickered. We really were never going to hear the end of this. "…You would have heard me announce that Mrs. Anderson is ill and I, being a former Health teacher, am filling in for her today. Now please, take your seats."
"Yes sir." I saluted him. Yeerk. I added silently.
Jake looked about to spazz. Our sworn enemy, the first Controller we ever identified, was going to teach us about sex.
It was bad enough Chapman the middle-aged bald guy was going to lecture us on doin' the nasty, but even more disturbing was that the Yeerk also now had a working knowledge of human reproduction. My head began to swarm with vastly unwelcome thoughts and images.
For the love of God, Marco, SHUT UP.
I winced as Jake and I took seats as far in the back as we could. We both must have looked sick to our stomachs. Principal Chapman closed the door and took his place in front of the classroom. Again, I had to restrain myself from staring at his forehead.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Chapman raised and eyebrow and strolled back, pulling it open. A small group of girls filed in and Chapman's face dawned in realization.
"Oh yes, I forgot to mention. Since I don't have enough time to teach more than one class, I've decided to combine both the girls and boys into this one." Jake paled, especially as a bored-looking Rachel dragged an ill-looking Cassie into the room. "It shouldn't matter though, since what I'm going to teach you should be known by both genders anyway."
Jake was sweating now, and I couldn't help but snort. He had to learn about "the s-word" in front of his little lovey-poo. I mentioned this out loud to him, but he didn't quite appreciate it as much as I did. Neither did his foot, as it came stomping down onto my toes.
Cassie looked up at my outburst and saw me. Jake tried to desperately hide behind a slip of paper about the size of a post-it.
"Oh yeah, now you're invisible" I commented wryly. He scowled behind his little magical post-it but Rachel, miraculously, saw him anyway. She grinned and dragged a struggling Cassie over to us. She directed her to a seat in front of Jake, who squirmed, then realized her own mistake as there were no more empty seats except the one in front of me. I gave her a dazzling smile. She scowled.
"This is going to be the worst hour of my life."
"You know you want me, baby."
She used her acrobatic gymnastic superpowers to kick me underneath her seat. I yelped, hoping that after Jake's foot crushing and Rachel's shin-snapping, I would be able to walk out of the classroom in an hour. What is it with that family?
"Alright, now that everyone's seated, we should start. I only have an hour with you guys." He winked. For some reason that wink made my blood run cold. I knew it meant nothing. He was just winking at the entire class, not at Jake, Cassie, Rachel and I. I met Jake's eye and saw that he looked startled too.
Then it hit me. It just now occurred to us that a Yeerk had us more or less caged in one room. Rachel and Cassie glanced over their shoulders at us, letting us know that it had crossed their minds too. I honestly didn't know which was worse: a yeerk talking about our 'intimate parts' or the mass infestation after the aforementioned talk about 'intimate parts'.
"Means nothing." I just caught Rachel whisper. "He can't try anything, there are too many of us in here."
"Oh yeah, twenty kids scared pee-less at having a middle-aged balding dude lecture us on gettin' freaky vs. the twenty Hork-Bajir he could have barrel through the windows at the push of a button." I whispered sarcastically. They stiffened.
But, ten minutes into the lectures, I was already half-asleep. Rachel also looked as bored as I did, drawing endless spirals on her notebook with her purple pen. The one with the annoying feathers and googly eyes on it. I actually kind of hoped there was an attack, since I was about ready to pounce on Rachel's pen and throw it out the window just for fun. Anything would be more interesting than Chapman's warning about lambskin condoms.
"Now, I know the rumors that lambskin condoms 'feel' better, but…"
I looked over at Jake and Cassie. To my delight and amusement, they both had their eyes averted to the ground. They were shifting around nervously in their seats and taking care not to look at anyone in particular.
Our four heads all shot up suddenly.
-(Oh wow, guys, don't do that. It's a little suspicious.)- The voice, Tobias, warned. Jake's lips formed a thin line and he furrowed his eyebrows.
"Jake? Rachel, Cassie and Marco? Something the matter?" Chapman asked from the front of the room.
"Uh…we saw a mouse…" Rachel squeaked uncertainly. Several girls screamed.
"Now now, settle down. I know for a fact that there are no mice in this room, we just had it fumigated." Chapman's eyes narrowed at the four of us suspiciously. We sweated like Fat Albert on a treadmill.
-(Uh-oh.)- Tobias said.
"Um…" Cassie mumbled.
"You four are the so-called 'Andalite Bandits aren't you?! Responding to a comrade, am I right?! CODE RED! GET THE VISSER! WE NEED SOME HORK BAJIR!"….was what he didn't say, which more or less surprised the hell out of me.
"I know things may be uncomfortable, but I assure you that knowing how to use a condom is important." Chapman told us, not noticing our slight sighs of relief. "We'll get back to condoms before the end of class."
-(Condoms? The human complexes in which units of property are owned by individuals and common parts of the property are owned jointly by the unit owners?)-
The four of us looked around at each other, bewildered.
-(Um no, Ax, that's a condo.)-
Jake chanced a severe glare in the direction of the windows.
-(Don't worry Jake. We're not here to watch you squirm or anything.)- I risked a quick glance at the window and saw a faint shadow of two birds. -(We just dropped by after we heard flying around the Quad that Chapman was teaching the class. You know, just in case something fishy was going on.)-
Jake nodded discreetly.
-(A human reproduction class! I should be able to learn much from this.)- Ax exclaimed. That made me feel uncomfortable. Even Rachel turned a little green.
"Now class." Chapman said, switching on an overhead projector. He pulled out a transparent sheet and placed it on the projector. "This is a vagina."
I practically heard Jake faint in the seat next to me. Rachel smirked a little at the ridiculously vague scientific diagram, but Cassie looked about ready to implode.
"And this is a penis." He slid the picture next to the vagina.
Cassie bit her lip. Rachel and I noticed, biting back the barks of laughter that probably would have gotten us kicked out. I didn't want to get kicked out right now. This was way too amusing.
-(Oh wow. That's a lot of stuff in there.)- Tobias observed.
"Now guys, you should know that the average penis size is about 5-6 inches, so don't be disturbed by how big this diagram is." Chapman comically waved at the projection. The guys in the class snickered, no doubt trying to hide their teeny insecurities.
I, for one, was not insecure at all.
-(Six inches? Is that all?)- Ax wondered.
I heard Cassie break her pencil in half. Rachel started to cough violently. Jake and I were torn between being impressed and being suicidal.
-(Wow.)- Tobias said in a strained thought-speak voice. -(I…um, okay.)-
No one answered him, as Chapman went over the various labeled parts of his diagrams. Tobias must've explained our reactions to Ax in private thought-speak, because he made no further comments about the superiority of Andalite reproductive organs. Thank God.
"Now, there are many diseases one can catch if proper safety isn't taken." Chapman continued. He pulled away the transparencies and set up a Powerpoint slideshow. "One is Chlamydia, which looks like…this."
The picture flashed onto the screen. The class gasped the air out of the entire room.
"Oh my – holy – oh what the – " I shut my eyes to stop the bleeding.
-(WHAT IS THAT?!)- Ax demanded.
-(Oh, that is…oh eww…)-
Chapman went on to explain the horrific details of the…picture. "This is a silent sort of infection, and it causes an abnormal discharge – " he clicked the mouse and a fresh new picture of Chlamydia flashed onto the screen. " – of pus or mucus. It also causes pain during urination."
"I can't breathe." Rachel gasped. "Really, I think I'm dying."
Jake and Cassie seemed to both be twitching dangerously. This time I couldn't blame them. It was…holy crap…
-(Tobias, are your eyes closed?)- We heard Ax ask.
-(No they aren't!)-
"One example of a bacterial infection is Gonorrhea, which looks like this." The class gagged. I nearly swallowed my tongue as something even Satan couldn't have wished upon his worst enemy popped up on the screen.
-(Okay, yes, yes they are. Shut up.)-
"Shoot me, shoot me now." Rachel begged.
"If God has any mercy, he'll send the Hork-Bajir to kill us right now." I mumbled, trying desperately to block the image from my mind. Chapman seemed to find pleasure in this torture, smiling as he talked about the 'discharge'.
Think of nice thoughts. Ice cream. Video games. TV. Jessica Simpson… I smiled. That was it, Jessica Simpson. In a bikini. Smiling.
"And these are genital warts."
Jessica Simpson with genital warts.
-(You guys, um, we'll be right back.)- Tobias called. -(Um…Ax sort of…fell out of the tree…)-
Jake seemed too embroiled in gagging on his own saliva to even care.
-(We'll be nearby. See ya.)-
-(Tobias! There was…who could…why…discharge…!?)-
-(Come on, Ax-man, time to go. Stick your hoof in a stream for a bit, then we come back, okay?)-
-(I'm fine.)- Ax said sharply. I assumed Tobias finally dragged Ax back into the tree.
-(Yes! I am an aristh!)-
-(Okay, sure Ax.)-
For the next few agonizing minutes Chapman showed us picture after picture of STDs. By the time he was done, I was sure my brain had leaked out my ears and there was a puddle of Marco brilliance on the floor somewhere. Rachel's eyes were shut, probably swearing to herself to remain a virgin for the rest of her days. Jake and Cassie were, well, comatose.
"Okay class, we're almost done. Last but not least, we're going back to how to use a condom."
That was the last straw. No more. No sir. I ripped a sheet out of my notebook and tried to distract myself by drawing the pattern of the cracks in the wall. Before me I heard Chapman pull out a rubber model to assist him on the lesson.
We distinctly heard Ax scoff at the puny little rubber model.
Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Draw. Just draw. Draw anything.
I drew the first thing that popped into my mind. A Yeerk. Fortunately my drawing skills are a little less than average and my yeerk looked much more like a pickle. A yeerk was teaching me how to roll on a condom. A freaking yeerk. A yeerk could fit in a condom for Pete's sake!
OH! THE IMAGES!
I banged my forehead against the desk loudly. Bang!
"Marco, is something the matter?" Chapman stared at me, along with the rest of the class. The images! The mental images! They wouldn't go away! I banged my head on the desk again.
"Ummm…umm, I think he's just tired." Jake shook my shoulder. "Uh…wake up, Marco…"
I raised my head weakly. "It's all good…" I croaked. Chapman sighed and returned to his lesson, "leaving a little space at the tip". I gagged. Rachel and Cassie both turned around to look at me curiously.
Well, if I have to live with this mental image haunting me for the rest of my life, so would they.
I showed them the picture of my yeerk.
"What is that, a pickle?" Rachel whispered.
I shook my head and wrote in big block letters "CHAPMAN".
They stared at me. They weren't getting it. I drew a condom around the yeerk-pickle to give them a better picture. Then I tapped on the word "CHAPMAN".
Cassie looked hard at the picture. "A pickle in a bag?"
"No." I whispered. "It's a yeerk." Then I drew an arrow towards the condom I drew around it and wrote "CONDOM".
Cassie jolted back, with a horrified and disgusted look on her face. Rachel started to choke and gag loudly, while at the same time looking murderous. Jake did what I did, banged his head against his desk.
-(What's that, Marc - )-Tobias stopped. -(Cute Marco, real cute. I had to go to little birdie's room just now but I think I'll hold it in til you come out here.
-(I don't understand...)- Ax stopped. -(...oh.)-
Well then. I wasn't the only one with that particular nightmare anymore. My work here was done.
"Excuse me, Rachel, Cassie, Jake, and Marco." Chapman called us sternly. "For the very last time, what is going on back there?"
"N-nothing." Rachel gasped between coughs.
"What's that you're holding there, Marco?"
I stared at my picture, horrified. I tried to shove it into my back pocket, but apparently that wasn't the smart thing to do.
"Why don't you come up here and put your little class assignment on the projector for me."
"Um, nah." I offered lamely.
"Um, yeah." Chapman mimicked me and pointed sternly at the overhead projector. I looked at the others desperately, but they were staring stonily at their desks.
I reluctantly trudged up to the front of the class, all eyes on me, and retrieved the crumpled piece of paper from my back pocket. I didn't bother to smooth it out as I tossed it onto the projector.
Chapman walked over briskly and flattened it out for me. For what seemed like a full hour, the entire room stared at my work of art. I braced myself, hoping desperately that Chapman wouldn't recognize my drawing of a yeerk.
-(You guys, Ax is demorphing behind the building.)- Tobias informed us. I saw Jake nod. They were already getting ready.
Principal Chapman stared me dead in the eye. "Marco, I'm in no way insulting you or your preferences, so please do not misunderstand. But I must ask that you keep these fantasies about me, Jake – " Rachel and Cassie sat straight up, a look of shock and confusion on their faces. I groaned. " – or anyone else in your own head. I cannot have you yelling and giggling and distracting everyone in my class."
I didn't quite know how to respond to that, or the stunned silence, then giggles emanating from the class, so I laughed. I laughed in relief that he didn't think it was a yeerk. I laughed at the hilarity of him thinking that yeerk-pickle was actually his own – I stopped laughing.
I was this close to morphing a gorilla, just so everyone would forget the last few seconds. Rachel and Cassie swiveled around to stare at Jake.
-(Um, what did Chapman mean by that fantasies thing?)- Tobias wondered tentatively.
"No – NO, you don't understand. That, that 'Chapman' doesn't mean you Chapman! I mean, uh, well that's not a – that's not. Okay, let me explain."
"Marco please take a seat."
Defeated, I swiped the offending picture off the overhead projector and shot it into the trash can. As I made my way back to my seat, I noticed Jake inch slightly in the other direction. Rachel was obviously dying of laughter and glee on the inside, and Cassie was looking at me sympathetically. I hoped it was because I was embarrassed in front of the entire class, and not because she thought I really had fantasies about…like that.
-(Dude. If you have to drop out of school and disappear from society, you can share my tree.)- Tobias offered.
Chapman continued with the lesson, with no more distractions. As he rolled the condom down his rubber model for the last time, he looked out onto the class.
"So, I guess that's it. Are there any questions?"
We all hoped and prayed there were none.
-(Actually, I have a question.)- Ax told us. -(Will one of you be so kind as to - )-
Jake scrawled "HELL NO!" in big block letters and held it at a slight angle so that Ax could see it.
Cassie turned around and looked disapprovingly at Jake, who put the paper down sheepishly.
"She's got you whipped." I whispered.
Cassie raised her hand.
-(Ah, thank you Cassie.)-
-(If humans have only two legs and no tail to balance with, how do they position themselves to- )-
"…if we have only two– " Cassie stopped and her hand dropped from the air and hit the desk with a thud. Rachel, Jake, and I all struggled to breathe. The mental image for that one was the worst yet, and I swore to myself never to speak to Ax ever again.
"Yes, Cassie?" Chapman prompted.
"Um…nothing." Cassie squeaked.
"Well, if that's all." Chapman looked at his watch. "This class is dismissed. And if any of you decide you do have more questions, The Sharing is meeting after school today if you want to talk. The more, the merrier." He smiled brightly as the class filed out of the classroom, trying not to push.
The four of us didn't have enough working brain cells to even register Chapman's comment about The Sharing. We walked out last, the only real hope of humanity trudging out of a classroom like zombies, all sorts of unwanted images floating around thier heads in high-definition surround sound.
"Um, so yeah..." Rachel croaked out. "I'll be keeping my clothes on like, forever."
I didn't even have the energy to make a smart remark about how Tobias would feel about that. Instead, I said something that was number one on my list of "Things I Know I Would Never Ever Ever Say", higher even than "Brad Pitt, will you marry me?".
"Never. Ever. Having. Sex."
2nd NOTE: ::blush:: Okay, I know I put this under "humor", but doesn't have a "WTF, mate!?" genre. They really should, though. Umm...yeakthxbai.