A Story by Tradiferis
• Pulp Fiction: Resolutions •
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter in any way whatsoever. If I did, I wouldn't have the massive student debt that I am incurring.
Summary: Response to the HarryandTonks yahoo-group January challenge. What do a pair of New Years Resolutions, an under-aged wizard, a pretty girl, and a werewolf have in common?
Author Notes: pulp /'pəlp/ n. 1. A soft moist shapeless mass of matter. 2. A publication, such as a magazine or book, containing lurid subject matter. (Source: American Heritage Dictionary, Fourth Edition)
"It's a really fun game, honest!"
Honest. Yeah, she probably said that before having to wake up with a headache the size of a hippogriff. Speaking of, why am I the only one that's suffering from this?
"Tonks, honey, wake up," I whisper to the mass on top of me, as if I speak any louder my ear drums are going to rupture. Getting zero response from the lovely witch that's laying on top of me, I decide my own welfare be damned, "NYMPHADORA WAKE UP."
She instantly springs out of bed, and in the process I find out she's currently topless. If it wasn't for the fact that I fear I'm about to die I would be enjoying this. But I digress; she springs out of bed, twirls around, sees me lying down with a crooked smile on my face, and just about explodes.
"HARRY WHY DID YOU-OW!" my little Nymph yells before she too discovers the effects of alcohol the morning after. Rubbing her temples while (trying to at least) support herself by leaning against my dresser, she continues on in a quieter voice, "Harry, why did you do that?"
Squinting as I roll out of bed as I think the world is about to turn on it's end, I retort, "Didn't think it was fair that I should be the only one suffering from the effects of your little game last night."
She groans, quietly, into her hands, before looking back up at me, "What are you doing awake anyways? It's...way to fucking early."
"The Weasleys sound like a horde of elephants whenever they're trying to go anywhere," I respond, trying to walk around the bed to my dresser, but doing a much better job of knocking into things instead, "I can't help it if you can sleep through a goblin rebellion. I'm not suffering through this alone."
"I can't help it you wake up at the slightest movement of a Lethifold," she grates back to me, patting her backside, as if looking for something. She could be for all I care, but I'm just appreciating the view of my girlfriend hitting grabbing her own-
"Harry do you know where my wand is?" she asks, as I reach her (finally).
"Why do you ask?" I respond looking at her backside to er...check to make sure her wand isn't there?
She sits down on the bed, looking at me with squinty eyes, "Because, you twit, if I had it, I could cast a spell that would relieve us of our hangovers."
"Would my wand work?" I ask, laying down across the bed and grabbing it from the bedside table. Why is everything in this room always on the other side?
"Of course it would, I'm an Auror I know how to make these-HARRY THAT'S MY WAND," Tonks says, grabbing it out of my hands - quite possessively I might add.
"Then where is my wand?" I ask, as Tonks casts a sobering charm on herself, then on me. Whoa, I must have been really hung over. It feels like that time I woke up in the hospital wing my first year after my encounter with Voldemort, the Mirror of Erised, and that freaky Defense Against the Dark-
"It's right here Harry," comes the voice of Hermione from the doorway, who's walking in reading the Daily Prophet, "I took it from you last night so you wouldn't do anything stu- EXACTLY WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE?!"
"Getting dressed?" Tonks responds with an air of fake innocence, as it finally totally sinks into me that my girlfriend is topless is my room. I look back at Hermione, feeling a little bit exasperated. Did she really have to yell that loud?
"Want to try again Hermione; I'm pretty sure that Dobby didn't hear you-"
"Is Master Harry Potter wanting anything?"
"Dobby how did you get here?" I voice before anyone else can
"Dobby heard Master Harry Potter calling so Dobby thought he needed him-"
"I don't need you Dobby, why don't you go make breakfast, I could use that in a short while," I reply. Of course, now I remember. Dumbledore had bonded the hyper-active house elf to me as a Christmas present for Dobby. I look back at Hermione who, quite frankly, looks like she is about to have kittens. Just when I think that I'm about to get another lecture about S.P.E.W. my dear girlfriend trips over the foot of the bed and ends up falling on top of me, and we land in a...well, a compromising position to say the least.
"Why Mr. Potter, I didn't know that you cared," Tonks says with a slight smile (that has an edge of being slightly dirty on it), as I merely raise my eyebrows. Hermione merely gets a look on her face like she's a charging rhino.
"What's wrong with you Hermione?" I ask, mirroring Tonks' not-quite-that-innocent air of innocence from earlier.
"I want to know what's wrong with you Harry Potter!" she practically shouts. Again with the shouting. Did someone change her switch from "Nag" to "Shout"?
"What do you mean what's wrong with me?" I ask, as Tonks laughs slightly into my chest. We both know what the Queen Swot of Hogwarts is getting at, but where's the fun in actually letting her think that she's getting somewhere with her moral self-righteousness?
"With you! And Tonks! And her being...being," she starts to stumbled, and I can feel Tonks' breasts shaking on top of me from trying not to laugh. Luckily Hermione is saved from compromising her virtue by probably the one person that I DID NOT want to show up right now.
"Half naked?" comes the voice of Remus Lupin. Damn you Murphy.
"Oh hey Remus," Tonks said, jumping off of me as if my body was covered in acid. Like her not touching me was going to do any good when she's not wearing a shirt, bra, anything. How did she end up like that anyway?
"Harry, Tonks?" Remus asked, interrupting my thoughts, "Care to explain what's going on?"
"I, well," I being, as coherent as a fifth year with a hosepipe, "Tonks why don't you-"
"Hey I just remembered that I left the tea-pot on at my flat," my ever brave girlfriend says, under Remus' and Hermione's stern gaze, "Need to go check on that. Bye everyone, love you Harry."
And with a CRACK! I'm left staring at a werewolf who is calmly waiting for an explanation. You would think that Dumbledore would have installed certain wards in my room so people can't Apparate in or out....but no. I'm going to kill Tonks later.
"Harry," Remus begins in a calm voice, "Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Yes," I say, in a voice that wouldn't even sound convincing even if I had taken Veritaserum.
"Do you remember what you told me last night?"
"Do you know why Tonks ended up in your room this morning without clothes on half of her body?"
What is this, grill Potter day? Even if I did know, do you think that I would tell you Moony, especially in front a girl that's so much of a prude every single skirt she owns goes a precise three inches beneath her knee?
"Well, kind of," I reply, once again, in a voice that betrays me.
"Care to tell us your recollection of last night?" Uncle Moony asks me. Care to go through a midnight stroll under the full moon Remus?
"It's a really fun game, honest!" Tonks says to Harry, who is currently searching his pockets.
"Fine, fine, I'll play," he answers back, mumbling under his breath, "Where in Merlin's name did I put my wand?"
"Okay, this game is very simple," Tonks says, pulling out a set of muggle playing cards, "I learned it from one of my muggle friends. Whenever an Ace or a Joker is dealt to you, you take a shot."
"What do I win?" Harry asks, not liking the look that Fred and George were sending him from across the table.
"Another shot!" Tonks responds, grinning evilly.
"I think I'll like this game," Harry says with a matching grin.
"Oh, one more thing," Tonks says, almost with a squeal, "Whenever you get dealt any member of 'royalty,' you need to answer a question asked by the last person who had to take a shot."
After considering for a second, Harry decided that was worth it, "Deal the cards sweetheart."
Tonks shot him a sarcastic smile, before starting to deal the cards. After a few seconds, a Joker landed in front of George, who gladly took a shot. A few fleeting moments later, a King landed in front of Harry.
"Damn," Harry said in a stage-whisper, causing chuckles from a few of the other people at the table.
"Okay, Harry, the wonderful silent partner of my brother's and mine shop," George said, then gave a wicked smile, "Harry, when did you and Tonks hook up?"
"End of the summer, keep on dealing honey," Harry replied, earning a short laugh from Tonks.
"Wait a second!" Hermione yelled, making me stop, "You have been going out with Tonks since the end of summer?"
"Yes," I reply, as calmly as possible. For a witch as smart as you Hermione, couldn't you have figured that out by now?
"So that's why you ignored Ginny's attempts to...to," Hermione stuttered again. This girl really needs to lighten up.
"Seduce me, correct," I respond, "Can I go on?"
"Please do," comes the voice of Remus, who is leaning against my door.
"So Harry, tell me," comes the voice of a (highly inebriated) Fred, "Have you and Tonks ever...you know...done the dirty dance where the fairies prance?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Harry responds, trying to support his head with his hand.
"Have you two ever fucked mate," Fred responds, with a hefty grin on his face.
"HARRY JAMES POTTER," Hermione shouts at the top of her lungs to me. I need to teach that girl some manners of not yelling at someone in their own house, or their bedroom no less.
"WHAT?!" I shout back, starting to get annoyed with her interruptions.
"I can't believe that you did something like that!" she responds, giving me a very disappointed look.
"I never said that I did yet, now I have I?" I respond, grating my teeth. Of all the people on this earth that really need to get laid, YOU are one of them Miss 'I have the next five years planned out to the second.'
"Have you ever flown a broom?" Harry responds with a cocky smile, "Of course!"
A moment later, Tonks deals herself an Ace, but finds that there is no more firewhiskey.
"Aw crap, we're out," she announces. Harry looks like he's thinking for a second before he responds.
"I think I know where some is," he says, starting to get up from his chair, "The house elves showed me last week, as it's my house so "Master must know where everything is.""
"Hurry back Harry," Tonks replies with a saucy grin. Harry just winks back at her before making his trek down the kitchen area.
"Now if I was a bottle of alcohol where would I be hiding," Harry mumbled under his breath, while searching through a few of the cupboards. He thought he had saw a bottle, and was about to make a grab for it when a voice came from behind him.
"Harry! There you are!" came the voice of Remus Lupin.
"Oh, hullo, Moony," Harry said, almost banging his head on counter, "Fine evening isn't it?"
"Yes, my dear boy, I would say it is," Remus responded, holding his tea with his pinkie extended as he took a sip of it, "As it is almost New Years, I figure that we should make our resolutions together."
"I fine idea, if I say so myself," Harry responded, crossing his arms over his chest, "Would you like to go first my fine man?"
"No my boy, youth over age," Remus responds, placing his tea cup on a plate that had appeared in front of him.
"Of course, of course," Harry replied, looking into the air to think for a minute, "My resolution is that I learn how to wear my cravat and dickie."
"Oh, as fine a resolution as any," Remus responds with a short laugh, before also pondering to himself, "My resolution...my resolution is ask that lovely Minerva McGonagall out for a smashing evening by the-"
I'm interrupted from telling my story by Remus, who had just sent off a firework from his wand, startling the living hell out of me.
"Oh, I'm sorry, were you still talking?" Remus asks me with a look that I can't place on his face. I nod my head "No" and he continues on, "Oh you were done? Well allow me to retort...
Remus sat on the couch of Number 12 Grimmauld Place surveying the partying. The last few months had been going okay, especially with Harry's improved attitude. The attitude of the Order of the Phoenix in general seemed to be dictated by Harry's mood. For some reason that he had yet to pinpoint, the young man had made a sudden recovery from Sirius' death, but he wasn't complaining. Whatever had made him get over it certainly was working.
Speaking of Harry, he had just gotten up from the table where he, Tonks, and the Weasley twins had been playing a card game - and certainly enjoying it by the laughs that had been emitting from the table. Following Harry down to the kitchen, he discovered the young man seeming staring off into space looking at one of the cupboards with his head tilted slightly to the side.
"Harry?" Remus asked, getting his attention.
"MOONY!" Harry practically shouted, his face lighting up, before dropping for a second, "What are you doing here?"
"It's almost the New Year," Remus said, walking over to Harry and putting his arm around the young man, "And I thought that now would be a good time to make our resolutions."
"What's a resolution?" Harry asked, before picking up a piece of bread on the table, "The snooze berries taste like snooze berries!"
"Yes...well," Remus said, thinking something was up with Harry, "A resolution is where you promise not to do something for the next year, to try to make yourself better. You have an idea on what your resolution should be?"
"YES!" Harry shouted, before looking very serious for a second, "My resolution is to stay away from Tonks!"
"Okay, that's a little odd but I guess it works," Remus responded, looking at Harry who had started looking through the cupboards.
"Found it!" Harry said from inside the cupboard, before coming out and giving Remus a lopsided grin, "Happy New Year Uncle Moony!"
Remus just stared at Harry as he walked out, almost crashing into several different things.
"So, Harry," Remus told me, as I adopted the classic "Unicorn Caught in Wand-Light" eyes, "Care to tell me why you and Tonks ended up in the same bed after your resolution last night?"
Hermione looked at me with a superior grin on her face. God, I need some way to wipe that shit-eating grin off of her face. Oh look, she accidentally dropped my wand on the ground...GOT IT!
"Well Remus you know how you said a 'resolution is where you promise not to do something'?" Okay...Tonks' apartment has a plaid couch and a leg-lamp, "Well my resolution was to stay away from Tonks so in essence I said I would not stay away from Tonks, which hey! Imagine that! I completed my resolution! Nice day isn't it Moony? I certainly think so; in fact I'm going to go enjoy the singing birds, the flowers, and the sun in the air-"
I reach out and my wand flies to my hand.
I need to remember to give Moody an extra-large birthday present for teaching me how to Apparate during the summer after I was legally declared of age early.
I hear a shriek and turn around to see Tonks standing there pointing her wand at me while wearing nothing but a towel.
"Hey," I respond, twirling my wand between my fingers, "Did I ever mention that I love New Year's Resolutions?"