JOHNNY DEPP SURVIVOR

ACT ONE: SCENE ONE

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything:

21 Jumpstreet, Nightmare on Elm Street, Edward Scissorhands, From Hell, Benny and Joon, Pirates of the Caribbean or Secret Window.

Sometimes I wish I could, and where dvds are involved, I do own all of them. However, the characters themselves are not mine. Now, on to the main event!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Setting: Small caribbean island in the middle of nowhere. One by one they make their way up onto the beach. First SAM, helping EDWARD to shore as EDWARD'S "hands" make it a bit difficult for swimming. Next, HANSON and ABBERLINE crawl onto the sand, after spitting up the water they were choking on, they turn to see where the others have disappeared to. They watch GLEN climb up the beach, and help him up, then they watch JACK and MORT slowly fight their way up. MORT lunges forward and drags JACK to the ground, taking him by the neck. The two of them wrestle on the sand as the waves roll over them. This would be romantic--if MORT were not intent on murdering JACK. HANSON and ABBERLINE, our law enforcement of the island, run to the mad author and the pirate captain and tear them off of each other. HANSON grabs MORT, ABBERLINE grabs JACK. They maintain their holds on them until they have calmed down enough to be civil.)

MORT: You! This is your fault Sparrow! (then with southern accent) You stole my story.

JACK: Actually--borrowed without permission.

MORT(voice normal again): Don't start with me Sparrow.

GLEN(kicks sand): This sucks!

((EDWARD has finally stopped choking on the water he's swallowed and is thoughtfully clicking his "fingers" together and looking around. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE and SAM empty their hats and replace them on their heads they are mirror images of each other. SAM smiles and, sensing the tension, removes his hat again and begins twirling it between his hands. He then proceeds into an entire hat trick routine. He then replaces the hat and looks around. The others are not impressed, except for EDWARD who smiles joyfully and tries to clap excitedly.)

MORT: Sam! Stop! It's not funny, okay? Never was.

EDWARD: Yes it is Mort! Do it again Sam! (so, SAM does.)

HANSON: What day is it?

GLEN: Friday.

HANSON: Great, now I'm gonna miss my bowling night.

MORT: We're stranded on a !$#ing island, and you're worried about missing your bowling night?!

HANSON: Yes.

MORT: Let me tell you something Hanson, I don't respond well to stupidity okay? Makes me feel icky. So do me a favor, and don't talk to me again.

HANSON: Okey Dokey.

(HANSON rolls his eyes and walks away. GLEN follows.)

GLEN: So, bowling huh?

HANSON: Yes! Bowling! I'm in a league.

GLEN: Is it true then?

HANSON: What?

GLEN: That girls like bowlers.

HANSON: Yeah, well, you know...

GLEN: Think you could teach me?

HANSON: Really?

GLEN: Sure, why not? Like there's anything better to do on a deserted island.

HANSON: Well, first we'll need a ball and some pins.

GLEN: Okey dokey.

HANSON: Secondly, don't use my lines. It confuses the readers.

(GLEN looks up at YOU THE READER and waves sheepishly)

GLEN: Sorry.

(GLEN and HANSON begin their search for a ball and pins. Meanwhile, on the other end of the beach, SAM and EDWARD are looking for materials to build a shelter.)

SAM: So, it must be pretty difficult to shake hands with those huh Ed?

EDWARD: Yes, it is.

SAM: Well, I have an idea of how we can put them to use. See if you can cut down that palm tree over there would you Ed?

(EDWARD begins sawing into the tree with all his might. It begins teetering and SAM grabs EDWARD by the shirt and pulls him backward, letting out a warning call worthy of Paul Bunyan (A/N: sorry, Minnesotan joke there...))

SAM: TIMBER!!!!!

(JACK, who has been sunbathing the whole time, immediately bolts upright when he hears the commotion. He sees the tree hit the sand and, panicking, runs over to SAM and EDWARD.)

JACK: No! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You've destroyed the shade!

SAM: Relax, we're just getting some wood so we can build a camp area.

EDWARD: yeah, we're building a fort. Then we'll have a place to eat and sleep, and tell stories and spend time together and play and (continues in the background)

JACK(to SAM): What have you been telling him?

SAM: Nothing I swear.

EDWARD: Ooo! Ooo! Sam! When we're done building our fort can we play a game?

SAM: Sure Ed, what game?

EDWARD: umm...Pirates!

(JACK raises an eyebrow at EDWARD'S game selection, then shakes his head and returns to his spot on the beach. MORT sees SAM and EDWARD and joins them. He watches them cut down three more palm trees before saying anything.)

MORT: So, what are you doing?

SAM: Building our humble abode.

EDWARD(voice shaky, about to burst out in tears): b-b-but, I thought it was a fort!

SAM: No, no no no, Ed, it is! It is a fort! That's just another name for a fort. You've gotta stop taking things so literally Ed.

EDWARD(comforted, yet still worried): Oh. Okay. A bumble commode?

SAM: Sure. Something like that...Look, why don't we take a break for awhile?

(GLEN and HANSON have given up on their search for awhile as well, and join MORT, SAM and EDWARD.)

EDWARD: Yeah! We can play pirates! I love pirates!

(GLEN eyes EDWARD'S hands. The sharp blades protruding from each one immediately remind him of Freddy Krueger. GLEN'S eyes go wide with fear as EDWARD drapes an arm around his shoulder.)

EDWARD(cont.) I'll be Captain Hook and you can be Long John Silver. Who do you want to be Sam?

SAM(you barely hear this as they walk away, EDWARD'S arm still wrapped around GLEN.) Anyone but that Jack Sparrow...How about umm...Captain Barbossa?

(JACK is suddenly struck by a brilliant lightning bolt of thought and he begins walking towards a grove of palm trees taking huge steps and nearly losing his balance a few times. He stops at one of the trees and knocks, listening intensely. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE watches him do this. JACK runs across to another palm tree and jumps up and down on a spot that he seems familiar with. He runs back to the first palm and knocks again. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE approaches JACK cautiously. MORT starts having an animated conversation with himself in the background, his hands flailing, he has obviously lost his temper with whoever this invisible person is. INSPECTOR ABBERLINE takes a few more steps towards JACK, who is now on his knees, digging in the sand for something.)