"Lexington: King Of The Gross-Outs"
Originally Written: January 18th, 2001
Author's Note 1: It's March, and the newest issue of Avalon Mists has been posted (on
the gargoyles site, www.gargoyles-fans.org). And now for the plug. Ahem. The
Barracuda is a featured artist. Yay!! I have more than 14 pictures of my characters up in
the Spring issue. And yes, you will see characters you haven't seen before. "Ember"
belongs to Iliana, and will be seen as soon as she gets off her butt and starts writing again
(I'm going to pay for that one). "Kessik" will show his face in the sixth season, being a
long lost member of the Canadian clan. Please be kind and go and check them out.
(Hmmm, another shameless plug...funny, I don't feel as dirty as last time...I'm going to
Disneyland!! "Here's your big bag of money, Mr. Levang." "Well, thank you, Mr.
Author's Note 2: This is just a little filler before season five, for all the impatient ones
out there. I have no idea if Lex can actually do this, and he may be a little out of
character than he's been portrayed in the regular series, but...let's just say he hides his
pain well. Anyway, it's just something that popped into my brain. Probably due to an
unhealthy mix of Cherry Pepsi, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and 'Rollin' by Limp
...This one's for Chyna Rose, the biggest Lexington fan I know...
March 20th, 2001 (My Birthday...heh)
"There's no way you are the best prankster and gross-out artist here." cried Todd
Hawkins, pointing his finger accusingly to the small gargoyle sitting across from him.
"That title has been given to me, like Steve Austin and his championship belt, baby."
"You're way out of your league...human," replied Lexington, thinning his large eyes and
clenching his hand about his cola, "you couldn't even reach my status. You're barely
even on...Brooklyn's level."
"That's low, man!!"
Beyond the incessant hurling of the male bravado, a young gargess attempted to bury
herself in the pages of her magazine. Annika ignored her boyfriend and clan brother,
barely a glint of her platinum blond tress appearing from behind the publication, and her
slender rose fingers grasped on either end.
"Oh yeah?!" Todd shouted, his voice raising higher in octaves.
"Yeah!!" Lexington hissed back.
Lexington resettled himself back in the kitchen chair, and snapped his left hand up. "I
once poured an entire container of chili powder in Broadway's stew." he said, listing off
that particular instance on one of his fingers.
"Oh please, Broadway wouldn't even notice if you slipped a car tire in his food." Todd
chortled, sneering at his friend's first attempt. "I once poured water on Goliath's perch
when the temperature dropped below freezing. He almost crushed Elisa when he woke
up, and slipped. Eeek! Ka-boom!"
"A novel try at greatness." Lexington chuffed. "I once glued one of Trinity's dirty
diapers to Brooklyn's forehead." The smaller gargoyle laughed, forming a striking
mental picture of that particular escapade, and his older brother's frantic attempts to
release himself from the soiled garment cemented between his horns.
"Well, that deserves some praise, but, I once left a huge chunk of raw fish in Shadow's
chambers. And attracted some of Manhattan's...other flying residents." Todd tried to
suppress his laughter, having waited patiently that night until Shadow awakened and
attempted to gain access to his private room. For when he opened the door, a flock of
pigeons, having entered from the small open window, made their bid for freedom, and
nearly carried Shadow off in their mad rush into the night sky.
"I once rewired Hudson's television to receive only porno channels, on a night when
Maria was visiting him in his room." Lexington's expression hardened slightly,
wondering if that night he had perhaps gone too far, especially when watching Hudson's
once beige hide grow a bright scarlet upon Maria Chavez's discovery of his unintended
channel selection. "Naaaaah, that was pretty cool."
"Eh, novice. Picking on old people is too easy." Todd added, cocking an eyebrow and
thinking of raising the stakes. "Well, I once made a life-size cardboard cut out of Trinity,
and hung it on a rope, flying it back and forth by Elisa's bedroom window. Man, you
should have seen her. She ripped through her balcony doors and practically lept from the
railing to catch her 'daughter'. You should have seen her face when she crushed the
cardboard in her arms, and realised it wasn't Trinity. If she had her gun..."
Annika perked up slightly at this sudden dip in heartlessness, and now divided her
attention between numerous articles on the newest fashion, and the war of trickery and
juvenile antics being waged on either side.
"I once sprayed Angela's tunic with duck scented pheromones used by hunters, during
their mating season." Lexington revealed, with an evil grin stretching across his features.
"After being chased around the entire island by a bunch of feathered suitors, she finally
had to fly directly into the lake in Central Park, and hold her breath until the pheromones
washed off and the ducks...lost interest in a potential mate."
Todd smiled evilly, and let loose another tale of what depths he could sink to. "I once
dressed as the killer from Scream, just after Desdemona had watched it. And when she
was getting something to eat in the kitchen, I chased after her with a carving knife."
Todd ducked his head into his arms, laughing hysterically, remembering the look on his
gargoyle friend's face when he jumped from the shadows and began ranting and yelling
obscenities. After being witness to one of the most frightening horror films in the
castle's video library, and still feeling a little anxious from the graphic film, she had
screamed in total fear and scrambled for her life from the darkened eating area. "Man,
she ran halfway across the castle, and almost threw herself through a window before she
realized it was me. Fuck...was she pissed."
From behind her magazine, a slight chortle could be heard, then abruptly silenced. It was
if Annika had almost succumbed to her boyfriend's stories before she swiftly recomposed
herself, a constant reminder running through her mind that these antics were childish and
"I once created a holographic representation of Sobek, and beamed him into the media
room when Graeme and Arianna were watching T.V., complete with several loud
explosions and a lightshow solely for their benefit. You should have seen their faces
when he appeared at eight feet tall and I sent the 'maniacal' laughing and explosion
sounds through the speakers at full volume. They came tearing through the door, and
never stopped running until they were beneath the covers in Elisa's bed." Lexington
closed his eyes, reliving that moment, for when he finally caught up to the terrified twins
and peeked through the doors, he found two quivering lumps underneath Elisa's sheets,
and a bewildered detective groggily looking around her.
"Oh yeah..." Todd was becoming serious now, his eyes glazing over as if the first frost of
Autumn. "I once slipped a sedative, stolen from Dr. Pierce's office, into Elisa and the
Xanatoses drinks. We all had a light meal together just before sunset, and when they
finally passed out, I stripped them to their underwear and dragged each of them into bed
together. Or more importantly, Elisa and Xanatos into Elisa's bed, and Fox left in a chair
beside them. When Goliath woke up and decided to check on his darling wife...heh heh
heh..." Todd trailed off in laughter, remembering when he heard the gargoyle cry of
anger, and a half naked Xanatos sprinting for his life down the corridors, with a massive,
purple, ball of pure, unadulterated rage chasing behind him. "Elisa was freaking out, and
it wasn't until I told her that it was me when...well, I almost got a foot shoved up my ass
and a bullet down my throat...and of course, Goliath was stopped just before he pulled
Xanatos' rectum through his nostrils..."
"Hmhmhmhahahammpphhhf..." From behind the magazine, came a muffled chuckle.
Todd pulled the periodical down and found Annika almost in tears, hands clamped over
her mouth to prevent her from lowering herself to the mens' level. But the entire
assemblage of tales woven had taken their toll, and she burst out, releasing a pent up
laughter and howling to the stars. "I thought you weren't interested in such childish
"Ha ha ha ha hee hee hee...ahem...I'm not...I'm not!" Annika swallowed the urge to
laugh, and straightened out her features. "It's rude, mean and...infantile."
"So," Lexington asked her, "who wins?"
"The contest..." Todd replied.
"I am not judging this." She tilted backwards in her chair and crossed her arms.
"Then I guess I win." Todd exclaimed.
"Bullshit! I'm the winner!!" Lexington yelled back.
"Sorry, pal, there nothing you can do that will ever top any of my pranks, scares, or
Lexington's brow instantly went down, and his large eyes narrowed into thin slits. "You
care to make a wager?" he asked, his voice low and threatening.
Todd immediately reached for his wallet and pulled out a fifty dollar bill from the black,
leather pouch. He slammed the monetary note to the table and glared back to the smaller
gargoyle. "There's the money, ya little bitch," he growled, "now prove it."
The room grew quiet, and Lexington leaned in. "Watch and learn, rookie. You'll soon
see why I am the master."
Todd leaned in as well, and furrowed his brow. Annika too came closer, her sapphire
eyes gleaming with intense curiosity.
Lexington stayed silent and still, until a slight sound was heard, as if something
mechanical was detached suddenly. He slowly opened his palm underneath his chin, and
simply smiled. Unexpectedly, his bionic eyes bulged and popped from their sockets,
falling into his awaiting hand with a sickening plop.
"OH MY GOD!!!!" Annika screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!!"
She threw herself from the chair and in her haste to run away, stumbled to the floor. She
clambered recklessly to her feet and continuing running down the hallway, her frantic
yells and cries fading from earshot. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHGH!!!"
Todd sat there stunned, his eyes waiting to burst themselves. "Sweet zombie Jesus..." he
mumbled incoherently. "That. Was. AWESOME!!!"
Lexington simply placed both eyes back in to their correct receptacles and blinked a few
times, restoring his vision through his cybernetic systems. He reached out and slid the
money towards him, and folded it away into his loincloth. With a quick snap of his wrist,
he caught his drink and finished it off. "Who's the king?" he announced calmly.
"Dude," Todd answered, flabbergasted beyond a rational response, "I am impressed.
You are the king of the gross-outs."
"Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that to Delilah..."
Later that night...
"Lexington, what are yo...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!"
"Heh heh heh..."
Beginning Anew: TGS Season 5 coming March 12th...