Hansel and Gretel
Disclaimer: "Hansel und Gretel" is created by the Grimm Brothers, while Ranma ½ is created by Rumiko Takahashi. I just use the characters and story to make something funny of my own.
Author's note: Some parts of this story will probably follow the original "Hansel and Gretel"-story by the Grimm's version pretty closely, while other parts could be QUITE different.
Some will laugh and think this story is good or funny, while others while not.
Author's new note: Finally I updated and improved the grammar of this story. -
Ryoga Hibiki (child-form) as Hansel
Ranma-chan Saotome (child-form) as Gretel
Genma Saotome as the mean father
Nodoka Saotome as the caring mother
Happosai as the wicked witch (?)
Mousse as the goose.
Tempest the dragonas, well taking the role of the birds.
Psuriko as the narrator. (Yay! - )
Explanations to certain figures:
(v-v;)- means sweat drop.
means someone is doing something
BIG LETTERS - means someone is yelling or screaming
… - means someone is thinking or short of words
(Insert comment) - means author's noting something
( )- means someone of the actors is mumbling
Narrator: In the beginning of the large Tendo-forest. A poor martial artist (due to too much gambling in town and many travels for"perfecting" his martial-arts skills). Who lived in a cottage and was currently working as a woodsman with his wife and their two children: The little black-haired boy was named Hansel, while the red-headed sweet little girl was named Gretel. The father hadn't much to feed his family with, due to everything got more expensive, he couldn't support his family much in these hard times. (He couldn't even gamble anymore at his local gambling-hall.)
Ranma-chan: Wait a minute! How do you think that I will by my own free will, be a girl in this whole story? And why am I, a child and on top of that. Mr. P isn't even my brother!
Psuriko: Well, I will answer your questions in order:
Do you remember when you woke up wet this morning?
Ranma-chan: So, what?
Psuriko: And you couldn't turn into a man again after the bath?
Nr. 1# I had borrowed Herb's"Chiisuiton" to be sure that you couldn't spoil my fanfic by turning into male-form.
Ranma-chan: What! Gets into fighting stance to kick author's butt goodbye!
Psuriko: And it can be permanent. Evil grin(To some fanfic-readers joy and to other fanfic-readers dismay). After the fanfic is finished, I will douse you with the "Kaisuifuu" to reverse the "locking". (To some fanfic-readers dismay and to other fanfic-readers joy)
Psuriko: Nr. 2# And with help from my staff member Su-chan, I could use a temporary curse called "Chrono trigger", which would make both you and Ryoga stay in child-state until the end of the story.
And finally answer nr.3 would you instead have the hammergirl, or the miss black Rosie,
miss Okonomiyaki or even the Bonbori-girl as your sister in this story?
Or the best: Tatewaki Kuno as your brother in this story! Getting rather angry
Ranma-chan: NO, no, definitely not! (Sheesh he's rather cranky this day)
Narrator: One evening the father layed on the sofa and wondered what he could do to flip these turn of events to make into something profiting for himself, while his wife was cleaning the house.
Father: What should I do? Four bellies to feed. What will happen to us?
Mother: There, there, we can eat less to make the food last longer.
Father: No, I have an better idea. Tomorrow when we go out in the forest to cut some trees, I'll take the children deep into the forest, make an fire and give them their supply of nikumans for the day and leave them while we go to cut down trees.
Narrator: But the father had to reconsider his idea, when his wife swiftly threatened him with her trusty sword and said:
Mother: YOU WOULDN'T DARE TO LEAVE THE CHILDREN OUT IN THE FOREST AND LET THEM GET EATEN, TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE!
Narrator: Meanwhile the father tries to recover from that assault of his wife's yelling and sword swipes. The children were also starving. Hansel had fallen asleep, while Gretel had heard the conversation between their parents:
Gretel: I could expect that pops would have thought doing that. And if he think that we'll tricked that easy… With tears in her eyes before waking her sleeping a brick brother, by kicking him of the bed.
Hansel: Ou….humph, hm! Gretel is holding her hand against his mouth to avoid noises.
Gretel: The old geezer is going to try to make us lost in the forest and eaten by wild boars in the forest. Whispering
Hansel: I know something that can help us from our fate.
Gretel: Like… tie a string of wool on the doorknob to find our way home? Forget it, pops wouldn't get tricked by something simple like that.
Hansel: I thought it was a good idea…
Narrator: During the night when all have fallen asleep, little Hansel had gone out of the house to try and find the lavatory. It had gone about 1 hour before Gretel had woken, finding that her brother had got, lost again. (v-v;)
She decided to find the roaming brother and found him in the kitchen.
Gretel: And we are supposed to be related, big brother. (v-v;)
Hansel: I just tried to find the lavatory.
Gretel: Gesh, it's just outside the house. It is better that I show you the way, so you don't get lost again! (Even a blind dog can find a lavatory.)
Hansel: But I don't get lost all the time…
Narrator: The little girl guided the eternal lost brother to the lavatory. While she was waiting for him to get finished. Gretel saw something flashing with a soft sparkle in the light of the shining full moon.
Gretel: What is sparkling with such a beauty? Huh, small pretty stones?
They can maybe be useful…
Narrator: They both got to bed and slept until the early morning. Their father took the family out in the forest. During the walk little Gretel stopped a few times and a few times more looking in the direction of the house. The father was getting pretty annoyed by this habit of his daughter:
Father: Daughter! Why are you looking in the direction of the house so often? If you keep doing that you will slow down the rest of us and making the work be delayed!
Gretel: I'm, uh looking at my cat at the roof while it waves to me.
(Very smart move. (v-v;) )
Father: Don't be silly, you are allergic against cats!
Narrator: The father wasn't fooled by this, but he didn't find out that little red-haired Gretel was throwing one of the pretty stones every once and while.
Finally they stopped in a deep part of the Tendo-forest, where the father arranged a minor bonfire for keeping the children warm and gave them their supply of nikuman and he said:
Father: Children, rest here and eat while your mother and me goes deeper in the forest cutting down trees to sale.
Narrator: Hansel fall asleep after a few hours, while Gretel practiced some of her martial –arts taught by her mother, to fend of rapers' and other up-to-no-gooders.
After the sun started to set Hansel had woken up and joined Gretel in a game of sparring. After the game the siblings feasted on their nikumans. After they have finished the meal and the bonfire started pass out. Hansel panicked.
Hansel: Argh! What are we going to do now when the fire is almost out and we can't find our way home! Hansel got whammed after that comment and before he went crazy.
Gretel: Look in the moonlight, shining on the ground!
Hansel: What am I suppose to be looking for?
Gretel: Don't you see the sparkling stones lined up in a path for our way home?
Are you sure that you are not adopted into this family?
Narrator: Gretel took her brother by his neck and dragged him home following the path of shining stones. And finally they reached home at dawn. Gretel knocked on the door at the same time as the father opened the door to go to work. Resulting the daughter knocking in his face.
Father: Where have you been? Your mother and I were worried that you got lost in the forest when we searched for you, before we gave up when the evening came.
Narrator: The mother was very happy that the children weren't eaten by the wild boars in the Tendo-forest, so happy that she almost squeezed the life out of her children. First she suspected her husband to have executed his evil plane when the children went missing, but when they came home she didn't suspect her husband anymore.
Thanks to the big prize the father claimed in town, the family could live normal for a few weeks. When the money was coming to an end, the family was running short on food again. He decided this time to take the children into the deepest part of the Tendo-forest.
The father started to develop this plan in a sketchbook he had won in the gambling hall.
After a few hours writing down how his plan was to executed, he locked the sketchbook in his private desk in the parent's bedroom. The whole family had fallen asleep, except for Gretel who had been watching her father from a doorchink. She had decided to open THAT drawer, when the rest of the family had gone to bed. She snuck, quiet as a cat inside the bedroom and took out a hidden picklock in her pigtail and started gently to pick up the lock in the drawer. After a few minutes the wet little cat burglar emerges as the winner, defeating the strange lock.
She darted out of the room when her father suddenly snored loud with the sketchbook.
Gretel: Damn pops, I almost got a heart attack! In a mumbling tone.
Narrator: Gretel walked into their own bedroom and looked through her father sketchbook.
Gretel: (Damn pops, being so cryptic with his doodles called a"master plan".)
Narrator: Gretel managed to translate a bit of the"hieroglyphs" of his father, though most of the
notes were about gambling tactics.
Gretel: (Does he use so damn much paper for gambling and just little about how he is going to get rid of us.)
Narrator: Our little redheaded girl tried to open the door, but the father had made sure that no one was going to go outside until the next morning.
Gretel: Pops! Why did you lock the door? Hopefully I can improvise somehow tomorrow.
Narrator: The mother awakened the children and gave them some the last food they had in the household: Fish sticks!
Gretel tried repeating her last move, this time by crumble her fish sticks and spread them out on the ground when the father didn't look.
The father got rather ticked of on his daughter's behaviour of turning around and looks at the house.
Father: Why are you looking at house again, it' starting to become a behaviour?
Gretel: I'm looking at my, uhm… goldfish who is standing in the window and waves goodbye to me. In a cute, girlish innocent way.
Father: (Oh, heavens my daughter is becoming psychotic. Thankfully I get rid of her and it's pitiful that I need to get rid of my son as well.) Muttering low to himself.
Narrator: What little Gretel didn't know was that the fish sticks crumbs she spread on the ground where eaten by a particular rare animal in the Tendo-forest.
Narrator: The little red-haired girl didn't know that the dragon were a sucker for fish in all various forms. And if folks out there wondered why no boars attacked Hansel and Gretel, the dragon had barbequed them due to it was bored and had nothing particular to do.
The family continued further into the Tendo-forest. The father said to his wife:
Father: You can start here with chopping some trees, while I will walk with the children deeper in the forest to learn my son how to properly cut a tree.
Narrator: The mother believed his persuading words and started to cut trees, while the husband ventured deeper into the forest with their two children. And finally stopped.
He made another bonfire for the children to rest by if they got tired.
Father: Wait here by the bonfire and eat your food and we will come back after the work is finished.
Narrator: The father left the children to their fate.
Hansel: Why didn't dad show me how to properly chop trees?
Gretel: How can you be so gullible? Pops left us to starve in the forest to save his own skin!
Hansel: But father said that he would come and take us home when they finished work…
Gretel: Damn, you're really gullible!
Narrator: After a while they fought over the fish sticks and Gretel got most of them, Hansel a few and the dragon decided to join the battle over the fish sticks.
Hansel: Big lizard!
Gretel: Mash it and we have lizard hotdogs before we head home!
Narrator: What they didn't know was that the dragon Tempest got really insulted by being called an ordinary"lizard"! Tempest decided that these kids needed a lesson when they tried to clobber it. Blazing storm! Damn, those kids got smoked. The dragon chased them around the big bonfire until the children got tired.
Gretel: Can't… that… blasted… lizard… quit… the chase?
Hey what is it that you have in your pocket, Hansel?
Hansel: it… is… just… a … fish stick!
Gretel: I … think… the lizard…. wants… the fish stick…
Hansel: No way! You took most of my fish sticks and I am still hungry.
Narrator: The dragon stood and watched the two siblings quarrel about the supply, when Tempest finally saw the fish stick in Hansel's pocket, Tempest smelled before eating the other fish sticks earlier.
Gretel: If you can't throw away the blasted fish stick, then I will do it!
Narrator: And Gretel quickly swiped the fish stick from Hansel's pocket before he could protest and threw it quite a bit into the forest.
Gretel: Finally we got rid of that lizard!
Hansel: But why did you have to have the last fish stick? And it's dark so we can't find home! Panics, before Gretel slapped Hansel to calm him down.
Gretel: Silly! We just need to find the fish crumbles I left in the forest.
Narrator: The children walked around to find the fish sticks, unaware of that the dragon had already eaten the fish crumbles left as string of thread to find the destination.
They got lost in the forest and spent the following three days to find their way out, to no success.
Gretel: It's no use! WHY can't we find the crumbles?
Hansel: I think that I am starting hallucinating. I smell gingerbread and sweets!
Gretel: If that is true, then I'm also hallucinating. I smell raspberry soda!
Narrator: The child tries to locate the scent of lovely sweets and comes across an odd
looking house. The house is decorated with lingerie's in all shapes, colours and sizes. Some only in a sexist's fantasy! (And I am not one of those. )
Gretel: This house looks kind of creepy in a way.
Hansel: Is it? Tastes very good!
Narrator: Gretel looks shocked on her brother's behaviour. Devouring bras of chocolate and panties of peppermint rock.
: Cracker, crocker, mouse, WHO is eating on my lingerie house?
Narrator: The children panicked (Mostly Hansel though, he was the only one who ate of the house).
Gretel came up with a great idea:
Gretel: We are only pink elephants eating on your house.
Witch: Ok, I go and continuing with playing with my hobby.
Gretel: I wonder which one is more gullible: My brother or that person in the house.
Narrator: Hansel continued to eat on the lingerie house, while Gretel looked on in disgust.
And suddenly a little man with a smoking pipe supporting him opened the front door. Hansel wasn't ready for this and fell of the bra-roof.
Witch: Dear children, whom have brought here? Come in and stay in my house. Here you will never feel distress. I have plenty of food!
Narrator: Hansel was happy that he wouldn't need to starve, while the sister felt she couldn't trust the old bald man. But what they didn't know is that the witch lured young girls (And in some cases really young girls)to the house and crammed the girls with
magical maturing-pills hidden in the sweets the witch offered. When they got an enough huge bust to satisfy the witch, he took an ink print of their bust and then when he got tired of the girls he transformed them with his wand,(Which was cleverly disguised as a smoking-pipe ) into lingerie's (real thing I might add ).
The house was just made out of sweets to symbolise his obsession. (People can't be judged their job, but I think that this witch is too sick!)
The witch thought that the little red-haired girl could become a girl with a nice and huge bust and to use her for other fun stuff. With a swing of his pipe he locked little Gretel inside a cage with bars of pure steel, making it impossible for a normal human to escape.
Hansel was ordered to serve his sister huge amount of food, while he could only eat
Little red-haired Gretel was a wee bit smarter then the bald witch and decided to not eating the food, she instead throw it as long as possible from her cage to avoid that the witch would discover Gretel's little trick. But not eating anything made her stomach to go on a war against her mind. A few times she successfully tricked little Hansel to show her, his food and swiped kind a quickly and feasted on the broccoli.
Gretel: Blargh! Disgusting, how can even you eat this thing?
Hansel: It's no problem, it tastes like something from heaven.
Narrator: And finally the day came when the witch was going to "inspect" if little red-haired Gretel had finally grown "some" bust, due to the maturing-pills and finally to cook the boy to give the witch something eat. (The witch only ate boys when he could, but since they didn't come as often as girls.
The witch ate" cramming-pills" during the time when he couldn't eat boys. )
Luckily for Gretel, after a few days she decided to ditch the cage by using her picklock inside her pigtail she had forgot.
Gretel: I'm tired of this cage, time say bye-bye!
Narrator: She said and was thinking of letting her brother be alone with the witch, but then she wouldn't have a brother to bug anymore.
The witch had decided first cook Hansel and then look up his petite red haired toy.
Gretel: Damn how big this creepy house is! Where can Hansel be?
Narrator: Gretel searched through the house and couldn't find him. She decided to look on the backyard of the big lingerie house. And there he was with the bald witch.
The witch swung with the pipe and said:
Witch: Give me, give me a big stone oven. For my use to be granted!
Gretel: (That bald old dwarf of a witch can't even rhyme.) (v-v;)
Narrator: And a mighty stone oven appeared magically in the backyard, ready to for cooking.
Witch: Go and find some sticks to heat up the oven, boy!
Narrator: And little Hansel went a bit into the forest and gathered some sticks and returned back to the witch in hopes of getting something more to eat.
Witch: Good, now the oven is warm enough to cook in. Boy, come here and look inside the oven to see if it is really warm enough to cook!
Narrator: Hansel did as the bald witch said, but when he crawled a part into oven. A question popped up in his mind and he crawled back out of the stone oven to ask the witch:
Hansel: How am I suppose to know if it is really warm enough to cook?
Witch: How can you as a dumb as a brick?
Gretel: (I couldn't agree more myself.) (v-v;)
Witch: I show how you are supposed to do!
Narrator: The witch ventured a good bit longer into the stone oven, then Hansel.
Witch: You see?
Narrator: And little Gretel couldn't resist to pay back for what the witch has. (Mostly creating that creepy house and the food he made. )
And she did a flying kick on the witch, making it go straight into the fire of the stone oven and incinerate the pervert witch!
Gretel: Take this, you old geezer!
Narrator: The only thing that was left from the witch was his magical smoking pipe.
Gretel promptly took it for future needs.
Gretel: Come brother! It is time to find our way home.
Hansel: But the witch was supposed to show me how to know when to cook.
Gretel: You ARE as dumb as a brick!
Narrator: They quarrelled all the way through the forest, noticing several fried bears as they walked. But they couldn't find they way out of the forest, instead they somehow ended up finding a big lake by the forest.
An odd looking duck in the lake looked at them like it was going to attack the red-haired little
Gretel: What is it with you, stupid duck? I haven't even done anything mean against you!
Narrator: Due to have been trained by her mother to fend of attackers, Gretel used the pipe as a shield to repel the duck's knife-attack.
Hansel: This is a not so ordinary duck after all…
Gretel: … (v-v;)
Narrator: Suddenly Gretel come up with a superb idea. To choke the duck with the pipe!
But she didn't have time to execute the plan, due to the duck had sensed that the red-haired girl had something in mind and threw several knives to pin the pipe to a nearby tree.
Gretel: Stupid duck! I'll choke you with my bare hands!
Duck: Quack, quack!
Narrator: The duck said in a taunting way like: Come on strawberry-head, you are no match for me!
And suddenly a sulphur-scent covered the area.
The dragon was back!
Gretel: Not you again! We don't have anything you want, so just scram and let me beat up this duck already!
Narrator: The dragon looked very disappointed, now when it had found it's playmates again. Tempest glared with an evil grin at the duck. The knife-throwing duck thought it was safer to retreat than becoming a barbequed duck!
Before they went of, Gretel released the magical smoking pipe from the clutches of the knives sticking on the tree.
And came up with a new and greater idea:
Gretel:"Give me, give me a duck grand as automobile. For my use to be granted"!
Narrator: And the magical wand disguised as a smoking pipe, granted the wish and turned the odd looking duck, (who tired to fly away before hit by the spell) into a big amphibian duck-car to traverse the lake.
After a few hours and several protests from the duck-car's radio, (The duck obviously didn't like to be turned into a car. (v-v;) ) the two siblings reached the beach on the other side of the lake. When they went into the forest, the little girl Gretel thought this part of the forest looked familiar, while the brother was going in the opposite direction.
Gretel: You really need to change some parts in your head, Hansel. Our house is right 180 degrees from you, if you turn your head!
Narrator: And Hansel and Gretel raced to the cottage called home. The mother saw her children running towards the house from the window and rushed out her self to greet them:
Mother:" Welcome home children", I shouldn't have listen to your father. I am so happy that you came home at last.
Narrator: The mother said. When they were going to wash the children's dirty and scorched cloths, something big and round fell out of Hansel's pocket.
A bag made out skin that contained many precious gems, emeralds, sapphires, rubies an even diamonds that the witch had stolen during its many travels before settling down in the forest.
Mother: Gretel, did you steal these and put them into Hansel's pocket?
Narrator: Knowing that Gretel had learnt some of her father's burglar skills, but the little girl said:
Gretel: Nope, I didn't even know that there were jewels in that bag of the old bald witch.
Narrator: The mother decided that they could use these gems to invest in a more profiting company then cutting trees. The father had the morning after that he left the children out in the forest, decided to go on a loooong training journey and master his gambling abilities.
What happened to that pipe you ask? Well, Gretel used it to do many funny things. (Including bug her brother with the pipe.)
The duck-car had decided to drive to a big city and work as a unique cab company.
And what may have happened to the dragon Tempest you say?
The dragon grew sick of being away that long from Su-chan and decided to travel back to the author's room. (After Tempest have fried several beasts that tried to slow down the dragon's journey.
Tempest found a fish n' chips bar at the same time as the dragon lost the map home and coincidently found another map to "All authors' home map on " And after eating out all food on the fish n' chips bar, finally found home to the author's dismay (v-v) and Su-chan's joy - .)
(Oh, and everyone lived happy until the next Ranma½ fic comes up.) Evil grin
Author: R&R and tell what you think about my odd and pretty long fairy-tale.