Chronicles of Sara Sidle

Summary: A look in the journal of CSI level three Sara Sidle.

Chapter one:

January 17, 2005

Everyone has secrets. It's a common thing. Anyone who doesn't have any secrets is either dead or just inhuman. Me? I have a lot and I'll admit it. We just started up a case at a church nearby here where someone shot a guy while he was praying. I go to church there. I know the priest cos I've been going there for 5 years. So when it comes to asking him if he knew the lady or knew who was there with her, I went with Grissom to ask. So I address him, Father Dominic, and Grissom looks at me like he was shocked. It's crazy. Then Nick finds out and things its "interesting". I hate life you know that? So secret number one if it's a secret just cos no one asked: I go to church. Big freaking deal. I can tell you bigger secrets than that.

Like for instance wanna know the real reason that I'm "Empathic" towards rape and abuse cases. Take a freaking guess people! I had a hell of a childhood I'll tell you that much. I was 12 when finally I got out of that hell you call a life. Spent the rest of my years before I could go to college, shifting houses, before settling into that one at the B and B. I never felt home there. I never knew what a home was. I do know one thing, home isn't here in Las Vegas.

Secret three I guess....I'm terrified of turning out like my birth mom. Yeah. I got drunk that one night and when I came home I threw out all the alcohol and spent the night crying. Funny to you probably, but you don't understand. My mom was a drunk who blamed me for everything. She blamed my brother until my dad killed him when he kicked him one too many times. Try watching that fight take place. I can even tell you where that body's buried in our old backyard. Hell no I won't tell anyone. My dad gets busted, then my mom comes out of the woods and kills me before I can say I told you so.

She got paroled a few months ago. I looked that up on the computer awhile ago and I threw my coffee cup at the door. No one noticed. They just went about. Kind of happy about that. Kind of scares me knowing she's out there with my dad somewhere. They probably blame me for getting her in jail too. I guess they're right seeing as I'm practically nothing but one big screw up. Get drunk and have to go to counseling but I sure as hell stopped that. Shift split and I'm helping Greg get field experience. Maybe when I finally leave this place he'll be great in taking my spot. Everyone knows Grissom feels like shit since the split though.

The best team, Catherine's shift. Nick, Warrick, and Catherine working together? They'll kick ass. Us? Grissom and I are working to train Greggo. I don't think Grissom has the patience for Greg anymore. I help him out so Griss doesn't push Greg too much. Greg will hold himself up after I go.

After I go. Where the hell am I going to go? Maybe back to San Francisco. I still have my house there that I go to on my vacation days. I sit there in that old blue chair on the beach. I had a dog before I came to Las Vegas. I had to put Jesse to sleep because he got sick. I want a dog. Hey, maybe if I get a dog I'll cheer up. Who am I kidding, I'm depressed. Hell I was great when I moved here. Now 5 years later, I'm a fucking wreck. Damn this life, damn this city, damn my mom, damn my dad, damn everyone and everything, damn it why the hell am I still here? I shouldn't be here you know.

Jason shouldn't have died that night. My dad was hitting me and then Jason screamed for him to stop. Jason had to scream. He had to make a fuss. He couldn't just close his eyes and let it happen, could he? No, in the end it got him killed and left me there to take it all, and still be able to go by day by day miserably. This sucks by the way. I'm glad this is a journal. If anyone reads this they'll send me to a shrink instantly. Kinda funny.

Sara Sidle