January 22, 2005
I hate life. Some way life seem so fair at this point. I went to church today for the first time in awhile. Greg came with when he heard the news. Jessica went into labor a couple months earlier than she was supposed to, and died of a brain aneurism after her kid came into the world. Jessica and Alex had made a compromise. The baby ended up being named William Andrew Ramirez. It's Andy in there. Alex was heartbroken when he called me. He can't take care of Becky, Aly, and Will with his work right now, so I'm going to San Francisco to help out a bit.
Grissom at first wouldn't let me go so I just nodded and left about to call Alex. When I had my cell phone in hand Greg hung it up. Greg had told off Grissom when I left and Grissom gave in. I love Greg for doing that. I'm headed to San Francisco on a plane in an hour. I'm waiting for the flight to board.
They say that there's a plan for everyone in life, but what does this world gain by losing someone like Jessica? It sucks. She never did feel the pain of that hangover love gave her, but mine's coming back dead ahead like a train rushing to get home. Alex is barely holding it together at home. I gotta be strong for Aly and Becky. Alex couldn't get the time off and has to go into Boston tomorrow. I'll be taking the kids to my beach house where they'll stay and I'll watch them.
Jessica's parents aren't willing to help with the kids. I guess they're hurting, but why take it out on the twins and Will? Another reason why life isn't fair.
Oh there's another one, Will isn't doing to good. They didn't think he'd live but he did so far. He can't use his legs that much and when he starts to walk he'll have to use braces on his legs. It's a shame that such a thing should happen. So I went to church. I don't care if there is or isn't someone listening, but if I am being heard then I just want Will to live a good long and healthy life. He should be able to do the things that other kids do.
Even with Jessica gone, he should do good in life. Alex will love him just as much. It's gonna be rough on Alex, but me and the others in the gang are gonna help out. The others: Jeremy, Aaron, and Stephanie, are gonna take time off work to help out. None of them can get this week though so that's where I come in. I haven't even cried. Is that terrible of me? My best friend for years died and I haven't shed a tear. I don't think there's any tears for me to cry anymore in life.
I used to have this real raspy voice when I was a kid. They said it was because I cried so much when I was smaller. You rarely hear it because it only comes out when I'm upset. I worked on it. No one at work has heard that except for Greg, and now Grissom. I was in the locker room about to leave when Grissom came in and well that raspy voice came out and He didn't say anything, but I know he noticed. This sucks real bad.
Grissom told me to call when I get into San Francisco and that if I need it, I can have a few more days off than I asked for. Greg's taking Nikolai for me. In the past few days that dog has worked his way into my heart. He sleeps with me in my bed and I wake up to him snoring on the pillow next to me. He's a sweetie. I'll miss him in this next week.
Today for breakfast, before this fiasco, the whole old nightshift met up for breakfast. We all sat in the familiar spot in the diner and just talked. Nothing about work, just what's going on in life. In 2 weeks we're gonna help Catherine throw a surprise birthday party for Lindsey, Nick's going to be in his brother's wedding in a month or so, and Warrick's older sister is coming so he's a little stressed about that one. I guess we're doing okay. At least we put on a good show if we're not.