Uncanny Excalibur

Chapter 38: It Hits the Fan


The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics.

Crossmore Prison-

Captain Britain and the rest of Excalibur weren't having the best of days. Tink, Pete Wisdom's estranged wife, had come to the team with news that there was something sinister going on in MI:13, the branch of the British Secret Service that dealt with metahuman business. Apparently the new head of MI:13 had taken control of the organization and had used a mysterious blue crystal to control the minds of the other heroes. The crystal only worked on the human heroes, so the alien members of the Secret Service had been locked up and were to be executed. Captain Britain had led part of the team to free the alien heroes, while Wisdom took the remaining members of the team to Westminster to investigate their new boss.

Captain Britain was tangling with the mysterious hero known only as Albion.

'You have no hope of winning, Braddock.' Albion sneered as he struggled with Excalibur's leader.

'The bad guys always say that.' Captain Britain rolled his eyes. 'You really should come up with something a little more original.'

Cap slammed a fist into Albion's face, knocking off his opponent's mask. He stood back aghast at the sight of the other man's face. He was an exact copy of Captain Britain himself!

'Surprised to see my face?' Albion scowled as he wiped blood from his chin. 'The name's Bran Bardic, not that it'll help you.'

'Let's see if you have the same powers as me, shall we?' Captain Britain said as he grabbed his mind-controlled duplicate by the collar and smashed through the ceiling, taking to the skies above.

Strong Guy was dealing with Micromax, a former disk jockey with the mutant ability to change his shape.

'Wow, they really grow 'em big where you come from, don't they?' Strong Guy grunted as the giant Micromax tried to crush him beneath his boot, Strong Guy easily caught his enemy's foot and was struggling to tip him over. 'I kinda feel like I should crack a fat joke, but nothing's comin' to me right now. Man, I gotta work on some new material…'

'I'm going to grind you into mush!' Micromax hissed as he poured on the pressure. 'You might as well give up now. Die with some dignity.'

'Aww, I guess I've always been too dumb to know when I'm beat.' Strong Guy grimaced as he forced his opponent's foot upwards, sending him tumbling backwards.

Elsewhere, Lionheart and Amora were taking on Kylun and Captain Cymru, a master swordsman with the mutant ability to mimic any sound, and a Welsh counterpart of Captain Britain respectively.

'Die, witch!' Kylun yelled as he lashed out at the Enchantress with his swords. The young man obviously had some issues with magic users.

'I do not wish to hurt you, mortal.' Amora responded as she attempted to defend herself against her opponent's onslaught. 'But I will defend myself with deadly force if I must.'

'Then fight back!' Kylun retorted. 'Stop hiding behind your magic and fight me!'

'If you say so…' Amora responded as she sent a bolt of magic Kylun's way. The magic bolt impacted on Kylun's chest, sending him crashing against the wall. Unfortunately, Amora barely had time to celebrate her victory as Captain Cymru leapt at her, tackling the Asgardian sorceress to the ground. Thankfully, Lionheart was there to defend her teammate.

'I've been looking forward to this for a long time.' Lionheart hissed as she grabbed Captain Cymru by the hair and yanked her off her teammate. 'It's time to show you what the English used to do to the rest of you sheep-fiddlers back in the day!'

Captain Cymru lashed out with an elbow to the head, knocking Lionheart back. Obviously, Welsh jokes weren't the best of ideas right now.

'I'm going to rip your bloody head off for that!' Captain Cymru yelled as she went for Lionheart. Unknown to the Welsh heroine, Amora had recovered sufficiently from her beat down to launch another bolt of magic at her. The magic bolt hit Captain Cymru on the back, sending her falling right on top of Lionheart.

'I could have taken her.' Lionheart sniffed as she shoved the unconscious Captain Cymru away. Amora simply shook her head at that.

'Yes, I could see that you needed no help with the Welsh woman screaming bloody murder at you.'

Finally, Meggan was taking on Captain UK, another Captain Britain from an alternate reality. She and the Braddocks had known each other for a very long time, since Brian's early days as Captain Britain in fact.

'Come on, Linda…' Meggan implored her friend. 'I know you're in there. You're better than this.'

'The mistress wants you destroyed!' Captain UK retorted. 'So destroyed you shall be!'

Meggan really didn't want to fight her friend, but she knew there was nothing else she could do. The mind control seemed to be ingrained pretty deep, so she hoped that Pete Wisdom and his team soon found out a way to stop the mess.


While Captain Britain's team were dealing with the mind-controlled heroes, Pete Wisdom and the others had to contend with Courtney Ross and her mind control crystal. The team had attempted to sneak into the MI:13 headquarters in Westminster, but Ms Ross had been ready for them. The heroes had been captured by her mind-controlled guards.

'You wasted your time coming here, Wisdom.' Courtney taunted the heroes. 'You're going to end up under my control, just like the rest of those weak-minded fools.'

'We're not going to give you the chance, you blonde tramp!' Tink snapped as she shrunk down to pixie size. The other members of the team followed suit and attacked their captors.

'Idiots!' Courtney yelled angrily. 'Stop them before they destroy my office! I just had it redecorated!' There was a way that Courtney could have won the fight instantly, by using her mind control crystal to bring the heroes under her control. The blonde woman scrabbled desperately for her magical mind control device, but it was nowhere to be found.

'Looking for this?' Spitfire grinned as she tossed the blue crystal about. 'What do you chaps say about a game of keep away?' The blonde-haired speedster tossed it to her teammates. Black Knight was the one to catch it.

'Now, time to end this little campaign of yours.' The former Avenger said as he tossed the crystal into the air and smashed it into pieces with his sword.

'No! You fool!' An incensed Courtney yelled. 'You've ruined it all!' The blonde woman went for a gun she had kept hidden under her desk. 'I'll kill you myself!'

Courtney never managed to get off a single shot as Wisdom blasted the gun out of her hands with one of his hot knives.

'It's over, Ms Ross.' Wisdom told the defeated woman. 'Give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.'

'I'll never surrender to the likes of you!' Courtney spat as she began to fade away. 'You will all pay for this!'

'Forge! Get her back!' Wisdom commanded the mutant inventor.

'No can do, Wisdom.' Forge apologized. 'The tech-dampeners are still messing with my equipment. She'll be miles away by the time I figure out a way to break the dampeners.'

'Well, at least we did what we came here to do.' Black Knight piped up. 'We beat the bad guy, and with that crystal destroyed everybody should return to normal.'

Back at Crossmore Prison-

Sure enough, with the mind control crystal destroyed, all of the heroes under Courtney Ross's thrall returned to normal. There were plenty of apologies to go around from those heroes that had been forced to fight their friends.

'I can't tell you how sorry I am that I attacked you, miss.' Kylun apologised. 'I mean, we've never even met, and I tried to take your head off.'

'You would not be the first one to try.' Amora reassured the young sword-wielding hero. 'Think nothing of it, you were not yourself.'

'I still feel really guilty.' Kylun shook his head sadly. 'It wasn't very nice of me attacking a lady.' Amora couldn't help but laugh at that.

'Heh. It has been a long time since anybody has called me a lady.'

'What do you mean, ma'am?' Kylun inquired.

'Well, let us say that I have not exactly led a heroic life.' Amora responded.

Elsewhere, Captain Britain was talking to Albion, his doppelganger from an alternate reality.

'I'm still confused as to why you're here.' Cap said. 'I understand why Linda's here, her home reality was destroyed, but what brings you to this reality?'

'Explanations will have to wait, Braddock.' Albion answered. 'We have much work to do after the trouble Courtney Ross put us through. '


Courtney Ross materialized in her penthouse suite elsewhere in London. Courtney frowned angrily. She could sense that she wasn't the only one in her apartment.

'Come out and show yourself.' The woman challenged as she reached for a desk side lamp. 'Unless you want your head bashed in.'

'Ah, my dear Ms Ross…' A voice chuckled from the shadows. 'Why so serious?' The figure speaking to her stepped out of the shadows revealing a figure dressed in green-and-yellow robes and a horned crown. It was Loki, the Asgardian God of Mischief. 'I have come here to make you a deal, Ms Ross. Or should I call you Opal Lun Sat-Yr-9?'

'So, you know my true identity.' Sat-Yr-9 glowered at the God of Mischief. 'What's this deal you speak of?'

Loki smiled charmingly as he put an arm around the blonde woman's shoulders. 'Why, what other reason than good old-fashioned mischief?'


Next: Rock Trolls of London

In an 'Uncanny Cabal' tie-in, Sat-Yr-9 sends Ulik the Rock Troll to attack her enemies in Excalibur.