Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anyone else from his world for that matter. Heck, I only own one character in this story: Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie Miller! I've put her name in bold throughout the story so as it might be a bit less confusing.

No Thanks to Hermione By Padfoot's Sidekick

"Chapter 1: The Dark Lord's New Target"

"Attention! Attention everyone!"

Nobody in the boisterous crowd paid any notice to the speaker, a tall, white-bearded man with half-moon spectacles by the name of Albus Dumbledore. Nobody, that is, except for me, a bushy-haired teenage bookworm who was trying to hush everybody up so that we could hear what Dumbledore had to say. Of course, no one neither noticed nor cared about me or my attempts to quiet the crowd. No one ever did. Merlin, but I felt like a nobody!

"ATTENTION!" Dumbledore finally shouted.

Still not listening . . .

"FINE then! Don't pay any attention!"

That got 'em. The room suddenly went silent as a grave as all heads turned toward the bearded man. ((A/N: Imagine crickets chirping.)) Dumbledore looked slightly startled.

"Okay then," he began after clearing his throat. "You are probably all wondering why I called this emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix."

"No, not really," someone called from somewhere in the middle of the audience.

Dumbledore raised a critical eyebrow.

"You're about to tell us who the Dark Lord is looking for for his next big target," the person explained. "Besides Harry Potter, I mean."

"Stand up," Dumbledore commanded, his blue eyes scanning the room for the speaker.

When the person obeyed, I was surprised to find that it was Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie Miller, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Moving on.

"Well, Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie, who do you think Lord Voldemort is after?"

"Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's one and only best friend." And what am I? Chopped liver? Don't answer that.

Dumbledore raised his other eyebrow.

"That's incorrect, Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie," Dumbledore replied. I heard Ron heave a sigh of relief next to me. Yay for him. "Voldemort is actually, Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie, looking for someone a bit different than our favorite heroes."

He smiled at Harry and Ron. I felt sorry for whoever Voldemort was looking for. Dumbledore could be pretty unfair when comparing his "favorite heroes" to someone else.

"Then who's he after?" urged Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie.

That was when Dumbledore looked right at me, his forget-me-not blue eyes solemn, when my blood went cold. I knew what he was going to say. He knew I did. He said those fatal words anyway: "Hermione Granger."

A/N: 'Ello!!! So, did you like it? I couldn't resist putting in that name!!!! It was so much fun!!! Well, you had better review or else I'll sick my PERNICIOUS PENGUINS on you!!!!!!!!