Book the 3rd & 1/2 by Lemony Snicket: The Frightful Forest
Disclaimer & Introduction:
All characters recognized don't belong to me, they belong to Daniel Handler. So, don't sue please. And when I say "this book was written by Lemony Snicket," I mean to say "this book was not written by Lemony Snicket." So do not blame him for the terrible events in the story you are about to read that the grieving Baudelaire orphans were forced to endure. Even Lemony Snicket's editor could not bring himself to print this woeful tale that includes a mad monster, talking to strangers, an ancient Aztec tradition, colorful frogs, and a rustic gong. So do not read this story and save yourself from the horrible details of this painful experience during the Baudelaire's journey. You have been warned.
You may well be wondering how I got my hands on this unprinted transcript. It was not easy; I had to sneak into the publishers building and find my way down to the basement where they keep their trash heaps before the garbage collectors come around and take them away. I was sifting through the bin for hours on end searching for the letter from Lemony Snicket which I heard was rumored to have been recently received and I eventually found it; shredded piece by shredded piece. It read:
I am writing this letter on the bark of a white birch tree which I found while wading through the marshes in the Flannigan Forest to find clues on the Baudelaires case. You may notice my writing style is somewhat skewed in this book, I apologize for this; It is a result of writing this while licking frogs to further investigate the feelings Sunny must have been going through when she accidentally took a sip of the frog's secretion.
To find my next file on the Baudelaire orphans buy a ticket to the 4 o'clock showing of The World Is Quite Here by Al Funcoot and buy "a big can of popcorn" from the middle-aged teller with glasses. You will find a key at the bottom of bucket which will open PO Box 314 at the Punctual Post and inside the mailbox you will find the next segment of the Baudelaire's story entitled The Frightful Forest. With it you will also find a vial of frog secretion, a large talon, and a photograph of Misses Blaine Allgood to help Mister Helquist with his illustrations.
Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally be told to the general public.
With all do respect,
I followed these instructions to the tee only to find that the contents of the locker were already emptied. So, once again, I had to search through the building of HarperCollins until I could find this remarkable book to bring it out to the public. I eventually found it on display at the bottom of a locked filing cabinet under the folder marked "This Was Not Written By Snicket" in a abandoned laboratory with a Beware of Leopard sign on the door. Unfortunately, I could not find Mr. Helquist's illustrations or the items he mentioned in the letter.
Now that you were properly warned about this story I doubt that you will bother opening up the book to read it. I do not blame you; you are saving yourself from hours of grieving and sobbing on the shoulder of your significant other (and should your significant other be imaginary; your cat). Or should you still insist on continuing on in some sort of macho test for yourself, I can only say this: you will greatly regret it.
Always read and review; I need incentives to continue writing. Without your wonderful comments I may be inclined to write the story at a very slow pace or I might just quit writing it. So please review!
you are inclined to be daring and wish to read more,
I will warn you that staring can make your eyes sore.
So, please don't read on; prevent all of this pain,
because next: the Baudelaires arrive at Muddy Lane.
The next chapter will be put up shortly, just waiting for some reviews : p