Never Have A Witness Like Daxter

By Light-Eco-Sage

Rated: Teen for language and not-meant-to-be-taken-seriously Yaoi. (JakTorn OMG!!!!!)

Summary: "It wasn't my fault. It wasn't Torn's fault either… well… maybe a little. My only mistake was having Daxter in the same room." Jak II, after Jak fights the Baron in the Palace.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I definitely don't own the JakTorn pairing. If you're looking to get a true Yaoi fic, I suggest you look elsewhere.

LES: Don't worry, it's not too bad. Have you ever read the story "They're Doing What?!?" By someone? It something like that. Go read that story. It's basically a humorous look at how JakDax Yaoi started. Well, this is a humorous look at how JakTorn started.

It was fated to not be a normal day from the moment that Jak woke up that morning. He knew it. And he was right. He finally got Vin to turn on the elevator that led up to the Palace and he managed to infiltrate the heart of the Baron's power hub. Jak had fought the Baron on the roof of the Palace, and had kicked the Baron's ass, but the bastard managed to escape in an escape pod… of course. Whoever says all super-villains are destroyed easily are big fat liars.

Needless to say, Jak was in a super-bad mood. Actually… he was always in a bad mood. He had not felt anything except a boiling resentment at the world in general since he busted out of prison months ago.

Things were about to get a whole lot worse.

Jak made it back into the Underground hideout, and instantly ran into Torn, Kor, and the Kid. Jak knew from the look on their faces that he was about to get grilled. The Kid had that look on his face that kids always wear when someone else is about to be yelled at. They don't like being yelled at, but they love watching other people be yelled at.

Torn looked up, his tattooed face contorted in anger. "The City's on High alert. What the hell'd you two do?!?" He demanded.

"Err…" Daxter began. "Nothing! We've been… sight-seeing. Right Jak?" Jak rolled his eyes. What kind of sights could I possibly see in this Hell-hole? Jak wondered to himself.

Torn didn't seem to believe Daxter any more than Jak did, or indeed, everyone in the room. "Really? Then why are the Krimzon Guards looking for…" He glanced at a piece of paper in front of him. "A dangerous young man with light hair, blue tunic, and a rabid orange RAT on his shoulder?" Torn glared pointedly at Daxter. The Kid pointed at Jak and Daxter as if to say 'It was them!'

"Shut up, Kid!" Jak growled.

"Err…" Daxter was clearly running out of excuses. And, as always, when he was backed up into a wall, his excuses got worse and worse. "Could be anyone, right? Orange is the new black, this season!"

"Look…" Jak said, rolling his eyes again. "We bullied Vin into helping turn on the elevator to the Palace; we rode up it, tripped a few alarms, and fought the Baron."

"WHAT?" Torn demanded. "I didn't authorize a strike on the…" He trailed off, apparently too pissed off to explain to Jak just how pissed off he was. After a few minutes, he glared up at Jak again. "Can I talk to you alone for a few minutes?"

Jak shrugged and followed Torn out of the room while the Kid laughed slightly, thinking that Jak was about to be punished big time. Kor shook his head. "A fool… but a brave fool." He commented as he walked out, followed by the silently laughing kid.

Daxter, with really nothing better to do, followed Jak and Torn out of the room into the hallway that led to the rooms and the offices. Torn lead Jak and, unwittingly, Daxter to his office. (Daxter hid in the rafters of Torn's office.) Once they were in, Torn exploded. He grabbed the front of Jak's tunic in a rage, pulling the elf in until they were about a few inches apart.

"You… you idiotic bastard!" Torn growled in a rage. "Do you have any idea what you've done, you moron! You jeopardized our whole Underground movement with your selfish stunt!"

Jak glared back at him. "Now, listen here! I want to make one thing clear. I'm only helping this rebel movement of yours because it gives me access to the Baron. If you stand in the way of my revenge, I'll take you down as easily as I take down the Baron's lapdogs!"

"Was that a threat, Blondie?" Torn asked, barely containing his rage.

"You bet it was." Jak growled. "And don't think I don't mean it either!"

"You know, if I was allowed to, I'd f&&&ing kill you right now, punk!" Torn hissed.

Daxter watched the impending drama from above, now concerned for his friend's well-being. Jak liked to pick fights all-too-often nowadays! And some times, he wasn't all that intelligent when he picked opponents… like when he picked the Baron and Erol… not to mention every Krimzon Guard and Baron-worshipper in the City… and the Metal-Heads. Can't forget the Metal-Heads.

He had to rescue his best buddy from the clutches of the evil-tattooed ex-Krimzon Guard! He could see the whole rescue scene in his mind…

Torn would go for the knife on his back and Dax-to-the-Max would leap down in a heroic swashbuckler-style and hit Torn silly about the head until he was knocked out. Then Jak would thank him profusely for saving him for the madman and Daxter, being the kind soul that he is, would tell Jak to 'Think nothing of it. I'm only doing my job!' Then, in gratitude, Jak would go buy Daxter a pair of nice Ottsel-sized pants… and underwear. Couldn't go without underwear.

The vision was so enticing that Daxter decided to do it, so in a heroic swashbuckler-style, Daxter jumped down with a cry. "I'll save you, Jak!"

However, several things went wrong with Daxter's plan almost immediately. Jak and Torn were about ready to start a full-blown yelling-over-each-other yelling match, and Jak was in the way between Torn and his assailant. That was the biggest problem. It would have worked… maybe… if Jak's head wasn't in the way of Torn's head.

So, instead of hitting Torn and slapping the tattooed elf silly, Daxter bumped into Jak's back, and knocked the surprised elf forward slightly… right into Torn…

…And their lips met.

Time froze as Daxter hit the ground and looked up to find Jak and Torn seemingly kissing! Torn still had his grip on Jak's tunic, and was unwittingly keeping the elf captive. He was so shocked that he hadn't thought to let go. And since they were both about to start yelling at the moment that Daxter had made this leap, both their mouths had been opened, which turned it into a French-kiss!

After about ten seconds, Torn finally let go of Jak, who immediately wheeled away, using every swear-word in the book. And then Daxter started laughing… laughing that the sheer sight of what he had seen.

Torn was now far beyond pissed. "DAMN F&&&ING RAT!!!! YOU MADE ME AND JAK GAY FOR ABOUT TEN SECONDS!!!!"

Jak was ignoring Torn's yells. He was in the corner, doubled over, like he was going to throw up. "I think I'm gonna be sick!" Jak announced in case people couldn't read his body language.

"OMG! The truth is EXPOSED!" Daxter giggled. "You two make a lovely couple!"

"DAXTER!" Jak yelled, still looking green-ish.

"Hey, I'm totally fine with it, and I'm not going to judge you two or anything…" Daxter began, grinning broadly.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, RAT!!!" Torn yelled.

"I just got one question. Like… which one of you is the man, and which one takes it…?"

"If you don't shut up RIGHT NOW…" Jak began. "I'll tell you who isn't going to be a man anymore… in any sense of the term!"

Daxter grinned slightly, catching Jak's threat against his manhood. Then he ran out the door, yelling. "JAK AND TORN ARE IN LUVVVVV!!!!"

Both elves gave chase. "I'LL KILL YOU!!!" Jak yelled.

"NO, BASTARD, LET ME KILL HIM!" Torn yelled at Jak as he chased after the rat behind Jak.

Eventually, Jak and Torn caught Daxter and threatened him with his life until he swore that he would never mention that ten-second kiss or alluding negatively to Jak or Torn's manhood. However, the damage was already done. Many Yaoi-loving fangirls had already heard Daxter yelling that Jak and Torn were in love, believed it, and immediately shipped the pairing.

From that day forward, any time Jak or Torn tried to say that they WEREN'T gay, and even if they were, they WOULDN'T be in love with each other, the fangirls just gushed about how they looked so cute when they denied their love.

And no one lived happily ever after… except the Yaoi-loving fangirls.

LES: After the JakDax pairing, I think I despise this one the most. I mean… even if Jak were gay, which he isn't, he probably wouldn't love an ass like Torn. Let's face it, I don't even half-understand why Ashelin loves him, let alone anyone else! My hierarchy of pairings is as follows: Best: Jak/Keira, Daxter/Tess! Middle: Torn/Ashelin. Tolerate: Pairings between not-as-important secondary characters, objects, ect. (Ex. Sig/Seem. Sig/PeaceMaker. Jak's JetBoard/Jak's MorphGun. Always funny.) Hate: Jak/Dax, Jak/Torn, Jak/Any Yaoi, Jak/Ashelin. And that's my final word!