Disclaimer: I own nothing Phantom of the Opera, not even this marvelous little letter. This belongs to my friend and co-author, Ivy, who can write for our lovely Phantom down to a science. I'm just putting it up because she has the strange obsession of wanting to invade my penname. Go figure.

Dear Hollywood Foreign Press:

Although I may object to my wretched life in a movie, may I mention the utter disgrace you thrust upon me with only 3 nominations?

And the complete shame in which you now are granted: The actress, Emmy Rossum, who did a marvelous reinactment of my darling Christine. She did not win the award which she so rightly deserved for best actress. May I point out that I am skilled in the ways of the Punjab, and that you should keep your hand at the level of your eyes? I'm everywhere, you know.

And then, the song completing my horrendous story, track 14 on the most brilliant, shall we say, soundtrack of Monsieur Andrew Lloyd Webber? The song entitled "Learn to Be Lonely"? "Old Habits Die Hard" simply cannot compete with the level of musical genius that this man has. Or my musical genius, as it well may and should be. I am not pleased that you should insult myself and my accomplice, Minnie Driver, in such a way.

And lastly: Should you not run this program as I see fit, I would be very cautious about backstage props, dark areas, and the numerous chandeliers hanging about the room. With all due respect, I remain...

Your Humble Servant,