Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around
Summary: Several members of the Fellowship come across a strange fanfic, and begin to read. To their horror, it is a Mary-sue Legomance. Chaos ensues…A bit of light humor and M-S satire. If for nothing else, read to imagine the looks on Leggie's face…
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. Tolkien does, and he's a bloody genius. There, I said it.
And if anyone has any ideas on how to make the Mary-Sue even more…sueish, let me know in a review.
I'm going for pedal-to-the-metal Mary Sue, so expect extreme corniness. And SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A STUPID, WAAAAY TOO PERFECT. So, if you don't like Sues, there will definitely be a lot of Sue bashing, and you've come to the right place.
The italics indicate that it is the story they are reading. When it goes back to normal type, obviously that is back to reality (hypothetically speaking) and the character's comments…Hope you enjoy, and it WILL be extremely idiotic, so don't flame me! …Please?……………………………………………………………
"I'm bored." Pippin said decidedly.
Merry rolled his eyes. "Yes, for the 2,434,564 time."
"It was YOUR idea to visit Aragorn in Gondor! YOU think of something!"
"Well, Legolas and Gimli will be here soon…"
"Really? Are they returning from their trip to Mirkwood already?"
"Legolas just wanted to visit his father, and Gimli came along because he was practically bored out of his mind…"
"I know the feeling."
"Suuuuure you do. At least we don't have to stay home all the time, taking care of kids."
"Poor Sam. But he has a pretty wife. All I have is you."
"You're too kind."
Arwen entered the kitchen where the hobbits were having this enthralling conversation. She has THEIR number…
"I knew that I would find you two here." She said with a smile.
"Mae govannen, Arwen!" Pippin piped up.
She blinked, then smiled again. "Brushing up on your Elvish?"
Merry nodded. "Sam wants a full lesson when we go back home."
Arwen laughed lightly. "I just came to inform you that Eowyn has just arrived from Rohan. Faramir's ecstatic. Oh yes, and my brothers have turned up as well."
"Excellent! I could use a good laugh," Merry grinned.
"Are Legolas and Gimli here yet?"
"Aragorn expects them any time now." Arwen replied.
Pippin sighed wistfully. "It's almost like the old Fellowship back together. Except without Frodo…and Gandalf…and Boromir…" he paused. "Yeah, so I guess it really ISN'T like the old Fellowship."
The three of them wandered into the entrance hall, where Aragorn was greeting the newcomers.
"Eowyn!" Merry rushed over to greet her. They had gotten quite close. You don't go through a bloody battle and nearly die without making SOME friends.
"Merry! So good to see you!" she laughed and hugged him.
"Now, Merry, don't go stealing my lady…" Faramir joked.
"Well, I DO have a thing for hobbits…" Eowyn said suggestively.
"The hairy feet ARE a real chick magnet." Merry said sarcastically. Meanwhile, Pippin was talking with Elladan and Elrohir.
"I missed you guys! It can get dull around here!"
Aragorn gave Pippin a LOOK, but softened at the wide-eyed gaze the hobbit gave him.
"Well, we'll be sure to liven things up around here…" Elladan said with a mischievous look.
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "That's what I'm afraid of…"
Elrohir laid a hand on his shoulder. "What happen to the good old day when we used to give Ada hell?"
Elladan sighed. "Good times, good times."
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm a KING now. I have responsibilities and like to think we've matured a bit."
Arwen shook her head. "PLEASE. Sometimes I don't think these two have hit puberty yet."
Elladan staggered and put a hurt look on his face. "You cut me deep, dear sister."
A loud voice could now be heard, getting closer.
"…But seriously. How could such a lightweight like you down all that alcohol and not even be affected?"
"I'm an Elf. We aren't affected by liquor as much as others." Came Legolas's voice, more quietly than Gimli's.
"But where's the fun in that?"
"I'd prefer not to make a fool of myself while intoxicated, as did someone I know…"
"And that's why I hate Elves." Gimli grumbled as the two entered the hall.
"Ah! Welcome, Your Highness!" 'Dan mock-bowed extremely low.
"Speaking of Elves…" Gimli muttered under his breath.
"Of course you did! You hear EVERYTHING!"
"Don't mind him. He's not had a rest since yesterday."
"Ah. Cranky." Elrohir whispered.
Aragorn cleared his throat loudly, partially due to the idiocy this conversation was heading toward, and partially due to the murderous look Gimli had on.
"Perhaps our guests should get some rest, and this evening we can all dine together." He suggested.
Legolas nodded. "Yes, Gimli has not had an orc to decapitate in several days. He may vent his frustrations elsewhere." He gave the twins a pointed look.
"Well, perhaps Master Dwarf just needs a hug." Elladan said lightly.
Arwen jabbed him in the ribs and pulled the two off to their rooms.
Gimli could be heard grumbling all the way to his room.
"Wow, I've never seen Gimli in such a bad mood before!" Merry said softly under his breath.
"He is a bit miffed." Legolas said from behind him. They jumped slightly, not having heard him approach him, even with sharp hobbity ears. "We encountered a stray group of orcs several days ago, and resumed our contest."
"You won, didn't you?" Pippin guessed.
Legolas smirked. "Of course. I could not let him best me again."
The group split to go to their rooms. Eowyn and Faramir headed off for a walk in the gardens, to "catch up" on things. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And so on and so forth.
Elladan and Elrohir wandered off to see what trouble they could cause. 'Ro was more intent on watching and laughing then actually being involved.
Arwen and Aragorn went back to being a handsome/beautiful couple that puts many other couples to shame.
The two hobbits headed to the kitchen to check on the food for dinner tonight. Being as bored as they are, you know.
Several hours later, they all met in the dining room. Gimli was looking refreshed, as was everyone else who actually needed to rest. The hobbits were huggable. The elves were just looking yummy, like always.
Aragorn remained standing as everyone seated themselves. He looked clean and neat. It was quite unsettling.
"Welcome, mellyn. It is wonderful to see you all again. I look forward to several weeks of your company. But now, let's eat!"
Five minutes later, the room was filled with conversation as the ten people 'chowed down'.
I'm sure they were very interesting conversations. But this is not the point of our story. So, moving on…
The group gathered in the large and comfy sitting room located…somewhere in the castle.
"So, what has everyone been up to?" Elladan asked, looking around at those gathered. "Gimli?"
He shrugged. "Oh, just kicking ass and taking names."
"How's Rivendell?" Legolas asked.
"Empty. Well, almost. It's depressing. So we came to bug you all!" Elrohir said brightly. Arwen grumbled something and he gave her a look that plainly said, 'Especially YOU.'
"The shire?" Aragorn asked.
"Boring." Pippin said shortly.
"When are you NOT bored!" Merry exclaimed in frustration. "Though I do see his point. It's hard to travel all around the world, see war and many strange things, and then suddenly go back to normal life in such a quiet little place."
The others nodded.
"Well, how was King Thranduil?" Arwen asked.
"Stoic. He's an Elf, remember?" Gimli chuckled as Legolas glared slightly.
"Well, what am I? A troll?" She said indignantly.
"If you are, then you're the most beautiful troll in all of Middle Earth."
Pippin looked up from his potatoes, having just heard the end of that convo.
"Did I miss something?"
"If you did, then so did I…" Merry replied.
"Be careful, Legolas. You keep glaring, and you'll get a frown line." Faramir joked.
Eowyn giggled. "It must be nice to be an Elf."
"How's Rohan, then?" Aragorn asked.
Eowyn sighed. "Brother's angsty. No idea why."
"At least your relatives don't set themselves on fire and run screaming off cliffs and whatnots…" Faramir said, slightly depressed.
"Oh, honey, it isn't your fault that your father was a nut job. My cousin Bella has schizophrenic tendencies. And there's nothing I can do about it." Eowyn said soothingly.
"Schizos can be quite interesting, Precious." Merry said suddenly. Everyone burst out laughing as he and Pippin began a Smeagol/ Gollum impersonation reminiscent of good cop/bad cop.
Elrohir was looking around at the books lining the numerous shelves. "You sure have a lot of reading material." He said suddenly.
"It would take a lifetime to read it all…" Aragorn said dryly.
'Ro stood on tiptoes and pulled a particularly strange looking book off the topmost shelf. It was slightly isolated from the others. And with good reason.
"Sweet Eru! What the bloody hell is up with this book?" he exclaimed.
The others stared slack-jawed at the monstrosity in his hands. It was completely pink and covered in lace and frills and little Lisa Frank heart stickers.
"What is this new devilry?" Faramir asked quietly, borrowing a line from his dear older brother.
"No idea, let's find out." Elrohir opened the cover and began to read the first page:
Tales of a Dream Come True
He paused and scanned the page. "Hey! Legolas is in this!"
Everyone's favorite elf was now experiencing that nasty sinking feeling.
"Ooo! Continue!" Elladan giggled. In a manly way, of course.
"I have heard of this…" Arwen whispered. "It's called fanfiction…and if I'm not mistaken, this sounds like a Mary Sue."
"A Mary what?" Gimli wondered aloud.
"You know, the all too perfect girl who 'mysteriously' is dropped into our world and is essential to the quest because of some unknown talent. Oh, and she gets with Legolas here, more often than not." Elrohir explained with an amused look.
"Excellent." Faramir grinned devilishly.
"Go on, then!" Aragorn said, a little too excited to see Legolas embarrassed. It was a rare occasion that you get to see an Elf blush. So it is best to bask in the moment.
Legolas gave him a dark look.
Elrohir cleared his throat and continued, with Elladan hovering over his shoulder and grinning from ear to ear.
It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and all was right. But nothing compared with the radiance of Starr. She was a girl unlike any other. So pretty, it hurt to look at her.
Her long, strawberry blonde hair glistened in the morning sun.
"Obviously she has problems with grease." Merry mumbled. Legolas gave Aragorn a pointed look, as if to say, 'If I'm going down, I'm taking someone with me.'
Her violet eyes sparkled like twin amethysts set in their place.
"Violet eyes?" Eowyn yelped. "Is that even possible!"
Starr tossed her hair over her shoulder, causing several nearby guys to get nosebleeds. She was just THAT pretty.
She walked gracefully down the wooded path to her house. It had been a long day of school, and she had (gasp) been assigned a lot of homework! The horror!
She let out a heart wrenching sigh. "Oh, this is terrible. My whole weekend shall be wasted! If ONLY I lived in a simpler time! My life would be so much…"
"Simpler?" offered Gimli sarcastically.
"You may be onto something, Master Dwarf," Faramir replied with mock-seriousness.
A small point of light suddenly appeared in the sky, and it fell slowly downwards. It stopped in front of Starr, and her bright eyes saw that it was a faerie.
"I have heard your wish, Starr, beautiful maiden of the west."
Eowyn made a face. "What a load of orc-feces."
The others stared at her for a second, mildly surprised. She just shrugged.
"It has been said that a maiden of your description is destined to travel to Middle Earth and assist its people in their time of need. I am here to fulfill this prophecy."
The faerie tapped Starr lightly on the head with her wand.
"Personally, I would've hit her a whole lot harder…" Pippin grumbled.
The world gave way to blackness.
Starr's eyes opened slowly to see a pair of concerned blue eyes staring down at her.
"Where…am I?" she asked softly, her voice resembling the tinkle of many little bells.
"In Rivendell, my lady. Are you hurt?"
"I do not know." She whispered, and the man helped her up.
She was slightly shaky, so the man whiskered her off her feet and began to carry her.
'Rivendell! The faerie spoke the truth!' Starr's immense brain was working over time. She glanced up at the man and saw he had pointed elf-ears. She gasped softly as she recognized his face from the shrine in her closet.
"Legolas Greenleaf!" she breathed.
He smiled down at her, radiating with an aura of power yet kindness.
Elladan let out a low whistle. "Wow, show me that aura sometime!"
Legolas buried his head in his arms. "Why me?" he moaned, voice slightly muffled.
The two remained in peaceful silence for the remainder of the walk to the Last Homely…Thingy.
"HOUSE! HOUSE! THE LAST HOMELY HOUSE!" Legolas practically screamed in frustration, feeling rather nauseous.
'Such beauty I have never seen in a mortal! And she is as light as a feather!' Legolas was enraptured. 'I think I may be falling in love!'
That was met with many catcalls.
"WOO! WORK IT, LEGOLAS!"
"When's the wedding?"
"When the ladies are light as a feather, then Legolas is stiff as a board—"
POW. Elladan got a smack upside the head.
No need to get obscene! This has a PG-13 rating, thankyouverymuch!
Anyway, this is a good a time as any to end this extremely long chappy. I hope you all enjoyed it so far.
If you didn't know, mellyn is plural of mellon, which means 'friend'.