Maia´s Musings about dying in a very human style …
'Tu ihm das nicht auch noch an.', fügte sie beinahe unhörbar hinzu.
Once again, I looked at her bleakly, with wide eyes and inside my self an emotion I wasn´t able to name.
'But … I … I didn´t … know … my decision was … otherwise.'
'So, was it?', she asked mockingly.
'It was not my self who … was dragged away …'
'No, maybe not. Nevertheless, it was you who wasn´t able in making a decision for a very long time. At least, I´m wondering that you didn´t kill him much earlier.'
'But … you said … he´d be …'
'Did I? Oh, sorry, I´m not able to remember this. It was a kind of joke, you know, a joke to find out more about your feelings toward him, what you might have said about him, your relation and such … at last.'
I thought about giving her a punch. She wasn´t everything but fair. She was … maybe I really deserved it, as revenge for all what I did to him.
'I´m dying, you know … I´m gonna fade away like the scent of roses in the wind.', she said thoughtfully. 'So this is what you call death, this is how it feels … funny, just like going to bed, putting your head on the pillow, closing your eyes and drifting off to sleep.'
She giggled. 'I think, I like it, although I´m only able to experience it once in a time.'
She was going mad, without any doubt.
'May I go on with my musings? Yes? That´s wonderful, thanks to you, so very much of them … Well, it´s quite a pity that there is no second time for doing this … But oh, it differs so much from my last few times of crossing The Gates which was much more difficult than any other thing you might be thinking of. Answering a stupid question, if only to get permission for walking through it … That´s so … so … well, just childish. However, ye elder wanted it happen that way. They made a law … undeniable and without chance to break … Remember my words, when you´re older, young lady, just keep away from the edge and you´ll be fine, never follow the one who … well, you know, whom I´m talking of.'
So this is dying, I thought, this is how everything will end one day at last. Nothing about salvation or such, just going mad and rambling around.
'Salvation?', she laughed bitterly, 'Forget those words and concepts, they won´t fit any longer, once when you might have accepted your … hmmm … transformation? No, gift sounds better, yes … a poisoned gift, given to you … which might lead you to the utmost end of each little hell you might create for yourself or that might have been created for you by someone else. There´s no heaven, you know, no heaven, no grace, only a bittersweet hell of …'
Her voice trailed away for a moment, maybe she´d to think over some things.
'But you will surely … pray? Ask God for forgiveness, won´t you?'
'How can there exist a God, when there´s no Heaven for him to stay? This human creation called god would never walk on the same line, hand in hand with those who created him and whom he might have created. There´s no god, child, as much as there´s no devil, too. They both don´t exist in reality, they only do this in your mind, as a concept you´d learned when you were a little one. In addition, forgiveness? How could this happen, when there´s no salvation? The sha´rèn are so fast with names, they think when they name a thing it´s lost its danger to them. But - they are so wrong, so very wrong, also they don´t realize their own mistakes. They put themselves over their concepts and think; now everything will work and turn out to be fine. At least they fail terribly with each new attempt, just look how poor they are after all.'
I must confess I´m a little more than just shocked. I´m … well … you know … just the typical reaction of little Christiné when she´s got something she wasn´t able to cope with.
Maia laughed aloud; even it turned out to be a bitter one.
'Death is such an odd thing, but she´s a fair mistress to each of her caller. Maybe she´s the only one who is. I know her just too well, you can believe this, and I know her very well. We´d met a bit too often, more or less …', she went on, 'Growing and fading, for so many times up to now, always the same story in each repetition. There´s no real chance for changing something and at last you will lose each ambition you might have had once a very long time before. Believe me, four hundred years later since the day you opened your eyes for the very first time there´s not so much you might not have known. In addition, there´s so less remaining of all those things you might have dreamt. Each of us had so many dreams in the beginning, but each of it faded by the passing of time. All that´s left are shattered pieces at the end of your path. You pick them up, smile faintly at their memory, want to mingle them for the last time and put them back where they are, coz you´re not able to endure your own truth, as much as your own failing. You might put yourself high above the ground, but in the end, there´s not so much difference to those you once called sha´rèn. There´s ne´er a difference, but you´re too biased to accept this.'
Once again, she laughed bitterly.
'How old are you - in reality and not what you wanted to appear?', I asked her cautiously.
'Maybe some years might miss to four centuries, maybe it was less, I can´t tell it for sure.'
'You´re joking, aren´t you?'
'Nay, not with this', she answered. 'And in the end you find out each thing you´d one believed in is nothing else than a lie, well a just too good hidden lie … nothing else than that. And so … there you´re … utterly lost and naked again …'
'Maybe this time, it´s really the ending … at last … the ending of the story that should never have been … But tell me, what will become of him … how will 'Erík´s' life go on, afterwards? What will there be when he´d reached the end? Will he have a chance to find those things you called forgiveness and salvation? I highly doubt that. He knows no law, no edge, he´s always beyond this, even when he closes his eyes. Darkness … yes, that´s a wonderful place to stay … darkness, silence and solitude … here and now …'
Again, her voice drifted away, maybe her thoughts too … But reality had crashed upon me once more. I remembered that there were some things, which are unfinished, which were still calling out to me, trying to reach me and to fold their arms around me as a remainder of the past.
'Life is a funny thing if you watch it with the eyes of a sha´rèn, if you think there will always be another tomorrow, even it will forever be denied to you.', she continued, 'and you think, you hold the world between your own two hands. Nevertheless, there´s no world to hold … and there´s no tomorrow. There´s nothing, either will there ever be such a thing. In addition, all your beliefs, all your pretty little dreams will be gone for good, as much as you´ll be. No trace of memory, no thing which will be reminding of your existence … always the old laws, always the utmost darkness within you …'
'But there´s always a little bit of happiness, maybe … and if it´s only for just one small moment of a second.', I interjected. 'Tell me, did you ever love someone out of the depth of your heart?'
'Oh little sha´rèn, you dare to ask this ?', she wanted to know. 'You´re growing, you´re getting older, and there will be many other discoveries. You´re as cold as a stone, you´re not allowed to have any little emotion. It´s forbidden. Love is … well, same story. In addition, with all those things you might own, you´ve got stripped away just this one. And you´ll find out, that each thing has its own price you must pay in the end.
'I can´t believe … this … how is it possible, when he …'
'He … differs from us … in many ways. But even he has to pay his price for all this … You … weren´t put in the concept once … You … are kind of … unexpected happening … just too … don´t know how to put this.'
'So … I shouldn´t have been here … it´s that easy, isn´t it?'
'Maybe … who knows? In the end it doesn´t matter anymore. Maybe it was good for some thing.', she said. 'But now … now … you´ve to follow the path until the bitter end of the story; however it may be. It´s nothing else than a game … maybe without any normal applied rules, just like him. Beyond any border, beyond any edge.'
She turned her hand around; maybe she did some kind of a fainting smile.
'That´s it, a game, nothing more but a game which we are foreordained to lose in the end. There´ve never been any bargain chips for us, we only supposed them to be there. And yet, even we want to sell our soul for a concept to believe to be true, we know at the bottom of it, that there´s an opposite, something we´d never be able to comprehend, but also not able to grasp with our hands. We´re just a bit too small, not only in our heart, we won´t own the world, but what is this world about?'
She did a move I supposed to be a nodding.
'I´d seen too much of this so-called world … four centuries wandering around, but what was left for good? Nothing in the least, nothing that would last until eternities end. Even death has an end, somewhere and even somehow, in a manner we´d never describe.', she went on. 'Oh yes … describing … do you know what this word wants to tell us? We look at something, and we want … maybe want to know how it feels, its touch, its soul, but tell me … how would you describe … hmmm … Love? … Emotion?'
'As it is, something that happens inside us.'
'Oh, so it does just the easy way around, hm? Are you sure about it? Do you think, that´s it all about it? Maybe from your point of view, the view of a sha´rèn it´s quite natural, I don´t deny this, not at last. Nevertheless, from my point of view it differs a bit. And his? He´d a hard time until he´d found out what it was that did … this … change to him.'
'What are you trying to tell me?'