Blood and Fire
By: Elizabeth Dunn
Disclaimer: these characters do not belong to me. I am using them for fun, not profit. If you sue me, all you'll get are my medical bills and college loans.
Rating: R
Pairing: 2+1
Author's Notes: An example of what happens when you combine a developing obsession with the Indigo Girls and spare time :-p Since I have to kill a long, lonely night before I can leave this school for Thanksgiving break, I decided to write :) The song 'Blood and Fire' belongs to the Indigo Girls, not to me. Warnings for angst, mild self-mutilation, and, just to be on the safe side, potential OOC.
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be ignored and used to heat my dorm room and my friend's apartment.

**-denotes song lyrics


**I have spent nights with matches and knives
Leaning over ledges only two flights up
Cutting my heart, burning my soul
Nothing left to hold
Nothing left but blood and fire**

I'm not sure when it happened, when the feeling of friendship became a consuming flame of passion. But I can't deny that it happened. Denying my feelings...I used to be able to do that, but not anymore. How can a glare of ice have done so much to me? Easy-cold quenches heat. The fires that used to burn within me, keeping me safe from the world-for that's what all my smiles were for-were extinguished by those cobalt eyes. Now it is a new flame that inhabits my soul. A more painful flame.

I stand and stare through the window, basking in the glow of the moon. It always used to comfort me, but now...all I can remember is how he looked in the moonlight. How he looked in the throes of passion, how he looked afterward, sated and sleepy...and how he looked when he walked out the door, leaving me to be consumed by my own flames with no chance of escape.

**You have spent nights thinking of me
Missing my arms but you needed to leave
Leaving my cuts, leaving my burns
Hoping I'd learn**

The mission. It's always the mission for you. As long as you thought I was just in it-our relationship-for the release of tension, it was fine. But emotions....

Dammit, Heero, I *love* you! But that's why you didn't want to hear. God forbid that *feeling* be involved in any of this. God forbid that I take my comfort in knowing that I love you, that I do have something to live for. You're determined to take that away from me too, aren't you? I can still hear your voice as it tells me 'Love has no place in war. Love is a weakness that neither of us can afford.'

You want to know the sad thing, Heero? I'm not sure you completely believe that. I think that's why you ran-maybe in part to hurt me, to drive me away, but also to punish yourself.

**But blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold
And my nights of desire they're calling me
Back to your fold
And I am calling you, calling you
From 10,000 miles away
Won't you whet my fire with your love

I haven't slept since you left, you know. I'm too scared. The images I see behind my closed eyelids are too much for me to take. I know you went back to space, and all I can do is fear for you, fear that you'll be taken from me out the in that unforgiving darkness. Every time I turn on the news reports, every time I check for a mission, I fear that I'll hear about the destruction of Gundam 01-of *you*.

I look down at my right hand, which is gripping a knife, at my left arm which is covered in fresh and half-healed cuts, overlaid on the scars of the old. It's amazing-I turn to the blade every time the pain is bad...I've done it so many times before...but, I hadn't done it through this whole war until now. At first I thought it was because my battle injuries brought me a sufficient amount of pain-that I didn't this crutch, then. But I know that's not true, now. I still fight, I still get hurt...but with you gone, hating me now for all I know, I can't handle the emotional hurt. As long as you were there, I felt content...filled...all because of my love for you. But the second you left, the pain came rushing back.

**I am looking for someone who
Can take as much as I give
And give back as much as I need
You know and they still have the will to live**

I knew-the second I looked into your eyes I *knew*--that you would be able to survive my love. If self-destruct couldn't hurt you, then surely I couldn't. And...I was right. I didn't hurt you-at least, not that you show. It was me who got destroyed.

Suddenly, I can't stand the dark any longer-it's taunting me, a reflection of what I am inside. I switch on the light-and immediately wish I hadn't. I try to turn away, but like a moth to a flame, I am drawn forward.

**Ah no
Cause I am intense, I am in need
I am in pain, I am in love
And I feel forsaken you know
Like the things I gave away**

My reflection reels me in, and I find myself staring myself in the eye. I don't recognize the face in the mirror anymore. Can that be me, that laughing, smiling joker? Can my mask have failed that completely?

Heero, can't you see what has happened to me? Of course not, you're in space, where you can't see the mouth that doesn't smile anymore, not even in its mask. You can't see my eyes, which in one of your more poetic moments said sparkled like the finest amethysts. No longer-they still have that violet color, but the spark is gone. There are shadows under my eyes that attest to little to no sleep, and matching shadows along my cheekbones that speak of a waning appetite. I'm almost glad I haven't had to be around the others-I know Quatre would have a heart attack to see me now-hell, even Trowa and Wufei might be mildly concerned. About the only thing that still looks the same is my hair-but I care for that mainly because I have to, because I can't let it go without it being a nuisance...but I can't cut it off either. It means too much.

**And blood and fire
Are too much for theses restless arms to hold
And my nights of desire they're calling me
Back to your fold
And I am calling you, calling you
From 10,000 miles away
Won't you whet my fire with your love
Babe, babe, babe**

It's gotten to the point where I don't care-not about myself. I fight because I have to, because I don't want anyone else to grow up in war, to risk being an orphan, but it means nothing to me personally. Even though I have to suppress the urge to grab Deathscythe and get to space somehow. I want to be there for you, to protect you-even though you made it abundantly clear that you don't want myself and my love around where we could distract you. I have to wonder if I'm distracting you, anyway, if you miss my presence. I can hope. Hope is all I have right now.

I look down and notice that I'm clutching the blade of the knife tight in my hand. I can feel the blood flowing from feels good in a way, like it's draining out the worst of the pain. The thing is-I know from previous experience-that once I let go, the hurt will come back. But if I don't let go, I can do more damage than I want to. It feels like no matter where I turn, I lose.

A beeping grabs my attention. I walk to the laptop I had acquired when I decided to spend some time on my own-hey, I have to keep up with missions somehow-and access the incoming message. My jaw drops-I can feel it.

He's back on Earth. Heero's...back. And they need all of us to provide backup for him. Before I've consciously assimilated the message, I'm out the door. Heero's back-maybe once this mission is over, I can sit him down and make him listen to me and my point of view. I heard his view on our relationship-because like it or not, we *did* have one-and now he has to listen to my own. Only just, as Wufei would say.

**I am intense, I am in need
I am in pain, I am in love
You know I am intense, I am in need,
I am in pain, I ma in love
And blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold
And my nights of desire they're calling me
Back to your fold
And I am calling you, calling you
From 10,000 miles away**

I can accept it if he feels he can't love me just yet-I know better than to expect miracles. But...if he can accept my love for him, half the battle is won. And, deep down on some core level, I do believe he does have feelings for me. Feelings that are conflicting with his 'Perfect Solider' fa├žade.

I am burning as I prepare to leave, but I welcome the flames this time, not trying to extinguish them with my blood. I have a battle to wage-one infinitely more important than any war. A battle for a boy's heart and soul. A battle I believe I can win.

I have to believe that. And I walk out the door, prepared to meet the cause and cure for my fire head on.

**Won't you whet my fire with your love
Won't you whet my fire with your love
Babe now
Whet my fire with your love**


The End