Disclaimer: I do not own G.I. Joe. I make no money and this is just in good fun. I was inspired by a similar fic in another genre to write this little ficlet, so here I go!
I feel the need to add a little note that this a parody style. I thought that was blatently obvious, but apparently not LOL
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"So barmaid bring a pitcher, another round of brew, oh why don't we get drunk and screw." Jimmy Buffet – "Why Don't We Get Drunk"
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"Alright boys and girls, Uncle Shipwreck has brought in the goodies!" All eyes in the rec room turned to the rowdy sailor who was carrying a crate, setting it down with a clatter on the table, eyes sparkling with mischief. "The fine people at the O'Hanlon distillery were so thankful that we saved their distillery from a fiery death at the hands of Cobra, they sent us a thank-you gift!"
"Shipwreck," Beach Head said in a warning tone. "You know we can't accept things like that."
Shipwreck waved a hand dismissively, "It has already been sent here. It would be rude to send it back. We'll just dispose of it quickly," he said with a smirk. "Gather round kiddies, we're going to play a game."
"A game?" Courtney grinned, pulling up a chair, "Do tell."
Shipwreck pulled out a bottle of whiskey and pulled out some shot glasses he had procured somewhere. "This game is called 'I Never'. It's very easy. When it is someone's turn, they say something they've never done. Anyone who has done it, has to take a shot." He grinned evilly. "Who's not too chicken?"
Cover Girl, Scarlett, Clutch, Flint and surprisingly Lifeline were all eager to play, managing to convince the rest of the room to participate grudgingly. Flint, Lady Jaye, Duke, Roadblock, and Mainframe all were drug along for the ride. Snake Eyes motioned he couldn't play, his mask would prevent him from drinking.
"Oh no, you don't get out of it that easy," Scarlett said with an evil grin. "We have straws!" She could tell he was rolling his eyes under his mask but she just winked and beckoned him closer. "Ok, who starts?" she said, once she was sure Snake Eyes wasn't going to slip away.
"Shipwreck," barked Beach Head, not entirely thrilled with being dragged into this 'game'.
"Chickenshit." He grinned at the scowling Beach Head and then said, "Alright, we'll start off easy. I've never been in a fashion magazine."
Cover Girl shot him a glare of death as she did her shot, "This was just an excuse to get me drunk, wasn't it?"
More amusingly though, Duke did a shot. Everyone stared at him and waited for the explanation, "It was in college," he muttered, "My coach thought it would help my Heismann chances." Everyone exploded into laughter.
"Ok Courtney, you next!" Shipwreck declared gleefully.
She smirked, "I've never had sex with a woman." She and Scarlett laughed, watching as the men grabbed their glasses.
"Wait! Mainframe!" Scarlett exclaimed, noting that he didn't drink.
At the same moment, Flint yelled "Allie!" as he noted that she did.
Mainframe and Jaye both blushed deeply. "I'm saving myself for marriage," Mainframe muttered.
"It was college and don't ask don't tell," she giggled, kissing her very shocked boyfriend.
Mainframe took his turn next, smirking at Shipwreck, "I've never watched gay porn."
"I told you! They gave me the wrong one! That was supposed to stay between us!" Shipwreck sputtered as he drank.
"Yeah, but you didn't have to keep watching it." Mainframe joined in the gales of laughter.
"My turn!" Courtney shouted, grinning. "I've never had a one night stand."
Duke, Flint, Snake Eyes, Shipwreck, Clutch and Lifeline all drank.
"Lifeline! You little slut!" Scarlett laughed.
Flint looked at Jaye with concern when she didn't drink, "So…that wasn't a one time thing?!!?"
Jaye snickered, "Everyone experiments in college theater, dear,"
Lifeline blushed, "Well…Bree and I, we just weren't made to last." That brought another round of laughter. "I've never broken fraternization regs." He smirked, getting the girls back, knowing they all had.
Sure enough, Jaye, Scarlett and Cover Girl all drank; but so did Snake Eyes, Beach Head, Duke, Flint, Shipwreck, Clutch and Roadblock. "And you call me a slut?" he sniffed indignantly.
Roadblock took a turn next, "I've never fantasized about a Cobra agent." He chuckled, nodding with a knowing grin as Clutch drank. Of course, so did Jaye, Cover Girl, Shipwreck, Flint, Duke, Beach Head, Mainframe and Snake Eyes.
Scarlett tsked her tongue, looking at Duke with a smirk. He held up his hands in surrender, "It's the leather catsuit she wears. I mean, my God!" Most of the men nodded in agreement.
Flint now was starting to feel a bit perturbed, "At least tell me we weren't both fantasizing about the Baroness!"
Jaye took that as her opportunity, "I've never fantasized about a female Cobra operative." Flint looked incredibly relieved as he drank but Jaye's glass remained where it was. The only shocking response, or lack of response was from Snake Eyes who didn't touch his drink.
Everyone stared at him and he signed slowly, 'Don't ask, don't tell, remember?' He laughed silently under his mask and casually flipped them all off. 'I've never been married.'
Shipwreck, Clutch and Cover Girl all drank. "You are shitting me!" Beach Head exclaimed, shocking everyone more than those who drank to that question.
"I was young, he was famous, it only lasted a couple of months," she explained apologetically. "We had it annulled."
"Wait! I think I remember hearing about that, but thought it was just a rumor!" Scarlett searched her memory for the name, "Wasn't it to," her eyes widened, "One of the COREYS???" Scarlett's voice raised to a squeal.
Cover Girl blushed and looked down, "Yeah. But seriously, we were planning the annulment almost immediately after the wedding. It was a Vegas thing and we tried to keep it quiet. We were both pretty drunk."
The men looked blankly between the women, who all seemed to know who 'the Coreys' were. "Corey Haim. Often starred with Corey Feldman," Jaye explained patiently. "Lost Boys ring a bell?"
The men muttered their replies and Duke quickly took the moment to spare Cover Girl the further embarrassment and said, "Alright, I've never smoked pot." Roadblock, Scarlett, Jaye, Cover Girl, Flint, Shipwreck and Mainframe all drank. Duke tried to give them a reproachful look but laughed, "Stoners, all of you, why does that not surprise me."
"Can we really get off the drugs and sex questions?" Shipwreck slurred, "That's not very fair to me!"
"Maybe we're just trying to get you drunk and take advantage of you," Scarlett purred, caressing his cheek, bringing a flush to his face and gales of laughter from the audience.
Shipwreck looked her in the eyes, his tone disappointed, "I've regrettably never had sex with anyone in this room, though I am open to changing that tonight girls." He smirked as he looked at each of the three girls in turn. Flint, Duke and Beach Head all glared protectively at him as they drank.
Of course again, the three women drank, as did Snake Eyes, Lifeline and Clutch. The three leaders of the team glared ruthlessly at the other three men who drank, while the girls tried to look innocent, rather unsuccessfully.
Flint cried in exasperation, "My God, is there anyone you haven't had sex with?" He got up and stormed out as Cover Girl burst into giggles.
"You better follow him Jaye," she snickered, "He thinks some of those are yours."
She rolled her eyes but got up and followed her boyfriend out of the room. Duke looked sternly between Cover Girl and Scarlett, trying to decide who was responsible for whom.
"Oh chill out Duke, they were all mine," Cover Girl laughed. Just to bother him though, "I've never asked someone to pretend they were one of the women from the team while I had sex with them." She crossed her arms smugly as all the men except Mainframe, Duke and Beach Head drank.
Duke tried to get that thought out of his head and how Cover Girl knew that, especially with her passing resemblance to his girlfriend. He decided to get her back for bringing that up, "I've never had sex on the obstacle course."
Snorting laughter as Beach Head and Cover Girl drank, both blushing. Mainframe pounded the table in annoyance, "Do you people only think about sex?"
"YES!" came the resounding reply.
He rolled his eyes. "Let's get some creativity here people. I've never slept with a teddy bear since childhood." Amusingly, Scarlett and Beach Head were the only ones who drank.
"Sgt. Snuffles was an assignment!" Beach Head said defensively.
"Whatever it takes to get you through the night sweetie," Cover Girl said, leaning on him with a grin, mouthing to the rest of them, "He even takes it on hikes with him!"
"This is too rich!" Clutch guffawed. "Sgt. Snuffles!"
Cover Girl quickly looked at Clutch warningly, shooting out quickly, "I've never cried because I lost my favorite wrench. For two hours."
"Now now! Baby was more than my favorite wrench, she was my lucky wrench!" Clutch cried defensively as he did his shot and everyone snickered at him. "And it was really dusty and my allergies were acting up!" He started sniffling again and stood up, fleeing the room.
Lifeline grinned at looked at Mainframe pointedly as he seemed very amused at the recent admissions, "I've never cried at Bo and Hope's wedding."
Mainframe's gaze held daggers as he and Scarlett drank. "You are a Days fan?" she laughed, her sides beginning to hurt. "Oh my, we'll have to talk later!"
"Shove it Red." Mainframe got a devilish look in his eyes, looking at Lifeline, "I've never had sex in the infirmary."
Lifeline rolled his eyes, "Not fair." He, Scarlett and Duke all drank.
"Dude, that is so like, not sanitary," Clutch said with a grin.
Lifeline gave him a withering look. "We do change the sheets in there occasionally."
Roadblock smirked, breaking in, "I've never heard or witnessed Jaye and Flint goin' at it." Everyone reached for their glasses, only to realize that they were empty.
"Awwww. The whiskey is gone!" Shipwreck lamented.
Duke picked up Scarlett, who was getting close to passing out. "That's good, because although I've never seen Scarlett this drunk, I want to enjoy it while I can!" Scarlett grinned and huggedDuke tighter as good-natured cat-calls followed them as he carried her back to quarters.