QUEST FOR HOGWARTS
Also called, 'The Day Snugglemuffin was Stolen.'
Also called, 'A very long, useless tale that involves Snack, Hermione/Draco, incredibly useless sexual themes, a pervert!Dumbledore, and a Wand Used Inappropriately.'
AUTHORS' NOTE: Written by Crazy Mishka and Lady Serpentine due to large amount of chocolate and too much studying, combined with massive doses of Quest for Camelot (oooh, Gary Oldman!). We do not claim to own the characters, or Camelot, or anything you recognize. We do own the idiotic shit that comes up every five words or so, though.
WARNINGS: Crude humour, Monty Python references, incredibly idiotic discussions, slash, het, disturbing content, and all other heathen things, most of which – including the slang - came out of Lady Serpentine; CrazyMishka was only there to put in an obscene load of 'ahem''s and '…''s.
Well… she did other stuff, too. But it sucked.
Now, I'm going to fail Math. Aksfkjdhgjdf.
AND SO IT BEGINS.
Once upon a time, on a seashore, back when Hogwarts was known as Camelot (which was only a model), there was a great deal of father-son bonding.
DRACO: I love you dad.
DRACO: I love you father.
LUCIUS: You know Draco, a long time ago the land wasn't peaceful at all, which would account for the fact I'm going to die in a few days in a plot-inducing battle.
DRACO: Tell me the story of Lord Voldemort again, father.
LUCIUS: But I just told it to you five minutes ago.
DRACO: I want to hear it again.
LUCIUS: Once the land was war-torn, brother against brother, Slytherin against Slytherin, Britney against Christina. Of course, Lord Voldemort was just a harmless little Tom Riddle back then… but that's not the point. The point is, that….
DRACO: Yes, father?
Lucius clears his throat. He looks lost.
LUCIUS: What was the point again, Narcissa?
Narcissa's in this scene, just so you know. Artistic license.
NARCISSA: You put such foolish ideas in that boy's head, Lucius.
LUCIUS: Good point. I'm off to Hogwarts, I mean, Camelot. Right. Camelot!
DRACO: Farewell, father!
NARCISSA: Remember to bring me back jewelry.
There now follows a very time-consuming song which is sung by all the death eaters who follow Lord Voldemort. They ride in on their very attractive horses, and hug like lovers. We mean. Brothers.
Voldemort is in the room of the round table. Dumbledore is there because he's allowed to be as the Merlin stand-in. Merlin's better, but ah well.
VOLDEMORT: La, la, la, song and dance, come! We're all so cool and I've got a nifty sword-wand! God, I hate musicals.
DUMBLEDORE: Notice how the round table has one flat side?
VOLDEMORT: Nobody cares.
There is some more singing and brotherly contact, and Voldemort starts talking about land division and equality, because nobody gets voted into Parliament if you harp on about evil.
Suddenly, Cornelius sneaks into the lineup of singing Death Eaters, embarrassed because he cannot sing. The Death Eaters start waving around mirrors in order to dazzle each other and shout out virtues.
Not the idiotic kind.
MACNAIR: Ice cream!
STAN: Hot chicks!
RODOLPHUS: … What the bloody hell are YOU doing here?
STAN: … Sorry.
He runs away.
VOLDEMORT: That was odd.
CORNELIUS: Enough chatter! Let's all talk about this equality bull shit. I want land. My own land! All I have is a marsh. I built a castle on it! Then it fell over. So, I built another castle! That one fell over too. So I built a third one and the THIRD ONE STAYED UP!
CORNELIUS: No, crashing!
Lukewarm laughter for the pun. Moving on.
RODOLPHUS: You should not be so selfish, you know. I mean, you have a marsh. What do I have?
BELLATRIX: You have me.
VOLDEMORT: Cornelius, you aren't a proper death eater! You can't even colour code your wardrobe properly, for Merlin's sake. Get out of here.
CORNELIUS: How dare you! How dare you insult my colourful personality! I think we need a new King, and I vote ME!
LUCIUS: I will not serve a false King!
A pause. Voldemort looks shifty.
LUCIUS: … I will not serve a false king I don't like!
CORNELIUS: Then you will serve a dead one!
The Grim Reaper perks up in the background.
VOLDEMORT: I hate it when he hangs around.
There is a fight. A very violent, one-sided fight with no blood. Cornelius flees in his tacky trousers, but Lucius lies dead in a very feminine pose.
RABASTAN: But that wanker owed me five dollars.
LUCIUS: I'm not dead yet!
VOLDEMORT: Be quiet.
LUCIUS: I'm feeling better!
Lucius dies. The bring-out-yer-dead cart takes him back to Narcissa and Draco in their beautiful seaside cottage just in time for Christmas.
DRACO: Oh my God! Father!
NARCISSA: He had it coming. Sigh.
Draco grows to be a very attractive young man. A very girly young man, but a man nonetheless. A manly man with silky blonde hair he got from his father.
DRACO: I'm gonna go places with my father's hair! Whoo!
NARCISSA: Go check on the pigs. And the flesh-eating llamas.
DRACO: But mother, they try to eat my hands!
NARCISSA: They're just playing, dear. Then you need to try on some new dress robes.
DRACO: Dress robes, you say? Oh boy!
Meanwhile, in Hogwarts, we mean, Camelot, Voldemort is making a speech to his death eaters by their supposedly round table. (Which meant killing one big ass tree, let me tell you. This is the beginning of mass pollution and earth ravaging.)
VOLDEMORT: Sorry. Anyway! We have done such cool shit lately, I can't believe how awesome we are. We are disgustingly nice. We're so honourable and trustworthy, nothing can stand in our way!
Suddenly, a huge ass hippogriff crashes through the ceiling and lands on the table, glaring at Voldemort. And everyone else. At the same time. Ha ha ha, moving on.
VOLDEMORT: I shall go for my wand! Aha!
BUCKBEAK: Eff you.
Buckbeak snaps up the wand and flies through the roof in victory.
VOLDEMORT: MY ARM! MY AAAARM! I'M MEEEEEEELTIIIIIING!
ANTONIN: See, that's what happens when you're confident.
VOLDEMORT: Ah, screw it! RING THE SPECIAL BELLS THAT SIGNAL MY WAND HAS BEEN TAKEN!
PETER: That sounds dirty.
VOLDEMORT: Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?
Back at the Malfoys' land…
DRACO: Mother! These robes are GOREGOUS!
NARCISSA: They were mine.
DRACO: Mother! I hear the Lost Wand Bells! I must go after it! Them! Whatever!
NARCISSA: Sounds like a good plan. Except it isn't. So no.
DRACO: Aaawr, muuuuuum!
They are interrupted by Cornelius and his band of merry men/ministry members. Cornelius starts to flirt outrageously with a perturbed Narcissa.
CORNELIUS: You're very lovely, you know.
NARCISSA: No shit.
CORNELIUS: We should have sex!
NARCISSA: No thanks. I prefer women.
CORNELIUS: But you married Lucius.
CORNELIUS: Fie! Oh well. You are going to help me take over Voldemort's castle, because I'm cool like that!
CORNELIUS: If you don't I'll kill your daughter!
MINISTRY MEMBER: Why is he wearing a dress, then?
DRACO: They're dress robes.
CORNELIUS: Well, they're still awful.
DRACO: How dare you! Periwinkle goes with my eyes. At least my trousers aren't tacky!
CORNELIUS: Argh! Whatever. Quick, time for a dark ritual in the front lawn with the scattered lawn chairs in order to combine my Ministry Members with their wands!
NARCISSA: … But wouldn't that turn them to branches?
CORNELIUS: … Not wands, but weapons, then!
There is more song and dance with black, bloody magic. Cornelius is in his element. Narcissa can't take her eyes off his tacky trousers.
NARCISSA: Oh God, it burns! Draco, quick, you must escape. Warn Voldemort! Those tacky pants won't take long to run some people with an actual sense of style into madness... Not that we're sane anyway.
In a very convenient opening when the two burly Ministry men are not looking and apparently not listening, Draco manages to escape through a very convenient hole in the bloody wall.
DRACO: I'll be back Mother! Keep safe… and I really don't want any little siblings running around if you happen to be molested and ravaged by these disturbingly still ugly men. Keep your knickers on.
NARCISSA: I'll try… you know how partial I am to shiny things. The tacky pants might keep me away from Cornelius, though… actually…
She takes another glance at the horrendous abomination… pants, we mean. Then she speaks up with sudden conviction.
NARCISSA: They will.
Draco takes this time to run along the wall that had the rather convenient hole under a rather convenient bridge that was previously not mentioned but there for Plot's sake. Of course this is to hide from one Cornelius and a rather odd looking hippogriff who - if they were really capable of a massive seize of power – should have spotted him with his precious blonde hair.
CORNELIUS: Ah, the power! I am so powerful that the power of my powerfulness is exceeding beyond all powerful comprehension! Ahahahahahahaha COUGH HACK.
CORNELIUS: Thank you. Anyhoo, come! Let us meld together with wands, because the only weapon we have found was a scythe, and we stuck that on Neville.
He will now serve as The Rooster with the Axe. Serpentine doesn't want him in there, but Mishka does, because she's a bitch.
And she's helping Serpentine pass math.
NARCISSA: Woe! Woe!
Back at Camelot!
VOLDEMORT: I have to go save my wand!
DUMBLEDORE: You cannot, you are too wounded!
VOLDEMORT: It's only a flesh wound!
DUMBLEDORE: Sit down. Lemon drop?
VOLDEMORT: I don't want a lemon drop, I want to save my wand!
DUMBLEDORE: It's fine, I've got an extra wand in my pocket.
VOLDEMORT: You dirty, dirty man.
DUMBLEDORE: And Viagra.
Voldemort tries to run away, but Dumbledore locks the door.
MEANWHILE, Draco is off adventuring.
DRACO: La, la, la! Oh My God They're Chasing Me!
He screams shrilly and runs. But not before pausing to look at the Ministry Members strange mounts.
DRACO: Are those Thestrals?
MISHKA: You can't see them unless you've experienced death before!
SERPENTINE: Shut up.
MISHKA: I hate you.
Draco rushes into the darkness of the Forbidden Forest.
Meanwhile the Ministry Men are having a rather tough go of it... Damn thestrals. A scythe nosed Neville stutters out a warning as well… coward.
NEVILLE: You're not planning on going in there are you!?
MISHKA: I was interrupted not by Serpentine correcting my mechanics but by a rather random mention of Trent Reznor and Cheese cloth… obviously her existence is flawed. Hhm
SERPENTINE: He gets me closer to God.
MISHKA: You're Pagan…
SERPENTINE: SHUT UP!
MISHKA: MAKE ME!
SERPENTINE: Oh, you know I can…
MISHKA: Uhh yeah… back to more important things. And we might want to consider attempting to make this cleaner in content.
SERPENTINE: But then nobody will read it!
SERPENTINE: HAH! Back to the story.
NEVILLE: That's the forbidden forest!
RANDOM MINISTRY MAN # 1: Oh really? I always thought it was the foreboding forest.
We pause as even Neville looks at this random ministry man weirdly. Okay; pause done now.
RANDOM MINISTRY MAN #2: After the boy!
We proceed to follow our… heroine and his flashing blonde hair through the forbidden forest without a scratch. And Draco seems to have fallen into a rather questionable looking pond thing. Is that a net?
Why, yes, yes it is!
UNKNOWN: Hey! That's my net!
DRACO: I've been caught! Ahahaha… I like stating the obvious.
UNKNOWN: Oh. My. God.
The Ministry members rush into the scene. This new unknown character, a very large-breasted young woman with frizzy hair, beats the bejeezus out of them with a very beautiful looking Pimp Staff with a snake as a headpiece. This is a Plot Device, so oooh, watch out.
DRACO: Holy crap, that was awesome! Wanna go out with me?
UNKNOWN: Not particularly. I'm a hermit, see. Which means I'm also a feminist.
DRACO: That doesn't make sense.
DRACO: I'm Draco. What's your name?
UNKNOWN: Larry King.
UNKNOWN: No. I'm Hermione. Now go away.
DRACO: But Lord Voldemort lost his wand!
Ha ha. OMG, that will never stop sounding dirty.
HERMIONE: He lost his wand, you say? Hold on. I must consult with this bird.
Hermione begins to consult Fawkes, a very brilliantly coloured phoenix. Serpentine could make amusing connections between Fawkes and Dumbledore being a flaming homosexual, but she won't. Except she sort of just did. Heh.
MISHKA: I'm going to kick your ass when this is over.
HERMIONE: Fawkes says the wand is here, in the forest… it's settled, then! I shall save Voldemort's wand, aptly named… SNUGGLEMUFFIN.
He had to pull it out of a cake, see. The sort of cake where naked!Lucius would pop out of for bachelor parties.
Narcissa ad libs.
NARCISSA: I knew it.
DRACO: Great, I'll come with!
HERMIONE: Hell no.
DRACO: Aaaaw, come on!
HERMIONE: No! I stand alone. I'm blind, see…
HERMIONE: I'm not done yet. I'm blind, so I take care of myself. Ha!
DRACO: … That doesn't make sense.
HERMIONE: I'm a hypocrite, okay? Shut up.
DRACO: Can I come?
HERMIONE: FINE. Men.
Time passes. Like, five seconds.
DRACO: Hellooooo? ANYONE there? Are you ignoring me…?
Hermione is conversing with an amused Fawkes who is shooting sparks out of his fluttering wing feathers… all for show, all for show. Hermione manages not to trip over any roots while Fawkes is talking to her instead of guiding her and her staff seems to have mysteriously disappeared…oh, there it is.
HERMIONE: It's he-…
She stops mid-word and suddenly gains a weird expression on her face.
HERMIONE: I've lost my mojo!
HERMIONE: My mojo…! You know…
HERMIONE: What, can't I name my staff?
Everyone should have the right to name their staff. AHAHAHAHA.
DRACO: Oooh. I get it.
HERMIONE: Oh! Here it is!
HERMIONE: Sssssh, be still! We're in Fairy Country.
That's slang, by the way. Use your imagination.
DRACO: What? How can you tell?
HERMIONE: It smells like expensive cologne… and sex that never involved a woman…
DRACO: Oh… riiiight.
HERMIONE: Watch out!
They run from no threat whatsoever, trip, and fall into a laundry chute filled with lavender sheets. They start to freak out, since they spot an apparently gay couple.
DRACO: Ah! Fairy Folk!
One of the men, Severus, spots Draco.
SEVERUS: Ah! A tosser!
SIRIUS: Does he look gay? I don't think he's gay. Just effeminate.
HERMIONE: Wait… are you guys gay?
SIRIUS: So he says.
SEVERUS: Fuck you!
SIRIUS: Aha! PROOF!
DRACO: Don't I know you?
Severus looks mildly nervous.
DRACO: I could have sworn I'd seen you with my father before…
SIRIUS: A ha ha ha!
SEVERUS: Shut UP.
HERMIONE: Wait… so you guys aren't gay? And together?
SIRIUS: No. My friend James cast a spell on us and we can't move more than a foot apart without being forced into a compromising situation. Rather inventive bloke, James… which is why I'll have to kill him.
HERMIONE: So you guys don't like each other?
DRACO: Technically, you don't need to like each other to shag. Look at my parents!
SEVERUS: No, we don't like each other. In fact, I despise Sirius with a passion that is only exceeded by my closet pervetedness.
HERMIONE: … Well, we're off to save Voldemort's wand -
SIRIUS: - that sounds dirty.
SEVERUS: They know that, Sirius.
SIRIUS: How about you shut the fuck up, Severus?
SEVERUS: … Okay.
HERMIONE: Chuh. Whipped.
They are suddenly ambushed by gay men/fairy folk. With a terrified cry, they flee, falling down several Laundry Chutes of Doom into an underground passage, where Severus and Sirius are supposed to perform their song and dance.
SEVERUS SIRIUS: Fuck you.
Okay. Moving on, then.
DRACO: Wait… do you hear that?
HERMIONE: I hear… tacky trousers!
Woe! Cornelius has caught up with them. They all shriek and run off, escaping from danger yet again by hiding behind Severus.
SEVERUS: Fuck you.
SIRIUS: Fuck, I'm cold. Let's make a fire.
SIRIUS: Not like that.
SEVERUS: Er. Right.
HERMIONE: … Anyway.
DRACO: I need to find Snugglemuffin! If my father, Sir Lucius Malfoy, was here, he'd have found it by now!
HERMIONE: Sir Lucius was your father?
SEVERUS: He was hot.
DRACO: Er, thanks. People say I look and am just like him.
SIRIUS: In all respects?
Severus and Sirius begin to laugh madly. Draco ignores them.
DRACO: So… you knew my father?
HERMIONE: Yes. You see… when I was younger, I lived at Camelot. The death eaters were fighting over a pair of silk robes, and somehow started a fire.
DRACO: … What?
HERMIONE: So anyway, I suddenly got hit in the face, and the next thing I know, I'm blind.
DRACO: … Right.
HERMIONE: Yeah. Your father was the only man that would touch me…
HERMIONE: He was teaching me how to use a Pimp Staff, you perverts.
DRACO: Ooooh. So THAT'S why the staff looks familiar…
This is never going to end.
HERMIONE: So anyway… he gave me his Pimp Staff…
HERMIONE: And he taught me to believe in myself, because he said he'd never seen boobs as big as mine and I should be proud of what I've got!
DRACO: Hey… he was right!
Severus and Sirius share a look. Then, realizing that they are experiencing an understanding, begin to throw rocks at each other. Rather difficult with their forced togetherness, but they manage.
SEVERUS: Don't make me bite you.
SIRIUS: That's kinky.
HERMIONE: Anyway, next thing I know, I ran off to the Forbidden Forest, accompanied by Fawkes. It was great… what are you looking at?
Ignoring the fact she can't see.
Draco tears his eyes from her cleavage and looks at the ground. He's startled at what he finds.
DRACO: Tracks! Really, really big tracks.
Sirius elbows Severus suggestively, and gets a bitch slap for his attempt at humour.
HERMIONE: Hey, you guys… my Hermit Senses are tingling. We're not alone.
Damn those trees which provide adequate cover for villains!
CORNELIUS CO: BAHAHAHAHA! I killee you.
HERMIONE: I've been wounded!
Draco and Hermione rush off, following the giant tracks. Severus and Sirius follow along, trying not to look homosexual.
Which is really difficult for them.
HERMIONE: I'll be okay… I'll be healed by the power of love.
DRACO: Oh. Okay.
They snog passionately. Which makes Severus and Sirius rather uncomfortable.
SIRIUS: Maybe we should -
SIRIUS: It'd be in the spirit of things…
Sirius gives Severus puppy eyes.
HERMIONE: I thought you guys hated each other.
SEVERUS: It's angry snogging.
SIRIUS: Yeah. I just bit his lip. Sexual tension and all that. You should see us shagging.
SEVERUS: He uses his nails.
DRACO: … I thought you guys have never -
SIRIUS: We plan ahead.
HERMIONE: Okay, that's enough love for now. Yes? Alright. Okay. I've been healed. Besides, the sweetness of love gives me cavities, and my parents were dentists. Before they died in the fire.
DRACO: What fire?
HERMIONE: THE ONE THAT EVERY HEROINE'S PARENTS DIE IN.
DRACO: Ohhhh. Right.
HERMIONE: Anyway… Fawkes says that Snugglemuffin is this way. So come on!
They trek onward.
Coming into a rather – pungent – place, they decide that, yes, this has to be where the tracks were leading them.
MISHKA: Isn't it always someplace dank a smelly and utterly revolting?
SERPENTINE: Shut up
Mishka is now otherwise engaged.
DRACO: Look! It's a big hairy….
SIRIUS: …I want a piece of that!
HERMIONE: Not that that helps the virgin minds who wandered (or were probably forced) into reading this…
SERPENTINE: We have a test tomorrow.
MISHKA: …Get over it. You don't need math….and it might be cancelled. :P
SERPENTINE: You have a long tongue.
MISHKA: I know. You know, it's rather talented.
CHARACTERS: AHEM! We're hanging.
MISHKA: NO BITING!
SIRIUS: It's the hairy head of Rubeus Hagrid. Half Giant!
SEVERUS: Which one?
SIRIUS: The one on his neck…
SEVERUS: That doesn't -
SIRIUS: BAD Severus! Go to my room!
HERMIONE: Ughhh. I am so glad I'm blind at the moment.
DRACO: Wait. You guys don't have a room.
SIRIUS: There's nothing like performing sexual acts to relieve tension and establish dominance out in the open air…
Severus blushes deeply.
HERMIONE: DAMN my imagination!
SIRIUS: Just for your imagination's sake…I'm the cute one.
DRACO: Hey! That's my role.
The half giant Rubeus Hagrid yawns and proceeds to use the wand, Snugglemuffin, as a… never mind.
MISHKA: Does MOLDY WART still want it back?
SERPENTINE: Got to love the many uses of peroxide in everyday life… And DON'T CALL HIM MOLDYWART!
MISHKA: oh. That's right…You dumped me for snake-breath!
Ahem. The authoress' are settling in for an intermission to resolve past issues that have suddenly resurfaced.
MISHKA: Like all good relationships.
VOLDEMORT: Okay. So what are we doing?
DUMBLDORE: Shut up! We're practicing! All together now. Weeeee're…. KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE!
DEATH EATERS: We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!
THERE IS DANCING.
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
SOME TAP-DANCING. BELLATRIX IS DRESSED ALL IN LEATHER.
Oh we're tough and able
Quite in… defa… tigable!
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable!
It's a bit too loud in Camelot…
PETER: I have to push the pram a lot.
BELLATRIX: What the fuck's a pram?
RODOLPHUS: Look it up.
Mild, confused shuffling.
BELLATRIX: The dictionary says it's a baby carriage. Or a boat. Or a car. Or, a flat.
MACNAIR: That doesn't make sense.
BELLATRIX: YOU don't make sense!
MACNAIR: I am affronted! Bitch.
RODOLPHUS: Hey! I married that bitch, for your information!
VOLDEMORT: Whatever. Where the fuck are my coconuts? I need them to ride off into the sunset.
Draco, Hermione, Severus and Sirius are currently hanging off of a ledge, trying to retrieve the wand from the sleeping giant.
SIRIUS: Hehehe… I can see up your robes, Severus.
DRACO: Shut up, you two! Hermione will figure out I can see up her skirt!
Hermione manages to retrieve the wand from Hagrid using a handkerchief to pick it up. Unfortunately, Hagrid wakes up.
DRACO: Oh no! If he sees me, he'll want to keep me as his concubine! Run!
They run. Cornelius pops out of the shadows.
CORNELIUS: Aha, I've got you! Oh, crap. He's awake.
The Snugglemuffin Rescue Team stop at the edge of the cliff.
DRACO: Damn! There's no way down!
HERMIONE: Can you guys fly? You're fairies, after all.
SEVERUS: It's a term, not a species, you prat.
SIRIUS: Besides, we explained in our song.
DRACO: You didn't do the damn song!
SIRIUS: Well… sucks to be you.
HERMIONE: Ah, screw it!
She pushes Severus and Sirius off the cliff. Technically she pushes Sirius, but Severus, by magical law, has to go with him.
HERMIONE: They seem to have survived the fall. Let's go!
Draco stares at her. She grabs him by the shirtfront and they leap off into oblivion.
Then they hit the ground.
HERMIONE: Well that was bloody wonderful! Now, to Camelot!
DRACO: HEY! You're supposed to be all against going in your angst induced bitterness… besides, that's my line.
HERMIONE: Oh! That's what it is... carry on.
DRACO: Now, TO CAMELOT!
SEVERUS: He's an attention whore.
SIRIUS: Okay, so Hermione stays here acting all angsty while arguing with her trusted comrade and advisor Fawkes. I mean bloody hell! Fawkes guides her in life and death situations here!
SEVERUS: Just follow the bloody script. Now we follow the heroine…Draco, and we act like -
SIRIUS: We have two heroines?
SEVERUS: Three…we count you too.
SEVERUS: Back to the script…AHEM. Argh, Draco's been ambushed by two wizards who now have branches, and they seemingly popped out of nowhere!
SIRIUS: …Enough drama.
SEVERUS: Right….onward towards Hermione!
Meanwhile, inside the wagon…
NARCISSA: Draco you're alive! …And with a look of confidence about you. What happened? Lose your virginity?
NARCISSA: A mother can't ask those sort of questions?
DRACO: I failed you, mother! And in the process I met dad's old squeeze toy.
DRACO: Good guess.
NARCISSA: Yes, well. Personally, I found his tongue work somewhat overused.
DRACO: I met a bloke called Sirius too.
NARCISSA: Oh, him? He's my cousin. Technically your cousin, too.
DRACO: … That makes everything so much more revolting…
Which is the point of this parody.
CORNELIUS: Enough mother-son chatter! I now have Voldemort's wand and I shall attach it to my hand!
DRACO: … Er. You may want to clean it with peroxide first.
Back at the forest, the lovers – er, the angry snogging couple – have caught up with Hermione.
SIRIUS: Hermione! We need your blind ass back at Camelot because Cornelius sprung a trap and captured Pansy Ass Draco!
HERMIONE: He does that a lot. Right, then. Onward, so I can save my true love! But you two are going to be no help if you don't work together. You two have to think of something to agree on. You both love Draco, don't you?
SIRIUS: Not really.
HERMIONE: … Okay. Something else, then!
SIRIUS: Well. I like bondage.
SEVERUS: OMG. ME TOO.
HERMIONE: I hate myself.
Back at the gates of Camelot, Narcissa is sitting in the front of the wagon, looking glamourous, and causing the gates to be opened.
NARCISSA: My name was Helen in a past life. A lot of ships were launched because of me, you know.
CORNELIUS: That wasn't very funny.
NARCISSA: Well, you know what's funny? THAT STICK ON YOUR HAND.
Up in the castle…
DUMBLEDORE: Narcissa is here.
DUMBLEDORE: You said she was welcome here at any time, didn't you?
VOLDEMORT: … But I didn't mean it. It's the sort of thing you say to all grieving widows, right?
DUMBLEDORE: … Whatever. Go meet her in the round-table-that's-not-so-round room.
VOLDEMORT: Wow. That's symbolic. I smell foreshadowing. But meh. Off I go, whee!
In the back of the wagon that is the first of many to enter Camelot, Draco is kept under guard by a hulking Ministry Man, Kingsley.
Draco suddenly gets a bright idea, and begins an impromptu striptease. Kingsley, unable to stay strong in the face of such sexiness, faints. Draco clambers into the front seat beside his mother.
DRACO: IT'S A TRAP!
There is random fighting, and Cornelius runs off to enter Camelot, rushing towards the room of the not-so-round round table where Voldemort is currently twiddling his thumbs, awaiting fate.
VOLDEMORT: Rock on, dawg.
Draco runs about and manages to find himself up on the ramparts. Since he's such a skinny fellow, the ministry members manage to push him off. Except…
DRACO: It's FAWKES!
FAWKES: I did it in CoS so I can do it now.
Fawkes flies Hermione and Draco back to safety, where they kick serious bad guy ass.
DRACO: Where's Sirius and Severus?
HERMIONE: They're out distracting the other bad guys by starting a drinking contest.
DRACO: That's going to work?
HERMIONE: Well, whoever wins gets Severus for the night.
HERMIONE: Quick, we must save Voldemort!
DRACO: I can't see!
HERMIONE: Are your eyes closed?
HERMIONE: Well, I'll be your eyes. Grab hold. Hey! Not there.
Voldemort is at the round table, having a staring contest with Cornelius Fudge.
VOLDEMORT: You blinked!
CORNELIUS: Did not!
In a rage, Cornelius throws Voldemort onto the table. Haha.
VOLDEMORT: It's like my seventh birthday all over again!
VOLDEMORT: GIVE ME BACK SNUGGLEMUFFIN!
Insert evil laughter here.
CORNELIUS: Why are you laughing?
VOLDEMORT: Someone had to.
CORNELIUS: Whatever. I'll kill you. And I'll be King!
DRACO: I will not serve a false king!
Voldemort gets a shifty look.
DRACO: … I will not serve a false king my father didn't like!
Draco gives Cornelius a karate chop that sends him flying down through the ground to break the floorboards to the kitchens in the basement.
VOLDEMORT: But this is a castle. It's made of stone.
SERPENTINE: Do you want the wand or not?
MISHKA: Yeah. So shut up.
VOLDEMORT: … Kay.
CORNELIUS: Rargh! My eyes are full of flour!
DRACO: For springtime is upon us! Have at thee!
Unfortunately, Draco gets his ass whupped.
HERMIONE: No! He's my one true love! I'll save you!
Hermione gets her ass whupped.
HERMIONE: … We're not very good at this, are we?
Draco looks around, and spots an oven behind them. An old, sacred oven, with the oven door ajar… and a miraculously half-made cake inside. Chocolate, of course.
DRACO: One the count of kick, we move!
DRACO: One… two… kick!
They move out of the way just as Cornelius jabs the stolen wand in their direction.
Everything goes boom.
Magic abounds… maybe that's just Severus… I wonder who won? Well, hello Tonks… Imagine that.
Sirius' maniacal laughter floats through the hallowed halls. Ahem.
SIRIUS: FINALLY! Muahahahahaha. No more magic for this puppy!
REMUS: The curse is broken at last! And Cornelius Fudge has finally turned to dust! Muahahaha... ahem. Sirius…where were we?
Sirius changes his mind and rushes to fight off Tonks.
SIRIUS: Wait, SEVEREUS! We haven't done any bondage yet!
REMUS: Whore. I'll just go back to James then.
JAMES: Whew! It all worked out in the end. I almost thought that Sirius would stay with my widdle ickle Remus-chan!
HERMIONE: FINALLY! LET'S SNOG!
She proceeds to jump Dracos' bones and they happily roll into another page reserved for the more R-rated things we will not fail to imply.
Days later at a ceremony in the castle Voldemort is wondering how he ever agreed to any of this…
Dumbledore just happens to walk into the room and wave daintily at him. Voldemort pales (mainly impossible, but who gives a shit), clears his throat and turns to the lesser of the two evils.
MOLDYSNOT: I now…
SERPENTINE: CHANGE IT!!!!!
VOLDEMORT: I now pronounce these… rather unusual individuals who have a passion for foiling plans and listening into conversations they shouldn't and acting older than their actual age of 12 or so years in the most mature situations…
Dumbledore winks at him… shudder.
VOLDEMORT: I dub thee…………………court jesters!
HERMIONE DRACO: HEY! That's so not cool!
Dumbledore glares and licks his lips.
VOLDEMORT:GAH! I WAS JOKING! I was joking… ahem. I dub thee Sir Hermione and Lady Draco. You may now kiss the bride…I mean. Damn it! Wrong ceremony!.
DRACO HERMIONE: not that we care!
They proceed to snog themselves senseless.
VOLDEMORT: Screw it. Let's get drunk
Meanwhile, screams are coming from the dungeon. And we all know who frequents the dungeon…Wink! Ahahaha… ha. ETC.
Remus and James are happily… doing whatever task seems ahem important. Narcissa is dreaming of baby Malfoys (mothers are scary like that).
Peter is now running wildly from a Be-spelled Dumbledore who sees everyone else as his genius yet corrupted students…Wonder who else is on that list?
VOLDEMORT: Damn it. I should have bypassed the greybeard and gone fore Bella the Strange as my effing advisor. Even if she sleeps with her siblings.
Hermione and Draco decide they had enough trouble dealing with the world and only focus on each other… snog fest!
Neville is left wandering the forest and tripping while getting his nose caught in everything….somehow we don't pity him.
MISHKA: I wonder how long those two can snog without coming up for air?
SERPENTINE: Who cares. Let's just end the fucking story already, I already misspelled my name three times in a row.
MISHKA: Awwww…poor Serpentine needs some nappy wappy time! AHHHH! It's over!!!!!!!!!!!!!
….thank god. I was starting to think Serpentine would rub off on me.
AND THUS THE STORY ENDS.
THANK GOD. AND OTHER DEITIES. AND THAT REALLY COOL GUY AT HMV WHO SAID HE WAS 'SUPER', JUST BECAUSE.