When I look in the mirror I get depressed. I mean, look at me. I can't look too close or I see what is wrong. Not much help that Malfoy constantly tells me how worthless I am.
When I look at me I actually see only my faults; I have a bunch of scars from a bullying incident in muggle elementary school, I have really bushy hair, my eyes are a boring brown, I've got these stupid pudgy cheeks, my fingers are crooked and ink stained, I am fat, and I am pale.
It gets me depressed and then I feel even worse. What right do I have to be depressed? Harry went –and is going through- so much more, Neville even bears up under the pressure. This makes me feel selfish, and that makes me hate myself more.
I feel numb - Maybe you can't feel anything when you hate yourself? I'm bossy and hurt others, I'm rude (I imply that my friends are stupid just because they asked for me to do an assignment for them).
Then after I feel like an ass, I start to wonder why my friends hang out with me. Lots of the "friends" I had never contact me. Maybe they're happy to get rid of me?
Then I feel even more self-conscious and want to hide behind more books. If they don't see my worries – as pathetic and petty as they are – they won't think I'm vying for attention. But even a bookworm can get tired of books. I'm just too scared of them.
I wonder sometimes if I'm acting for a play that is my life. I don't want to, but it's like a defense mechanism, you know?
Them I start to worry about my friends drifting away. Or do I extricate myself from them?
Am I a freak?
Don't answer that, I am a freak. I don't fit in the muggle world – even my parents don't recognize me anymore. I don't fit in the wizarding world – being called mudblood sure makes that clear. Bloody hell! I didn't even fit in in elementary school before I knew I was a witch. Bullies are all around the world I guess.
It makes me feel like no one wants to listen to me.
There I go being selfish again.
I really want a hug. But then they'll ask questions. Questions are awkward. No one needs to know about the silly little schoolgirl who got bullied and harassed in elementary school. She's insignificant. But I want someone to accept that insignificant me.
I want a lot of things don't I? I wish Harry wasn't so altruistic; it makes me feel so selfish. But I don't want to change Harry. I want to know Harry, his hopes fears and dreams. I want to know Ron too. And I want them to know me right back. Is that too much? Maybe they feel like me? I want to know I'm loved.
I know my parents love me, but that's different. There's a slight bias in that they raised me ...And that's also distant, not the warm love I crave,
I want to be small again so I can grow up and do things differently. I want to make myself proud, not self depreciating
There's Harry and Ron in from Quidditch practice. They make there way over to me and quietly take in my form as they approach. I didn't know I had tears on my cheeks. They simply sit on either side of me and rub my back in soothing circles.
I don't want to be different. I'm such a hypocrite.
This all seems like a bunch of regrets, and if I went back I'd be different. I don't have regrets and I don't want to change or be different. I want to be seen differently. I want to be seen as a young woman who loves literature and enjoys having the two best friends in the whole world. I want to be seen for my likes and dislikes, for my dreams desires hopes and fears. I want them to know me; my insecurities, goals, personality, talents, faults, everything. So I won't go back even if I could.
Sandwiched in a hug by my two best friends feels like home. I give a quiet laugh and hug them back.
A THANKS goes to my friends, because they know me. They know and like me, no matter what Malfoy says. I'm the bookworm, mudblood, know-it-all witch Hermione Jane Granger – and I'm proud of it.
'Cuz I like me. Sometimes I just have to be reminded of the fact.