Disclaimer: I don't own RK. All original characters are mine to claim.
Synopsis: What would you do, when the only thing you want to run away from…it's yourself? I'm weak. I'm my own enemy. I'm in constant battle with my conscience. I'm Kamiya Kaoru, and I'm a hypochondriac. Modern day AU. KK story.
A/N: I am beyond embarrassed as I write this author's note…I've read all the reviews from last chapter and it saddened me to see their date…2007. Dear Lord, FOUR YEARS AGO! But, I do need to explain that I went to college and graduated already and I am currently working 10 hours a day so…somewhere along the line I guess I just…forgot Story of My Life. But I've received a PM from Savel a few weeks ago and it brought my attention back to the story. I've re-read it and fell in love with the characters once again. I am happy to say that I have planned all chapters left to this story and I even know the ending so, now, all I need to do is write the damn thing! AND I WILL!
I'm back in the game!
So I've re-edited this chapter…added a few things, changed a few verbs…but I didn't take the basis of it, because I do not wish to change the story.
As usual…read and review!
Story Of My Life
"Are you sure I'm okay?"
"For the fifth time this week, you're fine."
"But how are you so sure?"
"Because I happen to be a doctor, you know? Doctors? The ones who cure people?"
"You can't cure me."
"You're not ill!"
"Yes I am!"
"Not for the reasons you think!"
Are you looking at that? That's me having another crisis. When I set in my mind that I have something inside that's going to kill me, there's no one on this earth that can make me think otherwise. I've suffered from this for the past ten years. A few years ago, doctors told me the scientific name for people like me: hypochondriacs. It's almost like we have two personalities: one is positive and the other is negative. And usually, the negative one is stronger than the positive.
Some say people become hypochondriacs due to some pain they've suffered in the past; that's my shrinks' opinion; and others believe that unhappiness provokes this disease. And that's what my best friend thinks about all this. She keeps telling me that something in my life isn't making me happy and that's the reason for all of this nonsense.
I don't know who's right and who's wrong.
All I know is that neither of them fully understands what's in my soul…in my mind.
"You have to stop this Kaoru. You're so afraid of dying and yet you don't realize that you're killing yourself. With those fears, those…insane thoughts, you'll only get yourself killed. And it won't be by a disease. It'll be your mind killing you."
"You know I hate that word Misao."
"Well you have to face it! Maybe that's the problem! If you can't confront your own thoughts, then how can you confront life?"
"If I didn't confront my thoughts then I would have committed suicide years ago!"
It's always like this. I seek help, for some disease that it's not there. And because the doctors tell me I am not sick, I get mad. Mad at them, mad at the world, mad at myself to begin with. They think I don't fight against my 'insane thoughts'.
Have you ever wondered 'what if' about something in your life? I live in constant 'what if'. My brain starts questioning and wondering things that, at first, aren't reasonable even for me but, after a while thinking over and over again the same topic, my mind isn't so sure about what's possible and what's not, and I start living in 'what if'. Usually, when I'm depressed, I have a 'crisis', meaning that I have a panic attack caused by my thoughts. I start hyperventilating, shivering all over… It's a bad sight.
'Is she insane', you wonder. That's the hardest part for me, I guess. Only two people know about this: my shrink and my best friend, Dr. Makimachi Misao.
Who is tapping her foot impatiently at the floor in this instant.
"There you are going into your own world. What were you thinking just now?"
"Nothing important. You're sure I don't have anything?"
"Kaoru, you must be one of the healthiest persons walking on this earth. You do check-ups on your body every week." Misao pointed out. Right.
"What if I have something that isn't still awake? What if I have the disease in me and I'll live with it until the day it decides to start destroying me?"
"Kaoru, I'm not God and neither are you! You are going to die! Either if it's in an hour or in a hundred years, you're not immortal, and that's a reality you must face! No one can predict their time to pass away. The only thing you can do is enjoy the time you have left and turn it into something good and fulfilling!"
I sigh. It's a never win battle. I'm never able to prove that my fears are real and, in return, I'm given a lecture that never changes. Surprisingly though, she hasn't mentioned my—
"And that boyfriend of yours isn't helping you at all!"
Ah, here it is.
"Instead of helping you, he's doing nothing but complicating the situation!"
"Shouldn't we be focusing on me?"
"We are focusing on you! You should be with someone that cares for you, not someone that keeps staring at his so called perfect image every single second of his stupid, vain life! And what a big vain life we're talking about!"
"You have no idea how much it hurts me to see my best friend going down on a hill and having nothing in life that makes her happy."
"I have things that make me happy. I love my job."
"Oh please, designing clothes can't be that exciting."
"And I suppose dealing with sick people is paradise!"
"No, it's not, but at least I am fulfilled with my life, unlike you."
This is going nowhere.
"I bet you two don't even have time to talk. Does he know about this?"
No, he doesn't. But she doesn't understand how difficult it can be to explain what I have without the other person thinking I'm a lunatic. Especially my boyfriend.
"We do talk, okay? I've gotta go." I say, getting up and grabbing my purse.
We say goodbye and I leave her office.
The sky is really blue today and a cool breeze touches my face, caressing it, as if telling me not to worry. I've lived in Nagoya all my life. The only place I've ever visited up to today was Kyoto, and I have to admit it was worth it. If one day I would have to move somewhere in this country, I'd go to Kyoto.
I'm a young Japanese woman, with 24 years old. I have a gorgeous boyfriend, who is a model; friends and a good job. I should be happy. I am happy.
I just…can't feel it.
Lost in my thoughts, my feet lead me to Yamazaki River and I sit on a bench, under a sakura tree, observing my surroundings. Its spring and sakura are blossoming. I love this river mostly because of its trees. People from all around the world come here to see Nagoya's temples, shrines, castles, and they never fail to see this place.
The river is almost gone and people are enjoying the nice weather, making picnics and walking in the low river. Children play with the sand, the sun lightens the place, making everything in front of me look so blessed. I remember years ago, when my own parents would bring me here.
I smile faintly at the memory.
Usually, I try not to think about my past. It never fails to make me wish I could turn back time and somehow change what happened.
They would bring me here, in a perfect spring day, just like today, and would watch me closely as I played with the sand and the small puddles. My mother would prepare a small picnic and we would enjoy the weather and nature, under the sakura trees.
When I was little, I actually thought they were magical. I thought that if one stayed under a sakura tree, fully happy, every joy would last forever.
But it didn't work out that way. They left, and I was alone to face my fears. I was alone to grow up and face a life without warmth.
I close my eyes, feeling a stubborn tear rolling down my left cheek. "I miss you daddy…"
My eyes open at the unknown voice, only to stare at a blue handkerchief being held out by a hand in front of my face. Following the arm, my eyes stop at the face of a smiling man. He is looking at me with a small smile, his face showing sympathy and wisdom. I look back at the small piece of clothe in front of me and grab it, smiling thankfully at the mysterious man. He nods and turns, walking away.
"W-Wait! You forgot your handkerchief!"
He turns and smiles. "Don't worry. You'll give it back next time!" And with that, he is gone.
Next time? What in the world did he mean with that?
I look down at the small fabric. It was light blue and it had a small dotty pattern. I pull it closer to my face and smell the distinct smell of sandalwood. Such a nice and simple gesture…
A cold breeze warns me that it's been more than two hours since I got to the part. I return home a few moments later, my mind focused on the mysterious stranger. Entering my apartment, I can't help but still be puzzled with the stranger's behaviour. I mean, why would he give me something his out of the blue?
"Oh great koi, you're back! Help me to decide will ya?"
I look up at my boyfriend just as he gives me a light kiss on my forehead and heads back into our room. Sitting on the comfy couch, I sigh, waiting patiently for Enishi to return. I almost forgot he's having a shooting session today, in the middle of the night.
Talk about a strange job.
He reenters the room, his arms full with t-shirts, and he starts laying them on top of the low table we have in front of the couch.
"I was at Misao's today."
No answer. He's busy displaying the shirts.
"She said I need to find something to fulfill my life so that—"
"So? What color? Green? Blue? Orange would be nice, ne?"
I stare at him for a second before nodding at his suggestion. He dresses the orange shirt and looks at me. "What you think?"
"It looks great."
"Good! I'm taking this one then! I'm taking a shower, okay?" He leaves the room without even waiting for the answer, leaving the clothes on top of the table.
I look at them, and then glance up to the night view outside the large window in the living room.
"So that I stop being unhappy." I murmur to the empty space.
Misao's words echo in my mind as I lean back against the couch. The gas-heater is on and I let my eyes wander into the dark outside.
Another night I'm left alone. Yet another night I'll need my pills to fall asleep, or I won't be able to rest. When it's night, or when I'm alone, my 'insane thoughts' tend to get worse and I usually have a panic attack. Today, both collide.
My mind returns to this afternoon. Unconsciously, my hand reaches the small clothe inside my coat. How can a small gesture like this one give so much comfort? For no reason, I'm wishing that the stranger had stayed with me longer than he did. I'd give everything to receive this handkerchief again right now. A pang hits my heart and tears form in my eyes. I shut them tightly and breathe in. Exhaling, I open my eyes and rise from the couch, picking up the clothes to put them back where they belong.
Suddenly, reality hits me and I realize something I should have realized long before.
I'm not happy.
I am not okay.
I have nothing holding me alive.
Maybe I don't fear diseases.
Maybe I long for one.
This is my life.
And life's a bitch.
To Be Continued…
A/N:Well, here it is, RE-EDITED! YAY! For those who are still there, accompanying me in this incredible and long (sighs) journey, hello! And for those who have just started reading this, welcome! I do hope you enjoy it and read it until the end!
Bye for now!
Hugs and kisses!
P.S: Oh…and REVIEW if you wish ^.^