Title: The Plan
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary: Ron and Draco. A match never meant to be made, unless you're Harry Potter.
Note: This is weird and kind of crazy. Have no idea as to where it came from. POV bounces around.
I hate the fact that I'm working at the Ministry of Magic. I helped save the world, and yet I'm still stuck in a run end job like my father and brother. What's worse? I work with Draco Malfoy. The man is a menace. Sure, he turned on his father at the very last minute, thus aiding our destruction of the Dark Lord. But this isn't a chess game, we aren't keeping tabs here. He's still an annoying git.
Which is a good thing he works under me.
Not under me literally but... Oh, look, paperwork.
This is proof that the world is a cruel place. I work with Ron Weasley. I work under Ron Weasley. He is my boss.
I know I'm an evil genius, but did I really build up this much bad karma?
What's worse? He suddenly developed a dress sense sometime between defeating Voldemort and getting a job here. How is it his ugly arse can look so... sexy in black robes? It's not natural I tell you. Not natural at all.
Bloody freakin' hell, there he goes ordering people around. It's not natural, damn it!
I'm not the most observant person in the world. Usually I'm stuck in my own inner turmoil. I am able to see that, and admit it. But when I found out that Ron and Malfoy were working in the same department at the Ministry, I had to perk up and pay attention.
See, now, here is the weird thing. Draco... Uh, I mean, Malfoy... Has been giving Ron some strange looks as of late. He stares, and then stomps off, muttering things about a sexy buttocks dressed in black. I have a feeling he's talking about Ron's arse.
This idea is a little alarming, I must admit. I've never really thought about Ron's arse. It's an okay arse as far as arses go, but -- it might simply be the best friend thing talking -- it's nothing to jump for joy about. I'm an eye guy, anyway.
It appears, however, that Malfoy is a butt guy.
I decided an intervention was required. So, who do you call when you need to come up with a grade-A plan? Hermione, of course.
Harry needs a life. I know that saving the world is a very stressful and energy absorbing job. I know and understand this. I helped after all. In fact, I slept for three whole days after the final battle. But Harry... Well, Harry needs a life.
He doesn't have a job. He doesn't really need one with his inheritance and the house that the Ministry bought him. He doesn't have a girlfriend. Though, I'm starting to suspect he needs a boyfriend. That's just my opinion, though.
So, Harry calls me up and asks me to meet him for lunch. This is a normal occurrence, so I think nothing of it. When I arrive, however, he starts talking about how we need to come up with a way to get Ron and Malfoy together. When I ask him what he means, he replies: "Malfoy's always staring at his arse! Ron needs someone to stare at his arse. The world needs love, Hermione."
Like I said... Harry needs a life.
Hermione doesn't understand. The world is covered with hate and turmoil and evil beings who want to destroy the world. When you see two people in love, you have to help them in their path to happiness.
Or, you know, shove them into a room and make them realize their desire. Hey, now that's an idea...
I never thought I would say this, but I'm a little worried about Potter. He visited Ron -- Weasley! Not Ron! -- the other day and left with this strange grin on his face. Ron -- Weasley! -- blushes heavily every time I go near him, now. And when Potter's name is mentioned.
Come to think of it, Ron -- Wea- oh, never mind... -- hasn't came by to order me about as of late. I'm not worried, though. I'm not! I don't need that poor excuse of a boss telling me what to do.
Potter probably broke up with him or something.
I'm not jealous.
I do not support Harry in this plan. I just want my conscious to know that.
Harry's inviting a few friends over for drinks... I think he's plotting something. It might be my imagination, but you can always tell when Harry is trying to be sneaky. He gets this strange look in his eyes and then starts laughing in a very demonic way. It's disturbing and rather funny considering it's Harry doing this.
At first I didn't plan on going. I've had a major workload as of late. And it's not because I've been avoiding Draco Malfoy, and thus having to do his work. I haven't been avoiding him. Especially since Harry pointed out Draco -- Malfoy!! -- looking at my butt.
It doesn't make me uncomfortable. Really. It doesn't. It's just Malfoy. Nothing to be worried about. I don't think Draco Malfoy is cute or... anything else. Ha. Showed you.
The guests arrive at 24 hundred hours... Or... You know, whatever time six o'clock is. Hermione keeps shooting me glances, as though she wants to talk. I'm on to her. She wants to keep me from doing this.
I shall strive on!
Harry just burst out into maniacal laughter... Should I worry?
Potter is psychotic. There are no words for how strange that boy is. I don't even know why I came here. I must really be bored, if I joined Potter and Pals for a evening toast, of all things. Life sucks. Literally.
Oh, what's this! Granger appears to be arguing with Potter! Oh, is there trouble in paradise?
Ouch. Damn, Granger packs a punch. I think Potter is crying. Ah, these are the moments we savor.
I didn't mean to hit Harry. He was just acting so strange. I had to make sure he wasn't possessed! He's even more determined to go along with his plan now, though. Maybe I should just go along with it, as well. Harry has this strange habit of having everything work out for him.
Oh, Merlin. I can not watch this. I can't believe he's... Yup, there he goes. Gods, Harry, you're not sly enough to do this. Look at you! You look like you've got cramps or something.
And it has begun.
I had turned away from one moment! One moment and what happens? I have Harry tackling me to the ground and trying to wrestle me into a closet. What the hell is going on here. Hermione is just standing off to the side. I can't even see Draco. There is a banging sound and then... silence. And darkness. And something warm against my side.
Bloody Hell. Harry's gone evil hasn't he?
"I'm going to die." I whimper before I can stop myself.
"Don't be so bloody dramatic." Draco annoyed voice says in my ear. I suddenly realize what that warm thing is. Great. I'm stuck in a closet with Draco Malfoy. What is Harry thinking?
I am a genius.
"Will you get off me?" I ask, attempting to remain calm. It's hard to do when you have Ron Weasley pressed tight against you. Ron shifts around on his feet, pushes at me a bit, before sighing.
"Why not?" I ask, getting agitated.
"Because there isn't enough room for me to move." Ron replies mournfully. "I knew I should of talked Harry into the house with the large closets."
"Bloody freakin' hell!" I curse, before letting out even more colorful words. Ron remains quiet the entire time, his breathing calm in my ear. Finally I shut up, frowning. "This sucks."
"Gee, just figure that out?" Ron asks.
"I hate you."
"Did you hear that?" I ask, pressing my ear to the door. Hermione is giving me her 'Oh, Merlin' look again. "I think Draco just confessed his undying love."
I really worry about Harry sometimes.
"Okay, I think I've figured it out." I suddenly say. I twist around in the small space until the front of my body is pressed against the front of Draco's. I try to ignore the total and complete erotic picture this must make.
"Figured what out?" Draco asks in a strangled voice. Looks like he chose to think about the erotic picture.
"Harry wants us to be a couple." I say.
"Are you completely off your rocker?" Draco bursts out laughing. Yeah, I kind of expected that.
"I'm serious." Ron replies. I know he's glaring at me and that just makes me laugh harder. "Oh come off it! I know you've been staring at my arse!"
"What?" My laughter stops immediately. There is no way he's seen me looking at his arse. Not that I... have... Bloody hell. This night just gets better and better doesn't it?
My life sucks.
"Harry told me." Ron confesses. "Unless he lied... Did he lie? Cripes."
"Umm." I'm not sure what to say. As a Malfoy, I've never been afraid to admit my feelings. So... Eh, what the hell. "Yeah, fine. I've been staring at your sexy arse, Weasley. It's all your fault."
"How is that my fault?" Ron asks, confused.
"I... I don't know! Shut up!"
Why do I always get caught up with the psychos? First Harry, with his plans and his 'everyone needs love' trip. Then Hermione, with her Hogwarts, A History fetish. Now Draco? Is it something in the water?
"I think Draco just begged Ron to kiss him." I whisper.
"He did not." Hermione snorts. "He told Ron to shut up."
"He did not!" I reply. "Can't you just feel the love?"
Hermione just doesn't seem to understand the concept of true love. Hasn't she read Romeo and Juliet? No wonder she's so uptight. Huh... Maybe I should look into hooking her up with Ginny later. I'm sure they will fit into the closet as well. Perhaps if Hermione starts getting sex at regular intervals she will ease up a bit.
Harry's getting that look in his eye again. Why is he looking at me that way?
"This is stupid." I tell him. "We should just make some moaning noises so Harry will open the door. Then, I can kick his arse."
"You will not touch Potter's arse!" Draco orders suddenly, sounding very angry and a little possessive. There is a pause in the air.
"Umm... Huh?" I ask, not quite grasping Draco's comment.
"Nothing." He says hastily.
"No, seriously. What did you mean by that?" I refuse to let this go.
"It's nothing!" Draco says in a near whine.
It's the end of the Malfoy name as I know it. It's a good thing Ron is so slow at catching on, other wise I'd be in deep shit right now. There is no way I'm admitting that I confused Ron kicking Potter's arse with Ron touching Potter's arse. Ron's hands belong to me!
Bloody Hell, what did Potter put in that wine, anyway?
"I don't like Harry that way." I tell Draco, having finally realized what he had been going on about. Even in the dark I know the blonde is blushing.
"Like I care, Weasley." Draco replies snidely.
"Oh, you care." I say.
"I do not." Draco snorts.
"Don't make me prove it to you, Malfoy." I can't help the growl that escapes me. Draco lets out a small whimper at the sound of my growl. If I'm not mistaken that wasn't a sound of fear. "Oh, yeah. You want me."
"You know, ever since you helped kill the Dark Lord, you've turned into a cocky bastard." Draco informs me.
"What can I say? I got confidence now." I tell him calmly, inwardly beaming.
That bastard. Making me enjoy an actual conversation with him. He's actually flirting with me. Jerk. Bloody Gryffindor.
"Hey, Malfoy?" I ask.
"What?" Draco grumbles.
"I'm going to kiss you now." I tell him, grinning at the sound of distress he makes. I actually wasn't planning on kissing him. I was just going to tell him that so he would freak out. But maybe Harry's right. Maybe I do like Draco that way.
So I kiss him.
Ron Weasley is kissing me. And I like it. He has soft lips and a warm tongue. Great Salazar, where did he learn that?
"Hermione!" I squeal with excitement. "Did you hear that? That was a moan! That was Draco moaning."
"Harry? Get a life." Hermione tells me.
Life? Who needs one of those when you have two cute boys making out in your closet.