Title: The Guy Code
Author: Tirya King
Feedback: Of course!
Archive: Just tell me where it's going!
Summary: Set during Marauders Era. The boys demonstrate how to live those ageless laws that govern a male's behavior.
Disclaimer: The Guy Code can be found online on a yahoo search and is not mine. Neither does HP belong to me though I am working on that problem
A/N: It's silly. It's pointless. And it's the most fun thing I've done in a long long time!
The Guy Code
Rule One: Thou shalt not rent a 'chick flick'.
"Prongs, my friend, you are a genius," praised a very pleased Wormtail relaxing in the sofa. "This is the best idea you've had since teaching the suits of armor how to tango."
Said bespectled animagus said nothing, his small friend had said all that was needed. Unfortunately for the reputed genius, Wormtail was not the only one in the room.
"Genius my ass!" snorted Sirius, "Who was the one who convinced his parents to get one? He didn't even know what one was."
"Sod off," James replied smoothly. "Like you even knew what it did. All you knew was that it provided 'entertainment.' Do you know how much fits into that category?" He thought for a moment. "Or how much in that category could get us serious time in Azkaban?"
"I know that if it hadn't been for me, we would not be currently enjoying said Muggle entertainment machine T.V. …thingy." He saw the other two 15 year olds glance at each other, sharing some secret message that he did not include him. "Oh, come on you two! Who was the one who helped Papa James set the dumb thing up?"
James sighed at his best friend's ranting. It was best to cut him off early before he really got into the moment. If one let him go on too long, there was no telling when it would stop. "Padfoot, please stop before you hurt yourself."
"Aw, Jamesikins, don't tell me you're concerned for my well-being," Sirius grinned cheekily. The effect was somewhat lessened as both James and Peter had been under the gaze long enough before to withstand any side effects.
"I just don't want to explain to your mum why her precious little heir to the throne is coming home in a match box. Oh, and my dad told me to tell you that if he hears you call him 'Papa James' one more time, he'll hex you to Antarctica." He took off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose; he felt a headache coming on. A common occurrence where Padfoot was concerned.
"Speaking of your mum, Sirius, how do you know so much about these Muggle machines?" asked Peter, fiddling with the remote and trying to figure out what it did. "Doesn't she… er… frown upon such things?"
"Bloody hell, Wormtail, how do you think I know so much about it in the first place?" Sirius exclaimed. "Anything that ticks her off makes for a productive day."
"Yeah, but she'll really freak when she finds out you were here watching the V.T.," Peter continued. Truth be told, the woman frightened her worse than Snape when she got into one of her moods. To his credit, there were not many who were not slightly intimidated by the raging she-wolf of the Black clan.
"Why do you think I'm here? And it's called a T.V., Petey."
"And here I thought you enjoyed our company," mused a new voice at the door. Remus stood there, a bemused expression on his face. In one hand the werewolf held a bag filled with their favorite treats. In the other was a black square… thing of some sort of purpose.
"Now why would I enjoy your company, you stuffy old pup?" Sirius asked, but nevertheless looking like an excited puppy himself at the sight of the food. The slight wiggling only further enhanced the image.
"Because I currently possess both your extra cheesy, triple-bypass, curled in strange ways poofs and the means for your visual entertainment." Sirius eyed the cheese chips hungrily, as though looking away would cause them to disappear.
"Oh, good, you're back," James said lightly, lounging on his mother's chair sideways. "What did you get? Something good I hope since this will be our first movie thingy ever."
"Prongs, your eloquence is astounding. And yes, as a matter of fact…"
"Oh come off it, Moony," Sirius said, unsuccessfully trying to grab his cheesy poofs from the werewolf's hands. "You're talking like Professor Procyon. Now give me my chips!"
"Down boy!" Remus held them out of reach. "Now as I was saying, I did get a movie that seemed worthwhile. The attendant at the counter was rather…"
"Well, pop it in already, Moony," Peter said returning from his mission to grab drinks for everyone. He squeezed by Remus in order to get his spot back on the couch next to the jittery Sirius.
The werewolf sighed to himself. He got no respect, honestly. He was undisputedly the brains of the Marauders and they just take him for granted. One of these days…
"Oy! You deaf? Pop in the movie, oh Mooned One," Sirius called, finally swiping the chips from the daydreaming wolf's hands. Happily munching on his fatty treat, the young animagus became less jumpy, but no less demanding.
Silently vowing a messy and painful death for the young Black, Remus nonetheless complied if only to shut him up. After a few tedious moments of figuring out how the blasted machine worked, with much cursing involved by one Sirius Black, the movie was finally begun. It is to be noted that although young Sirius was rather emotionally driven by the obstacle presented to the four friends, he was the one who put forth the least effort in manual labor. Ideas and input he had, but as James so readily supplied, such input is to be thereby ignored and put down at the source.
Settled down to their artery-blocking treats and sugary drinks, the Marauders proceeded to watch their very first movie ever.
It was a night no one would forget.
The beginning showed promise. Death and dismemberment always made for good entertainment. Especially for four 15-year old boys. However, said promising movie soon dissolved into one that would haunt them for days to come.
As their first movie ever progressed, the Marauders soon learned the hidden perils that came with obtaining an object about which they knew little to nothing.
James' face looked alternately confused and horrified. Now and then he shot an accusing glare toward the bemused Remus. Said werewolf had a carefully neutral, betraying neither pleasure nor horror toward his chosen video. Sirius, on the other hand, was not so sagely in his observation. From the first 20 minutes on, his hand lay limp in his cheesy poof bag, his face resembling that of a nun in a satanic dance club. This floored shell-shocked expression only changed once in a while, and only to whimper like a kicked puppy. Peter had scooted up to the wall like a cornered mouse and there he stayed for the remainder of the film. He only came out now and then for some chips or a sip of soda.
When at last the credits rolled, it was to the bittersweet groans of the four boys. No one moved to take out the tape, each frozen in their designated spots. When the credits began thanking the cousin of the stunt monkey's owner's wife, James finally shot forward to removing the offending tape. He shut off the power of the t.v. and dropped the small black box in the werewolf's lap. His hazel eyes burned fiercely.
"Explain," he spat out tersely.
Remus looked up at his friend with the serene expression of the Buddha. "It is a device of Muggle design that when placed inside another electronic device known as a V.C.R. produces an image…"
"Not the tape, Moony!" James looked ready to start spitting fire and brimstones. "The tape!"
Moony's sweetly divine peaceful expression contorted into a sweetly divine confused expression. "Ah, now I understand, Prongs."
"How could you!" accused Sirius, always one to quickly find his voice. "How bloody could you! I thought we were friends."
The werewolf frowned slightly. "We are."
"Not now we aren't," the Black insisted, crossing his arms and sticking his nose in the air. "We are now in a fight. I am no longer speaking to you."
"Padfoot, that is physically impossible for you," Remus sighed. "I give you two minutes tops."
"Two minutes!?" Sirius exclaimed, rounding on his friend-no-longer. "What do you mean two minutes? I could go forever without talking to you again! You grossly underestimate me!"
Moony's grey eyes sparkled. "Obviously."
"Now while I'm not talking to you, explain the meaning of that tape!"
Remus only smirked at him. He would have said something back, but Peter chose that moment to come out of hiding. "Yeah, Moony," Peter said, face deathly pale. "What was that all about? You're not… not… gay, are you? Not that there's anything…"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I am," Moony admitted, face purely neutral. "And the moment you and James leave my sight, I am jumping Sirius."
The werewolf was astounded to see that poor Wormtail's face could go even whiter.
There was a beat of silence to commemorate that announcement.
Finally he gave in and groaned in utter exasperation. "I was joking for the love of Merlin! I'm a Marauder! I'm allowed to joke from time to time, am I not?!"
Sirius' eyes narrowed into sapphire slits of offended anger. "You don't joke about that, man!"
Remus huffed sarcastically. "Oh please, Padfoot! Like I find you attractive. And besides, the description on the box says 'Gone With the Wind' is an epic war movie. The lady at the counter said it was an American classic."
"Not attractive?!" Sirius was now thoroughly offended. Why, he should be found attractive by both genders, such was his raw animal magnetism. Despite his predisposition to the fairer sex.
"What?!" James likewise exploded, though for a completely different reason. "You trusted a Muggle female when it came to movies?!"
"Well I couldn't exactly trust a magical male, now could I?" Remus defended himself sarcastically.
"About an American movie?!"
"Not attractive he says!"
"It's a classic!"
"That just means it's old!" Peter backed up James.
"About the American Civil War!"
"I have a whole fan club back at school!"
"The Civil War was a bloody footnote!" James yelled over Sirius' whining.
"But the back said…"
"Mother says I'm easily the best looking in the family!"
"Does 'Gone With the Wind' sound like a freaking war movie to you?!"
"A mere smile from me can send women into…"
"Shut up, Sirius!" everyone finally exploded, unable to deal with the offended Black at the moment. His expression was of one greatly scandaled, but it was a well-known fact that he would snap out of it any minute now.
"Alright, fine!" Remus conceded. "So I didn't choose the most thrilling violent war epic complete with dinosaurs eating robots during post-Apocalypse Earth."
"I'll say," Peter snorted, crossing his arms.
"I'll point is, Peter, is that every last of you needs to expand your horizons! Live a little! Experience what's out there even if it's not something you'd normally do." He panted slightly after this small speech, firmly worked up over the many injustices he'd suffered for the sake of visual entertainment. "I for one found this movie to be a moving work of drama that is both historically informative but culturally enlightening."
However, this expressive plea to the masses fell on deaf ears. James pointed at the door. "Out."
"And don't come back until you have something well and truly gory," Sirius added, still offended by the gay remark.
"Not too gory," Peter added, not one for violent, bloody stories. "Maybe a comedy."
"A manly movie, got it," Remus deadpanned. "Anything else, oh insecure ones?"
"More cheesy chips!" Sirius requested, eyes sparkling at the thought.
"Alright, fine. A manly movie and enough unhealthy food to kill a dragon. Is that it?" Remus felt another headache coming on.
Just as he was about to leave to brave the unknown… again… the door opened, heralding the entrance of one Mrs. Potter. A kind, gentle, and talented witch who nearly always stood a step ahead of her mischievous son and his friends. She was also unexplainably fond of the werewolf unit of the Marauders.
And tonight, she would go a long way in earning the said werewolf's fondness in return.
"Oh hello, Remus dear," she greeted him as he stood in the door, preparing to go. "Where are you going so late at night?"
"Back to the store," James answered for him. "He got a terrible movie and is going to rectify it."
"Oh? And what movie did you get?" she took the box from his hands. "'Gone With the Wind'? I saw it at our Muggle neighbor's house. Maggie Stelling, you know her, James. It's a brilliant film!" She looked down at the shell-shocked werewolf pup with renewed affection. "Did you like it, Remus?"
Finding an ally, even it was his friend's mother, Remus nodded enthusiastically. "I thought the class structure presented was especially…"
"GoodBYE, Moony!" James pushed him out the door before he could get going on his tangent.
Grumbling to himself over the unfairness of Life, the Universe, and Everything, Remus had no choice but to carry out his given mission… again.
5 hours later…
"Oh come on, Moony. I know it's a bit over your head, but really!"
"Over my head?! Guys, this is…"
"The best movie I've ever seen!"
"It's the second movie you've ever seen."
"And to think that such a wonderful movie has such a wonderful name!"
"Yeah, 'Plan 9 From Outer Space'…"
End Part One
A/N: Yeah, it's silly, but it was a lot of fun. I've never actually seen 'Gone With the Wind.' I have, however, seen 'Plan 9…' And it's the worst, most wonderful movie ever! It is universally known as the worst movie ever made, so that's the joke for those of you who haven't seen it. If anyone has ideas for a Guy Code of Conduct feel free to submit it. Or if you have a scene you want to see. Or whatever. Input people! Input!