DC: I don't own it nor do I clam to so all the lawyers can back off before I kidnap then sick Sirius on them.
Okay this is a result of having nothing to do after playing the PoA game on game boy and watching/listening to CoS on HBO for like the fifth time in two days. Seriously they play movies in endless loops and there is never anything on during the day!
Summary: The trio (okay Harry mostly but anyway) is tired of being left out of the orders business so they create their own order! The order of the owls! They cook up a plot to kill Voldie. And when they succeed Dumbledore's face is going to be very red.
This story is not for the sane minded and it makes no sense. Seriously! In the first paragraph you'll understand why!
The Order of the Owls
Harry walked into the kitchen of Grimauld place wearing only lounging pants and a shirt that had a lion crushing a snake with a broomstick. He was sucking on the straw of a slushy drink while playing a game boy he had gotten for his birthday. He was playing the prisoner of Azkaban game given to him by Sirius as a gag gift.
He was so wrapped up in defeating werewolf Lupin and keeping Buckbeak alive with multiple 'Grand wiggenwald' potions that he hadn't noticed he had walked right into a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. "COME ON!" he yelled at the game. "JUST LEAVE ALREADY LUPIN I'M RUNNING OUT OF POTIONS!"
Remus looked up confused. "No, no, no!" Harry cried. "NO DAMN YOU LUPIN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" He yelled. Sirius and Remus exchanged confused looks. Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly. Harry didn't hear it. The Order watched they boy-who-wanted-to-defeat-Lupin looking very confused.
"Well, well Lupin, we meet again. But this time I have purchased forty 'Grand wiggenwald potions' from Fred and George YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME! IT IS YOU THAT WILL BE DEFEATED I HAVE SIRIUS TO RESCUE!" Harry was really getting into his game.
His brow furrowed in frustration. "SINCE WHEN CAN LUPIN PARALIZE PEOPLE?!"
"Yes, this is good!" Harry said his face brightening. "Yes! Yes! OH YEAH TAKE THAT PROFESSOR! WHAT NOW! YEAH DON'T MESS WITH HARRY POTTER AND HIS MIGHTY HIPPOGRIFF! ON WARD TO SIRIUS!" He was standing and was doing some sort of victory dance.
Sirius tried not to laugh at the look on his best friends face. Remus Lupin had a look of utter confusion and shock on his face. Dumbledore cleared his throat again. He seemed to be beside himself. The rest of the order seemed to be enjoying the fifteen-year-old boy's actions. "Harry,"
"Yes, Sirius is just a few feet away…what the hell is Malfoy doing on the roof?"
"HARRY!" Harry looked up. "Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked. He saw parchment on the table with maps and such. "Oh, heh, sorry." Harry said. "You guys really need to announce when your having order meetings." Harry said trying to blame it on the order. "Whatever. I'll just make my own order." Harry said walking out dramatically.
He stormed up to the room he shared with Ron. Hermione and Ginny were sitting on Harry's bed talking. "Why can't we join the order?" Harry asked as a general question to the room.
"Because we're too young?" Hermione offered
"Because we're in school?" Ginny suggested
"Because we don't know squat compared to them?" Ron said shrugging.
"Those are all valid reasons." Harry said sitting down. "We don't need them! We'll start our own Order!" Harry said standing pumping his fist into the air. Everyone in the room looked at him. "Why?" Ron asked after a few moments silence.
"Because they're not working fast enough! They're trying too hard! We're better! I WANNA FEEL INVOLVED IN BRINGING DOWN MY PARETNS KILLER! I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA!" Harry yelled sounding rather whinny in the end. Everyone stared at him confused.
10 minutes later
"Sounds like fun." Ron said after a long stretch of silence where nobody moved. Hermione and Ginny had been staring at Harry with confused looks on their heads. And Harry himself was still standing in the doorway with his fists balled up at his chin and his eyes were big and watery (very anime style) looking very sad and dramatic.
Harry jumped up in the air and let out a loud whoop. Everyone stared at him as though he were quite mad.
The next night
Dumbledore and the order walked down to the basement kitchen. He opened the door only to see an angry looking Harry. "I'm sorry Dumbledore but we're in the middle of a very important meeting." He said firmly. Dumbledore exchanged a confused look with Minerva and Remus. "Can I join?" Sirius asked brightly. "Are you over seventeen?" Harry asked seriously.
"As far as I know." Sirius said.
"Though he doesn't act like it." Remus grumbled. "Then no." Harry said. "Only seventeen and under. That's the rule."
"Now really Potter we must get on with the meeting." Snape said irritated.
"I'm sorry Professor but you didn't reserve the meeting area in time."
"Reserve the meeting area?" Remus asked confused. "Yes, the time slot was completely empty." Harry said folding his arms. Ron was behind him nodding. "Ronald Weasley." Molly said from the back.
"Sorry mum, rules are rules."
"What slots?" Dumbledore asked confused out of his mind. "These slots." Harry said pointing to a written schedule on the door. Sure enough there was a list of days and 48 slots under each of them with little times written on them in intervals of 30 minutes. Sloppy writing was written in on Thursday 7:00-8:00
"You'll have to get a time and come then." Harry said shutting the door on the baffled order of the phoenix.
"Now first order of business." Ginny said taking the head of the table. "Establishing a name."
"Ooh!" Ron cried throwing his hand into the air. "How about death to Snape!"
"Um, no." Ginny said. "How about Order of the Phoenix!" Ron said quickly. Everyone looked at him.
"Oh right that's already taken. Sorry it just popped into my head." He said sheepishly.
"Ooh! I know I know!" Harry said suddenly jumping up. "The Order of the Owls!"
"Okay all those in favor of Order of the Owls?" Everyone raised his or her hands. "Okay, next order of business. Electing a president."
"Ginny, it's Harry now can we get a move on my hand in cramping." Hermione said. "I'd use a charmed quill only we can't do magic outside of school."
Harry snatched the quill and ran out the door. "Where is he going?" Ron asked. Hermione shrugged.
Harry dashed into the hall to find the whole order was still crammed into it with bewildered faces. "Um hello." He said. "HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" he yelled. Everyone looked at him.
"Can one of you charm this so it'll take notes on it's own? Hermione's hand is cramping up."
"I'll do it!" Sirius said boldly. Remus pushed him out of the way and charmed the quill. "Thanks!" Harry said brightly running back into the kitchen.
"Why did you help him?" Snape asked. "The little puke just took over."
"Because I, unlike some, am nice." Remus said simply. Snape growled. "And he, unlike some, washes his hair and bathes." Snape dived on Black and the two rolled around the tight hallway fighting.
"KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE! BETTER YET GO AWAY!" Ron's voice called from the kitchen.
"RONALD WEASLEY GET OUT HERE!"
"CANT MUM WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING!"
Harry took the front. Now based on the dreams I've had Voldie is hiding in a crappy mansion that could use a fresh coat of paint and a new rug along with matching furniture. In fact it wouldn't kill him to decorate…"
"HARRY!" Hermione yelled. "This isn't extreme make over home edition." She said calmly. "Right. Well last year I had a dream that he killed some old guy."
"So we find the old guy and question him!" Ron said making everyone stare. "I said he killed him Ron." Harry said shaking his head. "Oh, yeah, heh, sorry got ahead of myself."
"Anyway, the village is Little Hangleton."
"How do you know?" Hermione asked.
"Simple I looked it up in the police records. The Riddles lived there and they were killed by a killing curse, though they thought it was just a strange freak of nature."
"WE ATTACK AT DAWN!" Ron yelled.
"I swear to god Ron if you don't shut up I will stuff this quill in your bloody eye." Hermione grumbled. Ron sat down and remained quiet. "Now we need a plan because we can't just charge into the place." Ginny said.
"Yeah," Harry agreed thinking hard. "Think Harry think." He grumbled. "Ow." He put a hand to his head. "Thinking cramp." Hermione rolled her eyes. "I got it! We bake a cake!" Harry said brightly.
"Yes, that sounds lovely but what will it accomplish?" Ron asked.
"No, we bake a cake! We fill it with a deadly poison and send it to Voldemort!"
"He wouldn't just eat a cake given to him by us." Ginny said.
"We say it's from Lucius Malfoy." Harry said simply. "And if it doesn't work then at least Lucius will die for trying to kill his lord." Harry added with a shrug.
"It's worth a shot." Hermione said. "I mean what do we have to loose?"
"Have you finished yet Hermione?" Ron asked as Hermione stirred the batter. "Almost, I've just got to add the poison." She poured about three cups of Snape's most potent poison in the batter and mixed it in. She then poured it into a cake pan and put it in the oven.
"Can I lick the bowl?" Ron asked. Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Did you not just see me mix potent poison in there?" she asked. "Oh, right, sorry its just habit."
45 minutes later
"Wow Hermione! It looks amazing!" everyone chorused. Hermione used special frosting laced with poison. On the top said 'to the dark lord! The best there ever was!'
"Great now let's rent and owl and ship it!" They walked up to the living room. "Remus can you take us to Hogesmead?"
"Why?" the werewolf asked curiously. "We need to deliver something." Harry said.
"Why don't you use Hedwig?" Remus asked. "Because," they said simply.
"Oh well as long as you have a good reason." Remus said sarcastically. "Just go Moony." Sirius said. "I need you to get me some chocolate frogs anyway."
Harry addressed the "package" and sent the owl to Little Hangleton. "Score!" the four said in whispers. They then made a motion with their hands as if they were making a bird shadow puppet. "Owls!"
1 day later
"My lord this arrived for you." Peter said handing Voldemort the packaged cake. "Ooh! It looks quite yummy!" Voldemort said rubbing his hands together. He picked up a large fork and ate the whole thing in less then a few seconds.
Suddenly he clutched his throat and fell back twitching like mad. Peter ran around in circles screaming. Lucius licked the remaining frosting and cake from the cake pan while assorted death eaters watched wondering if they had anything better to do or not.
Finally Voldemort stopped moving, Peter tripped over Nagini and fell into the fire place, Lucius was now twitching on the floor and the death eaters decided they did in fact have better things to do.
Sirius Black sat in the kitchen listening to the remainder of the Order's meeting. He picked up the paper not wanting to listen to Snape. He took a drink of BOILING hot coffee as he read the front page.
THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT HAD DIED
Sirius spit out his coffee all over Snape as he read this. "BLACK I WILL KILL YOU!"
"HOLY SHIT VOLDEMORT FREAKEN DIED!" Sirius yelled. The order crowded around the paper
"The dark lord was found dead this morning in his father's mansion. Traces of a poisoned cake were found in his system. Lucius Malfoy was also found with traces of poison. Peter Pettigrew, who was in fact alive proving what Sirius Black told us two years ago about him being alive there for he is officially set free (SCORE!), was burned to death due to him tripping into the fire. We think. Anyway to point is we were wrong again and we are very sorry. Because we don't know who did it we will give the credit to Harry Potter because we can, hell we're the daily profit, we can do anything! We think. Anyway…" Sirius just left off as all they continued to do was write about how they thought they had assorted freedoms.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny walked in laughing. "WE ARE THE BEST!" Ron cried.
"Harry did you hear that Voldemort…" Remus began. "Yeah! We poisoned him! That's what we were delivering! Poisoned cake!" Harry said laughing.
"How? Why? When?" Dumbledore seemed beside himself in shock. "Well we are the Order of the Owls! We are the best!" Harry cried. The four began to do some sort of victory dance that looked a lot like a moonwalk crossed with an Egyptian like move.
All the adults were stunned by the fact they had spent a year trying to stop Voldemort with intricate plans when all it took was a poisoned cake.
"Well that just goes to prove." Harry said sitting with his godfather and friends. "That not every plan has to be complex to be effective?" Remus offered.
"No, that third times a charm if you buy plenty of 'Grand wiggenwald potions' from Fred and George and don't let werewolves beat up your hippogriffs." Everyone laughed
And they all lived happily ever after…
That is, until Sirius got a bad case of gas.
IF THAT MADE ANY SENSE TO ANY OF YOU THEN GREAT MORE POWER TO YOU! I'm hyper and it's midnight! This was all in good fun and I meant no offense by it if any of you are Voldie lovers. Hey I'm a Voldie fan myself. I mean I do hope in the end he does die but still. And I am a big fan of Snape, I just had to have him a Sirius fight!
Hope this provided a good laugh for you all!