Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or Final Fantasy, they both belong to their respective owners.
Warnings: Turn back while you still can. Run. Run very fast.
"How do you play this again?" The annoyed black-haired teen asked. His hair was placed in a quickly done ponytail, with areas left out of the tie to freely get in it's owners eyes at any given moment. Unfortunately that was every moment. Blue eyes tiredly gazed at his friend, who had short brown hair and absolutely awake reddish-brown eyes.
"You choose a class and a species, then you customize how they look." The brunette said simply, smiling broadly.
"…Takuya, that's what I do, not how to play." The black-haired teen growled.
"All right. This… is a Final Fantasy VII Strategy Guide. We'll use this to place the events in order. We use these dice to decide things such as status effects, attack damage, and such. These cards are going to hold our character's information, and we type everything we do on the computer. This game board…" Takuya picked up a not-so-nicely drawn piece of construction paper (more of four pieces of construction paper) to somewhat resemble the map at the back of the strategy guide. "Is what we move our pieces on, and we use the pictures in the guide when we go to towns. You understand Kouji?" He asked, tilting his head to the side.
"…Takuya, it's four in the morning. You suck at explaining, and I'm too busy trying to understand why you want to play this. Yes, I understand." Kouji muttered sarcastically.
"That's great!! Okay, choose your character and such!" Takuya smiled, holding out the 'classes' of things to choose from. Kouji twitched at him, then muttering to himself silent threats to Takuya he looked at it. There were the Hume's, Mithra's, Tarutaru's, Elvaan's, and Galka's.
"…An Elvaan I guess." Kouji shrugged, handing the sheet back.
"Cool! I'm a Hume!" Takuya proclaimed proudly. "I call dibs on the warrior!" He said, grabbing an empty paper towel roll and pretending to use it as a sword attacking monsters that didn't exist.
"…that's nice." Kouji sighed, and looked down. What the heck were these things? A Black Mage? A White Mage? A thief was pretty self-explanitory… what was a Red Mage? What were these mage things?! What was their deal with colours!? A ranger…? That was one of those long-distance things… like archers. Yeah. But what was a mage? WHAT WERE THESE THINGS?!!?
"Kooouuuujjjjiiiiii-kuuuunnnnn!!!" Takuya whined, poking his friend in the shoulder. "C'mon and choose one or I'll choose for you!"
"…" Kouji twitched. He better choose, or else things could get pretty ugly. A Takuya high on sugar and not all there due to lack of sleep would result in a bad choice. "A white mage." He shrugged.
"Cooollll!!" Takuya grinned, bouncing forgetting at the moment as well just what a white mage was.
"Why do you want to play this stupid game anyway?" Kouji asked, grabbing the card titled 'information'. Didn't Takuya say they were for their character…? Whatever.
"My parents banned me from playing Final Fantasy XI for some reason… saying I never went to bed… tch… I did too… for an hour." Takuya said, bouncing around the room.
"You like Final Fantasy, don't you?" Kouji asked, not really paying attention. Healing? Cool, he could heal and Takuya coouullldddnnn'ttt… muahah… payback…
"Nah, I prefer Lineage really… so, let's start!!!" Takuya said happily. And thus… their own little screwed up version of Final Fantasy began!!!!
…Enter Imaginary Universe…
"Die you fiend!!! Muahahaha!" Warrior Takuya cackled, using his sword to slice up every single enemy in his path. He was wearing his usual clothes, except his hat was a helmet, and on his arm he had this strange armor he called an 'Escort Guard'. He also wore this really shiny green thing that he liked to call a 'Poison Ring'. Ever since he equipped it he never got poisoned… hmmm… also, the only Materia he bothered to use were the 'Added Effect' and 'Poison' ones. As the brunette went on his homicidal rampage that involved massacring all monsters in sight, Kouji leaned on his staff with a large sweat-drop. He also wore pretty much the same thing, except his blue jacket was now a blue cloak, his hair tie a ribbon (hey, he never got status effects because of it, so nyah), and he wore this weird bracelet thing. Whatever, it gave him more MP so it was all good. Did he mention Takuya not only killed a lot of monsters, he also ended up 'dying' a lot? Thank all things holy for Phoenix Downs and 'Life' Materia… Ethers were really nice as well.
"Takuya, are we done leveling up yet?" Kouji sighed. Yes, 'we'. Because Kouji got experience points for just standing there. Well he would, but because Takuya never paid attention to his HP normally Kouji would have to heal or revive him.
"A few more deaths! Muahahah! Die die die die die die die die!!!" Takuya laughed maniacally for awhile, and during this time Kouji flipped through the strategy guide. Nice… Temple of the Ancients… boss fight… Bone Village… Sleeping Forest… City of the Ancients… what's with this ancients crap? Oh yeah, Kouji turned out to be an Ancient, blah blah blah… hey now. WHAT!?!?!WAIT!
"TAKUYA!!!" Kouji bellowed, scaring the monsters away and startling the brunette.
"Hey… you scared them away…" Takuya pouted, sniffling.
"Why didn't you tell me the white mage was going to die!?" Kouji growled.
"Your going to die!? NOOO!!" Takuya wailed, and glomped onto Kouji. The 'white mage' then smacked Takuya on the head, knocking the confused brunette off.
"According to this! That's it, I'm changing my character…" Kouji grumbled.
"You can't do that! And where does it say you're going to die?" Takuya asked, scratching his head. Kouji thrusted the guide into the brunette's hand, who carefully read over it.
"WHAT?! A boss fight after you die!? I can't fight that thing by myself! There's no one to heeaaalll meeeee…" Takuya wailed.
"You don't care that I'm going to die!?" Kouji yelled.
"It's not like your dying in real life." Takuya stated, blinking.
"I bet if I did you'd say the same thing!" Kouji snapped.
"…you can heal people?" Takuya asked, tilting his ehad. SMACK! The brunette rubbed his swore head where Kouji's staff made a connection with his skull. "We can change that part you know. You don't HAVE to die."
"But it plays an important role in the game. See, look here…" Kouji said, skipping ahead a few pages and showing it to Takuya.
"Hey, you're right… so… we'll just let someone else get killed." Takuya said smiling.
"Like?" Kouji asked, tapping his foot.
"Me! I'll gladly die in your place." Takuya said smiling brightly.
"…I CAN'T FIGHT THAT THING BY MYSELF! Haven't you seen my attacks?! THEY SUCK!" Kouji hollered, scaring the poor brunette.
"Hey… that's mean." Takuya sniffled.
"All right… it's determined we need each other." Kouji sighed, rubbing his temples. "Who to kill, who to kill…"
"Aww, I didn't know you felt for me that way…" Takuya said, and yet again Kouji's staff met Takuya's now bruised skull.
"Hey guys." Kouichi said, smiling.
"AHH! Where the hell did you come from!?" Kouji and Takuya gasped together, having already jumped at least five feet in the air.
"Well, I came by to tell you guys that we were wrong… there is school today." Kouichi shrugged.
"We're skipping. Now, who to kill off?" Kouji mumbled, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
"Why are you killing someone off?" Kouichi asked innocently, not realizing he was no a participant in the game.
"Ah, if we don't kill someone else off Kouji is going to die." Takuya explained helpfully.
"What!? Are you kidding me!?" Kouichi yelped.
"Don't believe us, look yourself." Kouji shrugged, handing over the strategy guide.
"Oh, you meant in the game… oh, heh I thought you were talking about real life!" Kouichi laughed.
"No, sorry about that." Takuya said sheepishly.
"…Kouji, why did you choose to be Aeris anyway?" Kouichi asked, giving Kouji a funny look. "Is there something about you and Takuya I need to know?" Now it was Kouichi's turn to have his head meet Kouji's staff.
"He just wanted to be the White Mage." Takuya shrugged. "And she's the closest to a White Mage as we get." Takuya explained. "But he isn't Aeris. He's much more useful than she is." He said, nodding.
"In what ways?" Kouichi asked curiously, and again met Kouji's staff. "Oww… who does more damage, you or Kouji?!"
"I think I lose more HP from Kouji smacking me than from the monsters. Unlike the monsters though he heals me." Takuya said smiling.
"…I see." Kouichi nodded. "I'll gladly die for you Kouji!!!" He proclaimed, and met Kouji's staff. Again. "Oww… I need to be healed!"
"You don't even have a character, race or anything! You don't even HAVE any HP!!" Takuya said, waving his arms around wildly.
"Fine! I'll be a Tarutaru." Kouichi muttered.
"Isn't it so cute?!"
"Onii-san, you scare me." Kouji said shaking his head.
"All right! You kind of sort of play out Cait Sith! …yeah." Takuya nodded. "Wait… do you want to be a ranger, black mage, red mage…?" He asked.
"I wanna be a warrior." Kouichi said smiling happily.
"But I'm the warrior." Takuya pouted.
"Fine. I'll be a black mage." Kouichi sighed.
"Yay! I'm still the almighty warrior!" Takuya cheered, running in circles around the twins.
"Takuya, stop being adorable and stupid and help us figure out a way to prevent me from dying!" Kouji growled.
"…I'll level us up. You guys do the thinking." Takuya said, nodded, and wandered off to commit genocide on the monsters again.
"For… ugh, come on Kouichi… let's follow him, he forgot to bring Phoenix Downs with him…" Kouji sighed. Kouichi shrugged, and followed after. He then blinked as a mega phone appeared in his hand named 'HP Shout', and he got this pendant called a 'Star Pendant'. Unfortunately he had no armor, so his speed and evasion was raised by a lot very quickly.
"What are you doing?" Izumi asked, watching Takuya run around laughing insanely like some homicidal maniac.
"Leveling up!!" Takuya answered, slashing at monsters.
"…oh… kay… are you going to school?" She asked.
"No time for school!" The brunette.
"…can I play?" The blonde.
"Thief, red mage, ranger…? Mithra, galka…?" The brunette.
"A thieving mithra!!" Izumi smiled, doing a pose for the effect.
"That's nice. Be obsessed with Materia and you can be Yuffie in certain parts." Takuya said, attacking more monsters.
"Sweet." Izumi said grinning. She blinked as she obtained cat ears (what the skittles?), an over-sized shuriken, and a ribbon that tied her hair back. Shrugging, she began to help Takuya kill the monsters, making it a double genocide. Or something like that. Yeah.
"We have yet another new party member." Kouichi pointed out, and sulked when Kouji's staff decided it liked meeting Kouichi's head.
"Can we make Izumi the sacrificial lamb?" Kouji asked, earning sweat-drops.
"NO!! I am not going to be sacrificed!" Izumi growled.
"Well, we can't let Kouji die in the game. He heals us. That's useful." Takuya explained.
"Muahahahah! I am the final boss of the game making a surprise appearance!" Lucemon said laughing evilly.
"Ah, not again." Izumi whined.
"Don't worry. I'll fix this." Kouichi said smiling, then twitched. "Ack, I don't have any Materia! Argh…"
"I don't have a long-range weapon, I can't reach him…" Takuya said, pouting.
"I just joined, my level sucks." Izumi pointed out.
"You people…" Kouji rolled his eyes, summoned 'Knights of the Round', and knocked Lucemon out.
"HOLY SHIT!!" Takuya yelped. "How'd you get that!? We don't have a gold chocobo, let alone A chocobo!!!!" He gasped, pointing frantically at the summoned creature leaving.
"Gameshark." Kouji explained simply, dusting his hands off. He grabbed an ether, and put it to very good use. The others stared at him for the longest time… "Now, let's drag his body to the Temple of the Ancients, and while I pray for the Planet to be saved, blah blah blah, when the enemy comes from the ceiling to do me in, I move out of the way and you guys put this guy where I was. Understood?" They all nodded. "Good, let's go." And thus, they went. Wonder if in the actual FFVII you can use Gameshark? Hmmm…
"And uhm… Planet, while you're saving us be sure to convince everyone to think gay marriage is acceptable. Amen." Kouji ended.
"…have you noticed he was talking to the Planet as if it was Kami-sama?" Kouichi asked.
"I'm still trying to figure out why he wants gay marriage legalized… I could have sworn he was straight… ah well, it works out for me in the end." Izumi said, smiling.
"How so?" Kouichi.
"Me and Mimi, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!! First came lurve, then came marriage-" Izumi sang.
"Don't say the next line. I don't want to imagine you pregnant. That's just… ew." Kouichi said shaking his head.
"I happen to think a pregnant woman is very beautiful! It shows the process of life, and the strength of her character to be able to suffer for nine months through back pains, morning sickness, and cravings for food she can't stand." Izumi said nodding. Kouichi took a few steps away from her.
"Waiting to be assassinated… waiting to be assassinated…" Kouji sang, looking around with nothing better to do. Meanwhile Takuya was fiddling with the Black Materia, before accidentally dropping it. Yelping he tried to catch it before it fell all the way but… it hit the floor and shattered. Silence.
"…Takuya…" Izumi began.
"Did you just break the Black Materia!?" Kouichi yelled.
"Uh… no?" Takuya said shyly.
"…well, at least we have the White Materia to save the world." Izumi said, shaking her head.
"Izumi, if there's no Black Materia to use to destroy it, it defeats the purpose of using it." Kouji said shaking his head as he walked over.
"No gay marriage then?" Izumi asked, sulking.
"How am I suppose to know?" Kouji asked. "It had nothing to do with saving the Planet, and since Takuya just saved it by breaking the one thing that could destroy it… maybe? Who knows." He sighed.
"You WHAT?!!?" A voice yelled. They all turned around and saw… Seymour? …from Final Fantasy X? What the frick? He's in the wrong roman numeral!
"…uh, wrong game." Takuya called.
"Not really. Sephiroth is busy in Advent Children, and Kuja is off skinny dipping with his fangirls… and the fanboys that don't know he's a guy, and the fanboys that do know he's a guy." Seymour explained. "So I'm here! Because let's face it, I'll never die and stay dead."
"He has a point there…" Takuya said, and bit his fingernail.
"Now, the script says I have to kill the White Mage so that I can destroy the world… but it seems the warrior ruined the thing I need to destroy the world… although it's a good thing because everyone knows I get defeated forever in the end but… anywho, off to kill the warrior!" Seymour said, and took out a… sword? He carries a sword? Doesn't he use those really cool spells and summon the coolest Aeon known as Anima? What happened?!
"Eep!" Takuya meeped. It was fight a guy who wouldn't die, get worn out and die an honorable death. Or he could run away like a scared little girl and give up hope of ever being respected again… PRIDE! Pride wins! "Bring it on!" The brunette challenged, and thus the two got into a sword fight.
"…" The other three just kind of watched, not sure what to do.
"Okay… slight change of plans… one of you grab Takuya, the other throw Lucemon in the path of Seymour's sword! He can only kill one person, and he'll kill Lucemon so we'll finally be rid of him!" Kouji ordered. No one listened. "Takuya! Repeat what I just said to them!"
"Do what Kouji says!" Takuya yelped, discovering that Seymour was using a 'Deathblow' Materia. Scary…
"Yessir!" Izumi and Kouichi said, saluting him.
"Kouji, you save Takuya and you two have a special moment together so I can watch it, record it, and put it on the internet for everyone to download and gawk at!" Izumi smiled, grabbing Kouichi's hand and dragging him to Lucemon's knocked out body.
"…what the hell is she talking about?" Kouji asked no one, shrugged, and yanked Takuya away from the reach of Seymour's sword. Just as the sword was coming down, Izumi and Kouichi threw Lucemon at Seymour. Then the four ran away, finalizing the boss battle and plotting how to get to go about 'Disd 2', because they just finished 'Disc 1'.
"…Lucemon?" Seymour asked.
"Eh?" Lucemon blinked, finally conscious again.
"…I am your father." Seymour confessed.
"But Myotismon was my father…" Lucemon said, giving Seymour the third eye.
"No, you see… Myotismon was really your mother…" Seymour said. "Here, let me explain. When a daddy and 'daddy' love each other very much…" We'll spare everyone the misery of having to read the explanation.
…In the real world…
"Where the hell did that come from!?" Izumi demanded.
"I'm not sure." Kouichi confessed.
"Ah well… we done playing for now?" Kouji asked, stretching.
"If you want to stop, sure." Takuya shrugged.
"Okay… this story discussed lesbianism, religeon… sort of… err… not really, but any way… it also has implied mpreg… what's it rated?" Izumi asked, grabbing the video game this entire thing was based off of.
"T for Teen." Takuya said helpfully.
"You also forgot to mention crossdressing in that list." Kouji pointed out.
"I did? When did that happen?" Izumi asked, blinking.
"Oh, earlier before you or Kouichi got here… at this certain point, the main character or warrior had to crossdress to sneak into this lecherous guys place to save his friend…" Kouji began, but Takuya's fist finally got to make a connection with Kouji's head.
"We agreed to never speak of that." Takuya growled, twitching.
"Aww, Takuya wore a dress!" Izumi squealed.
"And lingerie, a tiara, perfume…AHH!" Kouji jumped, trying to escape but to no avail. He got tackled, and thus he and Takuya were rolling on the floor trying to kill each other.
"Kouichi! Quick! Pop popcorn, get two sodas!" Izumi squealed.
"Why?" Kouichi asked unsurely, heading for the door.
"Yaoi bondage! Go! Hurry!! I wanna eat while I watch!"
A/N: Wow. The result of lack of motivation (and writer's block… eheh…) has very scary results. Don't ask. I don't know. I've eternally scarred myself with this. –Rocking back and forth- Eww… SeymourMyotismon… eeewww!! –In desperate need of therapy- This was merely to show I'm not dead, and to say I'm trying VERY hard to update 'ITF'. Just having issues with it.-Looks at the writers block guarding it with Ruby and Emerald from 'FFVII'- ...T.T ...help...? -Casts reflect, barrier, and shell- This is going to be a quick battle... -Cries-