(A/N) This was brought about by being waaaay too slaphappy at a recent viewing of the Phantom film. Know that I am parodizing the FILM, not the stage musical or book. Also know that I mean no offense to the story or any of the characters therein. It's all in good fun.

The inspiration for the style came from a Dick and Jane version of Hamlet that one of my friends found online. Alas, I do not know the author. If you ever find it, read it. It's hysterical.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera or anything in it. I also am severely indebted to whoever wrote that Hamlet thing.

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This is Christine. Christine is a very pretty girl. She lives in an opera house.

Christine, where are you going?

"I am going to the stage," says Christine. "I am going to sing a song."

Christine sings a song. She sings a very pretty song. The audience is happy. Carlotta is not happy. Carlotta is a diva.

"Oh, oh. I do not like Christine," says Carlotta. "She is a stupid chorus girl. I also do not like my hat."

Raoul is happy. Raoul likes Christine. Raoul is a pansy.

Raoul, where are you going?

"I am looking for Christine," says Raoul. "I cannot find her. Have you seen Christine?"

Christine is not in her room. Christine is leaving.

Christine, where are you going?

"I am going to the basement," says Christine. "I am going to see the Angel of Music."

The Angel of Music is very happy that Christine sang a pretty song. The Angel of Music has known Christine for a long time. He likes her very much. He likes Christine very, very much.

Does he like Christine a bit too much?

Well…

"Oh, oh," says the Angel of Music. "I am the Phantom of the Opera. I wear a mask. I have a boat. Do you want to ride in my boat?"

"Oh, yes!" Christine laughs and claps her hands. "I want to ride in your boat. It is a funny boat."

Christine and the Phantom go to the Phantom's house. He has lots of candles.

"This is where I live," says the Phantom. "Do you want to live with me?"

"I do not know," says Christine. "You have a mannequin. The mannequin is very disturbing."

"If you stay with me, then we can make the music of the night," says the Phantom. "Wouldn't you like to make music like that?"

"Oh, no," says Christine. "I would not like to make music like that. You are creepy and old. It is illegal."

See Christine faint.

Faint, Christine, faint.

Now there is another opera. Carlotta will sing a pretty song. Christine will not. Carlotta is happy. Christine is sad. Raoul is sad. The Phantom is cross. The Phantom makes scary things happen.

"Ribbit," says Carlotta.

Christine is running up the stairs with Raoul.

"Christine, where are we going?"

"We are going to the roof," says Christine. "I am scared. Let us make out."

See Raoul and Christine make out.

See Christine's lipstick disappear.

"Oh, oh!" says Raoul. "I love you, Christine. Let us get married."

"I would like that very much," says Christine.

The Phantom does not like that very much. He is not happy. He writes a new opera for Christine.

"I do not want to sing this," says Christine. "It is bad. I do not like it."

"It is okay," says Raoul. "I will protect you."

Isn't Raoul silly? He forgets that he is a pansy.

Christine sings in the opera. She wears a skanky outfit. The Phantom comes onstage. He wears a black mask.

"Oh, oh," says the Phantom. "I am sexy. Do you think that I am sexy?"

"Oh, yes!" says Christine, clapping her hands. "You are very sexy."

"I do not think he is sexy," says Raoul. "I think he is a stalker."

But Christine is not listening to Raoul. She is singing a song with the Phantom. It is a strange song. It makes Raoul jealous.

See Christine have a minor orgasm as she sings.

See the Phantom grope Christine.

Grope, Phantom, grope.

Wouldn't you like to sing a song like that?

Christine takes the Phantom's mask off. The Phantom is very cross. The Phantom makes the chandelier fall down.

"Phantom, you are naughty," says Christine. "You have burned down the theater."

"I do not care," says the Phantom. "You are going to stay with me now."

"I do not want to stay with you, you silly Phantom," says Christine. "I want to stay with Raoul."

The Phantom is cross. But he will not hurt Christine. He likes her very much. He does not like Raoul. The Phantom ties Raoul to the gate. How funny Raoul looks, all tied up!

"You have to stay with me, or I will choke him with the rope because he is a silly pansy," says the Phantom. He pulls on the rope, and Raoul gags.

Gag, Raoul, gag.

Christine is very sad. She does not want Raoul to be choked with the rope.

"Boo hoo," says Christine. "I will have to stay with the Phantom."

Raoul is also very sad. He does not want Christine to stay with the Phantom.

"Boo hoo," says Raoul. "The water here is septic."

Christine kisses the Phantom. Christine kisses the Phantom for a very long time.

See Christine and the Phantom come up for air.

See Christine and the Phantom kiss some more.

Now the Phantom is very sad. He is having a breakdown.

"Boo hoo," says the Phantom. "I am lonely."

See everyone sobbing.

Sob, everyone, sob.

But it is okay. The Phantom lets Christine and Raoul leave in his funny boat. Raoul and Christine get married. They are very happy.

The Phantom has many fangirls. He is very, very happy.

See everyone keep singing all the time.

Wouldn't you like to play like that?