Wrote this a couple of months back, but never dared to post it up. So ya'll have compagnie/Hana J to thank for this crack!fic since she's the one who ordered yours truly to post it. ::grins:: She's my ego-booster, yo.
Crack warnings. Need I say more?
It was the hottest day in the summer and team seven had given up even pretending to train. Kakashi was happily hogging the coolest spot under the tree with his loyal orange book and his three students were sprawled somewhere behind him and trying not to melt from the heat. Heck, even Naruto was too hot to challenge Sasuke to a fight. It was, all in all, a rather peaceful scene and the last place you'll think of seeing Itachi striding out of the woods.
Because stride he did.
"Wha- Itachi? What are you doing here?!" Kakashi tried to stand but his muscles unfortunately, his muscles was still on strike from the heat and besides, its quite hard to stand when your jaw is on the ground.
"Family business." the Uchiha prodigy said breezily. "Don't worry I'm not here to kidnap Naruto and kill Sasuke or anything. Read away, Kakashi. By the way, that chapter's pretty good."
Kakashi looked on blankly while the missing-nin swished past him in a dramatic swoosh of black robes. Then, he decided Itachi was probably telling the truth and besides, he was never one to interfere in the hallowed halls of Family Business so he sank a little lower in his spot and continued his blissful quest of finishing the Never-Ending Orange Book.
Thus, it was in this way that Sasuke woke up.
First, the rather peaceful oblivion of black. Then a deep voice from the unseen oblivion shook him from his doze.
"Oi. Foolish little brother."
Hmm, our dark avenger thought with his eyes still shut, my therapist warned me of this. What was it again? Oh yeah. Rule One: Ignore The Voice.
There was a pause where a certain somebody, used to being shouted death threats at, could be said to be waiting for the explosive eruption of a certain foolish little brother. Which never came. Itachi tried again.
"Oi. Foolish little brother. This is important."
This time, a slight nudge in the side disturbed our young hero. Strangely enough, the therapist never said anything about Ignoring The Foot, but Sasuke bravely tried to withstand the onslaught of the Figments of his Imagination. A little sneaky suspicion was starting to grow though...
"Urm. Sasuke-kun? There's a man wanting to see you..."
Sakura could hear him, too? Sasuke's eyes snapped open and the deadpanned face of his older brother greeted him. His first words, you ask?
Itachi sighed. Really, you'd think someone who spent half his childhood trying to kill him would be better prepared. It was insulting, almost.
"Sasuke-kun?! What's wrong?! Are you alright?"
Ah yes, how sweet. His little brother had a sweetheart. Itachi made a mental note to torment his brother about the pretty pink-haired girl later. Just for future reference, you understand. Being the uncaring bastard was getting harder and harder these days, especially with all them fangi-- Itachi shuddered and forced himself to stop thinking about it. Misery is so much better when it is shared.
Talking about sharing, his brother seemed to have gotten over the initial shock. Itachi waited till his eyes narrowed, the chakra flared, the mouth open, then started to whip out his equipment before Sasuke could spea--
"ITS YOU! KAKASHI-SENSEI! ITACHI IS HERE!!"
Pink, black, and more black- all three heads turned to the source of the interruption. Itachi's eyes narrowed. Here he was, timing his moves out and with a disaster to share and some colour-blind orange suit kid jumps him. Oh wait, he was the Kyuubi kid. The Uchiha briefly considered a kidnapping scheme while Naruto spluttered and tried to drag Sakura away.
"SAKURA-CHAN! QUICK RUN AND GET KAKASHI-SEN--"
"Itachi!" Great. His little brother was back on his feet again. "I don't know why you're here but I swear this ti--"
Kidnapping? No time, too hot, the prodigy decided, and too difficult to feed.
"--ou won't let you get away wi--"
"Yes, yes," interrupted Itachi flippantly, and saved Sasuke's affronted look into his memory. Another little thing to remember his brother by. "You want to kill me yada yada yada. Well done," he added vaguely, and that seemed to cover everything. "But this is different. Pay attention, now."
With that, he swooshed back his black and red cloak (complimentary of the club) and pulled out his trusty Wireless Internet Laptop (with incredible wireless range) and flipped it open with a grand gesture.
The blank silence that followed was only broken by Kakashi giggling to himself somewhere behind the tree.
"Who," Sakura started slowly, "are you exactly?"
Itachi resisted the urge to bang his head on a wall. "Little girl, ask your boyfriend when I leave. Right now we have some bonding to do."
"WE HAVE NO BONDI--"
An open laptop thrust into Sasuke's face cut his outraged shouts off. He pulled it away and glared at the older version of him.
"I'm so going to kill you and avenge our--"
Itachi yawned. "Yes, yes. Good boy. You can kill me after you've read that."
After trying and failing to fry an unfazed Itachi with his glare, Sasuke's natural curiosity decided to take things in its own hands and forced the eyeballs downwards and onto the screen. Really, it was too humid to even move today, it persuaded the mind in honeyed tones, let alone try to kill someone...
Meanwhile, back in the real world, the other Uchiha was dying in the heat and trying to move closer to the shade without being too obvious. Damn stupid all-black cloak. He was suffocating. Itachi made a mental note to kill the idiot who--
"Why don't you come closer to the shade?"
The pink-haired girl gestured to him and while his mouth was opening to say coolly, "No, of course not; I'm perfectly fine", his legs had already leaped into the dimness in relief, dragging his over-heated body with it.
He nodded stiffly to the girl, pointedly ignored the yellow-haired kid edging his way round the tree, and tried to discreetly open his cloak a little to let some healthy air in. Ahhh... cool bliss, bliss, bliss.
"Aren't you hot in that? Why don't you take it off?" the girl asked ever-so-innocently. Itachi shrugged absently, more preoccupied with trying to find the perfect angle for getting the breeze in than anything else.
"Rolex industry." He supplied vaguely. ( ya wanna buy a… WATCH?)
Below him, his little brother was frowning as he scrolled down through the entries. Amazing; he'd expected more of a reaction- hell, he'd almost had a heart attack when he read the through the list and that was saying something. Unless, of course...
He prodded the younger Uchiha with his feet and was rewarded with a snarl. "Read it out."
Sasuke glowered but complied after a moment of inner struggle, since he'd no idea what he was reading and as we've covered, natural curiosity was an evil thing.
"Adult Fanfiction Archives," he read out dutifully, "First entry: Uchihacest galore! The time for Sasuke to kill his brother has come, but things doesn't go the way he's planned! R and R please lol! Second entry: Itachi times Sasuke. Sasuke has a midnight visitor and--"
Itachi's heavy sigh interrupted the droning and Sasuke turned to glare.
"Foolish little brother. You really have no idea what you're reading, do you?"
Sasuke's glare didn't drop in temperature, but natural curiosity screamed out some choice obscenities and he shook his head sullenly. "No. What the hell is fanfiction and uchihacest?"
The prodigy started to look depressed but was spared the pain of being the ahem, responsible adult that he was and giving his little brother The Talk (his fault it wasn't done sooner, really) by the pink-haired girl.
"NO! Don't tell him! You," She turned to Itachi and to his ever-lasting amazement, poked a finger in his chest. Going where no man has gone before. "You! You're Sasuke's brother, aren't you?"
The near-identical Sharingan heirs stared blankly at her. "Yes?" Itachi tried.
"Not now, though," Sasuke added quickly.
Sakura ignored both of them (once again, going where no man and hey, no woman have gone before) and ranted on. "Then you should be more responsible of your younger brother! Fanfiction and yaoi is," she blushed, "bad enough, but to introduce him to Uchihacest while he already has his own demons to fight with? Shame on you! Shame! How could you? Where have you been all these while?! You're his brother! Be responsible! Shame!"
Itachi tried not to let his jaw drop too far and from behind the tree, the muffled struggles of Naruto could be heard where Kakashi was trying to hold him down.
"You really haven't updated her, have you?" he hissed under his breath while the girl was distracted by the sounds.
"No time." Sasuke muttered back, "Will do tonight."
The pink-haired girl turned back and Itachi caught himself snapping to attention with his brother before he remembered who he was. Right.
He watched his sulky little brother at the corner of his eye and judged him to be sufficiently grown up to share the burden. Heck, if he had to suffer with the knowledge, Sasuke better suffer along with him.
"Foolish little brother," he started, then stopped. How did one start with explaining the horrors of the meaning of incest, let alone WHAT WAS WRITTEN ABOUT THEM ALL OVER THE NET DEAR LAWD NO PLEASE MAKE IT STOP TEH PAIN. Oh yes.
"This is probably the worst thing that has happened to you since... well. When I slaughtered the clan. But at least I had my reasons and no, you may not know yet. Good grief what ever happened to good old healthy suspense? You'll thank me for all this angst one day. Anyway, uchihacest means... fan girls write about you... me... get... you know... together... kinda... get busy thingy, heh… Urm. Er."
Genius of a clan of geniuses, Anbu Captain by age twelve, and reduced to mumbling by a simple act. Well, maybe not so simple. Itachi decided to spare himself the nausea of explaining what horrors were written about them (they were brothers for pete's sake. Sure Sasuke hates him now but was it possible nowadays for two siblings to have a perfectly normal hate-indifference relationship with no sexual tension attached? Apparently not.) and present it to his little brother, uncensored and wonderfully direct.
To the horror of Sakura, Itachi clicked on the first link, dropped the laptop on Sasuke's lap and proceeded to watch the his foolish little brother's innocence go down the drain. Oh yes, the joys of technology.
Poor, poor Sasuke.
By the end of the second paragraph, he was hyperventilating. By the middle of the third, the sharingan was glowing dangerously, and by the start of the fourth, Itachi wisely whipped his precious laptop out of his lap before a Katon no Jutsu could incinerate it. This was already the sixth laptop since he first stumbled across the site and really, there was only so many shops he could rob before the reputation got affected.
"Horrible, isn't it?" sympathized Itachi.
"It said we... we..."
"I know, I know." Itachi's eyes glazed over as his treacherous photographic memory brought back particularly explicit description. "I know."
"But I never... I don't... it... it..." Sasuke was starting to tremble.
Itachi nodded weakly, his own mind suffused in horribly graphic pictures. He could feel his lunch coming up. "They were very... descriptive."
The brothers shuddered simultaneously, forced the images from their minds, mentally locked them in a box, melted the key, and pretended it never happened.
"So," Itachi recovered. "Yes, so. Now I know for sure I wasn't mistaken when I thought there was nothing ah, sexual between us--" He took comfort in the gagging noises coming from his brother, " I will now leave you to whatever you were doing. Which, I note, was not training to become stronger."
He cocked an eyebrow at Sasuke's disgruntled face. "Not enough hatefulness, indeedy."
"It was too hot!"
The prodigy waved away the excuse. "Yes, yes, that's what they all say. Which reminds me."
The laptop got another melodramatic flare as it was whipped out of black-and-red cloak again, and Sasuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Really, and they told him that he was overdramatic? Runs in the family, that's for sure, and he pretended not to remember himself trying out new Uchiha Brooding Moves ™ just last night.
"You can have this now," his brother was telling him flippantly now. "I don't need it anymore and Kisame will just use it to search for sushi anyway, the cannibal." Then Itachi smirked, and Sasuke automatically bristled. "Actually, you and your team might have some fun with it."
Innocence wasn't something one connected with Uchiha Itachi, but right now his voice dripped with it as he said, "Here, let me show you…"
"Not adutfanficnet," Sasuke and Sakura said automatically. A disappointed look flashed past the prodigy's face, but Itachi recovered bravely.
"No, no, of course not. Here, here's another site…"
The state-of-the-art technology was thrust in Sakura's face this time, and before Sasuke could scream his usual death promises to his elder brother, Itachi's hands were already deftly forming the seals needed for instant-transportation-without-leaving-trails.
"Foolish little brother," Itachi started formally, hands a whirl. "If you want to kill me… hate, spite, and run and run and…"- the seal was almost done- "-ing on to lif-ah damn, you know the drill."
With that eloquent farewell, the missing nin and Class-A criminal of the Konoha village disappeared in a puff of ash smoke, leaving behind two blank-faced members of team seven.
A tousled Naruto appeared from the bushes with Kakashi ambling behind soon after, much to the delight of NaruKaka fangirls everywhere. "What's happening? Where's Itachi? Kakashi-sensei wouldn't let me go call for help…", the foxboy wailed.
Kakashi was happily oblivious to the blue-eyed glare sent his way. "Too hot," came the inane explanation.
But Naruto's attention had already worn out to its maximum of five seconds. "What's that, Sakura-chan?"
The kunochi had settled down on the ground with the laptop in front of her and Sasuke gingerly perched behind. The blond crowded behind, ignoring the heat radiating from the impromptu group-gathering and read out the first thing he First entry: The genins gets lost on a island and romance ensues! Will they find teamwork by reading underneath the underneath? R&R! SasuNaru, SakuGaara, InoLe--"
As the list rambled on in the stillness of the forest, Kakashi stood behind his team and nodded contentedly at the familiarity of the words. Jiriyia he may not be, but he still hoped his team would review the fic.
After all, it was his first fanfic.
please no flames lol plskthnx!
A/N: AHAHAHAHA! My first crack I dared post up! On a good note, I've also discovered a pile of unfinished stuff I had trashed previously when I dug this up.I might finish them and actually post them up since continuously trashing my fics may not be such a good idea after all. But then again, I'm also on a high. ::bounces madly::
Disclaimer for the crack: I never claimed to be sane, just human. And that should be warning enough. XD