Author's Notes: This fic is the result of a demented imagination (inspired by other parody writers)wondering what it would be like if the characters from works of fiction lived in their own strange little parallel universe, and were constantly being forced to star in fanfics of their original series. It is also, as should become obvious, a parody of numerous fanfiction clichés.

Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto et al and the property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request.

In The Land Of Broken Fourth Walls...

Asuka and Rei are stuck doing a new fanfic together, in which a new character replaces Shinji. Misato is off on holiday with Kaji, since neither of them have any fics to appear in for the next couple of weeks. Shinji is all alone...and you all know what happens if you leave a teenage boy in an apartment all by himself.

He surfs the Internet.

Neon Genesis Self-Insertion: Shinji Strikes Back

Shinji snorted with laughter as he watched yet another Flash movie about dancing crabs on It was so nice having the apartment all to himself for a change. Asuka usually hogged the computer to read Revolutionary Girl Utena yaoi when she was in, and it wasn't often she was doing a fic and he wasn't. Thankfully, on this occasion the studios didn't seem to be shooting fics back-to-back and doing one with him and Kaoru at the same time. He shuddered. Those fangirls were perverted...REALLY perverted! Their perversions disgusted him. Yes they DID! He blushed crimson and went in search of some decent non-slash Harry Potter fanfic to take his mind off showers and Beethoven.

He was soon so engrossed in Harry's Dead Sexy Goth Rawker Sister Falls In Love With Draco that he didn't even notice Pen-Pen emerge from the bathroom, peer at the computer screen, shake his head in disgust, and stomp off to his freezer.

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Krystyna shivered with delight as Draco took her hands in his, drawing them close to his breast. She looked up into his grey eyes, breathless with desire. His face was cold and hard and expressionless as always, yet still wrenchingly beautiful in its pale perfection framed by his shimmering platinum hair, and she saw the warmth of his passion in his eyes. Her black lacy skirts swirled as he drew her to him, their raven and silver hair mingling in the wind, and her heart fluttered like a nervous bird in her bosom.

"Krystyna," he said softly, his voice raw with never-before-expressed emotion, "Please answer me one question."

"Anything, Draco." she replied, her trembling, slender body encircled protectively by his strong arms.

Draco held her tighter, his long fingers pressing into her back through the thin material of her gown. "Krystyna," he said again, "Will you be my love and my soulmate?"

Pure joy suffused Krystyna's body at his words. Forgetting her demure modesty in her passionate excitement, she threw her arms tightly round Draco, pressing herself to him in a loving embrace. "Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!" she cried passionately. "I will be yours as you will be mine, forever and ever!"

The barest hint of a smile appeared on Draco's starkly beautiful face, and he pressed his pale lips to her ruby ones in reply. His black-feathered wings sprang out from his back and he leapt from the Astronomy Tower into the air. Krystyna unfurled her own wings and followed him, their hands still clasped. Together they flew through the crisp night air, magic and love driving them onwards as they reached toward the stars, and beyond.

Author's note: Next chapter is the LEMON scene, hehehehehe! Reviews always welcome.

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Shinji hit 'Back', scowling faintly. He'd be sure to check back at this fic in a few days, but something was irking him. "Why," he wondered aloud, "does a mean, sneaky little rotter like Draco Malfoy get five million fangirls chasing after him night and day when I don't? It's not fair! I'm an angsty teenage hero! I'm practically Mary Sue sympathy fodder!"

He ceased his ranting as a sudden idea hit him. He would have to be very careful...Asuka would be even more angry than usual this evening when she got back after hours of kissing up to some self-inserting god-boy, no doubt...but it was worth the risks.

"I mustn't run away." Setting his jaw, Shinji opened the word processor and began to type.

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Title: Evangelion: The New Girl

By: Angstboy1337

Summary: A beautiful new pilot appears. Will anything happen between her and Shinji? Read and find out!

"Hey Shinji, d'you know if they've picked a pilot for Evangelion Unit-05 yet?"

"Huh?" Shinji turned to look at Kensuke, frowning. The military otaku was leaning between their desks, his expression even more eager than usual. "Unit-05?"

"You hadn't heard? Damn, they don't tell you anything, do they? It was the same two years ago when Unit-03 was shipped over and you only found out Touji was the pilot when it got taken over by an Angel and you had to rescue him from inside it. Anyway, I found out they finally finished construction on Unit-05 in Germany and it's being sent over in a few days. Have they said anything about a new pilot?"

"No, no-one's said anything."

"Great, maybe they're looking for one! Can you put in a good word for me with Misato?"

"Um...."

"PLEEEEEASE?!" Kensuke put on a rather pathetic begging face.

"Well...OK, but I can't promise anything."

"Thanks, Shinji! You are indeed a true friend!" Shinji sweatdropped as Kensuke struck a 'heartfelt gratitude' pose. "So, when do you next see Misato so you can ask her?"

"Um...we have synch tests this afternoon, she should be there."

"Great!"

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"I think that's enough setup." Shinji said to anyone who might be listening - meaning himself, the now-asleep Pen-Pen, the two alcoholic mice who lived under the TV, Misato's Tuxedo Mask plushie and Asuka's giant-sized poster of Touga with his shirt off, which had always disturbed Shinji in a way he couldn't quite put his finger on. "The characters' contrived newly-legal ages are done...premise set up...the readers might be getting bored now. On to the good stuff!"

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NERV Headquarters, that afternoon

"Ah, good afternoon Shinji, thank you for joining us." said Ritsuko as Shinji arrived at the testing area. "We have a new pilot arriving today and we don't have a fourth testing plug set up yet, so we'll be doing the synch tests in shifts for the next few days. Rei and Asuka will be tested tomorrow, today we'll do you and the new girl."

Shinji shrugged acceptance. Nearly two-and-a-half years of synch tests had made the procedure grow increasingly tedious, particularly without any Angel attacks since the Thirteenth's possession of Unit-03. Any change in the routine was welcome, particularly as it wouldn't involve anything exploding or anyone dying.

Unless the new pilot was anything like Asuka, of course...

Heading downstairs to the pilots' changing area, he was about to enter the male section when he heard a voice say "Hello?" behind him in accented Japanese. He turned to look at the speaker...

...and was immediately struck dumb by the sight of the girl staring back at him. She was just his height, with long, flowing black hair that tumbled down her back in unruly waves and large dark eyes set in a pale, perfectly complexioned oval face, long black lashes lowered slightly over them. She wore a friendly, slightly mischievous smile, as well as an oddly archaic black dress whose lacy hem floated just above her ankles. The bodice clung faintly to her slender form in a way that drew Shinji's eyes, as did the flawless bare skin of her arms and neck. He gulped and hoped he wasn't blushing too hard.

"Hello?" the girl said again, before Shinji could get his voice working. "I'm..."

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Shinji stopped typing and thought for several minutes. Then he nodded to himself and resumed.

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"...Helena Blackrose, the pilot of Unit-05. You must be Shinji Ikari. I've been so looking forward to meeting you!"

Shinji found his voice at last. "Y-yes. I am. Hello." Looking forward to meeting me? Surely she must just be saying that...

Helena's smile broadened, and Shinji's heart skipped a few extra beats. "I've heard so much about you and..." She was interrupted by the klaxon going off, signalling that the synch tests would begin shortly. "Ah damn, we'd better get changed. See you later!"

"Yeah..." Shinji stared after her as she hurried into the girls' changing room with a swish of black skirts, then shook himself slightly and opened the door to his own changing room.

Some time later...

Deep in thought, Shinji finished buttoning his shirt. He hoped he hadn't left any LCL in his hair, showering and changing so quickly, but he was undeniably anxious to leave the testing area and see the new pilot again. He hadn't been able to see or talk to her during the test, since there was no video or audio link between the testing plugs to prevent the pilots distracting each other. However, he had heard her voice a couple of times talking to Misato and Ritsuko and the technicians, and had at least managed to gather that she came from England and had been training with Unit-05 for just under a year.

As he prepared to leave, he suddenly realised that his rushing had probably been wasted effort. Helena was unlikely to hurry her own ablutions on his account, and judging by Asuka at least, would probably take quite a lot of time over them. Especially with such long, thick hair...such beautiful hair. He blushed crimson as he realised that she was probably in the girls' showers right now, cleaning the LCL out of it...shaking droplets of water from the dark mane to rain down around her or run glistening down her skin...he flushed even redder and forced his mind away from the thought.

He was so absorbed in this arduous task that he failed to notice the knocking on the wall that separated the male and female changing areas. It wasn't until he heard a familiar voice calling his name softly through the partition that he stopped counting to a thousand in his head and trying to focus on icy cold mountain streams...streams...streams of clear water running down soft, curving...NO!

"Shinji?"

"Um, yes?"

"Could you come through here and give me a hand with something?"

"I, uh, wha? Pardon?"

"Don't worry, no-one'll see you. I just need some help with this."

"OK, just coming..." Shinji hurried out of the door and approached the girls' changing room with great trepidation (having been threatened with assorted cruel and unusual punishments by Asuka if he ever entered it). What could Helena want his help with?

I mustn't run away. He opened the door and entered.

"Ah, there you are. Do you think you could help me with these buttons?" Helena asked apologetically. "I can't seem to get this plugsuit off by myself."

Shinji just stood and stared. She was still clad in one of the adaptable Type H black-and-silver plugsuits, every contour on her body outlined with a glittering metallic sheen under the bright lights. Her hair was elegantly gathered into a thick braid, which she was holding up in an effort to get at the control buttons on the back of her neck.

Terrified of making himself look like a complete idiot, Shinji pulled himself together with a supreme effort. She was just asking

for help with unfamiliar equipment, that was all. He was a professional. He could deal with this.

"You - you haven't used the Type H suits before?" he asked, impressed at how calm he sounded.

"No - I trained on the Type E, which had nice logical fastenings down one side. This seems to have its seam on the back, and there's some sort of buttons here on the collar - but I can't for the life of me figure out how they work. I can't even find the inflation button so it'll stop sticking to me and making me feel like I should be standing in front of a webcam and making a lot of money."

Shinji actually managed to remain detached enough about that remark to laugh. "There's a knack to unfastening them - it's easy once you know it. You have to kind of push and twist the buttons at the same time - the left-hand one is inflation, the right-hand one unseals the seam."

"Could you do it for me, just this once? I'll practice before I put the bloody thing on again, once I'm not actually wearing it and I can see what I'm doing." She smiled and turned round, lifting her braid clear so he could see the buttons on her neck clearly. "Please?"

"S...sure." Shinji swallowed hard and approached her, very carefully laying one hand on her upper shoulder to hold it steady. The slick exterior of the plugsuit had already let the LCL drain away, and he could feel her warmth through the thin fabric, as well as smell a faint but pleasant sweetness through the sickly smell of the connection liquid. He carefully pushed and turned the inflation button with the index finger of his other hand, producing a hiss of indrawn air as the plugsuit expanded around Helena. She sighed in relief and relaxed slightly, causing her to lean back against his hands. Shinji swallowed.

"Thanks."

"That's the inflation...um...now the fastening button." He pushed and twisted this as well. "To unseal the back now, you just pull down the small toggle below the buttons." you do that for me as well? I just can't face squirming around trying to pull it right now."

Shinji swallowed again. "Um...sure. Here it is...I'll just..." He grasped the toggle between two fingers, intending to pull it down as quickly as possible and get away before his brain imploded.

"You have warm hands." Helena suddenly turned her head, craning her neck to look round at him, and placed her own still-gloved hand over his. "It's nice."

"Er...thanks." Shinji grasped the toggle and inched it down slowly, finding it would not move any faster. He could see the skin of her back now, as the seam opened up. His fingers brushed against it accidentally, and he had a brief sensation of softness before pulling away as if stung. Finally he brought the toggle down to her waist, which thankfully was as far as it would go. "There you are."

"Thank you so much, Shinji. Could you just unstick this thing from my shoulders? Sorry to bother you so much - I'll be fine once that's done, I promise."

"No! It's no problem, honestly. Um...shoulders...right." Shinji desperately laid his hands fully on her shoulders, which produced a slight shiver, and eased the plugsuit fabric down her arms, exposing more of her. She raised her hands to take the edge of the material from him, causing him to move his hands up again. He realised he was now resting them against her bare flesh, and jerked them away. She turned round, holding the opened plugsuit up and smiling.

"I can take it from here now, Shinji. Thanks for all your help. I'd have felt really embarassed dialling up the control room and saying 'Help! I can't get out of my clothes!'"

Shinji felt ready to spontaneously combust. "Um, no problem. I'd better go now..." He headed for the door.

Helena laughed musically. "Yeah, I charge by the hour for more than what you've already seen." He walked into a locker as all his higher brain functions simultaneously shut down, and she giggled teasingly again. "Kidding. I charge by the minute!" she added as he fled.

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Shinji mopped his brow as he finished the paragraph. He checked his watch. Rei and Asuka should be finished by now and the redhead would be back fairly soon, but he was on a roll. He decided to go and get something with a lot of ice in it then continue writing.

Meanwhile...

"That was awful." Asuka declared, hurriedly pulling on her blouse as she sat on one of the changing-room benches in Fic Studio Complex 9, her hair still wet from a very long shower.

"I agree," Rei said as she dressed with her usual unconcern in the middle of the room. "Today's fic's author must have an even more inflated ego than most. It is quite inconceivable that both of us would fall in love with his avatar at once, and even more so that neither of us should object to the other showing him affection. He was a very inept writer of kisses as well," she added parenthetically.

"You seem awfully emotional today."

"Contrary to popular opinion, I am neither a doll nor a raging sack of hormones begging for release."

"Yes, well...anyway, those were lousy kissing scenes, weren't they? I think my tongue still hurts from trying to do that anatomically impossible thing I was supposed to be doing."

"I believe I am experiencing physical discomfort too."

"The avatar's breath smelt as well - probably all that beer he was drinking - and he needs to watch where he puts his nose."

"Indeed. It was greatly inferior to Ikari's performance in our last fic."

"Yeah, well, he learned from a master." Asuka tossed her hair with a smug grin, having finished dressing.

"I will reserve judgement on that matter until the next time an author decides to pair the two of us off."

".....ah, sod it. You want to come back and raid Misato's liquor cabinet? We can tease Shinji about Hellstorm Evangelion and all those Kaoru slashfics."

"That would be acceptable."

"That's the spirit. Let's go, then."

Elsewhere, Shinji continued banging away...at the keyboard.