Warning: Sence of normality, structure and grammar patterns. Written by H-chan rather than myself, you see. Something about Lemon too. And drugs.

A Series of Highly Improbable Events.

By H-chan

"Anou…. Sasuke, you were there, weren't you? What actually happened?"

They three were arranged around Naruto's hospital room, Sakura sitting on the side of the bed, Kakashi in the visitor's chair, and Sasuke himself leaning against the wall beside the window.

The foxboy in question was lying comatose on his bed, IV plugs attached pretty much everywhere, breathing unevenly. Sasuke watched in silence, wondering how to explain the series of highly improbable events that led up to Naruto's hospitalization. And Kakashi-sensei was looking at him expectantly.

Well, he thought Kakashi-sensei was looking at him expectantly, but it was always difficult to tell…

"Well…" He began, uncharacteristically pausing mid-sentence. Kakashi's one visible eyebrow rose. Sakura gave him an encouraging look. It made him feel mildly ill. "You see…" Once more he hesitated. How would one explain this delicately? The short answer is that one wouldn't.

"He fell." He muttered lamely.

Kakashi's eyebrow rose even further. If this continued, it would separate from his face. "So… how does that explain the… internal… injury?"

Sasuke felt his face heat up. He hoped that he wasn't blushing. "He, uh… happened to have his pants down at the time…" He muttered in even lower tones. Really… that eyebrow was really going for the acrobatics this time…

"And… The medics said that he was in the closet at the time he… had difficulty breathing?" Kakashi prompted. Sasuke felt the barely-restrainable urge to make an 'in the closet joke', but refrained.

"Yes." He replied coolly.

"Sasuke-kun… why would Naruto be in the closet with his pants down?" Sakura asked with a quizzical look. Damn her.

"I don't know." Sasuke stared her down. Sakura blushed and looked away. That ill feeling intensified.

Sasuke's black eyes travelled from her flushed features over the barely-messed up sheets to the still form in the bed. The foxboy's banana-yellow hair was somehow even messier than usual, perhaps because he was sans forehead-protector. The obscenely blue eyes were closed lightly. His eyes flickered further downwards. Naruto was still breathing unevenly, his chest rising and falling in a rhythm not altogether dissimilar to the harsh, heavy panting of just a few hours earlier.

Sasuke jerked his eyes away from the blonde quickly. He did not need to be thinking of that at the moment.

"Sasuke?" Kakashi's voice broke through a split-second later. Sasuke looked back up at him. Gone was the raised eyebrow, replaced by the irritatingly knowledgeable look he often wore. That was not a good omen.

Sasuke grunted.

"Where were you at that time?"

What the hell? "Also in the closet. Also with my pants down."

There was the eyebrow again. Sakura was staring in mortification. Suddenly, it was worth sacrificing his dignity in front of his teacher.

"Uh-huh." Kakashi did not look particularly surprised. "And what, exactly, were you doing in Naruto's closet with your pants down?"

"I frequently masturbate in Naruto's closet." Sakura appeared to be having trouble breathing, also. That would certainly be something, putting both team-mates out of commission in one day. In two hours, even. Maybe she'd die.

"Really?" Kakashi murmured.

"Among other things." He replied, allowing Sakura's imagination to roll.

"And was this a key factor in the events leading up to Naruto-kun's unfortunate hospitalization?" their sensei asked with vague interest.

"Yes." Apparently 'Icha Icha Paradise' made it easier to deal with these situations…. Maybe he should invest in a copy himself.


Sasuke thought for a moment, considering his words. He noticed peripherally that Sakura appeared to have begun foaming at the mouth.

"Hmm. I've actually been ramming Naruto up the arse for the past six weeks. We ran out of lube, though, but… Naruto doesn't like to admit to things. So I nailed him anyway and he was rather… winded." Sasuke finished. Kakashi nodded to himself.

"I suspected as much since the first time he called Iruka to help pop his dislocated pelvis back into place." He paused. "You know, it's rather cruel to just get up and leave directly after sex." He flicked his visible eye towards Sasuke meaningfully.

"So?" Sasuke asked blandly. He sighed. Why should he expect Sasuke to be involved in a normal relationship?

Kakashi glanced towards Sakura, who was foaming at the mouth and having what appeared to be a seizure on the floor. He winced for her as she bashed her head into the IV stand, but she did not appear to feel it – deep as she was in her Sasuke-worship induced frenzy.

"Sasuke… Call the nurse for Sakura-chan." Sasuke strolled towards the door and called for a nurse. A busty blonde in an overly-tight uniform answered the call immediately and brought along a few larger orderlies to forcibly remove the thoroughly disturbed young women from the room.

When they were alone again, Kakashi gave Sasuke a serious look. "Sasuke, I'm disappointed in your lack of respect for your team mates." He admonished. "Please, even if you do have an extraordinary belief in your own superiority, make an attempt to treat them like human beings."

Sasuke nodded sharply. "Yes, Kakashi-sensei." He replied. Kakashi smiled faintly, although it was hard to tell.


"Really?" Sasuke asked. He was getting off pretty easily, after all.

"Yes… but do come around to my place this evening. I'd like to talk to you." He waved a hand and Sasuke left.

It did not take long for 'this evening' to roll around, and Sasuke approached his teacher's residence with the summer sunset.

He had only just raised his fist to knock upon the door when Kakashi opened it sharply. Sasuke was invited in, in short order and seated upon a tacky couch. Being a shinobi really didn't pay well enough when one included the medical bills.

It was after the first cup of… whatever it was… that Sasuke began to feel odd. Kakashi seemed to be eyeing him oddly, too. It did not take long – in fact, it was only after his second cup – for him to feel a little light-headed.

Kakashi reached over and closed his hand over Sasuke's, effectively stopping the cup from reaching his lips again. "I think that's enough, Sasuke-kun." He murmured softly. It was strange, but that hand felt… oddly nice. Cool against his fevered skin. He nodded, but continued bringing the drink to his mouth, anyway.

His teacher's hand closed against his lips. "Sasuke. Don't drink anymore of that." Sasuke looked across at the older man. And they were hanging in a single moment of time.

The hand actually felt nicer against his lips. Calluses from decades of handling weapons scratched lightly at his lips. He bit onto one long finger on impulse. Kakashi looked only mildly surprised as his finger disappeared between his student's lips.

Sasuke didn't really register that anything was unusual. Not even when the rough-skinned finger was replaced by a softer set of lips and Kakashi's weight settled above him. Really… it just felt nice. Kakashi-sensei had really soft lips, and really nice hands…

He was only vaguely aware that his teacher's hands were underneath his clothes; that his teacher's lips were ghosting over his skin; that his teacher's lean thigh was riding between his legs…

He arched into Kakashi's touch with a soft grunt. Kakashi took the opportunity to divest him of his shorts.

Sasuke wasn't aware of any preparation going on, but he noticed when his prostate was stimulated and he was forced to make a strangled noised that might have been a scream – provided it were allowed past his throat, which it was not.

A split-second before the world dissolved into burning pain, a rough, lust-drugged voice hissed into his ear, "A good ninja always makes sure his drinks haven't been tampered with, Sasuke-kun…" And then there was movement and more pain, but even that was not enough to counter the aphrodisiacs raging through his veins.

He got used to it, and as suddenly as the pain had come, the dull hum of pleasure crept into his mind. Then Kakashi shifted slightly, moved Sasuke's leg a little and thrust harder. Quicksilver heat exploded somewhere in his nerves and he allowed a soft noise past his lips.

Goddamnit, no wonder Naruto was so goddamn addicted to his cock.

Kakashi was making harshly-breathed sounds into his ear. The previously-rhythmic thrusts became erratic and faster. A breathy moan made its way into his throat. Pleasure was throbbing through his body. Vaguely, he was aware of sweat dripping from his skin in the faint heat of the lamplights and the rough friction of wandering hands and hard sex.

Sensation cut through his mind like a knife and he came violently, spilling semen onto his teacher's body as he lost control of his muscular reactions.

Kakashi growled softly into his shoulder and slammed in harder, again and again until the endorphins had worn off enough for it to burn before also coming with a soft grunt.

The release of hormones from male orgasm being what they are, both parties took the opportunity to crash atop one another and sleep like the dead.

They were not awakened until much later – five am, in fact – by a crash. Glass broke somewhere and both ninjas were wide awake, albeit distinctly under-clothed. The pair were still, wary as stalked prey, ears on the lookout for any noise.

There were footsteps and they were confronted by a truly frightening sight. Sakura stood in the doorway to the living room, disarrayed and scratched from her crash through the window and wild eyed. Fortunately for both males, her eyes landed on Sasuke's unclothed lower half, and she was immediately sent into another distinctly rabies-esque seizure whereupon she began howling and chewing on the carpet.

"Sasuke… Do you often have this effect on people?"

Sasuke shrugged. "It has happened before. Why?"

"Just curious." Kakashi muttered.


"Well… call the medics. She needs to be locked up."

"You're telling me?" Sasuke muttered, but did as he was told.

The medics, ever useful, picked up the frenzied fangirl in their big truck with the gundanium bars in short order and Kakashi and Sasuke stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

Finally, Kakashi spoke.

"I don't suppose you'd care for an encore, sans drugs?" He asked mildly.

Sasuke let his big, dark, 'come-to-bed' eyes rove over the lean form before him hungrily. "Oh, I thought you'd never get around to asking..."