One not-so-fine morning on the first of September, Harry Potter awoke to a dreary room in a dull house on a bland street in a boring subdivision. But this was not the Harry Potter that most readers know and love; this was fan-fictional Harry, any good book's worst nightmare. Fan-fictional Harry was well built and muscular from long hours of broom flight, and his messy, unkempt black hair had suddenly become well groomed and shiny with just the right amount of shagginess.
He quickly hopped out of bed, throwing on a somewhat too-tight t-shirt, even though his clothes all used to belong to Dudley and were much too big. Harry put on his glasses, which were no longer nerdy, but stylish; he finished getting dressed in his stylish pants and Italian leather shoes, and walked down the stairs where, normally, he would eat a hearty breakfast, which he would prepare for himself and his abusive distant relatives. Of course, despite that prior to now the Dursleys only treated Harry with general unkind, aloof disinterest, they were at this time horribly abusive, beating, berating, and generally harming Harry any chance they got.
This morning, however, rather than fixing breakfast for his relatives, he merely packed up his broom, and illegally flew himself to King's Cross, which any reader knows will blow up in his face later in the form of more physical abuse.
Upon arriving at King's Cross, Harry was immediately and without explanation already boarding the train. He had also not brought Hedwig, because, as a non-human character, she provided little to the many twisting Romantic subplots that take precedence in Harry Potter's Fan-fictional universe. Bringing his trunk with him to the doors of the train, Harry boarded slowly and made his way to the back of the train where he and his close friends usually sat.
However, upon arriving at this compartment, Harry was astounded by what his eyes perceived. Fan-fictional Ron, who had formerly been tall and gangly, was suddenly muscular, lean and tan, as Harry had become, despite the fact that red haired people are prone to freckling and do not tan well. Additionally, Ron's hand-me-down clothes were a thing of the past. He was wearing the hottest new styles of 2005 even though it was the late 1990's, and he seemed to be a walking advertisement for such brands as Abercrombie and American Eagle, both decidedly American brands.
The most shocking changes, however, had occurred in Fan-fictional Hermoine. Once a book-smart, plot essential character, Hermoine had become a buxom, beautiful, blonde with perfect curves, and gorgeous features. Her hair, once bushy and brown, had become sleek, shiny, and stereotypically blonde. She had also become overzealous in the application of make-up, no doubt with the help of her American cousin, an institution all female characters had just in case they were ever in need of a fashion overhaul. Hermoine, too, wore clothing much too small for her new figure that would have violated any school's dress code under normal circumstances, but the Hogwarts dress code is apparently very relaxed if you are perfectly proportioned.
As soon as Harry had put his eyes back in, he turned to Ron with a pleasantly surprised, but quite confused look on his attractive face. Ron returned the confused look, and shrugged his shoulders before turning back to face Hermoine. Ron gave Hermoine his undivided attention, because if he didn't, there would be dire consequences. Namely, there would not be enough romantic tension to create a dramatic romantic subplot later on, in which both Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy publicly confess their love for Hermoine, and Hermoine is forced to choose between the boy who has been nothing but cruel to her for six years, and her best friend.
After Harry's random thought process had ended, the wheals of the train had begun to turn, so Harry, Hermoine and Ron all sat down together in the train car, asking each other questions about their summer break. The tone of the conversation changed, however, when Harry spoke the words on everyone's mind.
"Wow, Hermoine, you're not unattractive anymore!" Harry said in a most over exuberant tone.
"I know, isn't it grand? I decided to trade in my intelligence, wit and plot-importance for cheap good looks and an easy smile. I've noticed, however, that lately I've had the compulsive need to giggle. Isn't it swell?" Hermoine giggled with glee, twirling her golden blonde hair around her well-manicured fingers.
However, Hermoine would not be giggling for long. While the trio sat in the back of the train, a beautiful, mysterious girl whom none of them had ever seen before burst through the door. She had bright blonde hair and purple-blue eyes, and was decidedly more attractive and shapely than the almost perfect new Hermoine.
The more attractive blonde walked through the door and cooed softly, "Can I sit in this compartment with you? All of the other compartments are conveniently full."
"Sure, but who are you? I have never seen you before in my life, and there is no logical explanation for your presence." Harry scratched his head in bewilderment.
"My name is Mary Sue!" she replied gaily, "I'm an embodiment of everything the average 12 year old girl most fondly wishes she could be. I'm beautiful, popular, smart, kind, an animagus, a master of the entirely made up, 'Specialus Magicus,' and I love baby animals. I'm also a transfer student from America, despite the fact that Hogwarts has never accepted transfers before, and now would be a very dangerous time to start considering the current crisis with Voldemort. However, the reason I'm here really exceeds logic, except that I am here to provide Harry with a new love interest. Well, also to create a love triangle between Draco, Harry and me, and in choosing the one I love most, fulfilling some random prophecy that makes absolutely no sense out of context, and very little in context. I also have a dark secret that you will never discover until the inopportune time I choose to reveal it to you." Her words were followed with silence. This was the sound of two key characters being ignored.
"I was supposed to be the attractive blonde who creates an annoyingly repetitive love triangle that ends up with me winning over the bad boy's heart, and his deciding to join the Order and save the world." Hermoine pouted, slumping over in her chair.
"Sorry, you and Ron will have to grow up, get married, and have more children than the old woman who lived in a shoe." Mary Sue responded in a sympathetic, soothing, silky voice.
"No! Please, not that! Anything but that!" Hermoine erupted into tears, as Ron reached over and tried to comfort his bride to be.
"Now that we've become acquainted, Harry, I'll need to catch up with you later so that I can reveal my deep dark secret to you and Malfoy each in turn; get sorted into either Slytherin of Gryffindor, and definitely not Hufflepuff; but I'll meet up again with all of you in the Great Hall. Right now, I need to scout the school for someone almost as perfect as me to become my best friend, and the girlfriend of whichever boy I dump." Mary Sue winked at Harry and left Harry, Hermoine, and Ron alone in the compartment.
The group pulled into the train station after what seemed like about fifteen minutes, because the fan fiction author could not create dialogue that lasted any longer. Harry sighed wistfully; even though it had only been fifteen minutes, Harry was already able to tell that this would be an interesting year.