A/N: Big thanks to Ben Plante for requesting this! We didn't really follow exactly along your exact request, but we hope you like it anyway!
Sasuke hobbled through the woods after his recent defeat over Naruto. However, he didn't really consider it a win. He thought about Itachi and decided that he would defeat him in his OWN way.
As he stumbled into the darkness of the forest, he suddenly heard something moving in the bushes. He stopped and turned around.
"Ah, Sasuke!" exclaimed a voice as it leapt out of the bushes. "It seems you have subconsciously made your way to Orochimaru's lair! That shows that you REALLY wish to serve him!"
Sasuke eyed him suspiciously. "And you are…?" he said.
"You don't remember me?!" gasped the person. "It is I, Kabuto!"
"Oh yeah." Said Sasuke. "I remember how awful you were in the Chuunin exam."
Kabuto's eyes flickered. "I was just pretending because I am secretly evil." Kabuto said with a feh.
"Yeah right." Said Sasuke. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and train to kill my brother and avenge my clan."
"No, no, no!" said Kabuto as he put his arm around Sasuke and led him in the other direction. "I'm taking you to Orochimaru's lair so you can attain TRUE powers in order to kill your brother and avenge your clan!"
Sasuke continued to follow Kabuto. "I guess…" he said slowly.
The two of them pressed through the forest for a few minutes.
"And here we are!" Kabuto announced as they reached a little shack in the middle of a clearing. Sasuke paused and stared at it.
"Wait, you're serious?" he said. "This is Orochimaru's lair?"
"Yes." Said Kabuto. "Don't be deceived by its outward appearance. You should see the bathrooms. I tiled them myself."
Sasuke still didn't exactly know how to react.
"Hark?" said Kabuto, putting a hand to his ear. "What's that I hear? Could that be Orochimaru coming out to greet us?"
Sasuke watched as the front door of the shack opened up. Then, slowly, Orochimaru's figure came into view as he trudged forward towards them as if he couldn't really walk all that well. Sasuke was immediately disgusted by Orochimaru's appearance and didn't bother hiding his disapproving expression as Kabuto only stood there, watching happily in admiration.
Abruptly, Orochimaru stopped. The two of them waited.
Then he began to fall forward. Just when it looked like he was going to do a face plant into the ground, he tucked into a somersault and stood up with his arms stretched out as he stood back up.
"TA-DA!" he exclaimed.
"WONDERFUL!" yelled Kabuto as he clapped his hands in such a fashion that suggested Orochimaru had just become Miss America.
Sasuke only gaped.
"If THAT didn't impress you I don't know WHAT can!" said Kabuto to Sasuke as he continued to clap.
"Welcome to my evil lair, Sasuke." Said Orochimaru as he strode over to Sasuke and Kabuto and began leading them to the shack. "I know you have desires to kill your brother. Well, you and I are very similar because I have desires to take over Konoha village."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "How is that similar?" he asked.
"Which is why I'm going to reveal my secrets to you." Said Orochimaru, ignoring him completely as he reached behind his back and pulled out a top hat and cane.
Kabuto bounced with excitement as Orochimaru reached for the doorknob. Sasuke suddenly didn't feel like this was such a good idea anymore.
"Hold your breath." Said Orochimaru.
Kabuto took a deep breath in and Sasuke looked at him questioningly.
"Make a wish." Orochimaru went on as he lowered his voice and bent down to Sasuke's level. "Count to three."
He flung open the door to reveal the inside of his shack. There was a river of chocolate flowing right down the middle of it and trees growing out of the floor that showered giant gummi bears and gumdrops. The colors were bright and fluorescent and a candy cane seemed to pop out of every place that wasn't otherwise occupied by some other large chocolate or candy mushroom. The path running down the middle of it all formed a bridge across the river of chocolate and flowing in the river was a large boat with little teeny men rowing and steering it.
Bells seemed to ring as Sasuke stepped inside this wonderful and crazy world. He looked up at Orochimaru who was looking at it with great pride and, as he led Sasuke down the huge flight of golden stairs to the very heart of his amazing chocolate domain, he started…to sing.
"Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination! Take a look and you'll see into your imagination!" Orochimaru began as he swung his cane and skipped down the steps.
"Isn't Orochimaru's lair GRAND?" Kabuto wished to Sasuke who was still in awe.
"And you were talking about the BATHROOMS?!" Sasuke demanded, looking back at Orochimaru who had been singing in the background.
"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it—"
"WAIT!" Sasuke interrupted as the music stopped.
Orochimaru looked a little miffed that his song had been interrupted, but he was willing to stop in order to find out why Sasuke needed to know something so badly.
"What is it, Sasuke dear?" he asked, putting a hand under Sasuke's chin.
Sasuke slapped it away. "THIS is your lair?" he said.
"Why yes." Said Orochimaru.
"What were you expecting?" Kabuto asked.
Sasuke paused and looked around once again. "Not…" he started as he watched the little men with orange faces paddle around in the river. "…THIS."
"Well, for now we'll skip the introductory song and just head straight for the base of my lair so we can get down to business." Said Orochimaru with a sigh as he went over to the river of chocolate and snapped his fingers. Immediately, the little men paddled over.
"What are you waiting for?" Kabuto urged, practically throwing Sasuke into the boat and then getting in himself.
"Where are we going?" Sasuke said as they paddled into a dark tunnel. He looked longingly back at the chocolate room.
"To my factory." Orochimaru replied.
Sasuke gulped. "Factory?" he repeated.
"Yes." Orochimaru said as if it was obvious. "Didn't anyone tell you that I like to run experiments?"
Sasuke shifted in his seat uncomfortably.
"Yes…" he said.
"Well, that's where we shall be going." Orochimaru said as they reached the end of the tunnel and came into the light once again. The three stepped out of the boat as the little men paddled off.
Sasuke observed the single doorway they were faced with. The sign said, "Factory".
"So um…this is your factory where you run your experiments?" Sasuke said.
Orochimaru leaned on his cane. "Yup." He said. "But you have to promise not to tell anyone about what exactly goes on in here."
Sasuke wasn't about to promise anything.
Kabuto pushed open the door and Sasuke was led into a room that glowed with white paint. The men with orange faces and green hair were bustling about stirring pots and working machines.
"Wait…" Sasuke said, looking into one of the pots to see what looked like soup. "I thought you did HUMAN experiments."
Orochimaru laughed as he picked up an enormous ladle and dipped it in the soup substance. "That's something I did in my adolescence." He chuckled. "But if you do it once, you're branded for life. Now I work on other sorts of experiments."
"What sorts?" Sasuke asked.
Orochimaru took a sip of the soup and let out a loud yell.
"What?!" Kabuto asked as Orochimaru took off his jacket and threw it into the mix. "What's wrong?! Too hot?!"
"No!" said Orochimaru, stirring vigorously. "Too cold! Too cold!"
Sasuke sort of backed off as Orochimaru spun around and held out two fists.
"Pick a hand." He instructed.
Sasuke hesitantly pointed at the left hand.
"Aha!" said Orochimaru. He opened his hand to reveal a star shape of many different colors perched atop his palm. "This is for you."
"What's that?" Sasuke asked, taking it.
"It's an Ever Lasting Gob Stopper." Orochimaru replied. "It lasts forever. You can suck it and suck it and suck it but it'll never get smaller. Never."
"…Okay…" Sasuke said slowly.
"Hey, YOU wanted to know what sort of experiments I ran." Said Orochimaru as he gestured for Sasuke and Kabuto to continue to follow him.
They exited the Factory to be faced with a plain room wallpapered with different fruit.
"This is my flavored wallpaper." Orochimaru said. Sasuke blinked, but didn't know how to respond to that. "Go ahead, have a taste. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The apples taste like apples. The snosberries taste like snosberries!"
"I'm…not going to lick the wall." Sasuke said frankly.
"Oh come now." Said Orochimaru. "It's delicious."
"No…" Sasuke said, shaking his head.
Orochimaru sighed. "Sasuke, do you not trust me?" he asked.
"No." said Sasuke.
"Why?" Orochimaru asked.
Sasuke figured that his glare was explanation enough.
"Well, I can see that there's only one way to gain your trust." Said Orochimaru as he led Sasuke and Kabuto into a very small room with buttons all over the walls.
"What's this?" said Sasuke.
"It's an Orochivator." Said Orochimaru.
"Like an elevator?" Sasuke asked.
"Yes, except the Orochivator can move in all sorts of crazy directions." Said Orochimaru. "I don't have to give you examples, do I?"
"No, I'm good." Said Sasuke.
"All you have to do is press one of these buttons." Said Orochimaru. "Any one of these buttons and ZING! You're off! And I've pressed everyone one of them. Except…"
He pointed to the huge red button right by Sasuke's head.
"That one." Said Orochimaru.
Sasuke leaned over to press the button. Then he paused and looked back and forth at Orochimaru's eager face and then at Kabuto's eager face.
Slowly, he lowered his hand.
Orochimaru and Kabuto looked at him curiously but both were ill prepared when Sasuke suddenly darted out of the Orochivator faster than the speed of light.
"This was just about the most messed up thing I have ever seen…" Sasuke said to himself as he plowed through the Factory, finding the closest exit.
"Damn!" said Orochimaru, throwing his top hat on the ground and stepping on it. "Why does everyone hate me, Kabuto?"
"I don't hate you Orochimaru." Said Kabuto. "Any time you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here."
"Oh thank you, Kabuto." Said Orochimaru as he buried his face in Kabuto's shoulder and broke down into tears. Kabuto pat Orochimaru's back and whispered, "There there…"