This is humor. Maybe I should capitalize it all so that you understand.


Thank you.

Dedicated to the ever-lovely Angel White, because she won't post up a new piece of art because of spoilers! Bah on spoilers I say! -dodges the sporks-

Once Upon A Tomato By: Kitten Kisses

"Anime stole my car, yo."

-Random guy (who signed a petition against anime with these words. As a joke.

The sun shone blisteringly hot over the small village of Iselia. It was mid-summer, and the adults of the village were plucking ripe vegetables from their vines for canning, while the school children played close by, under their parents' watchful eyes.

Genis and Lloyd had decided to play a game. However, the two boys hadn't figured out what game. So, while they pondered on what sort of game they would waste the evening with, they plopped themselves down in the soft grass beside the Sage's front door.

With a newly rebuilt house (thanks to the combined efforts of Lloyd, Kratos, Regal, and Zelos), Genis and Raine now had a place to sleep, for which Genis was very thankful. Lloyd, on the other hand, still lived with Dirk out in the middle of nowhere, far away from civilization.

But he didn't really care. Especially since Raine and Genis had both started a garden full of…tomatoes.

And Lloyd did not like tomatoes. When he slept, he could nearly picture them howling their battle cry as they rushed at him, splinters of wood held in their outstretched hands. And the thought of the red devils plaguing his best friend's garden had him afraid.

Afraid for Genis' safety.

What if…

No. He didn't dare think of it…

Too bad, so sad. It was too late…

He had already pictured the horrific scene he had dreamt about the night before. In his nightmare, he had skipped up the steps to the Sage's yard, humming merrily all the while for no reason except that he hadn't completely failed his Chemistry test. A D minus was still passing, right?

But, as he pulled open the gate, time seemed to slow, his eyes able to focus on nothing but the scene in front of him.


And Genis… sprawled out in the middle of his wee little garden, surrounded by tall green plants…

And covered in red.

Tomatoes laid scattered hither and yon, dotting the earthy soil with a horrific display of color.

Genis had fought bravely before succumbing to defeat…

But then, he had awoken, sweat dripping down his face. And he knew that it had been just a dream…

Just a dream…

Just a d---nightmare.

And he hadn't gotten back to sleep for the rest of the night… Thanks to the R-rated graphic detail of the dead plants… The image plagued his mind, day and night, day and night…

And today, he would prove his nightmare wrong! He would stand against it! And he would sleep peacefully!

And he wouldn't have to worry about Genis dying on him, either.

A grin covered his face as he leaned against one of the support beams. The grin spread the more he thought about getting a restful nights sleep.

"Lloyd… what …Lloyd! What are you grinning so stupidly about?"

And Lloyd opened his eyes, all thoughts of restful slumber suddenly thrown into disarray.

"What's your problem?" Genis asked, getting impatient with his friend.

But Lloyd wasn't looking at Genis… Instead, his eyes were riveted on the object Genis had in his left hand. It was round…and…red… and it had beady little eyes… And a bite was taken out of the side.

Genis had fought bravely

Shoot. Genis seemed to be just starting his fight. Now, if the half-elf would just keep tearing at the reddish flesh, then he might have a chance.

"Lloyd." Genis tried his best not to smack himself in the face. "It's a tomato. Tom-aye-toe. Tomato."

"Evil…" Lloyd whispered.

"Tomatoes aren't evil, Lloyd. Abyssinian was evil. Tomatoes, on the other hand… are not."

Lloyd watched in horror as the young mage slowly pulled the food closer to his mouth. Time seemed to slow as he reached out a hand to smack the tomato away from Genis' face. "I won't let you kill my friend!"

Genis watched sadly as his tomato hit he dirt. Well, he could always get another… "What didja do that for?" he whined, obviously annoyed.

"It was going to kill you, Genis… It had its mouth open, fangs spurting poisonous venom… I saved you!"

"Wha?" Genis pinched himself slowly, just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming something so stupid.

"Hi Lloyd, Genis!" Colette called cheerfully, practically bouncing over to them. "Whaddaya guys up to?" Cocking her head to the side, she studied Lloyd. Who looked almost as if someone had eaten the last bowl of porridge. Which happened to be his.

"Oh… Hello Colette…" he picked up his hand to wave at his childhood friend, and paused. "Ahhh!" Falling to his side, he grabbed his hand in agony, watching the red liquid running down the side of his fingers.

"What's the matter, Lloyd?" Colette asked, worriedly, rushing to his side.

He looked up at her, sorrow written all over his face. "It… it got me, Colette…"

Genis rolled his eyes, trying to pretend that he didn't know the brown-haired boy beside him. Better yet, he had never seen him before. Standing up, he took his leave to find another tomato to satisfy his hunger.

"What got you, Lloyd?" Colette nearly shrieked, worried deeply for her best friend.

Genis slapped his palm against his face as he shut the door behind him. Maybe he would have to change his Science Fair Report… Maybe some people were born as complete psycho's…

"…." he gasped for breath. "That…" His words held such emotion… Sorrow, hate, hurt, desperation… He pointed toward the now half-squished fruit on the ground.

"A tomato?" Colette asked, an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

He nodded weakly.

"But Lloyd… It's just a cute little red, round piece of food…" She started to walk over to the red fruit, but Lloyd grabbed her ankle, staring up at her with wide eyes.

"Don't touch it…" he warned, his voice low. "Its fangs are poisonous…"

"It's a tomato… It can't hurt anybody…" Continuing on anyway, despite her friends warning, she crouched down to pick the limp fruit up. "See Lloyd? It's not going to hurt you… Are you, Mr. Tomato?"

Stepping over to the boy who still lay sprawled across the ground, she smiled softly. "See? He's harmless," she insisted, pushing it closer to Lloyd's face.

"Can't you see it?" he asked her, fearfully. "The beady little eyes, the sharp, venomous fangs… the little wooden sword…"

"Uhmmm… not really…" Colette studied the tomato. "Are you sure you're not seeing things? Cause I don't see anything…" Pushing it closer to the brown-haired youth, she smiled. "Just…touch it… You'll see…"

"You can't make me!" he shouted, raising up a hand in defense.

"But, Lloyd…" She poked her finger near the dirt encrusted bite-mark in the tomato.

"No!" Lloyd lunged, using what he believed to be the last of his strength. Knocking the tomato to the ground, he pounded it with his fist, feeling a satisfying squish every time his fist made contact with the demon's red flesh.

"Hey Lloyd!" Genis called from the doorway, another tomato in hand. "Stop beating the crap out of that tomato. What did it ever do to you?"

"It killed my best friend!" the swordsman yelled, turning to look at the young half-elf standing a few feet away. "They killed my friend!"

And Lloyd jumped to his feet, running at Genis with all that he had. "I'll save you, Genis!"

Colette slowly moved toward the gate, and, eventually, she found herself running away from her now-deranged friend.

'I need a new best friend…' she decided, half to herself. 'How about…Zelos! Yeah, he seemed really nice…'

Genis dropped the tomato like a squishy rock, darting inside the house, and locking the door.

Raine smiled softly as she opened the gate to her yard. It had been a wonderful day… Nobody had failed their Chemistry test… even Lloyd had passed! Barely, but still… It nearly made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside…

Students getting good grades…

Stone tablets…

But as the gate opened in front of her, all she could utter was, "What the-?!"

Lloyd stood in the middle of her garden, yelling his 'battle cry', and beating the crap out of her precious tomato plants. "I got you now! Bwahahaha!!" he roared. "That's what you get for killing my best friend, you evil fiends!"

And the gate shut again as the schoolteacher decided that…maybe it was time to go and start planning out assignments for her students…

For the next forty years or so.

Kratos peeked over the edge of Derris-Karlahn, watching the …scene below.

His eyes slowly shifted around. Left…right…left…

Satisfied that nobody could see him, he rubbed his hand against the back of his head… "I guess I should have told Anna when I dropped him that one time…"

Good grief. You can't get any more random than this. Really. I have no life. Otherwise, why would I have spent from 12:30am to 1:30am writing something so… unnecessary. But I got the idea while I was trying to sleep, and I bounced right back out of bed.

I know it wasn't really that funny, but hey… at least it's not full of…spelling errors…and grammatical errors… and…stuff. Hah. OOCness? Yes. There was that. -shifty eyes-

Review for me, will you?


I have a LJ now, too. –blames it on AngelWhite- My name there is ZebraRaine, if you want to add me. If not, you're certainly not hurting my feelings any.