Tears that never fell
SPOILERS: I don't know exactly which episodes, so everything before Divide and Conquer.
SEASON / SEQUEL: Divide and Conquer (s4e05)
CONTENT WARNINGS: Swearing.
SUMMARY: Sam's inner reactions following the events in "Divide and Conquer".
For the ones who don't have a clue what had happened on this episode:
SGC may have a za'tarc (victim of Goa'uld mind control) among them. A new Tok'ra detector could have been useful except that Carter and O'Neill were unconsciously lying thus making them be suspected. After opening finally their heart, it appears that none other than the Tok'ra Martouf could be the "traitor".
The fic follows directly the end of the episode. If you're not familiar with terms like Tok'ra, Goa'uld, or don't know who Martouf is... Go watch the episodes or visit this great site,
STATUS: Standalone but WIP Series.
ARCHIVE: SJD, Abydos Gate, SJNC17 archive, yes
DISLCAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and the places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is angstier than the previous one. If you didn't read "Doomed" my previous fic, you will miss something for sure. Anyway, I just feel that Carter character doesn't have the attention nor the right personnality she deserves unlike characters like O'Neill and Daniel. So I wanted to giver her just that.
My soul was weeping.
My soul was weeping and I didn't understand why.
I... I couldn't understand.
Is there really a thing that I can't understand? Obviously, there is!
I never thought
it could happen. I had always been able to know, always. See through
these restless thoughts that were uprising, dancing and dying in my
I had always been able to look at the depths of my being.
I don't recognize myself.
It wasn't me. It wasn't me lying on the cold ground gripping tightly to the body of this man that I didn't really know. It wasn't me with this blank gaze rocking on the floor.
It wasn't me. How can this be me?.I don't recognize myself.
Part of me could still analyze the situation. The rational and logical part of my mind had already elaborated elements of answers that everybody would have found acceptable regarding the current twist of events. This precise part of me was recording the reactions of the people who were moving around, dealing with the immediate afterwards of avoiding such an attack. Fuck this part of me!.
Don't you see you're weeping?
No. No emotional breakdown. No tears. I wasn't crying. I would have known if I was, wouldn't I?
It was dull all around and I had no energy to get up and move. Is that what Martouf had felt when Jolinar died?
it fell on me like a one ton weight in a gravity accelerator. Talk
about impeding weight!.
I was alone. Definitely left behind.
No matter how much of Jolinar there was in me, Martouf and her were gone now.
You know what?!. The Tok'ra were
telling lies. All these speeches about being different, pretending
all this time that they didn't tamper with their host
But the truth is they were lying, a plain and vicious lie.
Who were who? What did distinguish Jolinar from Rosha, Martouf from Lantash?
Who am I? What am I?
No. The "blending" was a deceit. And I FUCKING AM the walking proof!!! I don't recognize me.
always had a perfect control of myself.
Despite the heavy turmoil of my childhood... despite the merciless competition in the army... despite my father cold disapproval... despite the greedy eyes of those who were less... I had always had that grip on myself.
I had always sensed where my place was, sensed how the universe waited for me to come, to overcome... What now?!
around, they were taking him from me. I can't let them do
A gentle hand met my shoulder, I raised my eyes. It was my father so I stopped struggling. He's whispering warm and soft words closed to me. It doesn't look like something my father would do nor something he's ever done.
Don't trust the Tok'ra, they're deceiving us!
I let them
take him away. I didn't get up. I didn't fight anymore. I stayed
there silent, like a doll.
I didn't move because what I was feeling now didn't belong to me. It couldn't, could it? How can I have missed such a mess?
Moments of oblivion.
Today, the Colonel O'Neill and I admitted under a forced interrogation and in the imminent threat of a possible za'tarc attack that we did appear to care for each other...care more than what CO and 2IC were supposed to. Isn't it ironic?
And I didn't mention that we were about to subject ourselves to a deathful process in order to rid the mental programming off. It's like putting a gun on our head and asking for us to say it to save the world. It was so ironic.
It sounded so funny in my head that I begun to laugh. And for this ridiculous confession!
Most of the Airmen and Tok'ra had left the room but the few who were still there choose to not disturb my evident outburst of insanity. Am I insane?
I was laughing like mad now. Talk about regulation! Is a Major allowed to go crazy when not ordered to? Especially when this Major is on duty?
Surely someone, preferably a commanding officer, would shake my shoulders and I would startled thus finally got back into my body.
"Sam?! Are you alright?" a soft voice asked. Don't you see I am insane?
ISN'T me there! How can this be?
My laugh eventually died in my throat like a strangled cat."I'm fine, Daniel!" a crackled voice that I recognized as mine answered. Humm hiding my feelings under a strict minimum of reassuring words! Maybe it is me after all!
Hey what was I laughing about? I had this strange impression that it was the funniest thing I had ever heard... an important thing.
"The alliance had been revised and the Tok'ra will depart in thirty minutes." Daniel added.
I wasn't watching him so he wasn't sure I was listening but he kept speaking.
"They'll take Martouf."
How much time was I disconnected to the world? The question had come and gone in my mind.
"Of course!" I retorted, not sure what I was about to say, "Anise will..." What will she do... ?
And then everything settled back in its place. I remembered where I was, what just happened...
"Yes." said gently Daniel.
"Yes. ... I'll stay here for awhile... to", mourn? but I didn't say that.
"...to calm down..." I finished. Conceding a moment of weakness?! You're not what you used to be, sweetie!
Daniel empathised. Humanist Daniel!
"I understand. Teal'c is standing at the door. He'll show you where they're keeping Martouf when you're ready! Take the time you need!" Yeah all the time I need according to a thirty minutes countdown! Now do I need to check my watch?
I think I'm back.
He looked at me sadly. No, easy! He didn't read your mind.
"You know what I mean." He said with a sigh before walking away.
I was still sat on the floor staring at the place where the body of the man that I... What?
Less than half an hour!
Would that be enough? I still didn't feel like myself. And for the last hours, I have been asking too much questions which I didn't know the answers to.
That it was beginning to alter my temper was an understatement. So Understated!
was no one in the room when I finally got up fighting with this
physic principle that was the inertness. And God knows that I'll
be more than happy to stay inert. Motion was overvalued
Putting a hand on the closest wall, I figured that standing that fast finally wasn't the best thing to do under my condition. Oh God, it was shameful to be in this state. Definitely back seeing how I am drowning myself in guilt!
Adrenalin and pain were wearing off as I sat on a chair nearby.
Closing my eyes and putting my head in my arms, I tried to force my mind to get over it.
I was numbed and it seemed I couldn't do anything against it.
I have to be professional.
I have to be strong... stronger... stronger than that!
How much strong I need to be to satisfy everybody? Tell me! Sigh!
I got up again, this time I was able to stand decently. I was tired and the day was far from over.
I closed my eyes, breathed in and left the room.
I didn't talk to Teal'c. It's just a
well-known fact: you don't need to speak with Teal'c.
He led me to another level, I didn't pay attention. And soon enough, we were standing before a guarded door.
On the way, I was unconsciously wondering where the rest of SG-1 was. It happened all the time, a reflex on mission that we couldn't put apart once the job was done. Anyway, there were no urgency and Teal'c would have told me if there were problems. I trust him.
entered the room, I saw three Tok'ra discussing above Martouf. They
were talking in their language and if I had been more aware and
caring, I surely would have been able to understand what they said,
most of it.
This ability was another one of the leftover from my Tok'ra experience... as in death experience or alternate dimension experience. We have a lot of these experiences on SG-1. It's the thing we attracted the most. This and problems.
I say one of the present Tok'ra was my father? I didn't?!
In fact, it wasn't him. It was Selmak, a perfect stranger who I've seen at a few occasions. There were also Anise and the third one was no other than the High Council Per'sus.
Seeing me, the Tok'ra Selmak stopped and in an instant, the glow in his eyes was gone.
"Samantha!" said my father.
He immediately came and hugged me. I almost flinched. Not because he wasn't him or "just him" anymore but because I still wasn't used to this show of affection coming from him.
He never did it back when he was just human.
And my mood being what it was, I couldn't deny anymore this rotten sentiment of mine that what I had, this dreamt parental figure that my father was today, was only due to the fact that he was now sharing his conscience with a gentle and wise old soul who had been a woman for hundred years.
His embrace didn't make the feeling go away this time. I was too bitter. Bitter?
I was having so much problems at reading my emotions. How irritating!
Looking at Martouf, I finally opened my mouth.
I didn't wait for their approval. I just walked further in, pushing slowly my father who backed away.
I didn't intend to ask the Tok'ra what they were going to do. I surely knew that they had their own agenda.
It would be useless speech to seek information from them. And me being me and not a certain Colonel O'Neill. I would just keep my own conclusions for me and let the silence wrapped us.
I approached the bed where Martouf was lying. The body wasn't dead yet, but still I could sense that Martouf was gone. There are things that you simply know!
Silence was ultimately very effective as I saw everyone leaving the room.
I turned to Martouf, not knowing what to do.
Am I supposed to say goodbye?
Still unsure, I took his hand in mine. His skin was still warm.
I suddenly recalled this memory that wasn't mine, where we were together, looking at the two moons of Noctana. Nothing had been said. It had been just us through this night, this last night full of meanings. I mentally startled. It wasn't me there, it was Jolinar and I didn't want to intrude their intimate memory.
So I recalled the time, Martouf and I spend together on the surface of Vorash. It was as serene.
Whatever the reasons that led us to seek the presence of each other, we did share something, even if it was for this short time we knew each other. As I said before, it wasn't as if I was able to deny things now.
"So that's it, huh? I concede having shared something with you." I said softly with a sweet smile.
And that will be your parting gift... my... beloved...
And even if he wasn't there anymore, this bound between them would always be there.
"Wouldn't it?" Yes! I am certain of it!
I caressed his hand a last time then I walked to the door. I got out of the room, never looking back.
I said goodbye to my father. He seemed rather confident that I would deal with the situation by myself.
How could I be angry at him? After all, he's right!
Of course, I am angry at him! How can I not? I spend most of my life angry with him. Nor his turn of personality, nor my usually enthusiastic forgiveness would change a damned thing. I know most of the time, I'm more than inclined to make "tabula rasa". But now isn't my time for mercy.
Even if he noticed the strange coldness in my attitude, he didn't show it. Typically him! He would never show it, not in public for sure.
Anyway, I had more important things to do than resurrect old demons so I didn't say anything. Bad habit that is so precious to me! Sigh.
my thoughts to myself Again not that it changes from usual,
I watched the Tok'ra leave. Oh I had perfectly noticed people
avoiding me. Militaries were such big cases of denial, it was
scaring. Bitterness? Huh?!
Not as if I was in position to accuse anybody, I was as much bad... no... pretty much worse than anyone of them. Denial is for me like bricks! Take it away from me and I will fall apart.
In the debriefing room.
Thinking back about the "Anise incident", I would have called it "za'tarc incident" but there were already too much of them... maybe I could name it "za'tarc device incident"... Anyway, I didn't find the incident so funny now that my mind was clear...
Truth is, it is funny, the funniest thing ever!
It was so damned funny that I was smiling... then giggling, apparently not caring about those present and actually talking.
They were now looking at me making serious faces, obviously wondering about my mental sanity. I could even see the General Hammond hesitating on which way to react. The oh so composed CO of the base, caught almost stuttering!
It made me burst into laugh.
Nobody seemed to disapprove my behaviour. They seemed worried for the most part.
But it was funny, hilarious. It is pure irony!
After awhile, I wasn't surprise to see who eventually was brave enough to question me.
"Would you like to share with us what you find so funny, Major?" said the Colonel O'Neill wearing the "dumb" face he used at times when he wasn't sure about the situation.
And I could see on the other side of the table that Daniel was extra worried about my reaction. Teal'c just raised his eyebrow. General Hammond seemed supportive and relieved at not being the one interrupting me.
Except that it didn't make me stop... I wasn't able to stop laughing.
"Because otherwise, you know, we'll think you're crazy!" said O'Neill seeing I wasn't about to answer.
I was still laughing.
"And we'll have to call Dr Makenzie!" he added.
"And it won't be pretty!" pointing his finger in a mimicking gesture of disapproval.
I looked at him bursting into laugh again.
A smile appeared on his lips, growing more with the time passing and in the end he began to laugh, softly at first then louder.
And we found ourselves laughing together and everybody were looking at us like we were insane and that insanity seemed contagious.
"I'm sorry, Sir!" I finally said still laughing.
"It's just that Anise thought we were za'tarc!", I said to the General Hammond before laughing harder. I noticed the Colonel was laughing with good heart.
"We made you all worried!" O'Neill continued.
"All of this because of something so silly!" I completed.
The "apoapsis" was now behind me as I was beginning to reach earth, my laugh fading.
So I looked at my direct CO and he was now as calm as me.
"Something that didn't worth it!" I ended.
The Colonel O'Neill smiled and I could read in his eyes that he was thinking the same.
We'll leave it in the room! No regrets, no reproaches!
"We omitted things that we weren't conscious about... being omitted... Does that make sense? Hum Surely the Major Carter will explain it better than me!" explained O'Neill to Hammond.
Perfectly composed now, I spoke.
"I think Colonel O'Neill said it well. The Tok'ra device wasn't distinctive about the nature of our omissions. We, as militaries, are trained to hide certain parts of our missions, even to ourselves." Military? Huh?! Hope he'll swallow this cheap explanation!
"This aspect is useful most of the time but in the present case, it prevented us from being perfectly honest to the questions we were submitted to. Thus making us, failed the test." Not that the true reason was so far from this.
"You'll find the necessary details on my next report, General Hammond!" Blame just an entire life of denial that, by the way, we aren't going to share with anybody! No authority will make us talk!
Except it just happened. Ouch! Spotted!
It won't happen again!
If Hammond wasn't satisfied, he didn't let it appear when he talked.
"Fine, fine! It was a long and difficult day we had! I would like to congratulate each one of you for... living through this! You can take your leave, now! We all need to rest!"
As I was getting up, Daniel approached. He seemed to hesitate on how he was going to say something to me. Trust Daniel to be too curious for his own good.
"What was so funny?" he asked straight to the point for once.
I glanced at the Colonel then looked back at Daniel.
"Irony, just irony!" I answered honestly.
Daniel as expected didn't understand, and he was already about to say something else. But I talked first.
"Bye now, see you tomorrow!"
"Wh.. Bye Sam!" replied Daniel. Trust Daniel to respect someone's privacy.
Daniel was now looking... glaring at O'Neill. Trust Daniel to know there is many roads leading to Roma.
I could hear Daniel talking to the Colonel who was defending himself rather lamely as usual.
"Big case of catchy laughing, here!" I heard him say.
"Good bye, Sir!" I said to the General and I turned to the Colonel to repeat the same line.
I saw him making signs with his hands. It could be translated by "Run for your life, Carter! I'll take care of this monster."
I gave him a little waving hand.
"See you tomorrow, Teal'c" I said to the Jaffa as I passed by him.
"Goodbye, SamanthaCarter!" he replied calmly.
I walked in the corridor. I wasn't sure that I was really back. I still didn't feel like myself. You're thinking way too much! True and most of the time I didn't mind but I was mentally exhausted.
I didn't change my clothes. Instead I just got straight to my car.
After the usual formalities, I was out of Cheyenne Mountain.
It was already night time. I looked at my watch. 2247 It was late but you couldn't expect regular schedule when you were in the Air Force. And I of course experienced worse in the past.
The night was clear, no clouds, you could see the stars.
And then, that was when I saw it. A big and bright full moon.
It took me
suddenly. I left the road with the car and stopped the vehicle. I got
down and walked away in a wide field of rocks.
I finally stopped in this spot where I was standing, irremediably unable to leave it.
The moon there was the perfect image of the smaller one in my mind, except that its twins were missing. I raised my head, breathed deeply the chilly air of the night. Not exactly the same! Humidity was different and the chemistry differed a lot more. Still I was like immersed in this moon as if nothing else existed. I stayed like that a long time. God knows how long!
But after awhile I got a little cold so I decided to get the blanket I knew I kept in my car.
Back at my car, I took the blanket and the
sleeping bag that I was surprised to find there, Cassie might have
left hers awhile ago. I was about to leave when I realized something.
So I took a piece of paper and wrote on it. 'I am fine. Just went
for a walk. Will be back soon.' Hope it will be enough!
I put the paper where it would be seen. Then I went.
installed my sleeping bag on the ground then lay on it with the
blanket covering me.
I looked at the moon.
I didn't know why I was here. I wasn't feeling like myself.
Not sure about where the thought came, I realized that we were alike in the end, so much alike. I meant Jolinar and I. Rosha and I. All of us we resembled each other. Not just us... all of us!
And then came, regulations and duty.
And between, moments of peace.
Our paths crossed. And each one left marks on the
other but not more than life was supposed to.
It was like a phenomenon of resonance.
It wasn't a matter of mine or theirs. It was mutual. Amplified.
So I can relate on what I am
So it is me! Even if I don't recognize myself!
The truth is I've changed, I will never be like I used to be.
For the best or the worst!
So, bathed by the moonlight, I let myself weep those tears that would never fall...
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