TITLE: The One With Phoebe's Long Lost Uncle

AUTHOR: Mara Jade



CATEGORY: Crossover/General/Humour

SUMMARY: Phoebe Buffet's found her long lost Uncle.

SPOILERS: Not a lot for SG1, but there's a few for Friends.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I blame Teri. First she asked the group for a 10 min fic and got me started on a MUCH longer crossover, then she asks for this and I get distracted again. :) Happy Birthday Crossgate!!! And congrats to Teri!

Un Beta'ed so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.

DISCLAIMER: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of ShowTime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. Friends belongs to Warner Bros. and the creators. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

"You guys! You'll never believe this!" Before she was even a few steps inside the door, Phoebe was almost yelling and waving the letter in her hand excitedly.

"What, Phoebes, what is it?" The rest of the gang, sat on and around Monica's immaculate couch, all turned to look at her slightly apprehensively, Joey playing spokesperson for what they were all thinking.

"I just found out that I have a long lost Uncle!!" She grinned excitedly, jumping up and down.

Immediately her friends were all on their feet and rushing towards her, "Are, are you sure? I mean…you know what happened last time, when you thought you'd found your real dad…" Rachel queried, her voice showing the worry everyone else was feeling. None of them wanted to see Phoebe let down again.

"I know, I know but this time its really official! Look; the letter even has an Air Force header, and it says he's a General!"

"What?!" Monica exclaimed, "Gimme that!"

"Hey!" Phoebe was too excited to really protest as Monica snatched the letter out of her hands.

Reading the letter carefully, Monica's jaw dropped, "Oh my god…" she muttered, looking up at her ecstatic friend. "Do you know what you're going to do?"

"I'm gonna phone the number, of course!"

"I dunno Phoebe," Ross interjected, "What if this is all some big mix-up?"

"It's not." She stated.

"But what if it is?" Chandler re-iterated.

"Look, guys, its sweet of you all to care, but I have a feeling about this, and I know its going to work!"

"You sure that's not just indigestion?"

Phoebe pushed past them all and grabbed the phone, quickly dialling in the number that had been included in the letter.

After a few long, tense moments someone picked up, "General O'Neill's Office."

"Hi…, uh…is that General Jack O'Neill, please?"

"No, I'm afraid the General isn't in at the moment, can I take a message?"

Phoebe felt her heart fall, "Sure…just tell him Phoebe Buffet called…" She rattled off her cell phone number before putting the phone down forlornly.

Immediately, she was engulfed in a group hug, with everyone assuring her that it would all be okay.

"I don't understand…" she said, "I had such a great feeling about this…"

"It's okay, Phoebes; I get indigestion all the time," Joey comforted her. "It'll go away in a little while."

"Hey, if he tries anything funny, I'll just do my Karaa-tay on him to protect you."

"Aww thanks Ross, that's sweet of you." Waiting till Ross' back was turned she mouthed to Monica 'you'll protect me?'

Nodding emphatically, Monica mouthed back 'any time'.

Having received an apologetic phone call from a tired-sounding General Jack O'Neill, Phoebe had agreed to meet him here, in Central Perk. Apparently he'd been due some downtime or something…

Every time the door opened, Phoebe turned and looked expectantly, but this time the people coming in caught her eye.

Four people – first came a tall grey-haired man, shortly followed by an enormous black man with a low-riding hat on. They were followed by a sandy-haired, good looking young man in glasses, and a tall, slim blonde with cropped hair. All three of them looked a little worse for wear though, with bruises and cuts on their faces, and the youngest man had his arm in a sling.

Looking around the room, the grey-haired one caught sight of Phoebe and sauntered over, blissfully unaware of her friends exclamations of how good looking the three men were. Joey's "man is she hot!" was drowned out by Chandler's indignation over Monica's observation that 'now that is what you would call 'distinguished'.

"Phoebe Buffet?" The man asked, receiving a mute nod from her. "Jack O'Neill," he introduced himself, shaking her hand slightly awkwardly. "This is Murray, Daniel, and Sam.

The other three acknowledged Phoebe with smiles and nods, and Phoebe found her voice again.

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet you…these are my friends Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey."

Once more awkward nods and smiles were exchanged as they moved over to make room for the four new-comers. As they moved to their seats I became obvious the Phoebes Uncle was limping quite heavily on his right foot and obviously pleased to be able to sit and rest it. In fact the only one who didn't wince as he sat down was Murray, who moved with ripples of muscle that left Rachel flustered.

"So…" Phoebe began unsure of what to say. "What do you do in the Airforce?"

"Deep Space Radar Telemetry." Was the rply, a little to quick for comfort.

"So…you look at space?" Chandler inquired.


"From inside a Mountain?"


"Actually, the analysis equipment is within the mountain but we use information gathered from satellites in high orbit."

"Oh, are you are scientist?" Ross asked Sam, almost batting his eyelids at her.

"Yes, actually."

"So am I, although I'm a doctor of Palentology."

"Really?" Jack cut in, glaring at Ross, "Well Sam's a Doctor of Theoretical Astrophysics. You want to talk to Danny boy here; he's more into rocks and dead things."

Chastened, Ross just glared at Joey when he leaned over and said in a stage-whisper "Dude, I don't think you should hit on his girlfriend."

Sam gave them an amused smile, "actually, he's my Commanding Officer."

Joey looked non-plussed, "and?"

"Jo, buddy, the military don't let their officers have relationships with each other." Chandler supplied for his friend.

"They don't? But, in all those films…"

"They're just films, they're not real! You of all people should know that."

"Oh yeah…"

Phoebe coughed pointedly… "So…Jack…how did you find out that you had a Niece you never knew about?"

"Uh, when my Dad died we found adoption papers for his first child – your father. He never told me about my eldest brother." He smiled sadly, obviously remembering his father.

"…I had a grandfather?"

Jack gave her a confused look, "well yeah!"

"No, its just…my mother committed suicide when I was very young, and I only ever knew my grandmother. Its only in the last few years that I really got to know my brother Frank, and then of course there's Ursula…"

"Brother? Ursula?"

"You didn't know?? Frank will be so excited and well…Ursula probably won't care…she'll just steal your name and use it to make porn…"

"What?" Jack was completely lost now.

"Ursula's Phoebe's twin sister; a little while ago we found out that she'd been using Phoebe's name to make porn films." Monica explained.

"So that wasn't you in those films?" Daniel asked.

Jack whipped his head around to stare at Daniel, "You watched porn with my Niece in it?!"

Daniels eyes widened but before he could reply the deep baritone voice of Murray cut in.

"DanielJackdon, ColonelCarter and I were carrying out the checks that you asked of us when we came across advertisements for films such as 'Buffet the Vampire Layer'. We did not observe anything but the covers for the films although DanielJackson explained to me the purpose of such films."

Daniel was blushing furiously as Jack indignantly continued, "And you didn't tell me this why…?"

"ColonelCarter and DanielJackson thought it prudent that you find out the information from PhoebeBuffet herself."

The culprits in question were looking decidedly uncomfortable now, and Phoebe finally asked the question that had been nagging at her, "Hang on a minute…you carried out a background check on me?!"

Now it was Jack's turn to look uncomfortable, "its standard procedure, I'm afraid, because we get a lot of people trying to trick us where we work."

"What do you do in that mountain that you have to check people like that?"

"That classified." Was the apologetic reply.

"Wait a minute!" Ross cut in, realisation dawning on his face, "You're Daniel Jackson? The Daniel Jackson?"

"Uh…I don't know about 'the' but I'm definitely Daniel Jackson."

"You are! Chandler, do you remember me telling you about the guy who theorised that the Aliens built the pyramids?"

Chandler looked at him blankly, "No…not really…"

"Do you ever listen to what I say?"

"No…not really…"

"Well, I did tell you, I remember because I'd been reading his…obituary…"

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Ross…he doesn't look very dead…in fact he looks very much alive."

"Yeah, people keep telling everyone I'm dead when I'm actually not."

"So in your Deep Space Radar Tele-whatsit you're looking for aliens?"

"Something like that."


A long moment of silence followed, to be eventually broken by Phoebe as she reached for her guitar. "Well, I was really excited about meeting you and I didn't know what to do, so I did what I'm best at; I wrote a song."


Setting herself up, she strummed an opening chord;

Well my mother, yes, she killed herself

When I was just a little girl,

There were no family pictures on the shelf

It made me really want to hurl.

Well, I found I had a little brother,

We got on really quite well,

Then he asked me to be a mother

That really made my belly swell

It's really not all that freaky,

I was just the surrogate,

His wife's womb was slightly peaky,

But she had an egg to donate.

And then there's that bitch Ursula

She makes me really really mad

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

But I guess it's really not that bad

Now I've found my Uncle Jack,

He came to see me for the first time

And I really hope he will come back

And he wasn't scared off by the street mime."

I don't know what possessed me.