Exo Pack's "The Last Episode!"

By Zero

Announcer: All around the homeworlds, the Neo sapiens are surrendering. (chuckles) Losers. At long last, the war is over! Which means I'm out of a job. Help a brother out?

(Scene 1: The Andes Mountains. Thrax pulls out his radio, looking somber. He also pulls out a 40 oz. of Cuervo Gold.)

Thrax: Neo sapiens, lay down your weapons. Surrender now and you will not be harmed. Phaeton was defeated. (Laughs loudly) It was the SHIT! (Chugs the entire bottle, it has no effect.)

(Neos lay down their weapons and walk out with their hands up. Able Squad watches in awe.)

Unnamed Neo Sapien (addressing Marsala): It's for the best, brother. (Pats Marsala on the back.)

Marsala: If only we'd have realized sooner... (As he turns his back, the rest of the Neos see a sign taped to his back. The sign says, "PUSSY WHIPPED". The Neos-and Trooper Maggie Weston and Trooper Wolf Brewski-are beside themselves with laughter!)

(Scene 2: Chicago, Soldier Field. Neo prisoners are being loaded on to a truck. Terran bystanders cheer and holler. Two terrans stand near the back, watching with apathetic smirks. It's the Smashing Pumpkins!)

Billy: You know, I don't think it's right for us to oppress them again...after all, look what happened last time.

D'arcy: Oh, why do you have to be such a sape all the time?

(Billy pulls out a blaster and shoots D'arcy's in the face. Her face and hair turn black, and a little puff of smoke comes up from her head.)

(Scene 4: Manaus, Brazil. Able Squad is escorting a load of prisoners to a camp. They are joined by Thrax.)

Thrax (To Commander J. T. Deadmarsh, #18): Commander Deadmarsh...may I speak to you in private?

Deadmarsh (winks): I'm down with the motion of your ocean, baby!

Thrax: No, no, no! I want to know about a young pilot I flew against in the battle of Mercury. He was quite skilled...and he had those big brown eyes you could just drown in! What was his name? Whatever became of him? Is he single?

Deadmarsh: His name's Kaz Tecate. He was in my squad...

Thrax (hangs his head): Oh. I'm sorry.

Deadmarsh: No...he's a student at the Exo Pack Academy now! He's not dead. And he's probably not single either, with Maggie Weston on the job. (Thrax and Deadmarsh give three snaps, a la Men On)

Thrax & Deadmarsh: -Snap- -Snap- -Snap- SKANK! Uh-uh, girlfriend...

(Scene 3: Exo Pack Academy, a large building with broken windows and walls tagged by ICP, Run DMC, Snoop Dogg, etc. Tecate's class is lined up for inspection by Captain Buttler.)

Buttler: Trooper Tecate! Are you ready to become an officer?!

Tecate: (stands straight up, giving his best bark) Not really, sir! (Cadets start laughing)

Buttler: Then what are you doing here?

Tecate: J. T. made me...uh, I mean, Commander Deadmarsh made me, sir. He said if I can't take orders, I can't get a real job! So I gotta stay in the Exofleet, sir!

Buttler: (Leaning down in Tecate's face) Real job, my ass. You should be grateful that this shit pays minimum wage.

(Scene 4-We're back: Manaus, Brazil. Able Squad lounging around like lazy bums)

Sgt. Rita "The Bitch" Torres: Hey Brewski! I heard you're going back to college! But why? You already know how to drink... (Interrupts him before he gets a chance to speak) Oh! You want to learn how to talk to Evil!

Brewski: Hey, me and Evil talk! But she talks gooder than me.

Torres: Stomach growling doesn't count.

Brewski: Shut up. Why don't you talk about Tecate? He's not here!

Weston (hanging her head): Or Alec... (She walks outside, gazing at the moon. Deadmarsh catches up with her.)

Torres: Now you did it!

Brewski: Bitch.

Torres: Asshole.

Brewski: Chickenshit.

Torres: Buttfuck.

Brewski: Slut.

Weston (from outside): Not now, I'm busy! (Turns to Deadmarsh, then looks back up to the moon and sighs)

Deadmarsh: Maggie...

Weston: I used to love the moon. Now it's just like any other floating ball of cheese...I'll bet it's shitty, rotten cheese, too.

Deadmarsh: It's still the moon. (Puts a hand on her shoulder) Listen. Nara is going back to Venus to rebuild...I can give you a month off if you'd like. Of course, it's not free. I've been kind of lonely lately...hit a dry spell...

Weston: Oh, SHUT UP! You know the rule, J. T... nobody rides for free!

Deadmarsh: Sorry.

Weston: (pauses) So...what are you going to do now that the war's over?

Deadmarsh: (sighs) I don't know. I've always wanted to be a dancing girl in a Las Vegas cabaret show...

Weston: Oh, please. You don't have the butt for it.

(Scene 8: Same scene, next day. Thrax and squad out sape wranglin' again, in e-frames. Thrax sees a strange, statue-like object that he recognizes as a former Neo sapien.)

Thrax: This is wack, yo! Check it out! Man, this used to be my home boy! Sheeiiit....

Deadmarsh: What happened to him?

Thrax: He was genetically altered...

(Suddenly, the statue moves)

Statue: Mff! ..mff mmm-mmmh! (The statue's stomach rips open, and South Park's Kenny claws his way out, walking off like nothing ever happened. As he reaches the edge of the screen, an atomic bomb lands on him)

Deadmarsh: Thrax, he's here! Get away!

Thrax: C-ya! (Runs off, flashing West Side as he leaves)

(Able Squad comes under fire by Ketzer's terran experiments, who look suspiciously like inbred trailer trash. Ketzer slowly descends on a vine, giving the squad a seductive rendition of Happy Birthday. As he steps off the vine, Nara chases him down)

Nara: You gosh-darn, silly little poophead! (Under the screen, subtitled, is "You goddamn motherfucking dipshit!")

(Nara is hit square in the back by a rocket, sending her flying out of her e-frame and in to a nearby pond. Ketzer stands over her, smiling an evil smile)

Ketzer: Oh, Nara...I knew you would return. You are under my control...I could have your Exo Pack secrets. I could steal your guns and your e-frame. (leans in closer) I could have your body, any way I wanted. (Stands back up, clapping his hands in glee) Instead, I think I'll turn you in to an apple tree! (Blasts her, knocking her unconscious)

Nara (unconscious): Bummer... (Subtitled: "I'm fucked...")

(Deadmarsh, Weston, and Brewski regroup above the trees. Deadmarsh asks about Nara.)

Tree-sape #1 (Carrying Nara): Let's play keep-away!

Tree-sape #2: Ok!

Ketzer: No! Carry her carefully. She is an unfinished experiment.

Marsala (uncloaking his e-frame): Step aside, amigo! This looks like a job for the ANTI-CHRIST! (Kicks Ketzer square between the legs with his e-frame, then blasts everything in sight.)

Ketzer (in a lovely falsetto): Bastard!

(Amid the confusion, Marsala pops his cover, grabs Nara, and sets her inside)

Marsala: Yoink!

(Scene 64: Venus, one month later. Marsala and Nara land on Nara's farm and pile out of the frame.)

Marsala: Nara, I must return to Earth. The Homeworlds Senate is debating the future of the Neo sapien race.

Nara (looking heartbroken): Will you come back? When your work there is finished? (Suddenly, the Angst-O-Meter appears at the bottom of the screen! The gauge is at about half-empty.)

Marsala: The future is never finished. Besides, there's big yucko bugs on Venus and they're scary!

Nara (Angst-O-Meter rising): Marsala... Marsala, I...

Marsala: I cannot be a part of your life, Nara Burns...

Nara: (throws her arms around him) Marsala, I love you! (Angst-O-Meter reaches full, Nara starts to cry)

Marsala (Gently pushes her away): Nara, I cannot stay. I don't want to get girl cooties or anything. But you...you have roots here, like that tree. You will rebuild this farm, marry, and... (grimaces) ...ewww! Nasty! Terrans are dirty! I'll bet you're gonna...ooooh, that's groossss!! (jumping around and gagging)

Nara: But, Marsala...

Marsala: (Quickly calms down) I will return to visit you, if I may. You...and your children. I wish I didn't have to leaf...I hope life trees you kindly. Ketzer up with you later, tree girl! (Hops in the e-frame and takes off)

(Nara's Angst-O-Meter breaks as she collapses in tears. She reaches up to wipe away a tear, but her hand and her eyes begin to glow green. Her eyes widen in horror and pain. She reaches for the big, dead tree...as she grabs it, the green glow envelopes it and it grows in to a big beanstalk, just like in Mario Brothers!)

Nara: (whispering) What's happening to me? (Subtitled: "I am not just fucked, I am fucked twice over with a rusty chainsaw!")

Announcer: The next scene is really boring. Wanna skip it?

Studio Audience: Yeah!

(Scene 666: Phaeton's Bunker. Professor Gyromite is talking to Weston. They are surrounded by clones of Neos.)

Prof. Gyromite: Phaeton made lots and lots of clones...he cloned himself and all his generals. The Exo Pack Fleet doesn't know what to do with them...even though they've done nothing wrong, there's still the chance of unleashing another Phaeton on the world. (Tecate pops his head in, through the wonders of accidental animation, and holds up a sign that says "Professor Gyromite is a boring old fart")

Weston: So...why did you bring me here? I don't think talking about Neo clones is a very good ice-breaker, not trying to clown on your technique, but you need something better than that to get me hot...

Prof. Gyromite: While I worked for Praetorius, I learned the wonders of mixing Terran and Neo Sapien DNA...

Weston: So did Nara, but she didn't have to brag about it.

Announcer: Disgusting!

Prof. Gyromite: No, I mean using Neo Sapien DNA, along with the records of a Terran's memory, to make a new terran!

Weston: Oh, you mean like the experiment with Alice Noreti?

Noreti Clone: (From inside holding tank, as if on cue) Waazzzzup?!!

(Weston screams and shoots her, breaking through the tank and turning her in to Neo sapien soup!)

Prof. Gyromite: Well, I wasn't able to recreate the experiment. I used the black box you gave me of Alec DeLeon's thoughts, and transferred it to this Robot Assassin Dog.

(A big, scary Robot Assassin Dog runs out barking, having bitten through his chain, foaming oil at the mouth.)

Prof. Gyromite: (petting the dog) Yes, dat's a good widdle puppy-wuppy! You remember Maggie-waggie?

(The Robot Assassin Dog bites Weston's hand off, swallowing it whole)

Weston: Sweet Jeezus! What the hell is going on?!

Prof. Gyromite: Don't worry, it'll grow back. You're a cartoon, remember? (Pets the dog again) She's just a cartoon, isn't she, puppy-wuppy?

Announcer: Damn, this cartoon is long. I'm getting some overtime tonight...

(Scene 18: Hicksville, Wyoming. Deadmarsh lands his e-frame at a ranch, scaring some animals that look suspiciously like Pokemon. Retired Rear Admiral Minefield runs up to greet him with a smile)

Minefield: Deadmarsh! What brings you to this neck of the woods?

Deadmarsh: I heard you retired...and I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Things have changed...I'm thinking of leaving the Exo Pack Fleet.

Minefield: Chickenshit.

Deadmarsh: I was never a military man...in fact, I've always been kind of a mama's boy. I like Depeche Mode and show tunes, and I wet the bed sometimes...I like to bake cookies, and play Pokemon, and watch Saturday morning cartoons...I guess I was never much for the military lifestyle.

Minefield: Well, I'm not gonna try to change your mind. (pauses, then grabs Deadmarsh's leg) Pleeeeeze? Come on, you gotta stay!

Deadmarsh: Well...I'll stay for a little while. But only 'cause you said please.

Minefield: Good. Pirates are dismantling their base on Chaos...and I hear their Dark Matter's the primo shit, like 500 bucks for a dimebag...anyway, they asked for your help because the rest the Exo Pack troopers are creeps.

(Scene 1400: Pirate ship en route to Chaos. Deadmarsh arrives, meeting Hallas, who now walks with an exoskeleton.)

Deadmarsh: Phat! What is that thing?

Hallas: It's my exoskeleton! It works just like an e-frame, dude! Thanks to your training, I'm good to go.

Deadmarsh: Yeah, but can you...(whispers in Hallas' ear)?

Hallas: Disgusting! (pause) But anyway, you sick monkey, we've got work to do. Thrax and Galba will be along, to build a science station...we've also got some jump troops coming, so we don't have to do any work...

Deadmarsh: Score!

Hallas: ...and I believe you already know the lieutenant in charge of the jump troops. (Barks to the back room) BRING OUT THE SIDE DISH!

(Lt. Colleen "The Mega Bitch" O'Reilley enters, looking pleasantly surprised to see Deadmarsh. Hallas leaves, leaving the two of them alone.)

Deadmarsh: After this, I'm leaving the Exo Pack Fleet to pursue my dream...

O'Reilley: (gives Deadmarsh "googly eyes") ...Of becoming a professional hockey player for the Colorado Avalanche and winning the Cup?

Deadmarsh: No, silly! Of becoming a Las Vegas cabaret stripper girl!

O'Reilley: (turning philosophical) Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to go into space...see the stars, and explore other worlds! Even after all this, that's still how I feel. (Gives him an expecting look, wanting some nookie)

Deadmarsh: I guess some things are always out of reach. (chuckles) For the Red Wings, anyway. (turns to leave)

O'Reilley: (Softly) Come with me to the stars, J.T....

Deadmarsh: (Pops his head back in the door) I'm gay!

(O'Reilley's Angst-O-Meter explodes, she pulls out her gun and blows her head off. A little grave pops up, saying "Man, was she ever a Bitch!")

(Scene 57: GRAF station orbiting what used to be Mars. Weston, Prof. Gyromite, and the Robot Assassin Dog are talking.)

Prof. Gyromite: Do you know what gravity is?

Weston: No.

Robot Assassin Dog: (Shakes his head)

Prof. Gyromite: I do!

Weston: That's why you're the professor, smartypants.

Prof. Gyromite: Gravity is the response that matter makes to the lonliness of space. It's love, you see, the love that moves the stars.

Weston: Dude, that is so corny.

Prof. Gyromite: Not compared to the shit you make up.

Weston: Like what?

Prof. Gyromite: (mockingly) Like Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, and Voodoo, and ghosties, and leprechauns, and God...

Weston: Guess you're right. Continue.

Prof. Gyromite: It's the love that brings the stars together. Phaeton thought that destroying an entire planet would be the ultimate expression of power, but it just showed his lack of imagination. And that he's an asshole. The ultimate power...is CREATION! (Evil laugh)

Radio: "She blinded me with science...it's poetry in motion..."

(The GRAF shield emits tendrils of light, bringing the particles that used to be Mars back together.)

Weston: You faked it.

(Robot Assassin Dog eats Weston's whole arm off)

Weston: OW! You rotten little shit!

(Scene 31: Pirate ship, everyone gathered at the window. A large spacecraft is approaching, it looks like a big flying whale with yucky tentacles hanging off. Special Agents Mulder and Scully stand aside.)

Mulder: The truth is out there. (Subtitled: "We're fucked.")

Scully: How can you be sure? (Subtitled: "I'm trying to be in denial...oh, to hell with it. We're fucked.")

(Bonus Scene: Venus, Nara watching cheesy romance movies and eating a 5-gallon tub of chocolate ice cream, crying her eyes out.)

Nara: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the angst! Why is life so fragile and so cruel?


Send all death threats to xjenniferever@aol.com.

Make them creative, please...I need some more ideas.