Author: Paladin Steelbreaker

Title: Matters Of The Heart

Copyright: January 2005

Rating: PG-13, Just to be safe.

Spoilers: Only for "Cries from the Heart" and "Searching For A Heart Of Gold", "Soaking A Wounded Heart In Alcohol" And "The Heart Of A Warrior".

Keywords: Sydney and Nigel

Summary: Just a little peek into Syd and Nige's Diaries.

Legalese: All characters except those noted below with their respective rights, properties and copyrights are the property of their respective creators, authors, owners, producers and agencies. These characters are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended or meant, and no money will be made from this story. This story may be copied in its entirety, and may be distributed as long as all copyright information remains.

Author's Note: I want to warn all readers. I am taking Sydney and Nigel far out of character here. But my muse wanted it this way. So sue her not me.

Author's Note: I want to thank my trusted Beta reader Red Dragons Order. Without her, this story would not been anywhere near as good as it is. If there still are faults, they are all mine.

Dedications: I would like to dedicate this story, how ever amateurish, to all those fanfic writers out there who has fed my imagination over the past six or seven years.

Especially I will mention Tim Knight – May he rest in peace

If you want to comment on my story.(please, please, PLEASE!!) Compliments, or fire spitting criticism, you are welcome to mail me at this address: pal-o-loonline.no

And now finally on with the story:

Matters Of The Heart

Sydney Fox's diary

June 6th 1996

It is official! I am the lamest brain on the face of the earth. To day I confronted Nigel and little Miss Blonde Bitch. Her name is Anne and it turns out that she isn't a bitch after all. My jealousy got the better of me – again. How on earth could I get my self to believe that Nigel would have anything to do with an underage prostitute? I am so ashamed! Can you believe it? The explanation for the money exchange and the rumpled clothes is that she has been his martial arts instructor for the last six months. The girl, Anne, actually laughed when I accused her of being a prostitute. Nigel on the other hand, got really pissed off and took off like a bat out of hell. Somebody help me! He is just so darned cute when he blushes!

Okay Anne is not a prostitute, and I think she is a nice girl, but something is way off with her. Those eyes, so full of pain and experience, they made chills run down my back. What the hell has that girl gone through? And when she walked away after our little talk about Nigel, she moved with a smoothness I have seen only once. She moved like those Lamia Vampires we killed. Only she didn't possess that eerie creepiness they had. Instead she radiated sheer power, and underlying danger, more like a large predator.

Well, enough about that girl. What I really need to talk about is Nigel. After Anne left I raced after Nige, only to find him packing his things. I couldn't do a damned thing. I just stood there helpless as my worst nightmare happened. I'll tell you one thing, it felt like I was literally torn apart. Nigel was leaving!!! I just stood there on the school's front steps and cried like there was no tomorrow. And to me, at that moment, there wasn't. Finally Claudia was the one who knocked some sense into me. Can you believe that, Claudia giving advice, and god advice at that, in the relationships department? If I hadn't been so distraught, it would have felt completely surreal.

She made me realise that there was only one thing I could do and not regret it forever. I had to go after Nigel, and at least try to save our friendship, so I did. I went home to where he lived but he wasn't at home. Not knowing what else to do, I just sat down on the front steps and waited. And as I did, the whole situation seemed to just become worse and worse. And when he finally came home I broke down completely. Nigel, that sweet Boy Scout, even though he was still mad at me (I could tell from his eyes that seemed almost black with emotions); in spite of that, he took care of me, and listened to me as I poured out my heart. And finally we talked like we should have done a long time ago.

God! What fools we have been! It turns out we have had the same problem for a long time. We love each other and have tried in vain to hide it from the other. Well now the secret is out. It should make things simpler, and in a way it does. But not really. This is my opportunity to get everything I have ever wanted. I should be happy, and I am. Ecstatically! But I am also scared to hell. What if this goes bad? What if I can't handle a normal warm relationship?! I don't want him to feel he is just another notch in my garter belt. He has seen far too many of my exes, and with one exception they were all bastards. And then, there is that trust issue. Logically I know he would never hurt me. But a part of me already wonders when he will change, when he will hurt me, as all the others did. Oh listen, I sound so pathetic. I know. But old habits…

Anyway, after squaring things out, we went to this cosy little Old fashioned American restaurant. It was called the Water Hole. Nigel was right about that. The place had excellent food and beer, and the atmosphere was pleasant and calming. And over dinner we managed to make the last pieces of our friendship fall into place. We decided to start seeing each other more off work. Luckily Nigel agreed to take it very slowly. I get to decide how fast we go from now on. Now that I no longer fight my feelings, I know that somewhere down the line I want it all. I want him to be mine, and I want to be his, forever. Yeah! You heard me. Disgustingly sappy isn't it? Oh shit! I just looked at the clock. I have to get ready. Nigel an I are going to the movies. I wish you could help me out here! WHAT SHALL I WEAR!!!

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Nigel Bailey's diary

June 6th 1996

Dear diary

Well, what can I say? This day has been the mother of all emotional roller coasters. It all started when I paid Anne for her tutoring. Then Sydney showed up. And never have I seen her more furious, as when she faced us and accused me of buying sexual favours from an underage prostitute. That hurt! It hurt more than anything in my life. After working together for two and a half year, my heart's beloved still didn't think better off me than that I could do such a despicable thing. I couldn't stay there a minute, but raced to my office and started packing my things. Then I went home, before I went for a run to clear my mind.

When I came back, she was sitting on my front steps crying. When she noticed me, she broke completely down. It nearly did me inn, watching her like that. Many a time I have half wondered if she is human, cause she seems to handle anything effortlessly. So seeing her like that was a real shock. Finally we did what we should have done a long time ago. We talked. And guess what! She loves me!!! And she isn't at all the indestructible warrior-woman she gives the impression of being. I know now that it is only an armour to protect her all-too-vulnerable self.

It took a lot of talking, but finally we settled our differences. But she asked me to take things very slow, as we now embark on an entirely new adventure. To see where our relationship will take us. And I agree, there are so many hidden traps, so much which can go wrong. And if it does, what we loose has the potential to destroy us both. I feel we made a good start at the Water Hole. And tonight, tonight we are going to the movies. Yes, you heard right. As I said, we are taking it slow. But for the first time in about two years, there is at least some hope in my life now. Well, I better get ready for our first official date. I think I'll go by a florist on the way over.

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Sydney Fox's diary

June 6th 1996

I am just back from the movies. It was Nostalgia-night at the cinema. They showed "Close Encounter of the third degree". Damn, that movie is good. I have seen it three times before, but it still catches me. I was more surprised that Nigel enjoyed it. After I asked him, he told me he was a fan of Spielberg's works. Afterwards he, the sweet Britt that he is, walked me home. And then, on the front steps, he kissed me. It was a short, almost chaste kiss. But damn, my body is still humming in pleasure. I could see in his eyes, that it affected him just as much, but as the gentleman he is, he kept to his promise. We are taking it slow. I stand by that. It is best this way. But there was a moment there, I honestly regretted making him promise that. Okay, its time to hit the sack. I have a whole bunch of classes to teach tomorrow. G'night.

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Nigel Bailey's diary

June 6th 1996

Dear diary.

Tonight we went to the movies. They showed a favourite of mine, "Close encounter of the third degree". It was great! And afterwards we had a nice walk back to her apartment. And then I kissed her. I almost regretted it, as she stiffened. But when I looked into her eyes, relief washed over me. She was just as affected by it as I was. But I am a man of my word. We are taking this slow. I will not jeopardize what we are trying to build, by going too fast. Besides, it is fun getting to know this new Sydney, the woman underneath the armour. The old Sydney was nice, if sometimes a little too hectic. But this new one, she has so many facets to her. Yes indeed. It shall be a interesting journey, getting to know her.

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Sydney Fox's diary

June 17th 1996

I am thoroughly pissed off now. What did that girl do with my innocent peace-loving Nigel?! Oh well, now you probably are confused. Well this is the case:

The last days, Nigel and I have started training together. He joined me when I went to my weekly appointment at the local dojo tonight. In the beginning he was moving awkwardly, and hesitantly. But as he started to relax, his training took over. And what a training! Half a year ago, Nigel was, to be brutally honest, more a danger to himself than his opponent in a fight. Now on the other hand, he is at least the equivalent of a holder of a brown belt in Karate. Next week I will try to go up for the black belt of fourth Dan, and then he will attempt the black belt of first Dan.

Luckily, he seems to be just as peace-loving as before. And I know he is a responsible person. So I guess it will work out for the best. He needs the self-esteem boost. Besides, he is even more gorgeous than before. I accidentally saw his bare back today, and my eyes just about popped out of their sockets. Hubba hubba! Nigel is definitely not the scrawny bookworm I used to know anymore. Well enough about that, or I will spend the rest of the night taking a cold shower.

Cya later.

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Nigel Bailey's diary

June 17th. 1996

Dear diary.

For two and a half years now I have known that Sydney is a great fighter. But damn! What I saw at the dojo tonight – that was awesome. She has actually been holding back in all those fights. And the master of the dojo, that little guy scares me. He moves almost as fast as Anne. But I think I shocked Sydney a bit. And I don't blame her. Last time she saw me in a fight, I was thoroughly beaten up by a man that was over 60. And next week I will try for the black belt of first Dan. What I haven't told Sydney, is that Karate is only one of many fighting arts Anne started me out on.

The last half a year, has been positively gruelling work. Yes, I admit it, I used to be woefully out of shape. But I got results. I now feel my body cooperating better with my brain. And any labour seems easier. I don't feel like such a klutz anymore. Lately I have even started thinking of joining Sydney on one of her hunts again. I feel like I might actually be able to hold my own with her now.

All in all, tonight's trip to the Dojo, was a success. It was fun. And afterwards we went for a light jog in the park. Before we parted outside her apartment. But tonight came with a prize. I will never look on a Gi the same way again. I never thought of the Karate uniform as sexy, but on her it is. That I find her attractive is old news, but by the end of the lesson, I was picturing pigs in a mud bath to try to keep my libido in check. I am really starting to hate that promise now. Well, I made it, so I have to keep it. I'm off to a long cold shower before I go to bed. We have a heavy work schedule tomorrow.

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Sydney Fox's diary

June 30th 1996

It is official. Nigel is the single most marvellous kisser in the world! We had a date tonight, but it has been a hard day at work, so none of us felt like going out. Instead I invited him home for home made lasagne (the only dish I am good at cooking). After food we sat down to watch 'Braveheart'. But quite frankly I don't remember a single thing of it. Not after the first kiss. We reached the point where I was about to rip his clothes off, when he stopped and asked if I really was ready for this. I almost screamed yes. And I should have. But no, I picked that time to get cold feet. This just seems to move too fast, although it really isn't. This isn't fair to Nigel. He must feel that I am toying with him. But I am not. Sometimes I feel like I am about to loose myself in all this. The control that I have strived towards for so many years, is shot right out of the window. It is wonderful and terrible at the same time. And I am thoroughly, heads over heals, out of my bloody tree, in love with him. And I know he loves me the same. But when (and I say when and not if!!!!) we cross that final barrier, then it is too late to back out. Then he has the power to destroy me completely. I don't think I can take one more failure. So I keep on being the world's biggest coward. Why didn't he just keep his mouth shut?!

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Nigel Bailey's diary

June 30th 1996

Dear diary.

I am going for the world record in the longest cold shower. I wish she would quit doubting our relationship and herself! I really am glad that I don't know where that Hans character is. If I did, I would beat him within an inch of his death. He deserves it for what he did to her. But she doesn't need another violent boyfriend, that's for sure. So I have to be content with cursing him to kingdom come, which I do on a daily basis. But one thing is for certain. I am not giving up on us. If she has trouble crossing that last barrier, then we will wait as long as she needs it to be certain, even if it kills me.

Funny, now that 'Lois & Clark' TV-series seems a lot more real. I am starting to feel like Clark here. I only wish I had the benefit of the superpowers too. Now listen here. This is just rubbish. My brain seems to have gone MIA. It is time to hit the sac. After the shower.

Until next time…

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Sydney Fox's diary

July 6th 1996

Nigel is an angel!!!

No strike that. Not even an angel has a more kind and caring soul, nor has greater patience. Without him, I'm sure I would have taken a shotgun to my head over the last week, just to put me out of my misery. I have one word for you:

INFLUENZA!

Yep! Sydney Fox, the woman that can wade through freezing water, run for hours in hot humid jungles, wade through bugs and rats, the woman that NEVER gets sick, got hit with a proverbial sledgehammer. Urgh! I have never been so sick. My fever ran so high that I started hallucinating, and had long conversations with Roger Rabbit about nuclear fusion, which I know next to nothing about. And then there was the constant headache, throwing up, and other things best left unspoken. And through it all he was there. When I didn't come to work, he came visiting, and just stayed. And let me say it again. The man is a saint! I am far from a nice patient. I am just about the worst you could get. But still he stood by me. The man should have been given the congressional Medal of Honour. Or, since he is British, the Victoria Cross!!! For services above and beyond the call of duty. I have said it before, but now it holds infinitely much more true. I LOVE NIGEL BAILEY!

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Nigel Bailey's diary

July 6th 1996

Dear diary!

I am dead on my feet. After a week of next to no sleep, Sydney is finally over the worst. And whoa! Has that woman a nasty mouth when she is sick or not? Now well, I shouldn't talk too loud. I have been told I have a bit of a nasty mouth myself when I am sick. Besides, I owe her much more than this. She has saved my life more times than I can count. Well, I am hitting the sack. And don't expect me to be awake for the next 24 hours.

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Nigel Bailey's diary

August 2nd 1996

Dear diary.

Once again I am subject to the Jungle drums of Trinity University. Although this time it doesn't bother me. After all, what they are saying is true. Sydney and I, we are a couple. I guess we haven't been as discreet as we thought we were. I haven't told Syd yet. Her half-year expense-assessment is coming up, and Sydney has been submerged in her balance sheets for the last week. It has been an unusually busy half year, and her office looks like a tornado has gone through it. Everywhere you look, you find receipts, old plane tickets, train tickets, car rent deals, damage assessments, you name it. And I know from experience that to disturb her now, is to ask for a nuclear detonation. These half year assessments may be the one thing in the world Sydney fears most. So no, I haven't told her. She probably already knows, though. There is not much that escapes her.

And Claudia, she is disgustedly cheery. She never lets a chance go to tell either one of us, " I told you so". She claims the sole responsibility for us two getting together. But what the heck, she is a good kid. And she needs something to focus on besides pining away for that gypsy guy. I am afraid she never will see him again, and hope that I am wrong.

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Sydney Fox's diary

August 2nd 1996

Dear diary.

Once again: god bless Nigel! Without him, I would have been insane by now.

Let me make one thing very clear.

I HATE EXPENSE-ASSESSMENTS!!!

And this time it is even worse than it use to be. Even though Nigel hasn't been with me on the hunts the last half year, my travelling has increased so much that I fear my expenses have skyrocketed. How am I to explain this for the Dean. Shit, shit, shit! Okay, now. Breathing deeply in and out. Think happy thought. Think of Nigel. Okay that's better. I have to do something special for him. But I don't know what! Shit, I am so unfamiliar with this. The last eight years I have never been in a position where I wanted to do something nice for a guy. But Nigel is different. What can it be?

The End. For now.