A/N: I am officially insane. Really. I am. This idea came to me when I was on the bus, going on about how God was racist because there are more black snakes then white ones (don't ask) and suddenly I got this idea for a Harry Potter parody focused on H/G that uses all of the plots from fanfics. So every chapter, the plot changes.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling will come across this fic, and she will cry. Because I have destroyed Harry Potter. All the good that was once in it has been sucked out. It is dead. Dead as a doornail. And she will weep over the loss of her plot.
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Ever-Changing Plot
Harry Potter was sitting in his room in during the summer, because that's how fics always start. He was not a very chipper boy in this morning, because he hadn't had his coffee.
And Harry Potter couldn't live without his -
Oh. Wait. What?
Harry Potter isn't a coffee fiend?
Oh, right! Sorry! That's a different story!
So, then. Harry wasn't happy because...erm...oh! Because he'd just lost his godfather! Right! So, Harry had lost his godfather at the end of last year and was probably feeling guilty and sad. He undoubtedly missed the only family member he had left.
Although, he didn't really have him anymore, did he?
Anyway, he probably hadn't had any letters from his friends that made him feel better because Ron and Hermione are probably too busy falling in love to notice that their best friend is slowly but surely dying inside although this is completely out of character.
And, even more out of character, Ginny Weasley DOES notice. Even though she hasn't recieved any letters from Harry. Even though they aren't really what you would call "friends". Even though she's never really spoken to him alone, except once in fifth year.
She writes to him, instead, and for some reason her bluntness, unstead of pissing Harry off, like it should have if Harry were in character, instead made him suddenly see that he was a git and that nothing was ever his fault!
Dear Harry, she had written,
It's not your fault. I am being blunt. Sirius was cool. But he's dead. And it's too bad, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles, you know? So yeah. Don't be sad.
-Ginevra Weasley, although I hate the name 'Ginevra'. I still sign all my letters to you like that because I am out of character. Obviously.
This letter showed Harry the light and he wasn't depressed anymore! So he wrote back.
You're right. I know. Thanks.
And then they began to correspond, and Ron probably got jealous because Ginny was getting more letters than he was, and Hermione probably said out of character things, like, "Omigod! Ginny! That's so, like, great! Because over the summer I got a makeover! And my hair is all glossy now and I'm really skinny and I wear makeup and clothes that are too small! And Ron will, like, love me for me! And I know you never really got over Harry, you just, like, gave up on him! Woah! I gotta go, like, read! Totally!"
And Ginny probably squealed and ran up to her room and mused over how she truly loved Harry Potter and how she thought she had a crush on him but she knows she doesn't because it evolved into something more. And she's probably unhappy because Harry is unhappy. And she probably fills out in all the right places and is suddenly the most beautiful thing since Celestia Warkbeck.
Mum says you're coming to the Burrow soon. Awesome.
Wicked! Brilliant! Hot stuff!
Oh, wait, no, that's American lingo. Whoops.
Oh, no, I did it too!
And then, the day before Harry was meant to go to the Burrow, the rickety house was attacked! So, because everyone was rendered temporarily insane, Ginny was sent to stay with Harry instead of Ron or Hermione.
Because that's just the way these things work, you know.
She knocked on the front door and Harry answered. "Ginny?" He asked. "Is that you?"
Because she looked stunning and all that.
"Yeah it's me Harry" she answered without punctuating the end of her quotation. "Can I come in"
And Harry didn't punctuate either because he was desperately in need of a beta. So then the Dursleys just decided to be nice for the first time in their lives and allowed Ginny to stay and Dudley undoubtedly drooled over Ginny and Harry got all protective and growled at him.
"Don't touch her!" He shouted, blind with rage, and then realized he'd forgotten to add, 'You great lump of lard!' so he did. "You great lump of lard!"
And Ginny giggled and Dudley drooled and Vernon went to the drill company and Petunia paled and Harry was angry. And then Harry led Ginny upstairs and she was still giggling and Dudley was still drooling and Vernon stayed at the drill company and Petunia was still pale.
"Wow, Harry, is this the cupboard you lived in?" Ginny asked, completely blowing off the fact that it would be something of a senstitive subject for Harry.
"Yeah," Harry answered because no one uses good 'talking words' anymore.
"I feel so mad at these Muggles," Ginny said, "For doing that to you. They are so mean. I hate them. You deserve better."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I know," he said nonchalantly. And Ginny gave him a funny look because he wasn't supposed to say that. "I mean - er - I don't deserve better. I've been corrupted and have an inferiority complex."
And so they went upstairs and Harry blushed but he couldn't figure out why. And Ginny sat on the bed and they sort of just remained there for a few moments until, "You can sleep on the bed, I'll sleep on the floor."
So they agreed on that and later that night, Harry had a horrid nightmare in which Voldemort was doing a tapdance. And Ginny touched him to wake him up and the nightmare dissapeared. So Ginny and Harry had to sleep together for the rest of her stay.
But that stay wouldn't be long, because Harry still had to dissapear and get super powers. But that's not until the next chapter, when the plot changes for the first time...