Dear Mr. Moody,
You asked to see the latest Periodic Conduct Review on Professor Severus Snape, currently out on License from Azkaban Prison. The Review was carried out yesterday and the Report was owled from the "Blue Badger" pub in the early hours of this morning. It appears to have been jointly written during the course of the preceding evening. (I have pencilled in the presumed authors of the various parts).
Periodic Licensee Review.
(You lot are in for something new),
Of Severus Snape: Potions Master.
This has been a damned disaster.
The Professor led us down through dungeons dark and dim.
And all of us were very "civilized" with him.
Even though I thought that I
Saw something in his manner of the "Spider to the Fly".
In his rooms, a house-elf brought us sticky-buns and tea.
And then he claimed that he'd a tricky potion he
Regretted required immediate attention.
He would not be too long but he really ought to mention
That it would be most unwise to touch
Anything at all and we had all much
Better sit and wait for his return.
And then he stalked off muttering "Some people never learn."
And so, of course, we looked around
And nothing untoward was found.
'Til Gates spied an erotic book.
Of course he had to take a look.
A book of verse, open at a picture.
He picked it up, ignored all stricture.
And then showed Styles the illustration
To aggravate the situation.
I took it off them, put it back,
And gave my esteemed colleagues flack.
So all of us had touched the book.
Then Snape returned with an odd look
About him. Something in his eyes.
Of course we did not realise,
'Till sometime after we got back,
The nature of the snake's attack.
What kind of shit thinks up a curse
That makes its victim speak in verse?
We've seen the Ministry Frauds and Quacks,
Who say that we should just relax.
In rhyme we write, in verse we speak.
The problem could persist all week.
And no, there's nothing they can do,
"Just treat it like a dose of flu.'
And so we thought perhaps we should,
Just for our colleagues greater good,
Abandon the Ministry for the bar.
A pleasanter, safer place by far.
All our colleagues did was grin,
And ask "Is Hiawatha in?"
I'm pleased to tell you they're unhexed.
Though Styles and Gates were somewhat vexed,
And I myself am not amused.
I'm feeling rather badly used.
Though this tale needs to be related,
Could not this report have waited
Until the worst effects had gone?
I lost at paper, scissors, stone.
I'm pretty sure the bastards cheated.
(The arguments became quite heated).
But Styles has bought another round.
(Most of the last one's on the ground).
And now the parchment is quite dry,
I think perhaps that Styles should try.
The woman is an utter nutter.
The language would disgrace a gutter.
Though given what she's had to drink,
It's probably harder than you'd think.
But I'm not into suicide.
I certainly would not deride
The effort she's put into rhyme
(Though some fools do it all the time).
No need for for violence and raving.
Snape appears to be behaving.
And now I've better things to do.
So Gates can finish this Review.
I really think you should recall
That Styles is Slytherin after all.
We went to Hogwarts as instructed.
And there we were severely fuckeded.
And Snape's a dirty, devious dastard.
And someone should AK the bastard.
As you can see, the team have shown considerable tenacity and restraint and have acted with commendable speed to protect their fellow Aurors. They have also recommended an effective (if regrettably illegal) solution to a particularly egregious problem. As you know a "Judgement of Peers" is in progress for these apprentices and while 'Assessments' are outstandingly favourable, we have not as yet received your response. As we hope to proceed with the "Confirmation as Auror" of all three as soon as possible, I trust that we may expect this soon.