Breaking the Band by Jasmine Starlight.
Disclaimer: Home. Is this a quiet place where you should be alone? Is this where the tortured find their own?
A/N: Wow more chapters? And so quickly? I will never cease amazing myself.CHAPTER TWO GREASELESS GREASEBALL
Complete silence was of course too much to expect from Sirius, wasn't it?
A nanosecond after discovering Bleveruv Blake's true identity.
If you're just tuning in, you are either a) really late b) kidnapped by a pedophile posing as a dark lord c) so extremely dyslexic you skipped chapter one and went straight to the drama or d) horrifically late, so late that this author is so shocked that she just might stop writing this fiction altogether because of it. Nah just kidding, where were we?
Oh yes, after that very long nanosecond had finished Sirius started sputtering.
Not just your average run-of-the-mill nervous dude sputtering, there was something odd about this particular type of sputtering.
Sirius seemed to be mouthing something and couldn't seem to communicate it in words so sounds would apparently do the trick.
Not so much.
Severus seemed to be amused by the whole fiasco.
He would, he was after all sadistic like that.
Remus sighed, there was nothing more he could do than pick up the pieces.
And maybe conjure a muzzle for Sirius.
And a hood for Severus.
Maybe he would just kidnap them both and strand them on a deserted island, where they would be forced to become friends or eat each other.
Then he could make it into a reality show where the annoying host is so clean and well kept that the contestants would want to strangle the hygienic moron.
He would up the ante by choosing Gilderoy Lockhart to be the host because that man was just irritation in its pure undiluted form, but never mind the evil scheming of our favorite lycanthrope, said evil scheme will be published in a one-shot when this author has nothing better to do than write pointless stories instead of finish or update the one's she has already.
But back to the actual story, when eventually and in Severus' case inevitably, Sirius had gained use of his vocal chords, he didn't speak.
Didn't mutter. Stutter, sputter, or murmur.
This was quite vexing to Remus, who had seen Sirius angry, spitting mad really, and this wasn't the Sirius he remembered.
Something was off.
Instead of finishing his move to congratulate Snape as he had planned on, he returned back to the table, cluttered with empty XXX shot butterbeer bottles, Fizzing Whizbee wrappers, half eaten blood lollies, the lone picture of Lily Evans (courtesy of James), pieces of scrap parchment, and broken quills.
Sweeping his arm in a wide arc he cleared a place on the table, cleared it so he could see the worn blue tablecloth.
Then he began rhythmically banging his head on the table.
Making the legs of said table quiver with fear, and the pile of rubbish he had created to shudder violently.
James cleared his throat awkwardly.
Remus tried to break the suffocating silence by engaging Severus in a conversation
"So, how's life been treating you, Severus?" he asked nervously, absently tugging at his collar.
"Well enough." he replied in a silky voice that was unfamiliar to James and Remus.
"That's great." Chorused James in a voice only he could muster in such a situation.
Frank tried desperately to find something that would drown out the repeated thumping from Sirius.
"So, Severus, did you do something different with your hair?" he asked in a valiant attempt to start conversation.
This apparently was the wrong thing to say as Severus glowered and Remus and James winced at his faux pas.
Sirius snorted as he momentarily paused in his self imposed bludgeoning.
Then he resumed.
Something had to be done, this thumping was driving Remus up the wall.
James noticing his friend's distress, decided to play the part he frequented so often, the hero, which was obviously a character flaw, a cliché at that, so James in his infinite and omnipotent wisdom had come up with a brilliant solution to make Sirius cease and desist his infernal thumping.
He took one of the XXX shot butterbeer bottles and quick as, well, quicksilver placed it onto the spot where Sirius' head would meet with the table.
Now Sirius too busy with the prospect of the sound of his brain sloshing together, failed to notice the cylindrical object placed between his head and his head's destination.
End result: TOTAL CHAOS.
Maybe a slight exaggeration on the author's part but not that far from the truth if one truly were to think about it.
When Sirius' head met the brown bottle, it inevitably shattered into a million tiny pieces that will lodge themselves in the most unfortunate places and horribly frustrate the janitorial staff, but we'll get into that later.
The ensuing yell of agony was much worse than the thumping that preceded it.
It faintly reminded Remus of the auditionee who sounded like a mating elephant.
Fortunately no real damage was done to Sirius' thick skull.
Good thing too because Remus didn't know how much more yelling would occur before this whole catastrophe was over and Remus could collapse into a giant bowl of Jell-O.
Why Jell-O you ask? Well for one it reminded Remus of a lava lamp he had once had before James and Sirius had knocked it down spilling oddly colored goo onto the floor of their dormitory.
Lava lamps had always brought him an odd sense of self-calm.
Remus never knew why, but hey who doesn't like floating colored goo floating in more goo that's illuminated?
Anyway back to the Jell-O, Remus had always wondered what it would be like to take a Jell-O bath.
What color would be best?
Red? Green? Orange? A nice tapioca maybe?
Remus was currently contemplating which would be the best way to suffocate James and Sirius in a giant bowl of Jell-O.
Would it suffice to hold their heads under said goo until they merely suffocated?
Or maybe death by gluttony. Make them eat the gelatin surrounding them until the exploded into a million gooey pieces that would forever frustrate the janitorial staff.
He would never know for that very second a not so surprising plot twist was coming his way.
Cue the 'DUN DUN DUN DUN!'
Once more the doors slammed open to reveal a sandy blonde haired woman, with youthful eyes and a pensive look drawn across her attractive features.Remus blinked.
What was Arabella Figg doing here?
Never mind the reason. How did Remus look?
Frantically he began to search for a mirror.
Severus let out a derisive snort.
Remus' eyes narrowed, getting an evil thought.
"Severus, don't look now but Akio's right behind her."
Severus' eyes visibly widened.
He too joined the search for a mirror.END
6 PAGES OF GOO!