Disclaimer: All characters belong to C.S. Forester and A&E. The song 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' belongs to the Beatles. Ne sue pas.

Warning: Violence, mild profanity. Less mild insanity.

Author's Note: This is the result of watching Retribution and listening to Abbey Road in quick succession. I guess it's AU, since the plot isn't exactly the same, but it's not really meant to be a serious alternate ending. I just thought it was funny. The judge is Hammond, by the way. I don't like him. Anyway, have fun. Tell me if you like it!

Wellard's Silver Hammer

Hobbs was spying on

Men the captain thought had gone

To plot mutiny

Creeping down the hold in the darkness

Hee hee hee hee

Wellard, Midshipman,

Captain had him whipped again

He begged on his knees,

"Can you take my watch for me Ho-obbs,

Plea—ea—ea—ease?"

But as he's getting ready to go,

A knock comes on the door

(Ba doomp doomp)

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer came down on his head

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer made sure that he was dead!

Stripes on his ass again

Checks the hourglass again

Sawyer gets annoyed

Wishing to avoid an unpleasant sce—e—e—ene

He tells Well to stay

When the crew has gone away

So he waits behind, saying,

"I don't mind

You can just leave me—e—e—e."

But when he turns his back on the boy,

He creeps up from behind

(Ba doomp doomp)

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer came down on his head

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer made sure that he was dead!

Mr. Buckland said,

"Wellard made the captain dead,

Made him go crazy,

Those lieutenants put him up to it,

Re—e—e—ally!"

Bush and Hornblower,

Screaming from the courtroom door,

Say he must go free

("Wellard must go free!")

The judge does not agree

And he tells them clea—e—e—early

But as the words are leaving his lips,

A noise comes from behind

(Ba doomp doomp)

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer came down on his head

Bang, bang,

Wellard's silver hammer made sure that he was dead!