Soujiro

by Ashfae


These are not tears--
I do not cry.
Perhaps the rain is falling.

These are not tears--
I lost mine long ago.
I locked them away behind my smile.

I laugh when I should feel pain
and gaze calmly on things I should fear.
I am not afraid.

I have seen blood running along the edge of my sword.
I have seen blood dripping off of my fingers.
That is how I shed tears now.

This is my greatest challenge:
this person who stands for everything
I have never believed in.
This person who stands for everything I lost.

I am not afraid.
The strong survive, and the weak must die.
I am not afraid.

And yet...

He fights to protect, even though he knows
a sword is meant only for killing.
And there is no doubt in his eyes.
No doubt at all.

I can not be wrong.
I am not afraid.
And yet...and yet...

Why did no one protect me, that night?
Why did no one protect me, in my whole life?
If anyone ever needed help, it was I.
I fought and overcame, and saved myself.
I made myself stronger than they.
I made certain they would never hurt me again--
that no one would ever hurt me.

I did not want to kill them.
It had to happen. It was them or me,
and there was no one to protect me.

He should have been there!
If he truly believes in his reverse sword
then he should have been there for me!

The strong survive, and the weak must die.
It must be true!

Because, if not...
if it is I who am wrong...
if this smile fades...

I am already beaten.

It is no surprise to me that I am disarmed,
because I remember, now,
that while blood dripped off of my sword that night,
while I was smiling,
rain was washing away my tears.

I did not want to be strong,
not at such a price.
I just wanted to live.
I still want to live
even though I have lost everything I believed in.

He will give me no answers.
I must go find my own truths.
I must go.

Perhaps now...
perhaps now I can let these tears fall.


ashfae@technicaldetails.org
http://www.ashfae.net