Since everyone asked for it, this is the bonus chapter of Winter Wonderland. It has nothing to do with it; It just has snow, and it's pure comedy! XD! And if you like this fic, I'll be doing a fic called Heatwave so be on the watch for that.

If anyone has any other ideas for these little nonsense chapters IE sledding, etc. then please speak up. I'd love to hear what everyone wants to read!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or Dumb and Dumber.

Integra was calmly doing some random paperwork when Seras burst into her office. The woman looked up, a little surprised and miffed at the sudden intrusion. Then she noticed that the Police Girl looked a little distressed. She was panting, her hair was ruffled, her clothes wrinkled and wet.

"Ha..Ma...Master.." She panted, putting her hands on her knees. "He..Master...Ha...Pant..."

Integra arched an eyebrow. This couldn't be good, for many reasons. Seras was out of breath, Alucard was nowhere in sight, and it was snowing outside. She calmly lit a cigar and inhaled deeply, waiting for Seras to compose herself. "Seras?"


"Breath. Technically, you don't need to, but it'd be best if you caught your breath." The vampiress nodded, finally catching it and standing up straight. "Now. Tell what Alucard has gotten himself into."

"Well...You see...We were outside, right?"

A nod.

"And we were going to play around in the snow, right?"

A slight eye twitch and another nod.


"Spit it out, Police Girl."

She sweatdropped. "..Master...He got his tongue stuck to a pole."

There are some things that just don't make sense.

Chia Pets...Tamagotchis...Spam...

But in all his years, this was a first for Walter. He had to take off his monocle to make sure that he was not imagining this. He rubbed his other eye and nodded his head.


He was not imagining this.

Alucard was, in fact, stuck to a pole. The vampire's back was to him, hsi face extremely close to the pole, sitting on his knees, whimpering. Every time he tried to pull back from the pole, he would yelp and only get stuck even more.

Walter arched an eyebrow. "...Would you care to explain, Alucard?" He asked the vampire, who visibly twitched.

"'HUT 'P! 'OT 'UNNY!" Alucard tried to say, but he had no use of his tongue.

Because it was stuck to the pole.

The night had started out alright; Seras was happy the snow was still out and Alucard had been in a good mood. They were just going out to enjoy the snow. Then, Seras started talking about how she missed going outside as a child and catching the snowflakes in her mouth. She couldn't even taste it now. So, as a joke, Alucard licked one of the poles.

Which would have been funny by itself if it wasn't for the fact that this certain pole was covered in frost. And Alucard's tongue was dry.

Seras had gotten Walter and Sir Integra, leaving Alucard extremely upset and in a humilating position.

This leaves one to wonder why Alucard, who has all kinds of power and has proved time and time again not to be trifled with, couldn't get his tongue away from the pole. Well, the first fact was that it was nearly literally glued to it.

The second was the fact that it really, really, really, really hurt.

The third was that Alucard had never been in this situation before and didn't know how to get himself out.

Walter couldn't stop chuckling softly, though he was a little wary. The vampire was still dangerous. Though, one wouldn't think it. "Alucard, why don't you just...phase out of the pole?"

"I 'IED!" He snapped (or blubbered). " 'I 'AN'T 'O 'I!" Translation: I can't do it.

"And why not?"

BECAUSE WHEN I DO, THE POLE COMES WITH ME! He shouted in Walter's head, growling on the outside. Walter's eye twitched slightly at the furious voice in his mind but shrugged it off.

"Well, well, well..." A new voice said. Walter looked over his shoulder while Alucard paled and started struggling violently againist his steely captor. The only thing is succeeded in was a very loud ripping sound and some broken curses from the poor vampire. "Look who we have here."

Integra was grinning a little evilly, chuckling as she watched her usually suave servant try desperately to get away. "Well, Alucard?" She said expectantly. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Silence. Seras, who was behind the taller blonde, looked from one Master, to the other.

"How does it feel tobe a fly in a trap?" Integra continued, circling Alucard. "Do you like it? Do you like actually getting into a situation because of your constant joking?"

Again, silence. Though both Walter and Seras could hear an extremely soft growl.

"Well? How are you going to get out of this one? Huh? What do you have to say?"

Well, Master? Would really know what I say? Because if you want the truth, I think you're a-


Before either of the onlookers could move or realize what was happening, Integra had kicked Alucard's head into the pole. Hard. It suprised Alucard so much that he pulled his head back a lot harder than he had been. This time, the ripping sound was extremely loud.

And so was Alucard's scream of pain.

"Ummm...Sir Integra?" Seras piped up, watching as her Master was rolling around on the snow, cursing in three different languages. "...You did know that we could have just used hot water...Right?"

"Yes, Seras," Integra replied calmly. "But I like this way better."

Seras had to cover her mouth and fight back a giggle the next day when she passed by Alucard in the basement. He caught the sound and turned, glaring at daggers at her.

" 'Hut up, Polish Gir'," He snarled, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

o-o I actually updated a story quickly...Wow. A new record. I hope everyone enjoys this. Like I said, there may be war...DO I hear Hellsing VS the Iscariot Section XIII? n-n Possibly. Until we meet again! Adios!