Cannonball Run 4 1/2: Qualifying Run

AN:And here's part two.
Once again, I'd like to thank Turbo Man for his suggestions.

Phil walked through the parking lot of the San Diego Convention Center. "Currently the tryouts for the Cannonball Run are in the vicinity of San Francisco." he announced. "They still have around eight hundred miles to go before they reach Seattle, the Space Needle, and the finish line. We still don't have even an estimate as to who is in the lead at the moment, but we do know who is unfortunate enough to be in last." Phil walked over to Groove and Taurus. A mechanic was working on the Ace behind them. "Groove and Taurus, what went wrong?" asked Phil.

"I dunno." said Groove. "The stupid thing just wouldn't catch."

"I admit it was kind of disheartening to watch everybody else speed off while we just sat there." said Taurus. "Hopefully, we can still make a decent showing."

"Who's that working on the car?" asked Phil.

"That's Skeeter, he's a friend of ours." said Groove. "If he can't get it working, no one can."

"Do you think you still have a chance?" asked Phil.

"Hell no." laughed Taurus. "I think we'll just show up just to say we finished."

"Well, if Skeeter can't get the Ace working, just catch a flight." said Phil.

Phil walked away and into a waiting taxi.

"Hey, think we should check on Skeeter?" asked Groove.

"Yeah, why not?" said Taurus.

Groove and Taurus walked over to Skeeter to find him working on the engine.

"Hey, Skeeter." said Taurus. "How does it look?"

"I think I know why it ain't working." said Skeeter. "The carbureter's missing."

"Uh, Skeeter." said Groove. "This is a fuel injected engine. It doesn't have a carburetor."

"That's what I said." said Skeeter. "The carburetor's missing."

"Uh, what Groove means is that it never had a carburetor." said Taurus.

"Huh?" replied Skeeter. "How'd it run in the first place?"


Just north of San Francisco, the Renegade cruised along. Jack and Dennis had traded seats.

"Now, don't you wish you took the wheel to begin with?" asked Dennis.

"Yes, I do." said Jack. "Hold on, I gotta tell Donald about this." He took out his cel phone and dialed. After it rang a couple of times, someone picked up. "Hi, Donald. It's Jack. How's 'The Apprentice' going? Oh, what's that? Oh." He pulled the phone away and said "He's shooting an episode now." he went back to the phone and said. "Okay. What? Dennis, come here."

Dennis leaned over and they listened in. They heard Donald say "Morris, you completely ignored the needs of the client and your team suffered for that. Frankly, I don't want someone like that running one of my companies. Morris, you're fired."

"Ooh!" said Dennis.

"So, Donald, when does that episode air?" asked Jack.

"I just thought of a bet to make with Kevin." said Dennis.


Not far away, Kramer had picked up a hitchhiker. "So, where are you going?" he asked.

"Anywhere but California." said the hitchhiker.

"Running from your past?"

"Something like that." said the man.

"I'm on my way to Seattle." said Kramer. "Wanna go there?"

"No, somewhere in Oregon is good." said his passenger.

Kramer checked his rearview and saw police lights. "Uh oh." he said. "Hold on."

He pulled over. The officer behind him got out of the car and was joined by his partner and another police car. All the officers had their guns drawn.

"What'd I do?" asked Kramer. "Just relax, I'll try to get us out of this."

The officers walked up to the car. "Sir, please get out of the car." ordered one of them.

"I was only speeding." protested Kramer.

"Speeding seems like a slap on the wrist compared to this guy's crimes." said the officer. "Good thing we caught up with you before the state line. Oregon's not one of the seven states he's wanted in."

The hitchhiker jumped up and pulled out a gun of his own. "Back away or he dies!"

Kramer screamed and threw open his door open. He tried to climb out, but his seat harness was still on.

"Just back away." said the hitchhiker.

"Just relax." said the officer. "Don't do anything stupid."

Just then, Kramer got his seat harness undone and tumbled out of the driver's seat. On the way down, he flailed his legs and accidentally kicked the gun out of the hitchhiker's hand.

"Grab him!" yelled one cop. He and his fellow officers rushed the man and tackled him.

Kramer picked himself up as the hitchhiker was carried away in handcuffs.

"Nice catch." said the officer. "This guy is going away for a long time."

"Can I go?" asked Kramer. "I'm kind of in a hurry."

"Sure, go." said the officer.

Kramer walked back to the Mantis 2 and sat on the headrest of the driver's seat as he closed the door.

"Hey." said the officer. "Why did you risk your life like that to bring this guy in?"

"Because...I'm Kramer." he responded as he slid down into the seat.


Somewhere to the north, the Vortex weaved through traffic with a police car on its tail.

"This is unit 6 in pursuit of a red RX-7 proceeding north on Interstate 5 at a high rate of speed. Apprehension is imminent."

Nash raced along. "Nash, you have to lose this guy." pleaded Monk.

"I'm working on it, Adrian." said Nash. He came up behind two trucks running side by side. The one on the right was a car carrier. "Watch this." said Nash.

He pulled onto the shoulder and passed the trucks on their left. When he got in front of them, he swerved over to the right shoulder and let the trucks pass him. At this time, the police car was following on the left shoulder. After the trucks passed the Vortex, Nash pulled behind the car carrier.

Nash looked at the bumper sticker on the car carrier which read "Keep On Trucking." He picked up the radio and said "Yeah, Keep on Trucking? This is Vortex on your tail. Can you help me ditch this smokey here?"

"I hear you, son." said the trucker. He lowered the ramp on the carrier. As soon as it was down, Nash drove right up.

"Genius!" yelled Monk. "Pure genius!"

"Just experience, Adrian." said Nash. "You see, I understand the law enforcement mentality. You look for speeders on the road, not above it."

"True, true." said Monk.

Just then, there was a knock on the roof. Nash opened his window to see what it was. It was the pursuing officer. "May I see your license please?" he asked.

The truck passed a sign that read "Welcome to Oregon".

"What do you know?" said Nash. "Now that we're out of California, you're out of your jurisdiction. Capiche?"


"We've got reports that several of the teams have now entered the state of Oregon." announced Thunder Bob. "Are any of them sure things? Let's ask this next caller. Hello, you're on the air."

A shrilly high voice said "Hi, Mister Bob. This is Karen Walker in New York. I know Will and Jack and I know they will be very high up on the list."

"Damn, girl!" said Thunder Bob. "You shatter glass with that voice? They can do things for that!"

"Oh, you should be one to talk, Thunder Bob! Did you inherit Barry White's voice?"

"Seriously, lady. I've heard dolphins with lower voices. You should take something for that."

"Is there a pill I could take for this? There's a pill I've missed?"

"The final piece of the puzzle." said Thunder Bob. "We still have aways to go for our teams. Until then, here's the lostprophets."


With you it's never good enough,
because you want the stuff that can change your future.
Your life's amongst a sea of chance,
and the more you dance,
it just gets you sinking deeper.

It's okay, don't apologize.
You don't know what you're striving for.
You never seem to try.
It's too early, go live your life.
Keep on moving, it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!
Now, it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!

Everything seems tempting, but nothing comes for free.
I often wonder how you drive, when the road's too dark to see.
It's too early, it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!

Relight the fire to watch it burn,
but when it comes your turn,
all that's left is embers.
You ran this race with no real heart.
You're right back at the start.
You'd already lost it.

It's okay, don't apologize.
You don't know what you're striving for.
You never seem to try.
It's too early, go live your life.
Keep on moving, it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!
Now it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!

Everything seems tempting, but nothing comes for free.
I often wonder how you drive, when the road's too dark to see.

It's too early, it's time to.
Ride! Ride! Ride!

Everything feels tempting, you don't know who to be.
I often wonder how you feel, when you're lying next to me.

It's too early, it's time to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's all road.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
after all I've said.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
no way to turn.

You know it's not enough.
You know it's not enough.
You know it's not enough.

-"Ride" by lostprophets


Larry kept on racing into Oregon. "Looks like those racers from Miami were all talk." he said.

"Yeah, we haven't seen them since San Diego." said Emilio. "I wonder what happened to them."

Just then, the Frenzy came up behind them and tried to pass. Slapjack was driving.

"Ask and you shall receive." said Larry.

The Frenzy pulled alongside the Storm. "Hey, you guys think you're gonna be first to Seattle?" yelled Orange Julius.

"You know we are!" replied Larry.

"Catch ya later!" yelled Slapjack. The Frenzy raced forth.

"Hey, he's passing us!" said Emilio.

"Not for long." said Larry. He threw the Storm into the next gear and floored it.

The Storm started to close the gap with the Frenzy. Slapjack noticed and put it into the next gear and pulled away.

"What are you doing, man?" asked Emilio. "You're losing!"

"Watch." said Larry.

A couple of miles down the road, Larry passed the Frenzy. It was now Slapjack's turn to be pulled over.

The Midnight Club members laughed and waved. Emilio yelled something in Spanish and said "Say bye bye! Bye bye! Bye bye to the nice man!"


Just south of Eugene, Sam and Woody continued to drive.

"Hey, Sam." said Woody. "Do you think we might have time to visit the Kingdome when we get to Seattle?"

"I think we can make time after the race." said Sam.

"Oh shoot!" said Woody. "First we have to finish the qualification, then the race, then we can visit the Kingdome."

"Actually, Wood, I was talking about finishing the qualification." said Sam.

"Oh, okay." said Woody.

Sam shook his head as he passed a tractor trailer. The man driving the truck took one glance at the Vapor and said "Sam Malone? Well, he's gonna pay for that one night stand."

The truck raced up behind the car and rammed its bumper. Sam turned around and yelled "Hey, watch it!" Then, he got really scared and accelerated.

"Sam, what's wrong?" asked Woody.

"I know that guy." said Sam. "I slept with his wife."

"Why'd you do that?" asked Woody.

"Because I didn't know he existed." said Sam.

"Oh." said Woody.

Sam floored the accelerator to try to lose the truck. Just down the highway, Max Payne checked his rearview. He saw the Vapor getting attacked. "Those are the guys who warned me about that speed trap." he said. "I have to help them."

Max reduced his speed and allowed the Vapor to pull alongside. "Need help?" he asked.

"Yeah! Please?" replied Sam.

"Okay, but I'll need someone to drive." said Max.

"I got it." said Woody. He crawled out of the window of the Vapor and into the window of the Shadow. Max climbed out of the driver's seat and crawled out the other window.

Max stood on the roof of the Shadow and pulled out a pair of guns. "Go easy on him, he's just a jealous husband!" yelled Sam.

"No prob." said Max. He took aim at the truck's tires and time slowed down. Max pulled the triggers several times and the truck's tire exploded.

Max climbed back into the window and said "That takes care of that."

"Thanks, man." said Sam. "Give me back Woody and I'll see you in Seattle."


Kim Bauer continued to drive the Blast through Oregon's Cascade Range.

"Any sign of cops?" asked Jack.

"None." said Kim.

Just then, a police car got on their tail.

"Spoke too soon." said Kim. She floored the accelerator.


"Come on, Kim, lose this guy." said Jack.

"I'm trying, but these roads are murder." said Kim.

Suddenly, they were passed by the Strike.

"Kim, that's the other secret agent!" yelled Jack.

"Let's get her attention." said Kim.

She drove forward and bumped the Strike.

"What was that?" asked Ron.

"That was the other secret agent." said Kim Possible. "I think she needs help. And I think I see why."

The Blast pulled alongside the Strike.

"Agent Possible!" yelled Jack.

"Agent Bauer, what seems to be the problem?" asked Kim Possible.

"Help me ditch these guys!" yelled Jack.

"No prob." said Kim Possible.

The Strike pulled back behind the Blast and blocked the police car. Everytime the police car tried to pass, the Strike moved in front of it.

The Blast quickly made tracks and the police focused on the Strike.

"What are we going to do?" asked Ron.

"Watch, Ron." said Kim.

Kim turned down a side road and drove some distance. Eventually, she came upon a lumber yard and turned into it.

"What are you doing?" asked Ron.

"Hold on." said Kim. She backed into a spot between stacks of lumber.

"Where are they?" asked one of the police officers.

"Keep looking." said his partner.

"He's going to find us." said Ron.

"No, he's not." said Kim.

"There they are!" yelled the cop. "Behind that stack."

"Let's go!" yelled Kim.

She floored the accelerator and peeled out. Unfortunately, she still had it in reverse and backed into the stack. The stack fell over on top of the police car.

"Oh boy." said Ron.

"As I said, let's go!" said Kim.


Just outside of Astoria, the Hills pulled into a dilapidated restaurant's parking lot and entered the place to find it empty.

"Where is everybody?" asked Bobby.

"I don't know, Bobby, but this place doesn't look too good." said Hank.

"Welcome to the Lighthouse Lounge." said a man behind them. He wore glasses and a rather obvious toupee. "Can I be of assistance?"

"We're looking for a place to eat." said Hank.

Just then, a man with dark curly hair stumbled out of the kitchen with a loud crash. "Francis, that damn oven is still not working!" he yelled. "I think you should get off your fat, lazy ass and work on..."

"Jake, we have customers." said Francis.

"Can't you send them somewhere else?" asked Jake. "The oven isn't working."

"Jake, we just got out of prison two months ago and I'd like to at least try to go straight." said Francis. "So shut up and make something. So, what would you like?"

"Uh, just water is fine." said Hank.

"Yeah, just water." said Bobby.

"Jake, two waters." said Francis. "Please, have a seat."

Hank and Bobby walked up to a table and sat down.

"Dad, I don't know about this place." said Bobby.

"Well, we'll just get our water, drink it and be off." said Hank.

Jake walked over and dropped a couple of glasses of a brown watery fluid on the table.

"Eewwwww!" squealed Bobby.

"I, uh, think you have a problem with your water filtration system." said Hank.

"Francis, the water filtration system is crapping out again!" yelled Jake.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" yelled Francis. "The damn thing isn't in my area of expertise and the repairman isn't coming until Tuesday!"

"You installed it!" yelled Jake. "Don't you know anything about the things you work with?"

"You're the one who let the warranty run out!" yelled Francis.

"Well, we could've gotten an extended warranty if we hadn't spent the money on your toupee!" yelled Jake.

"I DON'T WEAR A HAIRPIECE!" yelled Francis before he ran over and tackled Jake.

"Dad, what do we do?" asked Bobby.

"I think we should just pay for the water and head for Washington." said Hank as he got up.


Will and Jack raced towards the city of Longview, a police car hot on their tail.

"Oh, look. We're nearing Longview." said Jack. "Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit, I'm sick of all the same old..."

"Jack, this is no time to be singing Greenday songs." said Will. "We've got a cop on our tail."

"I'm in the house with unlocked doors and I'm f..." sang KARR.

"KARR, that means you too." said Will.

"Maybe you can disguise me somehow." said KARR.

"That's actually not a bad idea." said Will. "We'll see if there's a shop for that in the next city."

Will took the exit for Longview and immediately started looking for someplace to remodel the car.

"Now, make a left." said KARR. Will took the left and found the place he was looking for, TransFender.

"This looks like a nice place." said Jack as Will pulled into the shop.

"Hey, buddy." said the shop manager. "What would you like?"

"How about a date?" asked Jack.

"We'd like you to restyle this car, please." said Will. "And hurry."

"Oh, I get ya." said the manager. "Say no more. So, what would you like done?"

"A color change would be in order." said KARR.

"What color?" asked the manager.

"How about taffeta?" asked Jack.

"Can't you say 'white' like everybody else?" asked Will.

"Sounds good." said KARR.

"And perhaps that nice spoiler over there." said Jack.

"What?" asked KARR.

"And maybe you could do a nice little mural of my stage show, 'Just Jack!'" said Jack.

"Ignore him, please." pleaded KARR.

"Oh, and some new neons would be nice." said Jack. "Do you have them in pink?"

"You know, I just ran a diagnostic and I think I found one other system that wasn't deactivated." said KARR.

"Oh, really?" asked Jack. "What's that?"

KARR opened a roof panel and ejected Jack into the rafters.

Will looked up at him and asked the manager "While he's up there, do you need any lightbulbs changed?"


The Wolfpack approached Olympia sometime later. The Cody Brothers had switched seats and Blane was now driving.

"Keep going." said Duane. "Just keep going and we'll make it."

Blane looked over at the car next to him. The girl in the passenger seat smiled at him. Blane quickly recognized her. They had previously met while he and Duane were taking part in Sinclair's "rat race".

Blane smiled back at her. She opened her mouth to show him she had her tongue stud removed. He did the same to show her likewise.

"Blane, Blane, Blane!" sputtered Duane.

Blane looked ahead to see that he was heading for the back end of a police car. Blane quickly swerved around it. Unfortunately, the police officer took pursuit.

"Come on, lose this guy!" said Duane.

"Om trine!" groaned Blane. (Translation: I'm trying!)

Just down the road, the Crank was driving along.

"Just guess what number I'm thinking of." said Peter.

"Four." said Brian.

"Hey, how'd you know?" asked Peter.

"It's the same number you thought of the last three times." said Brian.

"You know, I gotta pull over and take a leak." said Peter.

The Wolfpack passed him just as he was pulling over. The police car swerved to avoid hitting him and hit the guardrail, rolling over several times.

"Boy, they got some bad drivers here." said Peter.

Duane squealed in laughter and they kept driving.


Just north of Tacoma, the Strike was pulled over.

"Relax." said Kim. "I'll handle this."

The police officer walked over and said "Miss, does this look like a race track to you?"

"I'm sorry, officer." said Kim. "I didn't think I was going that fast."

"You were going one hundred and fifty!" said the officer. "How can you not suspect you were a little over the limit?"

"I said I was sorry." said Kim.

"Let me see your license, please." said the officer. Kim handed him her license and he returned to his car.

"Whatever you're doing, stop doing it." warned Ron.

"Give me a break!" said Kim. "You think I'm enjoying this?"

"Kim, he's going to arrest us!" said Ron. "I think you should let me take over."

"Just relax." said Kim. "We don't know that."

The officer returned looking very nervous. "I'm terribly sorry." he said. "I didn't realize you had diplomatic immunity. I didn't receive any warning. I don't know why. I'm sorry."

He handed Kim her license and returned to his car. Kim restarted the Strike and returned to the road.

"What was that all about?" asked Ron.

"I have no idea." said Kim.

It was then that the Blast pulled alongside. Jack rolled down his window and said "Hey, how'd it feel to get let off?"

"Relieving." said Kim Possible. "Hey, how did you know about that?"

"We've been monitoring police frequencies." said Jack. "We heard about your stop..." He held up his cel phone. "...and did something about it. We had CTU's computer expert give you diplomatic immunity. That's for your help with that cop back in Oregon."

"Thanks." said Kim. "We needed it."


Phil stood in the restaurant of the Space Needle as the crew set up the mat for the finish line. "I am here at the Space Needle in Seattle where the race officials are setting up for the finish to the Cannonball Qualifying Run. We have heard that several teams have entered the city and are on their way. Who will win? Let's ask this man." He walked over to a black man with a shaved head. "Dice, you are a member of the infamous Midnight Club." said Phil. "What are your opinions on the winner of the race?"

"Well, you know me." said Dice. "I'm going to have to put my money on the Midnight Club members in this one. Emilio and Larry are two of the best racers in New York. I have no reason to expect anything but excellence."

"Other than them, any thoughts?" asked Phil.

"There's one guy I'll hold stock in." said Dice. "That's John Doe. I've been paying attention to him and he seems to know what he's doing. Plus, Seattle is his hometown, so he's got the home court advantage."


John Doe raced down a street in Seattle. "If I remember correctly, this street heads towards the Space Needle." he said to himself. "Smooth sailing from here."

On a nearby side street, Kramer continued his flight. "Next turn and I'm good as there." he said to himself.

Kramer raced to the street John Doe was on and turned towards the Space Needle. Unfortunately, John Doe got right in front of him. The Mantis 2 plowed into the side of the Flash and sent it spinning. The Mantis 2 rolled to a stop while the Flash went sliding into the curb.

Kramer climbed out of the Mantis 2 and shook off the impact. John Doe climbed out of the Flash, fuming.

"Hey, hey, buddy." said Kramer. "You okay there?"

"You moron!" yelled John. "Do you see what you did?"

"Yeah." said Kramer. "Nice to see you're alright."

John got on his hands and knees and looked under the Flash. "Oh, nice one!" he said. "You toggled the drive shaft!"

Kramer looked at the smashed in front of the Mantis 2 and said "Well, if it makes you feel any better, my entire front end is vvvvvvvp gone."

"I can probably fix this, but I'll need another universal joint." said John. "This one's snapped."

"Wait, this car's also rear-wheel-drive." said Kramer. "We can probably use the universal joint from it."

"You're giving me a universal joint?" asked John. "What are you gonna do?"

"Got a passenger seat?" asked Kramer.


Elsewhere in the city, the police were in hot pursuit of the Spyder. Rachel turned down a side street and hid from the cops.

"What are we doing here?" asked Phoebe.

"Trust me." said Rachel. "Set up the ECU and hold on to your hat."

Phoebe set the computer and Rachel pulled out. They pulled into a group of street racers on their way to a race.

"We're safe now." said Phoebe.

Suddenly, Rachel plowed on the brakes. A little old lady was crossing the street...very slowly.

"No!" yelled Rachel.

"Unbelievable!" said Phoebe. She looked around and saw a familiar car. It was the Rage.

"Good evening!" yelled the Chairman.

"Can you believe this?" asked Rachel.

"Yes, I see." said the Chairman. "In our country, the elderly are honored, respected. In this country...well, I can see the difference."

"Oh, screw this!" said Phoebe. She climbed out of the Spyder, walked over to the lady, picked her up, and carried her across the street. She then got back into the car and said "Let's go!"


Phil looked out the window of the Space Needle. Then he turned to the camera. "We have reports that all of the Cannonballer tryouts have entered the city and are racing for the Space Needle." he announced. "Who will get here first? Will there be a surprise? Will there..."

An assistant walked over and whispered into his ear. "Oh!" he called. "I have just been informed that the first team is currently on the elevator to the finish. We're about to have a winner!"

Everybody's attention was focused on the elevator. It slowly crept up a floor at a time until it reached the reataurant. The doors slid open and out ran...

Max Payne!

Max ran over to the mat for the finish and stood in front of Phil. "I didn't see anyone else and I got worried." he said.

"There's a reason you didn't see anyone else." said Phil. "Max're the first one to arrive!"

Max let out a sigh of relief.

"That was quite a drive, wasn't it?" asked Phil.

"Yes, it was." said Max. "I'm not sure if I can make the whole journey actually."

"Well then, I've got some good news for you." said Phil. "One of the teams from last year is making a return, but one member had to bow out. If it's okay with you, we can arrange for you to team with the remainder of the team."

"That's acceptable." said Max. "I look forward to meeting my new team."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to step off the mat." said Phil. "The next team is on the way up."

Max stepped aside as the elevator rose to the floor. The doors opened and out came...

Hank and Bobby Hill!

"Come on, Bobby!" yelled Hank.

"I'm running as fast as I can!" yelled Bobby.

They reached the mat. "Please give us some good news." said Hank.

"Hank and Bobby Hill." said Phil. "You're team number two!"

Hank and Bobby cheered.

"Congratulations, you have qualified." said Phil.

"We won!" yelled Bobby.

"We didn't win." said Hank proudly. "Arlen won."

Minutes later, Max, Hank, and Bobby were getting dinner when the elevator reached the floor again. The doors popped open and out came...

Sam Malone and Woody Boyd!

Sam and Woody ran for the mat and stopped on it. While they were catching their breath, Phil looked at them and said "Sam Malone and Woody Boyd? You're team number three!"

Sam dropped to his knees and let out a cheer. Woody yelled "Yeah!"

"Congratulations, you have qualified for the Cannonball Run." said Phil. "And I've got some more good news. A friend of yours is waiting for you in the restaurant. You may go see him."

Sam and Woody were led into the restaurant by Phil's assistant.

"Hey, Sam." said Woody. "Do you think Dr. Crane will be happy to see us?"

"Well, you know Frasier, Woods." said Sam.

"Here he is." said the assistant. He pointed to a man who was hiding behind a newspaper.

"Thank you." said Sam.

Woody walked over and said "Surprise!" and snatched the newspaper, revealing a nervous looking man with receeding blonde hair.

"Niles?" asked Sam.

"Hello, Sam." said Niles. "Frasier had a meeting in Tacoma and couldn't be here."

Ten minutes later, Sam, Woody, and Niles had struck up a conversation.

"And then Frasier walked over to Daphne and said 'Congratulations, you are now officially a Crane.'" laughed Niles.

"You're kidding!" said Sam. "Frasier couldn't pull one off here either?"

Just then, the elevator reached the floor again and the doors popped open, revealing...

Nash Bridges and Adrian Monk!

They ran over to the mat. Before they got there, Nash grabbed Monk and covered his eyes. "Don't look out the window!" he warned. "Don't look out the window."

They stepped onto the mat.

"Nash Bridges and Adrian Monk?" said Phil. "You're team number four!"

Nash laughed and Monk sighed with relief.

"That was quite a dance." said Phil. "Everyone else just walked up to the mat."

"Thanks, bubba." said Nash.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," said Phil "I've been informed that the next two teams have arrived as well."

Nash and Monk stepped off the mat. Nash pulled out his cel phone.

"Who are you calling?" asked Monk.

"Joe." said Nash. "Gotta tell him the news." Nash dialed, then put the phone to his ear. "Joe, it's Nash. We're in."

The elevator reached the floor again. The doors popped open and two teams were inside. They were...

Will Truman and Jack MacFarland, and Masahiko Kobe and Chairman Kaga!

"Please, after us." said Jack.

Kobe and the Chairman ran to the mat. Phil looked at them and said "Masahiko Kobe and Chairman Kaga? You're team number five."

"Arigato." said Kaga as Kobe bowed to Phil.

"Congratulations, you're the last team to qualify for the Cannonball Run." said Phil. "Now, please move. I have to deliver some bad news."

Kobe and the Chairman stepped off the mat and Will stepped on. Jack pranced up next to him and smiled at Phil. "Give us the good news." he said.

"Will Truman and Jack MacFarland?" said Phil. "You're team number six."

Jack's face dropped while Will just shrugged.

"I'm sorry to tell you that you did not qualify for the race." said Phil.

"Well, we'll see about that." said Jack. "You see, my friend Will here is a lawyer. I think after a few motions in the courtroom, you will be changing your tune. Right, Will? What do you say?"

"I was thinking of starting with a motion of 'Jack, we lost. Get over it.'" said Will, attracting a dropped jaw from Jack.

In the parking lot, KARR was listening to the results over the radio. "So, those two have failed." he muttered. "Well, I suppose nothing more can happen to me." Just then, a tow truck operator backed up to KARR, who was parked in a no-parking zone, and hooked a cable to his front bumper. "Oh great!" he groaned.


Hours later, Groove and Taurus rode up the elevator.

"Did Skeeter ever find out what was wrong with the Ace?" asked Groove.

"Yeah, the guy who delivered it left the radio on." said Taurus. "Battery's dead as Elvis. No wonder it wouldn't start."

The doors opened and the two stepped off. The rest of the tryouts applauded them. They walked right up to the mat.

"Well, I guess you might as well tell us." said Groove.

"I see everybody else is here, so I know what you have to say." said Taurus.

"Groove Champion and Taurus?" said Phil. "You're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you you did not qualify for the race."

"Kinda guessed." said Groove.

"Although, I will say this." said Phil. "In all my years of hosting 'The Amazing Race', no one has finished last as gracefully as you guys."

"I believe there's a party to throw for the qualifiers." said Taurus.

"Indeed there is." laughed Phil. "Come on, you're invited."

Groove and Taurus entered the crowd. "So, who qualified?" asked Groove.

Phil walked over to Jack and Kim Bauer. "First of all, let me repeat my condolences on your failure to qualify." said Phil.

"It's okay." said Jack. "It changes nothing."

"Now, what was this you're supposed to arrange with me?" asked Phil.

"We thought you could use a little extra security for the race." said Jack. "So, we've decided to give you one of our computer experts. Her name is Chloe O'Brian. She's among the best when it comes to computers. Personality, on the other hand..."

Slapjack looked over the check in his hand.

"All in all, good race." said Larry. "Bad results, but good race."

"So, whatcha gonna do with the cash, amigo?" asked Emilio.

"I'm gonna start funding my own Cannonball." said Slapjack. "And this time, I'm gonna win it outright."

"So, what team are you linking up with?" asked Sam.

"Well, it turns out they kinda misled me there." said Max. "My team is actually one guy. He had a partner last year, but the partner was too busy to attend. So, I'm his new partner. He's a crime lord in some Florida metropolis called Vice City. His name is Tommy Vercetti."


"I don't know if you've heard or not, but the Cannonball Qualifying Run is complete." said Thunder Bob. "The participants have been chosen and the race is ready to be run. Here's the final results on the race:

First to finish was Max Payne in the Shadow.

In second was Hank and Bobby Hill in the Snyper.

In third was Sam Malone and Woody Boyd in the Vapor.

In fourth was Nash Bridges and Adrian Monk in the Vortex.

In fifth was Masahiko Kobe and Chairman Kaga in the Rage.

In sixth was Will Truman and Jack MacFarland in the Type V.

In seventh was Rachel Green and Phoebe Hannigan in the Spyder.

Tied for eighth were John Doe in the Flash and Cosmo Kramer in the Mantis 2.

In tenth was Slapjack and Orange Julius in the Frenzy.

In eleventh was Jack and Kim Bauer in the Blast.

In twelfth was Larry Muller and Emilio Sanchez in the Storm.

In thirteenth was Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable in the Strike.

In fourteenth was Peter Griffin and Brian in the Crank.

In fifteenth was Duane and Blane Cody in the Wolfpack.

In sixteenth was Jack Gallo and Dennis Finch in the Renegade.

And dead last was Groove Champion and Taurus in the Ace.

This was a lot of fun for the spectators and participants alike. But not as much fun as the REAL race, I tell you. We have a party to be thrown and some great times ahead. 'Til then, here's some Talking Heads for you."

Well, we know where we're going,
but we don't know where we've been.
And we know what we're knowing,
but we can't say what we've seen.

And we're not little children
and we know what we want.
And the future is certain.
Give us time to work it out.

We're on a road to nowhere.
Come on inside.
Taking that ride to nowhere.
We'll take that ride.

Feeling okay this morning
and you know.
We're on a road to paradise.
Here we go.
Here we go.

We're on a ride to nowhere.
Come on inside.
Taking that ride to nowhere.
We'll take that ride.

Maybe you wonder where you are.
I don't care.
Here is where time is on our side.
Take you there.
Take you there.

We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey! Hey!
We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey! Hey!
We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey! Hey!

There's a city in my mind.
Come along and take that ride.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

And it's very far away,
but it's growing day by day.
And it's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

Would you like to come along
and you help me sing my song.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

They can tell you what to do
but they'll make a fool of you.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

There's a city in my mind.
Come along and take that ride.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

And it's very far away,
but it's growing day by day.
And it's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

Would you like to come along
and you help me sing my song.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

They can tell you what to do
but they'll make a fool of you.
It's alright.
Baby, it's alright.

We're on a road to nowhere.
We're on a road to nowhere.
We're on a road to nowhere.
Hey! Hey!

We're on a road to nowhere.

-"Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads

In Miami, a man turned off his television. "So, the Cannonball is starting up again." he said. "More idiots are going to try for that money which should be rightfully mine. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to do something about that."

AN:And there you go. Hopefully, your favorites made the cut. More importantly, I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you for reading. But brace yourself. Cannonball Run just...around...the bend. (Like in a week or so.)