Yes! It is true! I have nothing else better to do in my spare time than write corney parodies of perfectly good movies.
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera or anything like that. Sorry. I wish I did...but I don't. And i don't claim the story line either. I just like to poke fun at it. cringe don't hurt me!
Chapter 1: Of Divas and Pansies
Way back when, at an old abandoned building...an opera house, I believe, some mysterious old guy was at this auction thing or whatever, and phor some reason he really wanted to buy this old monkey music box. There was this weird old lady there too, who also wanted the silly monkey box, but aphter a vicious stare down, the strange old lady let the weird old guy have the monkey.
"Hey!" the old auctioneer guy shouted. "Do you guys remember that weird guy who snuck around the opera house and killed people? Yeah, halph oph you weren't even born yet, but it seemed like a good introduction to the lighting oph that busted up chandelier thing over there."
With that, the big and scary chandelier was uncovered and instantly an invisible person playing an invisible pipe organ. "DUN! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuun! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuun! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuun!" Magically, everything was transported back in time and the broken chandelier was phixed! And dancers and stage people appeared too…so did this obnoxious woman made-up like a clown. She started singing something, but nobody listened, because she was an obnoxious diva. Nobody likes obnoxious divas…unless you are the said obnoxious diva.
Then, the two new opera owners, Phirmin and Andre, walked in completely ruining the obnoxious diva's rehearsal. The original owner was with them showing them around.
"Oh, hello everyone," the owner guy greeted. "I'm retiring, and these two gooph-balls, who used to be in charge of garbage, are going to run the opera house in my stead. Ta!" The owner guy then phled the scene.
"It wasn't garbage! It was the internet!" Andre shouted.
"Um, don't you mean scrap metal?" Phirmin inquired.
Andre shrugged. "Same thing."
"Oh, hi. I'm Raoul…your new patron person," a fruity looking guy said, prancing onto stage aphter the two new owners.
"Hi! I'm the obnoxious diva," the obnoxious diva obnoxiously announced.
"Uh…hi," Raoul, the pansy, replied. "Ok, well, I'm going to go now! See you losers later!"
"He's sooooo hawt!" the obnoxious diva shrieked as he walked away.
"Waaaaah!" little Christine, the wanna-be diva, cried. "I spent my entire morning picking out this skimpy outphit and he didn't even notice me!"
Meg, the only normal one, groaned. "Oh, get over yourselph."
"Ok, girls, back to rehearsal!" Madame Giry, who seemed normal, instructed.
The scantily clad girls leapt out phrom behind the stage curtain and began leaping around and showing ophh as much as possible.
"So…who's that hot blonde girl?" Andre asked Madame Giry.
"My daughter. Cute, ain't she?" she replied.
"Um…yeah…what about the hot brunette?" Phirmin suggested.
"Oh, Christine? She's like my daughter. Poor thing. Her phather, Mr. Daae, died and now I'm stuck with her," Madame Giry inphormed.
"Oh yeah! That violin playing dude! I remember him…kinda," Andre exclaimed.
"Are there any hot girls here that are not related to you?" Phirmin questioned.
"Not really," Madame Giry stated in a rather chipper tone.
"Damn," Phirmin and Andre muttered.
At this moment, something (no one knows nor do they care what) happened that displeased the obnoxious diva greatly.
"No! You did it wrong again! That's it! I'm leaving!" she ranted.
"Wait! Come back!" Andre and Phirmin shouted. "You might be our only chance to get laid!"
The obnoxious diva spun around. "Well…since you put it that way, I guess I'll stay."
Andre and Phirmin's eyes widened. "It worked! Squeeeee!" The owners began running around the stage in delight.
"That totally uncool little outburst just cost you another scene," the obnoxious diva announced haughtily.
"You mean… i you /i want to i sing /i a i solo /i in a scene made just phor you?" Phirmin questioned.
Andre shrugged. "That's cool. Let's hear it!"
Just as the obnoxious diva was about to bust everybody's eardrums, the entire set phell on top oph her. Meanwhile, a dark, mysterious, shadow phigure person was sighted darting away aphter phlipping his dark, mysterious, shadow cape thing.
"Get it ophh! Get it ophh! GET IT OPHH!" the obnoxious diva shrieked.
"Sorry, lady, but you know how it is when you've got a ghost running around who doesn't like the lead singer," Phirmin stated.
The obnoxious diva's eye twitched. "Not…like…me?" There was a long, uncomphortable pause. "EVERYBODY LOVES ME!" she screamed. "That's it! I'm leaving phor real this time! Come here Mr. Phluffy!" With that, the obnoxious diva and her ugly pink poodle lepht the opera house.
And there was much rejoicing.
"Oh that's just great! Now who am I going to do, I mean i what! What /i am I going to do? We need a lead singer!" Andre complained (obviously not one of the people rejoicing).
"Let the hot brunette orphan girl sing phor you," Madame Giry suggested.
"No." Andre stated.
"Yeah, it's a silly idea. She's only been living in the opera house most oph her liphe, and it's not like she could have learned to sing really well within that time phrame," Phirmin agreed.
Christine's lip quivered. "Please?"
"Just let her sing. The Phantom guy has been teaching her, and he's i real /i good…believe me," Madame Giry said.
"They're not supposed to know that. Nobody knows that. i I /i don't even know that," Christine whispered.
"In that case, phorget everything I just said," Madame Giry commanded.
"Including the part about your daughters?" Phirmin wishphully wondered.
Madame Giry batted him with her cane. "Phorget that, and I'll make sure you 'phorget' what love-making is."
"Ow! That hurt!" Phirmin screeched.
"Uh, duh! That's kind oph the point," Madame Giry pointed out.
"Ahem! Listen to me sing now!" Christine demanded. Once all eyes were on her, she began:
"I am Afro-Man
Running through the ghetto from the Klu Klux Klan
they have pointy hats
Automatic weapons and baseball bats…"
Magically, the scenery changed once again. Christine was suddenly dressed in a phrilly white dress with shiny phlowers in her hair.
"Now I'm on LSD
Gummy bears are chasing me
Red ones and blue ones too
Now there's one on my shoe...
AAAH! GET IT OFF!
Now I'm on Adderal (AN: i can't spell!)
Guess I'm crazy after all
The gummy bears are drunk and stoned
Now I'm drugged and all alone
The gummy bears are back again
Forty kegs of rum and gin
Pour it in a tall tall glass
Wolf it down and kick their
The gummy bears are on the floor
Purple jelly all galore
Put it in a Jell-O Box
And send it off to Fort Knox!"
The audience clapped wildly as Christine phinished.
"Hey…that hot brunette looks awphully phamiliar. Didn't Christine, that cute little girl I used to be phriends with, sing that song too?" Raoul, the pansy, wondered out loud phrom his phancy-shmancy opera box. "I'll cheer her on anyway. Woo-hoo! Shake it, bay-bay!" he exclaimed, then snuck ophh to her dressing room to ravage – uh…congratulate her.
Christine took a bow and ran ophh to (narrator starts singing)
And we're gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love!
"You go girl!" a spooky voice echoed ophh the chapel walls.
"Um, thanks, mysterious teacher guy," Christine replied.
"Christine, are you talking to yourself again, or is it just the Phantom this time?" Meg inquired upon entering the chapel.
"I'm not talking to myselph, and you guys aren't supposed to know about the Phantom yet!" Christine whined.
"Sorry. It's just a little too obvious about what's going on between you two."
"Well, anyway, you're supposed to ask me about the angel or whatever, and then I get to tell you about my daddy and waste phive minutes oph good philm."
Meg groaned. "Phine."
ok, now you get to review and tell me how much it sucks!