Okay, this came to me last night while painting, don't ask. I think it has been floating in my brain for awhile just happen to take shape last night. I wasn't going to post it but DracOnyx thinks I should. So here goes.
Disclaimer:I don't own.
I sat on the bed staring at the two bottles of pills. These were supposed to help, take all the anger and pain away, peace in a couple bottles. I picked one up and shook it, I wish peace came in a bottle.
We moved again, I stopped keeping track of where or why, just laid on my bed with my stereo blasting forgetting the rest of the world, or trying to. I had been through enough pills, enough doctors, they said I was fine, that everything was under control.
It seemed battle city was so long ago, that mess behind me since the Pharaoh banished my "anger". What a joke, he has left before and he comes back.
I look at the light beside my bed. Its too bright and I debate in my mind whether to turn it off or just see if I can shatter it in one throw.
I turn it off, not because that was what I wanted but because the other choice would only bring everyone running, asking stupid questions I really wasn't in the mood to answer.
I thought back to all the times that rage boiled up in me, all the times growing up I wanted to hurt someone. The times I tried but luck was on their side, or was it on my side? Hating my father my whole life, seems such a waste now but I realize it was that he was a focus for the anger. That all consuming anger sat constantly in my mind, waiting like a viper to strike.
I wondered briefly if everyone felt this way, so angry they could scream all the time, staying awake as long as they could hoping to exhaust themselves enough that only oblivion took them. The dreams of blood and gore, maiming and murder not haunting them when their eyes closed.
Isis seems to be so calm, I see people smiling and wonder why I can't feel that, why I can't just be utterly and completely happy. I guess life is just like that.
I used to wonder if I was odd, now I just accept that I am different and try to hide these feelings best I can, put on that mask I wear when people are around while wondering how long until it slips. I've snapped a couple times at Isis, it shocked her and gee, anyone surprised the next talk was about increasing my meds.
The cd changed, another one, this time Drowning Pool. I love this cd, it makes me feel as though maybe someone else does understand.
He has been gone for six months now, my head feels so empty. So hollow without him there to keep me company, to say he understands. I miss him telling me it will all be okay. Yeah things got out of hand at Battle City but all of that went so wrong.
Isis is yelling, I hit pause on my stereo and listen. Oh, its dinner time. I head downstairs and sit at the table.
Looks like some kind of soup tonight, I guess because of the cold weather.
I butter a couple pieces of bread before picking up my spoon. The first bite burns my lips so I blow on it to cool it, I don't need my whole mouth scorched.
That is the point when Rashid takes his second bite.
I can understand slurping the first bite, its hot, but instead of blowing on his bites he just keeps making this awful slurping sounds. I hate that, truly drives me crazy.
Hmm, now isn't that ironic, saying something drives me crazy when many would say I'm already there.
But he just keeps slurping, bite after bite. My nails are starting to dig into the flesh of my palm I am trying so hard to stay calm. I've lost my appetite, or what passed for an appetite by this point. I can't stand noisy eaters and slurping is the worst.
I ask to be excused but they both make a big deal about how I have hardly eaten and if its my meds. I finally agree to eat a couple more bites, Rashid finished his bowl so hopefully I can.
No, its not meant to be since he grabs the ladle and dishes another bowl full for himself. Looky, here comes the slurping again.
I get a few more bites down but feel as if I'm going to lose them very shortly if I don't get away from that noise.
Isis asks if I'm sure I'm not hungry. I swear I'm full, say some nonsense about having been snacking earlier.
They finally agree that I can leave without pestering me too much. I grab my slice of buttered bread that was remaining and head back to my room.
I close the door since they don't like my music, I don't play it for them anyway, its for me. I just lay on my bed trying to get my stomach to stop churning after that experience called dinner.
I pick up the bottle of pills and shake them again before tossing them at the foot of the bed, I suppose they are helping, I left the table instead of snapping.
I think I might have dozed off since I jumped back awake when there was a knock at my door. Great, what do they want now.
I pause my music and yell that its open.
Seems they are going to watch a movie, no I don't want to watch it with them. Dessert? I guess as long as I can eat it here.
Great, she's gone.
I delve back into my thoughts only to be interrupted again.
I pause my music, the usual drill but now its Rashid. He wants to know if I'm okay, of course I'm not okay! I've never been okay but no one noticed! Just shoved me into this little mold of the person you thought I should be, refused to see when something was wrong and forced me to wear the masks you wanted to accept as reality. I'm about as far from okay as it gets.
No, of course I'm fine, yeah, just tired. That's a good one and he leaves, get some rest he says.
Of course, sleep fixes everything right? Now why wouldn't screams of terror and bloodshed just make everyone want to close their eyes and revel in it.
Another song comes on, I really like it but there is another knock at my door. I'm ready to scream if these people don't leave me alone!
It's Isis, she brought me a slice of the pie. Well I guess that was nice, hadn't actually planned on eating any.
Yeah, just leave it there on my desk. Yeah, fine. I barely hold in my sigh, this is all so old. I'm tired, just need some rest, of course I'll be better after some sleep.
She thankfully leaves. Sometimes she thinks she has to stay, that I might actually need to talk or some shit like that. If I wanted to talk then wouldn't I do it with that psych they pay so much money for to keep me medicated! I mean at least she is trained to deal with it, I would be shocked if they could understand. No, I tried to talk once, she only looked horrified and I had to quickly assure her I'm fine now, the meds make it all better.
I turn my music back on and she finally gets the hint and leaves.
They don't understand, how could they! Only one person ever truly understood and he is wandering the shadow realm about now.
I wonder if he can even get back.
Another song comes on, I close my eyes letting the vibrations from the music move through my body.
Suddenly I feel my bed shift.
Someone must have sat down, I wonder briefly if one of them came back to talk again but then I hear a bottle shake and an all too familiar voice in my head.
-what are these-
-Do they work-
I haven't killed anyone.
A mental shrug.
-Guess they do then.-
It took you awhile to get back.
-It's not an easy journey.-
There is a slice of pie over there.
He stood up and got it before coming back.
How should I know.
-They still don't understand.-
I knew it wasn't a question.
-I know. We start over-
-It will be okay.-
I hope you enjoyed..Please RR