Disclaimer: Holly and Artemis are property of Eoin Colfer, his publishers and Miramax. No money was made from this.
Author's Note: This is, quite evidently, a little bit of fun. Rated R for sexual situations. Holly and Artemis have sex. Well… Almost. SATIRE, this is. Paying out H/A shippers, I am. Justified, I think so. This is the possibly-annual Squick-a-Ship challenge, next to be called upon – Mulch/Anything. This is the fic of some of the many reasons why Holly/Artemis is a ship that'll ever be afloat except In Your Dreams, which would be a convenient name for this ship, if that title didn't already belong to Holly/Juliet. I still await the day when H/A is written well, but in the meantime, I'll poke fun. (And continue work on my chaptered H/A monstrosity, which I shall deny the existence of to all. denies)
"Oh, Artemis, I love you so much. You're so manly, so much more than any fairy I ever met."
Sounds of vicious, squelching kisses.
"And I love you, my dear Holly, apple of my adolescent, lust-filled eye. Let us make passionate, reckless love without protection"
"What a fantastic idea, Arty, dominate me with your passionate lust and lack of experience. Bring me to completion. Such complete fulfillment that I'll never be able to look at a lesser man ever again."
"The three foot height difference is really convenient, isn't it, Arty"
"Mmm-hmm..." A sharp squeak. "V-Very ... convenient."
"When I'm on the ground my nose is in it; when I'm on the lips my toes are in it."
"How long have you been holding that one in" Kiss. Gasp. "You've got highly talented toes, Holly." Another, louder, gasp. "And, hmm, oh god, there-And an even more talented nose."
Fumbling, a shocked pull back.
Questioning. "What's wrong, Artemis"
"Um... you're so ... cold."
"Oh, I am. I want you so bad, my malicious Mud Man."
Tentative fingers reaching for Holly. "You're... really, really cold. Like ice."
A seductive smile. "Of course I am."
"Well, humans... we get hot, not cold. And, well, human women are... wet. They get wet for sex - lubrication, you see."
"Oh, really? So you don't"
"I don't what"
"'Get wet' are you put it. For fairies, lubrication is secreted from pores on the penis."
"In that case we'll need something. Some lube, or oil. I think I've got some sandalwood oil in the bedside table."
"What's it there for"
"From when Butler and I... Massage therapy... Nevermind. Here it is."
Slick sounds. "Hmmm... much better. Smells delicious. So I'll just spread this... oh! Definitely better"
"I agree. And... Do you" A breath. "It'll probably be best if you sit down on me, if there's anything ... else." A momentary pause. "Are you sure this'll work"
A shrug. "Can't hurt to try."
Two held breaths.
Two swearing exclamations.
"Fuck! It's like dipping my prick in an ice bucket"
"Yeeawh! It hurts! And" Slap"How dare you compare me to an ice bucket"
Two relieved sighs, a ruffling of sheets as if it never happened.
"You're too big. I feel like a cheap porn star, it just won't fit in a fairy."
"Well, everyone said we were hopeless together. The whole cop-criminal mastermind is a great turn-on, and fun while it lasted but... I guess I'm a little relieved. How on Earth was I to introduce you to my parents"
A smile, and a nod. "But it is… It's... good to know."
"Good to know what"
"That we aren't good together. I still like you and all, but... At least there's no more wondering."
"I don't know. I'm wondering if I'll ever get feeling back in my cock."
"I could ... help in another way. You look... interested."
"I'm sixteen, legally underage (if you legally existed) - of course I'm interested." Pant. "Oh, Holly, that's amazing." Swallow. "Oh… ARGH!"
A scrabble up the sheets.
"Holy Cunting Fuck! What was that? God, I don't want to know. Maybe we should just… stick away from sex or something."
"I do love you, Artemis."
"Gah! That's nice, Hol. Now go tell someone who cares. You bring a new meaning to the word frigid."