A/N: Hey, there! So glad to be back! here it is, the sequel to State of Mind. This picks up right where that left off so you should definately read that first. I started to write this as just a 2 part series and it's develpoed into a 3 part! So, look out for that too. When it's more develpoed, I'll let you know. Ass you know, I don't own anyone. I wish I did, but I don't. Also, all of the opening quotes are Peace of Mind by Nonpoint.
So sorry it took so long to update. I was lacking inspiration even though I knew what I wanted to happen in this final and VERY long chapter. I hope you enjoy it. Here's my final thanx!
Cartergal131: Carter and Lucy's worlds actually mixed together on the show after she died. At least in my opinion. She had that addiction to Ritalin, went through withdrawal for about a day before popping a pill. He did the same thing with Vicodin, after he came back from Atlanta. I'm glad no one has found their relationship cheesy. I work very hard on that. I try to write it as if I'm a writer on the show, you know, work in what would actually happen.
Lili: You scared me with your "First of all." I thought you were gonna bash me or something. XD I've never liked Kerry and I think that if Lucy had been alive when she fired Dave, she would've hated her, too. I definately wouldn't mind Carter being there for me if I had a drug addiction. Alex Kingston left the show in season 11, episode 3 to go back to England. I was sad, too, but it was the right time. Too many memories.
Chapter 25: Yesterday
Places i'm starting to hate
Wasted I fall into place
Watching the world
And waiting for something to change"
"The Twelve Steps, originated by Alcoholics Anonymous, is the spritual foundation for personal recovery from the effects of alcoholism, not only for the alcoholic, but also for their friends and family in Al-Anon Family Groups." A tall, balding and thin man with thick glasses spoke on a stage behind a podium to people scattered throughout the room. "Many members of 12-step recovery programs have found that these steps were not merely a way to stop drinking, but they became a guide toward a new way of life. Over a six-month period, visitors to our Alcoholism site participated in a study of the 12 steps and 12 traditions by sharing their experience, strength, and hope on the bulletin board."
Lucy sat in the back ofthe large audiotrioum, coat on and looking bored as the man preached on. She sighed heavily and looked down at her watch. Oh, my god! Seven minutes? I've only been here for seven minutes? Another suicide is looking really good right about now. She sighed again, growing frustrated not able to believe that she had to stay there for another 53 minutes.
"Step 1: Honesty. After many years of denial, recovery can begin when with one simple admission of being powerless over alcoholfor alcoholics and their friends and family. Step 2: Faith. It seems to be a spiritual truth, that before a higher power can begin to operate, you must first believe that it can." A woman with thick red hair spoke now with an annoyingly sweet voice. As she went on to talk about the other steps, Lucy felt her eye lids grow heavy. Before she knew it, they were closed and she was in a dreamless sleep. She was until a sudden nudge on her side woke her up.
"Sorry, but not the best place to be falling asleep in." The man that woke her joked. "I'm Dylan. Dylan Cane." He put out his hand for her to shake, which she hesitantly excepted and told him her name.
"So...what are you in for? You an alcoholic?" She asked as he took a sip from his coffee, trying to stay awake to obviously.
"Aren't we all?" He asked rhetorically, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair with a sheepish smile.
"I'm not an alcoholic." She simply stated and he just nodded, both of their eyes facing front. "My boyfriend came here because of a drug addiction and I'm forced to come because I overdosed on some pills." Hearing this made Dylan choke on his coffee, giving him icy glares from the people in front of him. Lucy chuckled softly, shaking her head in amusement.
"You tried to kill yourself?" She nodded solemnly, eyes still front while he looked at her. "You must have a pretty shitty life then." He falsely observed.
"Why would you say that?" She asked and he proceeded to tell her that based on the fact that she has a boyfriend, someone special in her life, it didn't make any sense for her to try and kill herself. Unless he was a "wife-beater," and he quickly threw that out the window due to Lucy's lack of scars. The scars I have are way out of your sight. Try all over my chest and back. After that, he decided that it had to have been her job or family that drove her to it. What is this guy, a psychatrist? "I'm a doctor at County. I've been there for nearly five years now."
"Phew!" He sighed amazed, shaking his head. "I don't think I could be a doctor. The responsiblity of having someone's life in your hands, depending on you...too much for me to handle. That's why I'm a simple social worker."
"But someone's life is still in your hands." Lucy pointed out. This guy seems like a hypocrite.
"True. But, it's a different kind of "life-in-hand's" situation." He stated simply, but Lucy was already gone. She couldn't stand being next to that guy. Sure, he seemed nice enough, but she had to pay attention if she ever wanted to get "better," whatever that meant.
"Do what we have to
To get what we need
From whats left
For people like me
Batterd and bruised
From the chances I take
Its the impossible way that I think"
Lucy stood in front of County like she had done two years ago. The same fear was building up inside her. I'm not ready. I'm so not ready. Carter and Dave even said they didn't think I was, but it's been two months. I had to come back, I had to say I was ready when everyone knows I'm not. I had to say something, anything, so I had something to do besides those AA meetings. Being there instead of helping people...I feel like I'm surrounded and generally malled by these so called "helpful" alcoholics and addicts. God! Am I gonna have to stand up and say, "I am an addict" when I'm not even sure I am? Am I? I wouldn't be there if I wasn't, right? But that's tonightif I go. Tomorrow, I'll have to tell all of my secrets surrounding my addiction to Opioids. Great. Am I gonna have to participate in group hugs and pray? God, I hope not. That'd be the same as joining a cult. After beating herself up over the issue for about another minute, she prepared herself and walked into County.
"You shouldve been satisfied
You should have been full inside
You could have been happy
Simply with your peace of mind"
"You shouldve been satisfied
"Hey, I hear you're down a doctor." She said casually, getting everyone's attention at Admit. "Thought I could be of service."
"Look what the cat dragged in!" Jerry said coming over and hugging her tightly. "Welcome back, Lucy!" He said, not letting go of her, as teh other looked on and began to laugh.
"I missed you, too, Jerry." She said awkwardly, but Jerry still didn't let go. "Okay, Jerry, you're killing me." Both of them laughed and he immediately set her down and apologized.
"Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor." Pratt said grabbing a chart and heading toward the Lounge.
"No, just a couple of Brain cells." She quipped back, making him laugh as he entered the Lounge alone. Jerry went back to the phones and Gallant quickly hugged Lucy as he headed out the door. Lucy waved to everyone as she went toward the Lounge to get ready. As she went to her locker, she could feel Pratt's eyes bearing own on her as he poured some coffee. "Okay, I'll bite. What's wrong?" She asked him as she took off her jacket and put on her white coat.
"What do you mean?" He asked innocently. Lucy shut her locker and turned to face him, tossing her stethoscope around her neck.
"You know what I mean." She said giving him a knowing look and he sighed with a laugh, shaking his head.
"The joking out there." He said nodding toward Admit. "It wasn't out of line, was it? Uncomfortable?"
"I tried to kill myself, Pratt, and I failed. I'd say that's something to laugh about." She smiled at him and he looked a little concerned. "I'm fine now, really. Don't worry so much." He nodded, finished his coffee and they headed out to face the ER together. Carter had taken off a few days during Lucy's "recovery" to keep a close eye on her. He took off today, too, but she didn't know why. With him not there to watch over her, that left everyone else.
"More than just
More than a thorn in my side
More than just
More than our differece aside
I'm choosing sides now"
"More than just
After a quick and embarassing Urine Test with Kerry, in which she asked if she'd seen any good movies lately, Lucy actually got to some patients. She felt like she was on permanent disability. Every time she got to work on Traumas again, she had the right taken away just as quickly and was back to filing, stitches and casting. The day was long and slow.
Luka, her confident since Dave had been off doing God knows what with his new girlfriend, got her two real patients. The first being a geriatric couple in their mid 80s. Their nursing home called 911 after the wife, a Mrs. Nina Calvano, passed out. The EMTs arrived and informed Lucy that Mrs. Calvano wasn't breathing on sight. Lucy ordered a CBC and a Chem 7 among others with Yosh.
About an hour later, while she was on break, the tests came back and the wife went into Cardiac arrest before Lucy even got a chance to look at them. Once she was finally stable, Yosh informed her that Nina was fighting Diabetes and Lung Cancer in it's fourth and terminal stage. She was now in a Comatose state and had to deliver the news to the husband.
"Sir." She called softly, brow furrowed, bringing Hank Calvano out of his trance. His hands were rested on his wifes and his old eyes bore into her, searching for hope-any kind. "Your wife suffered a stroke at your nursing home, then passed out from the trauma. Through the few tests we've administered, we've learned that your wife has Lung Cancer and is terminal." Wow, is it just me or do I sound like Mark? "Now, we can put her on a Respirator, but I have to tell you, that in your wife's condition it would only be prolonging her pain. I highly advise against it."
"Pain? She'll be in pain if I don't do this." He argued, desperate to keep her with him longer. "She'll be fine. You'll see."
"Are you sure about this?" She asked extremely concerned for the man's emotional and mental well-being. "Maybe you should go get something to eat and think about it."
"I don't want anything to eat! I want my wife to live! Put her on the damned machine."
"If we do, we can only keep her on it for a month or two then we'd have to take her off, hospital policy. If she isn't able to breath on her own by that time, then she'll die. Do you understand?" After much deliberation with him, Lucy agreed to put the terminal woman on a Respirator.
Lucy only had one other major case besides about a million minors. Her next was a sixteen-year-old girl named Alicia Wallice. She came in complaining of a sick stomach and pain in her face. She probably just wants to cut school. God, I miss being able to have that choice. Not that I evercut when I had it.
"Uh, okay. Lily, let's get a Facial CT and a CBC." Lily wrote it down after giving Lucy an odd look, almost saying "What-do-you-think-you're-doing?" After a few more moments with the girl, Lucy cancelled the tests when she realized that Alicia was just a very sad girl who needed to be on Anti-Depressants. Instead of the Facial CT and CBC, she ordered a Psych Consult.
"Still waiting for my peace of mind now
No strings attached to the
Promises given to the
Faces and places of those that I hate
Its the impossile way that I think"
"Hey, Alicia, Dr. Strobler tells me that..." She walked into the room, finally looking up from the chart, and was shocked to see she was talking to an empty Exam Room. "...You...what the? Hey, Pratt." She called, exiting the room as he walked by. "Do you know where the girl in Exam Room 4is? Name's Alicia Wallice."
"Oh, yeah. I discharged her." He said simply and looked back down at his chart, starting to walk again but Lucy stopped him.
"What! Why the hell did you discharge my patient?"
"I needed to the room and her chart said you prescribed Anti-Depressants. I thought you were done. Something wrong?"
"Yeah, somthing's wrong! I ordered a Psych Consult for her and if you came to me like you should've done, you would've known that she's suicidal! Damn it!"
"Oh, god. Lucy, if I'd known I wouldn't have gotten rid of her."
"Yeah, well, according to her test results she's a cutter. I pulled up her old records and she's done it three times without success. Her first Psych Consult was a year ago and that specified that she started because she felt neglected."
"Probably does even more now. You got her address?"
"Yeah, I'm going to her house now. Maybe I'll catch her on the way." She started to run up the hall before half turning to him to speak again. "Cover for me!"
"You got it!" He shouted back, feeling extremely guilty.
"Alicia! Alicia!" Lucy shouted, spotting her about four blocks from the Hospital. When Alicia heard her name, she turned to see Lucy looking rather relieved. At that instance, she took off running. "Alicia? Hey! Stop! Stop!" Lucy finally caught her after they hit a bunch of people and they stopped to catch their breath."I said, "Stop!" Why didn't you stop?"
"I'm a teenager." She snapped through pants. "We have selective hearing."
"I remember..." She replied lamely and Alicia eyed her disbelievingly. "...Now. Alicia, why'd you leave? You know what? We'll talk about it later. You're coming back to the hospital."
"What? No way! I'm late for school!" She complied trying to leave again but Lucy caughther arm.
"I really doubt that's where you were headed. So you can either come back like an adult of your own free will, or I can call the cops and have you dragged back hand cuffed." Alicia thought for moment before sighing and walking back to the hospital, silently, next to Lucy.
"You shouldve been satisfied
You should have been full inside
You could have been happy
Simply with your peace of mind"
"Your old tests said you felt neglected and that's why you started cutting?" Lucy stated while scanning the old chart in another Exam Room. "Why'd you feel neglected? Family? Friends?"
"I have tons of friends." She scoffed as Lucy pulled up a chair and sat down in front of her."I see them every minute of every day.I love them."
"So, I'm guessing parents." She said half-guessing.
"What parents? I'm adopted, I don't have parents." Alicia spat at her, almost hissing at her.
"I'm sure they love you." Lucy said confidently and simpathetic."Do they know you're here? You want me to call them?"
"Not like they'd come anyway." She crossed her arms and tried to lean back, but when she realized the wall was gone she sighed frustrated and leaned forward on her knees. "They're probably off at the twins sooccer game."
"You have brothers and sister?"
"Not by blood." Lucy was about to speak again but Yosh came in and pulled her away.Ninahad just died and the husband was still clutching her cold hand, singing. After a few moments, she got up and hobbled out of the hospital, passing Lucy was a nod.Turning back to Alicia, she nearly knocked her over when she was standing there, watching Hank leave with everyone else.
"Why'd you admit yourself if you knew you were going to kill yourself today?" Lucy asked, directing her back into the room and they both sat down.
"That old woman, she's lucky. She died with someone there by her side, loving and caring for her. She died with a life probably full of love and companionship." She said wistfull as her eyes began to line with tears and that sharp pain came to her nose as it always did when she cried. "I'll never have that, not in a million years." Lucy was staring at her and when Alicia saw this she regained her composure quickly and glared at her. "You wouldn't understand."
"You're right..." Lucy lied after a brief pause between them. "...I wouldn't."
"Here's your share
And my share
You still need
More to fill
Its all or nothing at all
You take from me
You need to rest from me"
"Here's your share
"Hey, how is she?" Luka asked as Alicia walked out of County, waving slightly to Lucy as she did so. Lucy waved back of course with half a smile.
"Better now. I think she just really needed someone to talk to." She sighed heavily as they turned back to Admit. She set Alicia's chart down heavily and rested her head in her hand, completely exhausted. It was already dark outside. "I didn't know so many kids today contemplated suicide. I don't remember feeling that way."
"Really?" He said giving her an odd look, only causing her to push him gently. "Neither do I." He said smiling at her while grabbing another chart. "Why don't you go home, huh? You did good for your first day back."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." She straightened up and they headed toward the Lounge together. Luka went straight to the coffee since he was on for another four hours. "Hey, Luka. Let me ask you something."
"Shoot." He said turning to face her, leaning against the table and sipping his coffee.
"Why'd you give me Alicia?" She asked coyly, throwing her jacket on. "I know for a fact Deb had just gotten on duty and could've taken her. Why not give Alicia to her?"
"I thought you'd do a better job." He chuckled softly and she followed suit, nodding. "Good night, Lucy."
"Night." She walked out and said her good-byes to the others before heading home. Lucy had been expecting to go to bed and get a long nights sleep, but instead she found Carter with a romantic dinner behind him. "Oh, my God. What is this? Did you do this all day?" She asked, completely thrown, as she threw her jacket onto the couch and walked over to greet him.
"Yeah. I had the day off so I thought, "Why not?"" He smiled cockily as he pulled Lucy into a deep kiss.
"This looks great, but is it edible?" She joked knowing he wasn't the best cook.
"Hey!" He said pulling her in again for another kiss, mocking hurt.
"Sorry, but I know you're not the best cook." She said looking over the food, his arms wrapped around her.
"Fine, how about we skip dinner and..." He edged on suggestively.
""And..." what?" He smiled broadly and pulled her into a somewhat wide living room.
"Care to dance?" The two started to dance in place, staring deeply into each others eyes. He leaned over her for a moment, making her believe he was going to kiss her again, an picked up a remote control on the table next to the food. He raised the remote behind him and turned on the stereo. Suddenly "Come On, Eileen" began to play instead of the romantic music he had planned. As soon as the sound reached his ears, he left a giggling Lucy to turn off the stereo manually. "I'm sorry, that was not suppose to happen."
"Doesn't matter. That was just what I needed." She said finally stopping her laughter.
"Was it now?" Carter stepped towards her until he was standing in front of her once again, so close that when his chest rose and fell with breath, it lightly grazed her own.
He looked down at Lucy and sighed lightly. She knew what to expect that night as he bent his head down and placed his lips to her own, burning and passionate. Lucy placed her hands flat on his chest before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissed him back, pushing against him with such passion and desperation that he was forced to take an involuntary half-step back. Carter's hands found their way around her waist and he held her gently, as if protecting her while his lips explored her neck. Lucy moved her hands up to his hair, delicately combing through them.
"I love you." He whispered against her ear suddenly before pressing his lips to her again. The shock of hearing those words again was almost too much to bear.
"I love you, too," She whispered back, cupping his right cheek in one hand and looking into his glimmering eyes. "I do."
"No taking it back this time." He joked quickly before their lips met with new passion, and he slowly began moving her towards their large bed. A bed which they had shared but not concumated their relationship in as of that night. Pulling Carter with her without breaking the contact of their lips, Lucy looked up at him and he pulled away for a moment.
Both of them were afraid to break the beautiful, magical moment. For a short moment they stood there, shaking with their respective passion and desire. Both of them wanted this, but they wanted to be sure the other did as well before going further. It wasn't long their lips met once more and they practically tumbled onto the bed, already working together to slide each others shirts off each other.
They pulled them off and carelessly dropped them onto the floor. Carter's hands were running over Lucy's back tenderly, feeling at the scars as if he had no sight. There were so many of them there. As Carter's lips made a map across the scar on her throat, Lucy looked down at the sheets, grinning slightly a bit despite her momentary sadness. Her hands soon clung to his forearms and he smiled at her, placing his hands on her hips, leaning forward so his forehead lightly rested on mine.
It killed Lucy inside that she tried to kill herself. Just the thought of it, knowing that she was going through what he had but she had a support system where he didn't, the rest of her life was going to be spent in pain and redemption because of her flaws.
"I'm sorry." She whispered softly, feeling tears rushing to her eyes as anguish laid heavy in her voice. Carter nodded sadly, wiping her tear away and leaned forward, pressing her back until she laid on the pillow with him propped up on one elbow beside me.
"I know. But it doesn't matter now. You're here. You're safe." He said kissing her lightly. They looked into each others eyes, and Lucy saw that he was on the verge of tears. He was obviously trying to hide it, but he would've broken down in tears for her nonetheless, and she suddenly felt guiltier than she'd ever felt in a very long time.
A/N: There you go people, the final chapter! The third installment is already mapped out and I'm working on it as you read. So! Keep an eye out for Change Your Mind. Here's a piece of it for you:
"I don't know what you want me to say, Lucy." Barabara said shocked over the phone. She could hardly believe it. "I never expected you this from you." There was a long pause on the other end before Lucy found the courage to speak.
"Okay, mom. I got a shift coming up so I'll let you go. Bye, I lo-" But Barbara hung up the phone before she could finish.
"I never thought I'd say it, but I wish she'd yelled at me." Lucy stated, thoroughly depressed, in the Drug Lockup with Luka.
"It sounds like she was just shocked." He reassured her as he found what he was looking for and they walked out into the less than bustling halls of County. "You've finally managed to make her completely speechless."
"I know." Lucy nodded, too upset to enjoy that small victory. "I just hate the fact that I've disappointed her. I mean, she wouldn't even let me finish saying "I love you," Luka." "Everything's going to be ok." He wrapped his arm around her shoulder playfully, making her laugh as they continued up the hall.
"Don't you ever get tired of being the optimist?" She asked, both of them smiling now.
"Nope, never." He replied, both of them laughing once more to abolish the devistating situation as they went their seperate ways.