I thought I knew love, but then I fell deeper with you…

When I first met Yoichi, he was just a child. An innocent little boy. He seemed so scared, and I understood that in his life, the only thing that kept him going was a woman who by all accounts way my arch rival; his mother, Reiko Asakawa. And she is dead now because of me. I betrayed her to the police, and in doing so I betrayed her ex-husband, my old tutor Takayama. I knew from what he'd said about life before his divorce, how he sounded when he spoke of Reiko that she was important to him, and he just couldn't stop caring about her. I believe now that he really deeply loved her: the love of his life. I have heard in old stories that you truly fall in love twice, but only one of them you never stop living, even if you part, even if you are fond of someone else. In my teacher's case it was Reiko, and not me.

I wonder sometimes if she felt the same as him. The first time I met her she seemed tense and trouble by the sight of me; she must have thought I was his girlfriend or something. There was also the way she talked to me, and the way she looked hurt and awkward when we met up. She must have truly loved him. Even if it wasn't as strongly as my teacher loved her, even then I knew she probably did.

It hurt sometimes. I was very jealous of her, hearing about her from my teacher. I remember once I found a picture of Reiko and Yoichi on a bridge, both smiling at whoever was taking the camera. I'd get this mental image of Takayama, smiling, backing up to get them both in focus, telling Yoichi to smile more, and taking the picture himself before creating a family memory by calling backwards into the shallow lake. Yoichi would laugh and Reiko would rush to help him. They both be soaking wet, and Yoichi would feel left out, so he rushes into the river too. Then the three of them would walk back to a relative home, laughing. It made me burn at the pit of my stomach, but my jealousy never gave me a reason to cause her death.

As if to soothe my soul, I decided then to take Yoichi under my wing, try to give him the same I didn't know that I'd grow to see him more then a son. Yoichi and I would always be with each other. I'd never let him out of my sight. I felt I owed it to Reiko. I no longer saw her as my rival. I felt as if her spirit watched me carefully, she trusted me to keep her secrets, and I never let them leave my lips. I would never be the cause of another death.

I doubt Yoichi ever forgave me for it, but learnt to accept that I was looking after him. He even began to talk to me about things that he'd only tell his mother, though I bet there are some things that Reiko went to the grave knowing, and Yoichi will go to his without telling. From talking with Yoichi I realised how much he loved his mother, how every night he dreamed of waking up from life, and finding that she was looking over him smiling telling him he'd had a nightmare.

I had dreams like that before with my mother, and Yoichi was the same. He also told me that in his heart, he loved his father very much. He missed him all the time, even when he was alive and he couldn't see him. Though his mother was the centre of his life, he loved his father very much. He spoke of a spiritual connection that lau between them and said that when his father died he just "knew" the moment it happened. He had always wondered if his father ever loved him. He said that his father had been his best friend as a baby, but things went wrong and Takayama wanted to stay away from him.

I can tell you one thing, I know that Takayama loved Yoichi more than anything in this whole world. When he was alive, we were good friends. He'd talk about Yoichi now and again, saying how much he hated being parted from him. He admitted that he had seen Reiko and Yoichi in the street from time to time, and he would stop and watch them. Nothing in the world could take his love and memories of Yoichi away from him; he'd die before he'd let anything happen to Yoichi, and even in death he'd fight to protect Yoichi.

And he kept that promise too.

Not even death stopped Takayama loving his son, and I don't think he ever will stop loving him. I know I shall never stop loving Yoichi myself. To be honest, the way Takayama treated his son was just a refection of how he felt he had to stay away from Yoichi. I'm not sure why, though I'm sure Reiko and Takayama-sensei knew, and would take it to the grave with them. I just wish sensei could tell Yoichi the truth, that he loved his son. I told Yoichi myself, but he never believed me.

Over the years, I grew to love Yoichi, like a son I guess… I'd never had children myself, and I doubt I ever would. When I was twenty-two, I found out that I couldn't conceive well. So, I really did decided to take Yoichi on as my son, though I doubt I'll ever learn to love him like sensei and never ever like Reiko. They most mothers love their children more then a father can understand… I can't even imagine holding so much love for anything.

I know one thing though, love hurts. Some of us don't even understand how much we love something until it's taken away or hurt badly or in trouble. I realised after a while that I didn't love sensei the way I thought I did, though I thought I loved him the way Reiko did… I didn't realise how little it was to my love that had had recently uncovered a found I had…

My love for Yoichi…

If I love Yoichi like he's family then, I must have really only loved sensei as a friend. May even as family too, but not the way I really thought I did… I'm sure that is so now. I know now that my love for Yoichi is strong and it burns into me every time he looks sad, as if he in forced his pain on me. It was my worry…

Maybe that's why nothing ever happened between us, nothing ever came between us sensei and myself… He always said he could read hearts, he said he could read mine too. Maybe he knew more about me then I did, how I felt about him, and knew he felt that way too. That we were good friends and always would be.

Yes, that's it now, and I can't believe that it's only now I realised it… It makes more sense then I can say. When your best friend dies, you feel like the world will come to an end, that without their guidance and friendship, you feel so alone. After a while though, you learn that life doesn't end when someone dies… I can run ahead again and take life in large steps now!

But I've realised that… Another thing proved to me that I wasn't in love then, then I fell in love again. But with someone I shouldn't…

Watching him everyday, as he gets older and older, I found myself falling under his charm spell and falling in love with him.

I really am in love with him, I know in my heart I am… But I'm so guilty about it and that guilt is eating me up inside and making me feel sick. He has no idea though, he probably wouldn't understand even if I told him.

He's fifthteen now…

I'm twenty-nine…

It's almost sickening to most people, I'm so much older then he is. Still, what he doesn't know can't hurt him, I was thinking. Then I thought, what he doesn't know hurts me… And makes me look silly in front of him…

Yoichi…

As he sleeps, I go in and watch closely, watching his eyes quickly flutter but not open, watching him as her turns and tosses. I wonder if he'd ever slept some peacfully. He's so innocent and so young still. But he could see the future, he foresaw the greatest thing ever, and something I never would have thought of…

"In the future" he said one time, as we walked in the park, "There will be something that will make videotapes obsolete. And so, by the time I am twenty-three, the video will be out of date and replaced by a shiny little disk… Like a computer disk, or even a music CD"

"What do you mean Yoichi?" I asked, he was only a child then of seven, but little children say strange things. "What is this shiny disk?"

"Something that will play films, but on a disk… A Digital Video Disk… A DVD" he said, "That is the future, I wonder if Sadako's videotape will upgrade too… From there I am not sure. I hope it doesn't, but I can see one thing…" Yoichi then ran off, trying to avoid telling me. I never found out what that thing was…

But he did make yet another comment, about the DVD years after that, when this DVD came out… "The video won't die" he said with a smile, after he was finally holding the DVD in his fingers, "Until I have died".

I turned to him and found myself yelling, "You're still very young, Yoichi! You're only thirteen, and you have loads to live for!" He then looked up at me and smiled in a special sort of way, he then looked down at the disk…

He sighed and then said, "My story will spread like the video and like this DVD, but in a way that will touch everyone… But then I'll die, someone will kill me, to stop me from spreading my story…" He then turned to me and looked at me, his eyes are like stars, they make you feel like you'll get lost forever in them…

Yoichi… Please don't die, please don't think of death…

How could you see your own death? No one can see their own future can they? Or can't they? You might just be thinking ahead of yourself because you're young and you've seen so much in your life…

But you're still only a child…

My heart pained to see Yoichi there, even as a child and even as they young man he is becoming. He almost looks like his father, only his eyes a slightly different. They're the same shape, but Yoichi eyes are deep and willing and loving… Just like Reiko's used to be.

It was only a matter of time before the girls fell for them, and they did. The fifthteen year old that I have fallen so deeply for has many admirers… Though there was one girl who I hated the most for her friendship with Yoichi…

Sakura…

Nakamura

Sakura Nakamura…

I looked at her look deeply into Yoichi's eyes and she looked at him with the same look as I did, but her youth made it more clear to Yoichi, it would be a matter of time before he fell for her too. Sakura was very pretty, with large eyes and long wavy hair, she reminded me of Yoichi's mother sometimes the way she talked and acted. She was very polite.

I still hated her… It wasn't like my hate of Reiko, for I only disliked her, I did however respect the fact that Reiko Asakawa was a very selfless woman. With Sakura however, I saw her as a dangerous effect and someone I could help but hate.

My heart, it really hurts now… It's hurts like the first time I told Yoichi that I'd never leave him, and that I love him very much. He just smiled and said, "I love you too".

Not the way I want you to though…

My head is really hurting and my heart feels like it's clocking, it's so painful today. For a moment, I felt like it was a heart attack. Sadako…

That was all I could think, but why would she try to kill me now… No, not now, I can't leave Yoichi… I can't, he'll be alone… He'll have no on but me to look after him… She can't… Not now… Yoichi, I love you…

I look up, as if by magic there he was, holding my head up and smiling down on me. He seemed to be peaceful, and my heart didn't feel as painful anymore. He then said, "You're in pain? You're leaving so soon… It's a shame… Sadako has only mercy for the ones she loves…"

Yoichi…

Help me, Yoichi… I'm dying, don't let me leave without you knowing… How much I really love you, without you know how much you mean to me… Without…

My breath, it's leaving me…

Where am I? The room is my own… How did I get here…

It doesn't matter, I'm finally starting to die… Yoichi was the one who survived, not me… Why it's taken so long for Sadako to come for me is… Something I can't even think about…

I then felt a presence, I looked to my right…

I saw what I thought was an angel, looking down on me… Her eyes were so deep and friendly…

"Reiko-san?"

And she smiled a little and nodded, "Takano-san"

"Why are you here?"

"To put you out of your suffering… To save you from Sadako, so you don't have to live the way I do…" she said…

"But why, I betrayed you all those years ago…" I replied, "You would still be alive if I hadn't let them find you, and Yoichi".

"I have forgiven you… Because you have looked after Yoichi, and I have decided to save you from Sadako, as my thank you to you…" Reiko told me, she then placed her hand on my chest where my heart was, and another hand on my head…

Will Yoichi ever know that I could have loved him more then his dear Sakura… That I could have loved him more then anyone in the entire world? Will he ever know I love him?

I feel myself falling deep, deeper then the love in my heart… And the final voice I hear is Hers…

He read your heart and know's you well now… Yoichi will never forget you, for your kindness and your love for him…

They say we fall in love twice…

But only one is the love of your life…

Yoichi was the potential love of your life…

Yours was a…

Potential love.


I didn't really write that well, it took me all day to write and I write it from the heart... lol! I'm not very good and Mai Accounts as you can see. It's because she irrtates me too much! Oh well... It's okay