Hermione woke up to the smell of bacon cooking. She stood up slowly and painfully, her body complaining with every step she took towards the kitchen. She took a minute to look at her reflection and all that could be heard was a strangled, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!"
Severus came running into the room with Mrs. Fluffy-Poo sitting comfortably ontop his head and stopped infront of the rocking form of Hermione Granger. She was sitting down with her knees up against her chest going back and forth rythmically. Severus stooped down towards her and gently asked, "Mione, are you okay?"
"I-it's aliiiiiiiiiive, I tell you, ALIIIIIVE!" Hermione cried as she scurried behind his knees.
Severus turned around and slowly brought Hermione to her feet and asked once again, "Hermione, are you okay? What's aliiiiive," he finished imitating the over-dramatic way Hermione said, and I quote, 'aliiiiiive.'
"The monster, it's in the mirror. It's face is swollen and it's hair looks like an over-grown jungle! It's, it's Frankeinstein!" Hermione said going to Severus for a hug.
Severus looked at Hermione and then at the mirror, then he looked at Hermione and then at the mirror, "Ah, Hermione, did you look into the mirror when you saw this, this, monster?"
"Yes, why? I was just going to see what I looked like and it was there," Hermione said pointing at the mirror.
"Umm, Hermione, baby. You-You see, I don't know how to tell you this, but, umm, I think what you saw was..." Severus started nerveously.
"Was what? Severus just spit it out," Hermione said looking at up at him with a questioning look.
"Well, you see, what I meant to say is that...well, umm, mmmmm, I think what you saw was you," Severus finished as quietly as possible.
"What did you say? I didn't catch the last part."
"Ithinkwhatyousawinthemirrorwasyourself," Severus hurried running into the kitchen as he finished.
Hermione peiced two and three together and ran after him, "WHAT? You mean to tell me that that thing that was staring back at me was my own reflection?"
"Umm, yes?" Severus said busying himself with putting the bacon on three plates.
Hermione stood deathly still as she heard Severus'. Severus looked at her worriedly and hurriedly asked, ''Mione, are you okay, hone?"
Hermione felt as tears came rushing to her eyes and finally she let out with a dramatic wail, "M-my face looks like a haaaamsteeer. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo...hoo."
Severus looked at her with a pained expression and comfortingly said, ''Well, it looks like a very cute hamster!"
Hermione let out an even bigger cry and said, ''You think my face lo-looks like a flippin' hams-like a flippin' hamster!"
Not knowing what else to do Severus grabbed a peice of bacon and stuck it on Hermione's mouth. She was about to talk but then started chewing, "Yum! That's some good bacon. You should open a bacon shop!"
By this time she had on a smiling face again making Severus let out a big sigh. He shook his head as he thought of how he would never truly understand all that there was to Hermione Granger. Truth be told, he wasn't so sure he wanted to know all there was of Hermione Grager, because is some ways she was really scary. He sat down and placed Mrs. Fluffy-Poo down infront of her plate. As it happened, she had athing for his head and jumped back up. He shrugged his shoulders and continued eating.
Hermione once again found herself in the Potions class room along with the rest of her class. It was the final class of the day which meant she wouldn't have to endure any more questoins as to why her face was hamster-like and the wild presumptions that she had been attacked by a pack of humpind dogs that she refused to have sex with, because apparantly that's what everyone seemed to think.
As she continued to think of how even the other crazy rumor of her having a secret relationship with a flying cow was better than hearing she was having sex with frisky pooches the deathly quiet was broken by, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
Everyone near Neville Longbottom ran for cover as his cauldron exploded. Everyone looked around wildly while Snape yelled, "Is everyone alright?"
Everyone and everything seemed to be okay, though, except for the notorious eyebrows of Dean Thomas, Neville's partner. Somehow the potion had exploded onto them, made them fall from his face and come alive as murderous, lunatic eyebrows from Hell!
Hermione pointed at the charging eyebrows and cried, "THEY'RE REALLY ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! ALIVE I TELL YOU!"
Everyone ran away from the eyebrown who at the moment were chasing Draco and Blaise around the room. Suddenly both the eyebrows caught up with Blaise and with unspeakable strength picked him up. "They've got me! They've got me!"
Severus charged at the now snickering eyebrows and threw dismatearilizing curses at them which missed them by and inch and hit Blaise on his ass! "Yaowwww,'' cried Blaise as his robes dissapeared and his butt cheeks' twin moles were presented to the class. The girls in front of him giggled and smiled as they saw that his pecker wasn't a bird at all, "Cover that anaconda," cried Harry who at the moment was covering Parvati's eyes, who seemed to be extremely interested in looking at the boy infront of her.
Blaise was forgotten soon enough, though, as the eyebrows ran after various students carrying an ax. Snickering they somehow cried, ''Kill and destroy the hairy ones! Kiillll and Deeestroy! snicker, snicker"
"Aaaahhh,'' cried Parvati as the ax succesfully choped at her hair.
As soon as everyone saw what had happened everything stopped, including the rampaging eyebrows, "OH MY GOD, IT WAS A WIG!"
"I'm BLINDEEED," cried the naked Blaise as light bounced off of Parvati's now hairless skull.
"Master, Master. Yuo are worthy of our devotion," cried the eyebrows somehow bowing down to Parvati.
Suddenly Harry started poking Parvati's head and asked, "What is it?" He didn't get to hear her answer, though, as he started running for his life as the eyebrows went choping after him, for touching their master.
"It's true!" cried Parvati. "The truth is I am not Parvati at all...I'm Parvat-O! I was a girl trapped in a hairless man's body, you must understand!"
"But I kissed you!" cried Harry stopping momentarily. He started running again, though, as the eyebrows charged again.
They came to a stop infront of Parvati and said, ''What do you want us to do with the hairy one called Harry, boss? We'll do anything for you, our Qu-kin...umm what do should we call you?"
Parvat-O did never get a chance to answer because at that exact moment Severus blasted the raving lunatic eyebrows. He looked down at the blob of melted eyebrows and poked it with a random stick. After making sure it was truly dead he stood up and barked, "CLASS DISMISSED!"
Hours later Hermione found herself in the arms of the tequila-drinking Professor. She had something she urgently had to tell him, so she took away the bottle from his hand and said, "Severus, I've got to tell you something."
"Shoooet, arything is better and Dean's eyiebrowies," said a very drunk Severus Snape.
Hermione shook her head at the eyiebrowier comment and continued, ''Honey, because we love our children we must respect and love them no matter what, right?"
"Right-io," said Snape smiling goofily.
"Riiight, well, umm, today I came to find Mrs. Fluffy-Poo wearing a miniature Elvis wig and pants. It seems she was entertaining some company and, well,"
"Well, what?" Severus asked sobering up at Hermione's hesitant tone.
"It seems to be that Mrs. Fluffy-Poo is gay...with another chicken," Hermione finished looking down at her hands.
"WHAAAAT?" cried Snape standing up from the couch quickly.
"I know it's kind of shocking, but it seems Mrs. Fluffy-Poo has a girlfriend...who has a thing for your boxers."
Severus' eyes became slits as he asked, "My boxers?"
"Umm...yes. You see, this was an abnormably large chicken, with a fudging HUGE head, and well, it was wearing your boxers like a hat. Actually, they rather looked good on her, if I say so myself," Hermione said.
BANG, BANG, BANG...SWIIIISH. Those were the sounds as Severus banged his head on the wall then slid across the floor, trying in vain to die. He grabbed a huge book and placed it above his head, ready to drop it.
"Severus, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to kill myself! Eyebrows and a gay chicken daughter do NOT mix in the same day. I've been good, I haven't done anything too wrong, I don't deserve this," cried Snape.
Hermione took the book from his hands and seriously said, "Severus, we have to support Mrs. Fluffy-Poo. Killing yourself is not the answer!"
"Sure it is!" said Snape as he snatched the book from Hermione's hands.
"NO it's not!" cried Hermione as she took the book again.
Severus looked up at her defeated and dispairingly, "And there's nothing we can do to convert her?"
"I'm afraid not," Hermione said pulling him to her.
He lay in her arms for a little while then abruptly stood up. "Where are you going?" asked Hermione.
"I need more tequila. Murderous, rampaging eyebrows and a gay-chicken daughter all in one day...it's just not natural!" he cried as he went into the kitchen.
"Well, it went better than I thought it was going to go," Hermione said to herself. That was until she saw Severus holding a knife to his chest. She ran into the kitchen and cried, "NOOOOOO, it won't change anything!"
"How do you know?" Severus said as he allowed her to take the knife and put it back in the drawer.
"I'm just good like that. Besides, if I have to deal with this you do too," she said looking at him exasperately.
Severus looked at her and then at the bottle of tequila in his hand, "Want some tequila?"
Hermione responded by taking the bottle from his hand and chugging some of it. She looked up at him again and said, "Bring another bottle. By the time we're finished with them even I will look better!"
Thank you guys so much for reading. Please REVIEW. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even though Snape turned out to not be a nice guy I still can't dislike him and I hope you guys keep on reading this. This is still going to carry on as if the sixth book hadn't happened, so please keep on reading. Have fun my cheeky-wee bafoons and REVIEW, LOL!