Going Under


After spending all day looking for him, I finally found him heading for his dormitory. "Squall!" I yelled, catching his attention. "Hi."

Squall turned around. "What now? I've got no time to talk." He said as he turned to walk away.

I watched him take a few steps, then, without expecting to, I stamped my foot. "You never have time for the people who are trying to be your friends, do you? Are we even important to you?" I yelled, staring at Squalls back

"You should know by now Rinoa, I'm a loner. That's how I like it" He said not even turning to look at me. Then he began to walk away again.

"Look at me when I talk to you!" I said as I stood with my arms folded, still watching Squall walk away from me.

"So don't talk to me then." Squall said turning around at my demand.

"You just don't get it do you? I said, my voice returning to its usual tone. "Don't you see, we're all trying to your friends, Squall, and you don't see to care."

Squall, for a minute, looked speechless, until he began to speak. "Why do you want to be friends? What do friends do for you? What have you ever done for me?"

"Nothing yet! Because you won't share you feelings. But what I have done is been brought to tears every time I've tried to show you that we all want to be your friend, but you won't listen to me. So just forget it Squall! Forget I ever tried to show you that I care." I yelled at him. My eyes filled with tears. I turned my back to him and buried my head in my hands.

"Rinoa… I … I'm sorry…" Squall said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Just forget it Squall. You obviously don't care." I said my voice low and muffled by my tears. With that I began to run away from him, blinded by my tears.

Now I Will Tell You What I've Done For You
Fifty Thousand Tears I've Cried

After what seemed like forever, I found myself running into the Quad. I sat on a bench, burring my face in my hands again. "I must have been kidding myself to think he'd listen to me. Squall thinks he doesn't need friends. But he does. And I'd give anything to get to know him better." I sobbed to myself, not even bothering to be discreet about it.

Screaming, Deceiving, And Bleeding For You
And You Still Won't Hear Me

I sat alone for a few moments longer, sobbing to myself because of what Squall had said to me. "Why doesn't he understand? I guess Squall's just stubborn." I said, to what I thought was myself.

"I do understand, Rinoa." I heard a voice behind me say.

It took me a while to realise that the voice belonged to Squall.

"No you don't Squall. You think you can live alone. You think you can get on fine without help from anyone." As I started my speech my voice was at its usual calm tone, but as I continued to talk I started to get angry, causing me to yell at Squall "Because… because… I give up! I thought I'd finally be able to make you see that we all care about you. I care! Zell cares! Everyone at Garden cares! Because you're our leader, Squall!" After my little outburst, I stood still; staring at Squall for a few seconds, then pushed past him and ran away again.

Don't Want Your Hand This Time
I'll Save Myself

I ran into my dorm this time, threw myself onto my bed covering my head with my pillow. "I should just give up. I try everyday, but it never gets though to him. I though he'd start to understand after a week or so, but I guess I was wrong."

Angelo came from under my desk to comfort me. She sat by my bed. Although she was silent, I could sense her presence. I could feel here eyes upon me, looking at me.

I sat up, looking at my dog; I smiled and began to pat her head. "Do you think I could make Squall see how much he means to me?" I said to Angelo through my tears. "I have to get through to him."

I buried my head back into my pillow; it seemed to help me forget my troubles.

Maybe I'll Wake Up For Once
Now Tormented Daily, Defeated By You
Just When I Thought I'd Reached The Bottom
I've Got To Break Through


After having all of the daily Rinoa confrontations and my meeting with Garden Headmaster Cid; I slammed my dorm door making the wall shake from the force. I rested my head against the glass of my window, gazing out to the sea that Balamb Garden had been drifting over. I found it quite relaxing after the stressful morning I had just had to see my breath against the glass of my window, then to see it disappear after a while.

Why does everyone depend on everyone else? I depend on me, because at the end of the day, you're on your own; that's the way I like it I thought to myself over and over again until I began to think What if I can't even depend on myself?

I continued to stare out of the window, without blinking, for second that seemed like hours. I could feel my eyes becoming heavier with every passing second. I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open for to long until they closed on their own causing me to have to struggle to open them again.

I slowly moved away from the window and lay down on the bed with my eyes closed. The pillow felt so soft. I was glad to be able to lie down for a while after the eventful morning I had just had.

I sat in my bed, gazing out of the window, looking at the mountains Balamb Garden was passing over. The day was beautiful, peaceful and calm, until a loud knock at my door brought me back to my state of mind back to reality. "Come in." I said simply

"Hi Squall."

I turned to see who was there. It was Rinoa.

The moment I saw Rinoa's face I shot up from my bed. I looked around my dorm for a second, trying to figure out how long I had been asleep

I'm… She's haunting me. She in this world, and now she's in my dreams. I thought to myself.

No Squall, you're just being paranoid. I stood up from my bed and went back over to my window. I noticed that Balamb Garden was passing over the mountains near Traiba Garden.

I can't even trust myself to sleep. I have no escape from Rinoa's "Lets Be Friends" speeches. I don't need friends, or do I? I don't know. I don't trust myself to make simple decisions like that. I can't sleep. What can I do?

Blurring And Stirring The Truth And The Lies
So I Don't Know What's Real And What's Lies
Always Confusing The Thoughts In My Head
So I Can't Trust Myself Anymore

The following day, I saw Rinoa heading towards the main entrance of Garden. I hung back, trying not to be seen by her.


I turned around, pretending I hadn't seen her. I knew she's seen me and I also knew that she knew I'd seen her.

"Squall! Wait for me." Rinoa called after me. She was going to give me another 'lets be friends' talks. The speeches I was so sick of hearing everyday.

I stayed where I was, allowing Rinoa to catch up with me. "Let's hear it then."

"Hear what? Rinoa said in her usual way

"The lecture I know is coming on trust and friendship, and why everyone needs it." I said, my eyes focused on the water that ran through the centre of Balamb Garden.

"Is that how annoying you find me? Well I just came to tell you that I'm not going to be giving you any of those speeches again. Now I've said that. I can go." She said, as she turned around back towards the entrance of Balamb Garden.

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away

"Whatever." I said to myself. "I'm not going through the pain I've suffered again."

I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I won't keep going under

15th December 2004 – 11th January 2005