Well, I love product placement, and I'm certain that a big movie series like Harry Potter would have to have some somewhere. So here it is.
Harry Potter wandered along a Hogwarts corridor, absently chewing some Juicy Fruit™ and thinking about the next Subway™ he would buy. He had his eye on the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki ©, but he had heard that the Meatball © was particularly nice this time of year.
Mrs Norris crept past him, staring up at him with her dark blue eyes – she was obviously wearing Opti-Free Express™ coloured contact lens.
"I'm not doing anything wrong!" Harry shouted at the cat, growling to make it leave. He sighed. He wished he hadn't skipped breakfast – it was McMuffins © that day and all he had in his pocket was the rest of his Juicy Fruit™ and a couple of ChupaChups™. He wasn't watching where he was going and tripped over a ladder, presumably bought from Mitre 10®.
"Oi!" Yelled Filch, seeing Harry and the ladder sprawled on the ground. "That's my new Mitre 10® ladder! Only 29.99, inc GST!"
"Sorry." Harry said sullenly, noticing for the first time that Filch was holding several cans of paint. "You painting these walls?"
"Yep. Dulux™. You know what they say."
"'Worth doing, Worth Dulux ©.'"
"Well, they're right. Dulux™ is the only brand of interior and exterior paints I would choose." Harry said thoughtfully. "Oh well, better be off now. See you later, Filch!"
It was amazing. The angry caretaker and the strange boy were brought into friendship by the amazing power of Dulux™. Is there anything these paints can't do?
He kept on wandering until he got to the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was eating Crispy Strips © and sipping a Pepsi™. "Password?" She said, with her mouthful of whole-breast chicken.
The painting swung open and Harry climbed into the Common Room. His two best friends, Ron and Hermione, were sitting on two squishy armchairs in front of the fire.
"Want some Nestlè™ chocolate, Harry?" Ron asked.
"It's really nice!" Hermione said. "In fact, it's so nice that whilst eating it, I have finally realised my love for Ron!"
"And I've realised my love for Hermione!" Ron said. "Now, we're going to go chew on some Extra™ Sugarfree Gum ® to make our breath minty-fresh, then we're going to go into a broom closet and snog!"
"Wow!" Harry said, taking a chunk of the Nestlè™ chocolate. "My god!" He exclaimed. "Ron, I've realised my love for your sister!"
Just then, Ginny entered the room, her new blonde highlights thanks to Sunsilk™. "What about me?" She asked, flashing a smile made-up with Covergirl™ Sheer® lipstick.
"I love you more than Peter's™ ice cream!" Harry said. Ginny flung herself into Harry's arms.
"I thought there was nothing better than Napoleon™ cosmetics until I met you!" Ginny said. They were all blissfully happy. Until…
"Harry Potter!" Came a high voice from the other side of the room. Harry spun around to face… Lord Voldemort. "I kill you now, Harry Potter!"
Suddenly, Ronald McDonald burst in. "I thought you might need my help, Harry!" He shouted, tossing a Quarter Pounder ® and Large Fries ® over to Harry.
"Thanks, R.M!" Harry said, eating the fries ®. "Now I'm superstrong!" He hurled the Quarter Pounder ® at Voldemort. Its impact was such that it imploded upon hitting the Dark Lord, sending pieces of him flying.
"You did it!" Ginny said, snogging him, thanks to her minty-fresh Extra™ Sugarfree Gum ®. "You destroyed Voldemort, thanks to the power of McDonald's™!"
"Just remember –" Ronald McDonald said, "- I'm Loving It™." Then he gave the room a double thumbs-up and left without another word.
"Wow." Was all they could say in reply.
Yeah, McDonald's saved the world, blah blah blah. It's just a good thing Grimace didn't get involved. What is he supposed to BE anyway?