Note to FFN staff: For the information and edification of anyone misinterpreting this story, allow me to spell it out for you. This is a parody. I am perfectly capable of writing in the English language, but I have taken some liberties to enhance the comedic effect. Putting "sic" by every one of these intentional transgressions would undermine the humor. It is not my fault if your funny bone is not tickled, but I shall take offence if this story is so casually removed again for those specific reasons. If this violates some other rule, that is a different matter, but to be accused of butchery of my revered mother tongue is inflammatory, and frankly, rather ignorant.
P.S.- This story wouldn't exist if the majority of the stories on your site weren't so ripe for mocking. Thanks.
This was originally my contribution to Fictionized dot net's Mary Sue Round Robin. Read it, it's good! It's under "Interactive Stories." In fact, it's better there, because my excessive punctuation didn't get removed on the upload. You still get the jist of it here, but it lacks the, um... overcompensation.
Disclaimer: No, forget it. I probably should be sued for this. And jailed. And maybe even executed.
So. It was a lovely day and all that, the way days are, when you're five hundred years before class is starting, and you have your arm around just the cutest guy in the whole damn space-time continuum, Inuyasha MadeuplastnamebecauseIthinkheneedsone. My name is Samantha Crystal Trinity Tonks, and this is my story.
Wait, how did Inuyasha MadeuplastnamebecauseIthinkheneedsone and I get together? Stupid, don't you watch the show? Or read the manga, which I pronounce mang-ah? I was there all along, you just weren't paying attention, stupid, I was here, and Inuyasha MadeuplastnamebecauseIthinkheneedsone loves me!
Sometimes I think he's the only one who loves me… I need him, and heaven help the girl, boy, or clay pot that comes between us!Exclamationpoint!
Uh-oh, speaking of, here comes that bitch Kagome, here to rain on my parade. What does everyone see in her? Sure, she's from the future. Yo, me too!1! She's Kikyou's reincarnation. Like, me as well!one! I'm even from America, which should be like all exotic to them and all. Unfortunately, I only speak a smattering of Japanese, and I don't know what these dudes are saying, unless it involves the words 'baka,' 'kawaii,' or 'inunekosugoi,' which I suspect is not really a word. Damn that Kagome.
"Kagome, on the other hand, speaks English. She's my translator. I even needed her to translate for me when Miroku asked me to bear his children!nonsensicalpunctuation! I, of course, accepted, and am now four months pregnant. But I'm so over him by now, so who cares? Only, I wonder, once Inuyasha marries me, should the baby's last name be MadeuplastnamebecauseIthinkheneedsone, or Houshi, which I think is Miroku's name. If that Kagome and her rotten English can be trusted. Damn, you know, I knew I shoulda just fanficced the dubs, since I can't speak one kotoba of Japaneesie. Kami, nani was I thinking? And why am I saying all this out loud, too? Not like Inuyasha understands a damn word…"
"I no think you think at all, bitch," Kagome says to me. I jump a little, but then I remember she doesn't really know what "bitch" means. I kinda accidentally taught it to her, and sorta kinda lied about what it meant. I should tell her, but it would be embarrassing, plus this is actually kinda fun.
"I think that you should get your lopsided ass out of my way, and let Inuyasha marry me, bitch!" I yell back at her. Inuyasha looks at the sound of his name, which I think I mispronounced… again…excessive…ellipsis… !. Ouch.
I expect Kagome to explain that Inuyasha has not proposed, so that I can explain to her, (bitch!) that Inuyasha just proposed to me today, while she was gone, emphatic italic, anyways, I think he did, 'ramen' means 'marry me' in Japaneesie, right? And 'urusee teemee' is I love you? I hope it is.
But instead she just stands there, stutters a moment, and rattles off like a machine gun what sounds suspiciously like Japanese insults. I don't know why she's so hostile. Not like she was making a move in this millenium.
She starts talking to Inuyasha. "What are you doing?" I ask her.
She turns and glares at me. "Translating, bitch."
Oh, crud. Now Inuyasha's gonna know what I said about Kagome's ass? That won't look good for me. What if he calls off our ramen? I panic. "Inuyasha!" I call. "Getcher hot ass over here!"
Oh no. What's she doing now? Translating again? What if she lies, and says I said I hate him or something? Inuyasha turns and says something incomprehensible to me. I smile, and say, "I love you too, kawaii baka."
Kagome shakes her head. "He say… oh, how you say. He say why you so thinking of ass, you Miroku's daughter or something, bitch?"
Miroku's daughter? I laugh. "He's too young to be my father, and hello, he's Japanese," I insist.
"How you know he too young?" Kagome asks. "How old you think he?"
I shrug, and Kagome slips into fluent Japanese with Miroku. Miroku scratches his head a moment, and says, "sanjunana sai."
"Juwanna man?" I ask, cross-eyed.
Kagome gives me that 'Americans are all crazy' look again. (Bitch!) "Ha! He say he thirty-seven!"
I fall over anime style. There are definite disadvantages to being in a cartoon. Like for one everyone looks about fifteen. Who'da thunk that Inuyasha was like seventy!
Now I'm on the ground, and everyone's talking in Japanese, and laughing at me. I hate this! "EVERYONE SPEAK ENGLISH!" I yell, having found the caps lock key.
Everyone blinks, and looks at me.
"THAT'S MEAN!" Inuyasha bellows in Richard Cox's jarring voice. "PUT US BACK!"
"Capslocky," I giggle.
"I miss Sango," Kagome says in Monica Stori's annoying pitch. She's more of a bitch than ever now. And what's more, I don't need her anymore!
"Song-o was in the way, bitch, and now so are you!" I yell.
"You were just jealous that she was prettier than you, bitch!" Kagome retorts. God, I hate valley girls. Did I just say "God?" That's so ugly American. I meant "Kami." Yeah.
"She's not prettier than me!" I whine. "Her ass is freakishly big! And, um, round! Who likes that, anyway? Ew!capslockyones!"
"But you didn't have to marry her to JAKEN!" Kagome screams gratingly. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Bitch! Oh, and I know what bitch means now, thank you very much for telling me!"
Whoops. Oh well, time to get rid of her. Some people like Sesshoumaru, but I think he looks like a girl. Who'd want a girl for a boyfriend? Lesbians, that's who! And Samantha Crystal Trinity Tonks is no lesbo, I'll tell you that right now!Ireallymeanitthistime!
And Kagome is about to become a lesbian. Hey-lo Sesshoumaru!
Sesshoumaru walks into the midst of them, Miroku and Inuyasha stepping back carefully, waiting to see what happens. Miroku hasn't said anything for a while, that's boring. I think I'll make him naked. Cool. No, wait, now his stupid hand's sucking in trees. He can have his magic glove thing back, but that's it. Dangly parts, tee hee.
Sesshoumaru tosses his hair, which is actually a mess of tangles and burrs. I guess Jaken used to do his hair for him.
"You two," I say, gesturing to Kagome and Sesshoumaru. "Fall in love. Get married, have quadruplets, whatever."
Sesshoumaru raises an eyebrow at me. "That woman," he says, "is noisy. I hate things that make noise."
Why does he have to be so difficult?Iaskyou? Stupid primadonna bitch. "Fine, take the naked one, he's been quiet lately," I say. Sesshoumaru shrugs and throws Miroku over his shoulder, and carries him off. I don't like yaoi, so this should bother me… but Sesshoumaru's really like a girl, anyway. It makes sense, dammit.
Which still leaves me with newly-lesbian!Kagome. What am I to do? I can't match her up with Myouga now, he's male, I think. Well, thank Kami for soulcest. Stupid bitch and stupid clay pot deserve each other.
Wow, but do those two have to kiss so much? It's freaking me out. If freaking out feels like a tingle in your panties… it DOES, right? Right? If so, then two pretty girls kissing makes me freak out a lot!itdoesn'thavetomakesenseit'sfanfic!
I can't stand this another minute. I grab Inuyasha by his hair and tromp off. I want to take him back to America with me, frankly, I miss toilet paper.
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?" Richard Cox says through Inuyasha's mouth. The lip synch is a little off, which looks weird. I laugh.
"Yes, where are you going?" a silkily sinister voice says. I turn, and it's Naraku. Great, just what I need.
"OH, OH!" Inuyasha says. "DO THAT THING YOU SAID YOU CAN DO, WHERE YOU KILL HIM."
Crap, I did say I could do that, didn't I? With my jewel, that is a kabillion more times more powerful than the Shikon. The one that I got in a Cracker Jacks box. I facepalm. This won't end well.
"I like you, you're wicked," Naraku says, looking at me the way hobos look at sandwiches.
"N-no I'm not, I'm a good guy!" I say with conviction.
"NO, HE'S RIGHT," Inuyasha says, "YOU'RE EVIL THROUGH AND THROUGH."
"And you have pretty hair," Naraku adds. "Come with me, reign over this world as my dark queen, together we shall be unstoppable!"
Actually, that sounds really tempting. But I'm arachnophobic. And even Inuyasha's getting on my nerves, and I think he needs a haircut. I throw him at Naraku, and run like the wind. Which makes me think of Kagura. Crap, I think I'm freaked out again.
But freaky tingly Kagura notwithstanding, I'm going home. I've had enough of weird pairings, and "What you say, bitch?" Kagome, and androgynous prettyful demon things with 80's hair.
I'm home just in time to do homework. I sign my name at the top, Mary Sue. What a stupid boring name. What a stupid boring life. I read the stupid boring questions, and write down stupid boring answers!…!stupidboringpunctuation!
I hold my hand over the belly that has held Miroku's, Kyou's, and Hige's babies. It never works out in the end. I feel dejected, like there's really nothing for me in this world.
I go downstairs, my only interaction with my parents is my mother nagging me about my homework and grades, and my father telling me to get him a Pepsi. I do it, just to stay under the radar. That's all I do here. I'm no one. I cry, sniff household cleaners, cut my arm with a penknife, and masturbate. Yes, it really is that bad. I suffer, I tell you!angstyexclaimation! And the use of household cleaners does NOT explain my bad writing! I'm NOT dain bramaged!NOT!
I doodle a picture of Inuyasha with an erection, enjoying the throes of painful adolescent sexuality to the fullest. As an afterthought I draw boobs on him. It looks freaky. I write, "I love you, you kawaii baka" under him, in sparkly purple milk pen. Only then do I realize that I did it on the back of my science homework sheet, which needs to be turned in tomorrow.
I hate PTA meetings.
Well, I think, as I flop down on my bed and open my laptop, there's always Lord of the Rings. I sigh. If only Pippin wasn't gay.
We'll have to do something about that Merry, won't we, preciousssss?